AN: apologies that some of these chapters are relatively short. Short and sweet though as they get the point of the chapter across without overwhelming with pointless info!
Christian
"How is she this morning?" I ask as Tamara comes into my office having left Ana with Jamie to do an activity session which I believe is currently meditating on the balcony.
"Good." Tamara replies. "After having a couple of lucid hours when she woke up yesterday it's showing her tolerance for the drugs is improving, she didn't sleep as long but I was hoping we'd be in a position to lower the dosage by the time this happened and we're really not."
"Well it's progress." I reply feeling at least a little hopeful that she's getting better. It's killing me to see my wife like this. My Ana. The only woman I've ever loved is a shell of herself right now and it's taking every ounce of strength I have to trust the people around us to get her well again. I just want to wrap her in my arms and never let go but I know that would do little to help her in the long term. Flynn is of course working with me on controlling my own emotions and channelling my emotions into helping Ana. "Doctor Green is on her way over she would like to talk about Ana's pregnancy."
"Oh that's good." Tamara smiles, it was her who insisted we keep Doctor Greene in the loop about what was going on with Ana in the first place so I'm not surprised she's glad she's on her way over.
"And speak of the devil." I smirk as Doctor Greene is shown by Taylor to my office.
"Mr Grey." She smiles politely as she enters. "Thank you Mr Taylor." She says dismissing my security guard for me.
"Doctor Greene this is Doctor Tamara Campbell the Rape Trauma Syndrome specialist that's here working with Anastasia." I introduce while the two women shake hands.
"How is Anastasia doing?" Doctor Greene asks and I see the sincerity in her face, she's truly concerned about my wife. If only Ana could see how many people care about her and worry about her. Right now I know she's feeling alone, she told me that much when we spoke a couple of days ago.
"She's getting there very slowly." Tamara replies. "we were very worried when she first became catatonic but we have been able to implement a treatment plan at home and she's responding well and improving."
"Good, that's really good to hear." Doctor Greene smiles. "So my concern is that she hasn't yet seen a midwife and she's now nearing twelve weeks I really need to do a dating scan. The portable is just not good enough for me to get accurate measurements, the quality isn't anywhere near as good." She looks at me when she speaks but I know she wanted Tamara here too.
"I don't know what to suggest in regards to the ultrasound, I mean we can't even get Anastasia to leave the bedroom for the most part let alone get her to the clinic." Tamara replies looking a little nervous about it.
"I mean I could do the portable and I can use the scan we did at the hospital to get an estimated due date until Ana is ready but I need her to be ready by twenty weeks so we can do a proper scan and do all the checks we need to do. Ana having suffered such trauma means there is a high risk of complications and so it's vital that we keep a close eye." Doctor Greene explains again looking in my direction as though she's expecting me to be able to just sort it. I can't though. It has to be all Ana, at her pace.
"I think that is something we could aim for. If Ana has a target to work towards that might go a long way to help her. Small short term goals often help focus the mind and I think focusing on something negative like court is of no use to her." Tamara interjects again and I nod, I trust Tamara so I'm happy to go with whatever she's saying.
"I'd like to get a midwife here to Ana. To do a check up and someone Ana can bond with and be close if need be." Doctor Greene says and I realise that this isn't a question.
"We will have a word with Amanda she was Ana's midwife with all the others." I say knowing Ana hadn't yet got round to contacting her but had intended to.
"That's a good idea, someone she already knows and trusts." Tamara smiles reassuringly at me.
"Could I see Ana before I leave? I'd like to see how she is." Doctor Greene looks almost uncertain, unlike the confident doctor I've seen the handful of times I've had to see her such as when my older children were born.
"Of course." I say before Tamara even gets a chance to respond.
"She's just doing some mindfulness meditation at the moment if we can just give them another ten minutes or so." Tamara replies and I nod in agreement. I know this whole mindfulness thing is a vital part of the treatment Ana is receiving. The purpose is to allow her to be calm and focused when Tamara goes in to do the CBT talking therapy.
"And how are you holding up Mr Grey?" She takes me by complete surprise with this one, I didn't expect her to care how I was doing.
"I'm fine, thank you." I reply sincerely. I am fine, it's Ana who isn't. "Tamara why don't you guys head down for a coffee until Ana's ready? I'm going to see to the children."
Tamara gives me a nod and leads Dr Greene out giving me a moment to breathe before I pick up the phone and contact Ana's old midwife in the hope she'll be able to help us now.
Grace
It's been a long few days, I've been helping Christian as much as possible with the children and keeping the rest of the family in the loop. At Christian's request they're all staying away and I think that's more for him than Ana. He has kindly put Ana's parents up in hotels and they have been back and forward to Carrick and I for dinner and for updates on Ana but I know they're very frustrated at not being able to see her themselves. Ana just isn't up for visitors though. Everyone who visits with her is either at her request or because it's medically necessary.
"Ok, thank you for letting me know. No, no. I'll be in touch. Thank you. Goodbye." Carrick comes into the room on his cell and then as he hangs up his hand goes to the bridge of his nose and he squeezes his eyes shut. Whatever that call was about it isn't good.
"What is it Cary?" I ask as he composes himself.
"That was Hyde's lawyer who has been keeping me in the loop as to what's going on with Hyde."
"Is that appropriate?" I ask nervously.
"He's not telling me anything he shouldn't and as we near trial and things we'll have less communication. Anyway that's not the point Grace. He was just calling to let me know that Hyde has attempted suicide and has been transferred to Western State." Carrick says as I look at him with utter surprise. Hyde attempted suicide?
"We need to go to tell Christian." I say nervously.
"I agree." Carrick replies. "I just..."
"What is it Cary?" I ask, my hand cupping his cheek. God I love this man so much and I hate seeing him looking so despondent.
"With what you said Ana said yesterday. About not being sure whether he was guilty or not. I mean, knowing what he did to Mia and Ana before... did prison change him for the better? Is he a man facing a wrongful conviction? Or is he responsible for the harm that Ana suffered?" He looks so defeated and I hate it. "I don't know how to feel Grace."
"You know what I focus on Carrick." I say pulling his hands into my own which forces him to look at me. "Regardless of his intention, what Ana says is he knew what Morton was going to do to her. So in my eyes regardless whether or not he wanted Ana to get hurt or not he knew what would happen to Ana in that house and he still let her go in there, he led her there rather than give us the information or telling the police. Therefore, he's guilty whether that be of conspiracy to rape or stupidly causing the rape I'm beyond caring. He is partly to blame for what happened to Ana and therefore he should be punished."
"You're right." Carrick replies solemnly, I know he doesn't yet see it the way I do but it's the only conclusion I can come to that makes sense and allows me to believe he should be prosecuted. "Come on we need to go and tell Christian of this latest development."
Dr Greene
I saw Ana in the immediate aftermath off the assault. I saw some of the injuries on the back of her thighs when I did the ultrasound. But none of that prepared me for what I see before me. Ana is smiling shyly towards me but she's a ghost. Her skin is near translucent and deathly white, she's lost weight, the bones of her cheeks and her neck are protruding. This wouldn't be healthy even if she wasn't pregnant but being pregnant I'm extremely concerned.
"Hello Ana. May I?" I signal the rocking chair beside the bed and she nods gently.
"I hope you don't mind but I'm going to stay standing." She says and I give a gentle nod, I know exactly why she's doing that.
"So I just came by to talk to Christian about your upcoming ultrasound and the news to get you seen by a midwife." I explain and she nods gently. "We're going to do a portable here but as I explained to Christian it's not as accurate doing a portable, the quality isn't as good." I'm explaining to her as though she was a child not that I mean to be patronising but she seems so childlike in front of me.
"I can't go to the clinic right now." She trembles as she speaks.
"I know. I understand. Maybe when you're around twenty weeks so we can do the checks we need to do." I word it as a suggestion even though it's absolutely vital we get her to the clinic then. "Have you been taking your folic acid?"
"With my pain killers every morning." She replies with a shy smile. "They're keeping on top of everything." She adds with a small chuckle.
"Good. Well just so you know, if you need anything I'm only a phone call away ok. Even if it's just to chat and I'll see you next week." I don't want to out stay my welcome and I don't know what else to say to her. She gives me another timid smile as I make to leave. I can't imagine what she's gone through but something tells me she'll get through it.
Tamara
After the OBGYN leaves it's time for the therapy. Ana looks apprehensive and I don't blame her. I've just told her that we are going to focus on Jack Hyde and I know she fears going backwards in her treatment, however, I think if we can tackle Hyde we can tackle the rest of it much faster.
"How have you been feeling today?" I ask leading her into the session gently. It's always my opening question because it usually allows me an insight into her mood.
"I don't know." She shrugs like always.
"So Grace told me yesterday what you both had been talking about." I say deciding maybe I'm going to have to open the door. Her blue eyes meet mine. She looks frightened. "Why does it scare you that we spoke?"
She shrugs and looks back down to the floor. She's not as receptive to therapy as I'd like her to be, but they aren't usually this close to the trauma, that's why typically we wait a little to start therapy.
"Has Hyde been on your mind a lot?" I ask trying a different tact. She nods lightly, I didn't need to know the answer, I just need her to be involved in the therapy. "What is it about him that's been playing on your mind?"
"Whether he's guilty or not." She replies in a little whisper. John tells me how incredibly strong this woman is and I pray to god I get to see that one day because Ana is a shell of the woman they know apparently.
"Do you think he's guilty?" I ask and she shrugs but I don't say anything more because I can see a thought formulating in her face and I'm going to give her the chance she needs to formulate it and hopefully voice it.
"Hyde told me he was raped repeatedly in prison. Specifically by Morton. Morton...fantasised that Hyde was me." She isn't finished, I can see that, though what she says surprises me. "He knew Morton had my daughter, he led me there knowing what Morton's fantasies were. Why did he do that to me?" Her eyes are full of tears as she looks up at me once more.
"Why do you think he did that to you?" I ask, I don't have any answers but my aim isn't to answer her questions it's to get her to look at things differently, accept things that happened and adjust her emotions and behaviour to healthier ones.
"A part of me believes him you know. He said if the police were involved then Amaya would die, if he came to that house he'd go back to prison which he wouldn't be able to cope with. That he genuinely believed he was helping me. But... why would he send me in there knowing what Morton was going to do to me? Why didn't he just go to the police? I'm starting to believe maybe he was working with Morton and that it was revenge for sending him to prison a decade ago but then I wonder if that thought has only come into my mind because I know they're looking at him like a conspirator."
"How does all of this make you feel Ana?" I ask needing to know this in particular.
"Conflicted mostly. Confused." She sighs, she also feels helpless, I can tell by the defeated expression on her face and the weight on her shoulders.
"Tell me what happened between you and Jack leading up to the rape." I reply softly, it's a voice I use to encourage openness and calmness because Ana still gets overwhelmed talking about this it's vital we take it one step at a time.
"He called me, told me to meet him alone and tell no one if I wanted to see Amaya alive again. So I went to meet him at the McDonald's. There he told me that he had been abused in prison, raped repeatedly and that the last person who he shared a cell with him raped him while openly fantasising about me. That person had made it clear he would take one of my children if he couldn't get to me." Her eyes are closed and I see by the shake in her tiny frame that she's back in that moment, back at the McDonald's having that conversation with Jack.
"It's ok Ana, you're safe, no one can hurt you here." I reassure prompting her to open her eyes and look at me. She blows out a long breath and brings herself back down, this is why the meditation is a vital part of her journey, it's teaching her skills to ground herself when she flashes back or talks about the event.
"He took me back to get my car and told me he'd be in touch and true enough a couple of hours later he told me he knew where Amaya was and I needed to meet with him. He told me he would take me to where she was being kept but then I was on my own. That if he went to the house he'd end up back in prison or dead. He took me to the house and left me at the gate to go in." She's getting tense and I know that her fight or flight kicking in as we get closer to the rape itself.
"It's ok Ana." I bring her attention to me again. "What else happened with Jack?" I focus her mind onto the subject we're talking about. I know what happened for the most part because everyone else has told me and Ana and I have talked a little about it too. However we're now going into details about specific events to try and rewrite her thoughts about what happened or allow her to make peace with it and redirect her behaviour.
"Morton was...raping me." She shakes her head and I catch her adjusting her feet on the ground, she's taken a lot on board from her meditation session, she's feeling the ground beneath her feet to remind herself where she is. "Jack burst into the room with a gun aimed at Morton. He told me to get out and Morton went for the gun and they were fighting for it when it went off."
Ana takes a deep breath and blows it out slowly. Her blue eyes meet my dark ones again and I give her a reassuring smile, bless her heart she tries to return it but it looks more like a grimace.
"What about that makes you conflicted?" I ask needing to deal with this first so we can start dealing with the rest of the trauma. Primarily the assault and the rape.
"First why he told me about the rapes he suffered at Morton's hands. I mean I know he did it to gain my trust but was it to trust him so that I would willingly let him lead me to be raped or because he was wanting to help me find Amaya."
"Did you trust him to lead you to Amaya?" I ask gently.
"I went with him." She replies dryly.
"You did but did you trust him?"
"I had no choice."
"Of course you had a choice. He didn't hold a gun to your head Ana." I reply and I see her eyes fill with tears. "Did you trust him?"
"He was going to lead me to Amaya." She replies fighting her emotions to answer me.
"You believed he was. Until you got there you didn't know if he really was going to do that."
"I trusted him." She admits lowering her head with shame.
"Why are you ashamed of that?" I question and her head snaps up to meet mine, a question she won't voice in her eye about how I knew that. I wait for her to answer because she will, I know she will.
"Because trusting him...led to the rape."
"But that wasn't your fault." I reply and she lowers her head again. "We'll come onto your feelings regarding the rape itself Ana and events leading up to it. I want to focus on Hyde for now." I say and she breaths a little, relieved that we won't be discussing the rape itself today. "Trusting him led you to Amaya."
"It did." She says as the tears spill. "He took me to get my baby."
"Do you think you were wrong to trust him?" I ask her again.
"I wanted my daughter back." She says and I nod, were actually making progress here not that she can see that yet.
"Ana, at the time were there any leads to Amaya's location? Did anyone else think they knew where she was?" I ask and Ana shakes her little head. "How long had she been missing at this point?"
"A couple of days." She whispers. "I was getting desperate, I'd have believed Satan himself if he'd appeared before me and told me he knew where she was."
"Do you think you were wrong to trust him? To believe him?" I ask and Ana shakes her head.
"I wanted my daughter back." She says again and I nod encouragingly. Regardless of what happened, she put her trust in Jack because she was desperate to get her daughter back. There is absolutely nothing wrong in that, the point of this is that she did nothing wrong. Ana couldn't have done anything differently without risking never seeing her daughter again. That is all her mind in the moment could focus on.
"I think we should leave it there for today." I say gently as Ana wipes her eyes. "Tomorrow we'll talk more about Hyde but I think you've had enough for today."
"I want to go for a walk in the meadow." She says surprising the hell out of me. "I want to take a walk with Christian."
"Ok, ok I'll go and find him." I hide my absolute joy at her request. She doesn't get it but the fact she doesn't want to climb into bed after this session tells me she might just have a tiny bit of hope now that she will recover from this. Maybe it's because today we finally made progress on something that is a huge deal to her, maybe it's because talking about it was easier than she expected. God only knows what it is but whatever Ana wants right now she'll get and if she wants to walk in the garden with her husband we'll make it happen.
Christian is in his office when I get there with his mother and father.
"Everything ok?" He asks when I enter.
"Uhh Ana would like you to walk with her in the meadow." I explain and immediately I see his eyes light up.
"Really?" He asks and I nod. "Ok...ok." He looks like a child at Christmas. It shows how much of a toll all of this has taken on him that such a simple request is making him so happy. "There is something we do need to bring to your attention." He says suddenly looking very serious.
"Oh?" I ask my concern immediately rising.
"It's Hyde." Mr Grey says. "He's attempted suicide."
"He's what?" I ask in surprise.
"He's at Western State." Grace adds and I nod as I process this.
"Ana can't know." I say immediately making the decision that she shouldn't be told. "She's struggling to come to terms with what happened between her and Hyde as it is. We don't need to be throwing more curveballs at her right now. I'm not saying we won't tell her at all but right now I think telling her could set her back."
"I agree." Christian immediately says. "Ana can't know right now. She isn't to be told. We don't need to upset her anymore than she's been upset already."