Christian
Ana is improving. We walked yesterday in the meadow. Only for about twenty minutes or so but they were the best twenty minutes I've had since this whole thing started. Ana held my hand and we just walked in silence, being in the moment together. It was wonderful and felt so normal.
This morning I'm surprising her with some breakfast hand delivered by me. Mom normally does it after she's had her medication and stuff but I just feel like we're in a better place now and I hope she'll appreciate it coming from me.
The nurse has just left so now is the time.
"Thank you Patricia." I say picking up the tray with Ana's tea and toast. I know we still have a long way to go but I just feel that much lighter today after the baby step Ana took yesterday.
I knock once before entering the room and find Ana alone lying on the bed, facing away from me, her behind is exposed and what I see shocks and horrifies me.
"Just put it there Grace I'll get up in a minute." Ana's hoarse voice reaches my ears but I can't move. I'm paralysed.
Ana's behind and thighs and the small of her back are covered in horrific purple and blue welts. Bile rises in my throat. My mind casts me back to the house where Ana was naked but for Jack Hyde's coat and the moment she said to the first responder that he'd hit her with a belt. My imagination couldn't have conjured something like this.
"Christian!" Ana gasps as she climbs off the bed and realises it's me there not my Mom. "You shouldn't be in here. Not now." Ana says hurriedly. I can see her panicking knowing what I've just seen.
Without a word I take the tray and place it on the bedside cabinet and then I walk over to Ana who is fighting tears. I can't say anything, there's a lump penetrating my throat and I know if I try to speak it will come out in a strangled cry.
When I reach her, I gently pull her into my arms, rub my nose into her hair and hold her tight. My Ana, my beautiful Ana.
"Christian" she whispers desperately.
"Please just let me hold you." I manage while I fight to keep my tears at bay. She does not need to see me cry right now. She sinks into my embrace and I feel her body begin to shake in my arms as she cries.
"I didn't want you to see me like this." She cries and I hold her just a little tighter in response.
"Why?" I question wanting to understand why she didn't want me to see it, why she didn't want me to know.
"Because...I didn't want you to...I didn't want you to remember what happened eleven years ago. I didn't want you to see me damaged... I just didn't want you to see it."
Eleven years ago. Yes I remember what happened eleven years ago. She asked me to show her how bad it could get and I stupidly agreed and spanked her with a belt but I've never done anything like this to any woman. Even without examining her closely I know the bastard used the buckle side and he was ferocious. Morton intended to cause damage. He's broken the skin.
"Ana. I need to know what happened in that house." I whisper. "My mind is conjuring all sorts. Please baby, I need to know."
She looks up at me, her chin against my chest and those eyes that I fell head over heels for are full of pain and sadness. She nods and takes a deep breath. She's finally going to tell me.
Ana
Well now I've told him. He isn't saying anything at all just looking at me from where he's now sitting on the bed. I've told him everything from start to end. He now knows how Hyde contacted me, how I went after Amaya and how Morton beat and raped me.
"Say something Christian." I whisper, needing him to respond to me. If he's disgusted with me, hurt by me, I'll deal with it but what I can't cope with is the silence.
"I just... Ana." He speaks so quietly, I think he may be in shock.
"I'm sorry Christian."
"What are you apologising for?" He asks those beautiful grey eyes snapping up to meet my own.
"I've only ever been yours." I say looking to the floor, the shame bubbling inside me.
"You think I care about that?" He asks and I look at him in surprise. "You're still mine, all mine and only mine. What he did to you, it isn't the same Anastasia. He raped you. He hurt you and was violent and ugly and it isn't the same thing." He looks angry now and I don't know if that anger is aimed at me. "Is that why you didn't tell me or want me to know?"
I nod and look back to the floor but in a flash he's in front of me, his hands on my shoulders.
"Look at me." He commands and I automatically look straight into those grey eyes, filled with pain and frustration and I just want to tell him everything will be ok but I can't because I don't know if that's true! "You Ana, are such an incredible person. You have been through something I can't even begin to imagine and in all of that you've thought of me. You've tried to protect me from pain. You're such a strong person Ana. The strongest person I know. I love you so much and you don't need to protect me. I'm here for you, we need to focus on you, getting you better, getting Morton locked up. You will get through this, we all will get through this my love."
He has just said everything I needed him to say. I fall into his arms with sobs engulfing me but for once they're not painful cries they're ones of relief.
"I love you Ana. So much." He says as he holds me tight to his chest. "Don't ever doubt that. I love you." He holds me until we're interrupted by a knock at the door and we separate just as the bouncy blonde comes in, Jamie my activity coordinator therapist.
"Sorry am I interrupting?" She asks awkwardly.
"No Jamie we're good. I haven't eaten yet or dressed so if you can give me ten minutes." I don't take my eyes off Christian as I speak and I see the pride shining in his eyes. Yes I'm not going to let this knock me back today. We've spoken and I think Christian and I are on the same page.
John Flynn
Christian comes into the office where I've been waiting for him and drops himself heavily into his chair. He looks so defeated and just as I'm about to ask him what's wrong I notice the tear that falls from his eye, quickly followed by another and then another.
"Christian?" I question. I've never seen this man cry in all the years he's been my patient. So this is huge.
"He didn't just use a belt on her John. He broke her skin, he used the buckle, he's scarred her." He says and I think he's fighting the urge to be sick from the paleness of his skin. "Then he raped her from behind as though she was some kind of animal."
"She's told you what happened." It isn't a question. He nods gently, he looks devastated and I'm not surprised.
"He brutalised her." He says weakly.
"How are you feeling Christian?" I ask needing to make sure he isn't about to have a breakdown
"Right now I want to murder the bastard with my bare hands." He says clenching his fists. "But that won't help Ana." He adds as an afterthought.
"How was she when you left?" I ask hoping that telling Christian will help and not hinder progress.
"She was taking it hard that I knew. She didn't intend on telling me John it's just I went into the bedroom after the nurse had been and saw. She had little choice but to tell me." He explains and I nod though this increases my concern that telling Christian will put her back in her treatment.
"She was off to mediate when I left." He adds and I can breathe a little easier knowing she didn't take to her bed after telling him and is fighting to keep her routine.
Tamara
"John told me you told Christian what happened." I say as soon as Ana and I are both sitting comfortably. After arriving and hearing from John what had happened I'm very surprised that Ana is still up for our session but she's given me no sign that she isn't.
"He walked in and saw the injuries. I had no choice." She replies but she doesn't sound stressed about it. I'd go so far as to say that Christian knowing is a weight off her shoulders. I nod gently, I don't want to dwell on it if there's no need.
"I'd like us to pick up where we left off yesterday in regards to Hyde. You talked about how you put your trust in him to get you to Amaya. Is there anything else about Hyde that makes you feel conflicted?"
She closes her eyes for a minute, probably replaying the events in her mind.
"He told me in the McDonalds that the man who had Amaya had brutally raped him over and over while fantasising about me." She says softly. "I can't imagine what he went through." She adds gently and I am once again amazed by this woman who thinks of everyone but herself. "If it's true." She adds causing my eyebrows to jump up in surprise.
"You don't believe him?" I question and she shrugs but again I see a thought formulating so I wait patiently for her to continue.
"If he was working with Morton. He told me about the rapes to get me to trust him and for me to follow him into that house." She explains and as I scribble in my notebook I listen intently to her. "We got to that house and he either let me go in there knowing what would happen having been through it himself repeatedly or he took me there for the sole purpose of my being raped."
"Which do you think it is?" I ask softly hoping to get more of an insight if she's leaning one way or another in regards to whether Hyde was working with Morton.
"I don't know." She replies sadly. "I want to believe he was helping me...but if that's the case why did he let me go into that house alone."
"Do you think he intended for you to be raped?" I ask because there is two sides to this, there is the question of whether or not he was working with Morton but then there's a second question, if he wasn't working with Morton did he still intend for her to be raped by him.
"That's the only logical conclusion." Ana replies dryly.
"I'm not asking for a logical conclusion I'm asking what you think, what do you feel?" I reply encouragingly. She's being so open with me about this and it's such good progress and I want to get as much out of her as I can. I want to know where her mind is at, what she's thinking, how she's feeling.
"I don't think it matters on this point whether he was working with Morton or not. I also don't think his intention matters either." She gives me a sad smile. "Regardless of where he stood, what his intention was, he knew I'd be raped in that house."
"Why are you so confident in that?" I ask as she stares at me, she does truly believe that Hyde knew.
"Because he came back with a gun aimed at Morton."
"And that leads us on to another point." I say and Ana nods. "Do you want to continue with that today?"
"No. I'd like us to continue talking about what happened before then." Ana surprises me by saying.
"Ok." I say knowing she has something she wants to discuss.
"To be found guilty the jury will have to believe he intended that I was raped by Morton when he took me to that house. Do you think the fact he knew shows his intent?"
"I don't know Ana do you?"
"I don't know." She half laughs at me and it makes me smile. "Jesus Tamara I don't know. All I do know is he knew. Whether that be because he knew from his experience or because he was working with Morton. He knew I'd be raped. He could have called for help, he could have told the police where Amaya was, we could have waited for back up. Morton had a knife, he would have been no match to police snipers. Why did Hyde want me to go in there alone? Why did he send me in there knowing what would happen if he didn't intend for it to happen?"
"So?" I push knowing now where this is going.
"I think he intended for me to be raped by Morton."
"Is there anything else that makes you think that Ana?" I ask knowing in my gut that there's more to this.
"He wanted to rape me eleven years ago. I sent him to prison for a decade. Tamara..." she looks at me, a look of utter pain and despair on her face. "I think that allowing the rape to happen was his revenge."