An: probably the last time I ever do this on my phone. Goodness me far more room for error doing the uploads like this.
Ana
I have been awake for a good couple of hours and thankfully Tamara has been in and done my meds. I'm waking earlier and earlier and I know Tamara said that it's because I'm becoming more tolerant of the drugs but she's also explained they're hesitant to bring them down because even though I'm not completely zonked I'm still displaying signs of catatonia when the meds have worn off and they don't want me going backwards. I'm putting all my faith in her and John that they'll get me through this and trust their judgement. It's all I can do.
I need a coffee and there's no one around right now for me to ask for one. The house is quiet, it's barely seven am so everyone is going to be just waking and getting themselves ready to start the day.
Well, here goes nothing. My hand is shaking as I reach for the door handle but I want a coffee and I'm sure I can run downstairs and get one before anyone notices I'm gone. It's just to the kitchen, nothing will hurt me between here and the kitchen surely.
My heart is racing and I hear it pounding in my ears as I begin to make my way for the stairs. It's just the house, I'm safe here, no one will hurt me. If I repeat this mantra I may just make it. Every step feels heavy and as if I'm walking through snow but while a part of me is yelling that I need to turn around I'm listening to the quieter part of me having a little party that I'm making it. One step at a time.
I get to the kitchen and hurry over to the kettle to switch it on and then I stop and scan the room. There's no one here, it's just me and I'm at home and I'm completely safe. Fight, flight or freeze and fight is winning. This is my fight, standing here and doing what I want to do is me fighting against the daemons in my head.
"Ana?" Tamara's voice sounds distant.
"Kitchen!" I call hearing her on the stairs. Surprisingly I didn't jump at her voice, maybe because I was sort of expecting to hear someone. Maybe because she called my name from a distant so not to startle me.
"Well, well, well I didn't think I'd find you here." She beams when she comes into the room.
"Would you like a coffee?" I ask showing her my own.
"Black no sugar." She replies back. "What made you come down here?"
"I wanted coffee. Do you not sleep?" I change the subject, I don't want her to analyse my coming downstairs or celebrate it, just accept it for what it is.
"I've been aiming to be up when you wake to make sure I can get you the drugs. We need to keep you awake for longer because these mornings are getting earlier and earlier." She's laughing gently and I nod in agreement. We do need to keep me awake.
"Does that mean pushing the talking therapy back because that exhausts me." I say handing her a mug over.
"Well is it the therapy or is it the drugs that's making you exhausted. If it's the drugs we don't want to move the therapy and just keep you active afterwards. If it is the therapy then he's we need to shift it."
"Maybe we can keep the therapy the same for now and if I'm struggling to stay awake after it then we try moving it." I suggest and a flicker of surprise crosses Tamara's face. "What?" I ask nervously.
"It's just nice to hear you taking an interest in getting you better." She says surprising me.
"Well that's the aim isn't it? Help me recover and then heal and learn to cope with the trauma." I reply with an eye roll. She was being a little bit patronising even if she didn't intend it. "I'm going upstairs to have my coffee and get washed and dressed before Grace gets here."
"See you in a little while Ana." She smiles before I head out. I know, today I've already made more progress.
Tamara
"Hey Jamie." I smile as our activities coordinator joins me in the office for a brief about how Ana has been before she goes to start some meditation with her.
I selected Jamie. I worked with her years ago and knew she'd come to Seattle to practise. She's a fully qualified psychotherapist but specialises in focused based activity therapy and she does everything from mindfulness, art therapy and even nature based walking therapy. The woman is incredible and one of the best in her field and so I'm so relieved she agreed to come in on this case.
"How's my girl doing?" Jamie asks making me laugh lightly. She's a very bubbly woman and even though she's closer to 60 than 50 now she still behaves as though she's in her twenties.
"She went to the kitchen this morning to make a coffee." I say playfully as though it's a big secret.
"Well I never!" Jamie plays along. A fake southern accent to boot.
"Yeah poor girl forgot about the CCTV cameras in the hallway and the constant monitoring of said camera. I was alerted as soon as she left her bedroom." Poor Ana, she had no idea that I'd be told if she left the room for any reason.
"Ah ha so what did she do?" Jamie asks as if it's a big conspiracy, a laugh playing at the corner of her lips.
"Just made a coffee and we chatted for a moment. She agrees that she needs to be kept awake for longer. I was hoping you may have some ideas." I look at Jamie because I really need her to have an idea.
"Well I'd really like to get her out of the house and walking, take her hiking. I think she'd benefit from that you know." Jamie says thoughtfully. The conversation is now completely serious, all playfulness gone.
"She's nowhere near ready for that Jamie." I point out and she nods in agreement, that kind of therapy will be beneficial yes but not for several months. That will be about reconnecting with herself after we're through with the trauma talking therapy.
"What kind of mood was she in this morning?" Jamie asks.
"Really good actually. She seemed... I don't know brighter maybe."
"Positive?"
"Oh absolutely. I think she was having a little dance party in her head that she'd made it into the kitchen." I laugh, she was so composed but I could see her pride.
"I have an idea. Let me do the meditation with her this morning and then I'll pop out to get some stuff and come back to work with her." And like that I have to put my faith in my colleague and friend that she will be able to connect with Ana again on a deeper level.
After the meditation session Jamie does pop out leaving me to do the talking therapy with Ana. She's not just looking better today but she seems to have made an effort. She's braided her hair over one shoulder and she's wearing a long summer dress and a cardigan. She's sitting in the rocking chair and has kept the balcony doors open. It's lovely to see her looking so well and shows her positivity. It's rolling off her in waves and I just feel as though her aura is brighter.
"Shall we pick up where we left off yesterday?" I ask and Ana gives me a small nod. I know she's apprehensive about this but she also knows how important it is. "Yesterday we talked about how Jack let you go into the house. What happened next with Jack?" I prompt her to start.
"Morton was raping me when Hyde came in." She says trembling as she speaks. "He told him to stop, he had a gun aimed at Morton. Morton asked if he was going to shoot him, Hyde said he would if he had too. Morton dared him to and pulled out of me. I was sick before I hurried over to Amaya. Hyde told me to get out but I couldn't move I was frozen and he looked at me and Morton went for the gun after the gun went off he ran over to me, draped his jacket over my shoulders and told me Christian was coming."
"Does that play into the confusion you feel about Hyde's involvement?" I ask and she nods softly. "Why?"
"Because he was so attentive. I didn't want him to leave my side when Christian came. I knew he wouldn't hurt me and he was protecting me. Him coming back had stopped the rape. He shot Morton. Why would he have done all of that if he wanted me to be raped?" She looks at me with big doe eyes and sighs softly. "A part of me can't believe he wanted me to get hurt when I think about this moment. But then, maybe it was regret. Maybe he changed his mind."
"How does that make you feel Ana?" I ask seeing the distress on her face.
"Do you know what?" She asks looking at me, I shake my head gently to prompt her to continue with the thought. "That what Grace says is right, I'm going to have to leave it in the hands of the jury. I'm never going to know the truth am I?"
"Do you think you can make peace with that?" I ask and she shrugs. I'm glad she's come to this realisation, that she may never truly know and she can accept that and live with that knowledge or she will be forever more conflicted in her mind.
"I don't like it. It makes me feel sick to think that this man, a man who nearly killed me a decade ago may now be falsely convicted of being involved in my rape but that isn't my burden to bare. He could have called the police, he could have stopped me going into that house in the first place and if those things make him guilty, I can live with that."
And there it is. The absolute crux of the matter but an utter acceptance of the fact. I thought it was going to take a lot of work to get Ana to realise that whatever the situation was she'd never fully know the truth. I was expecting a lot of tears, a lot of frustration but over these four sessions focusing wholly on the Jack Hyde issue she's been able to realise and accept that she may never fully know the truth.
Jamie
"Good you're back." Tamara says as she joins me in the office. "Magazines?"
"I'm going to get her to do a positivity collage." I explain as I pick up all the magazines I've bought. This is why I love alternative therapy. I mean if my clients can get into these activities with me it's a lot of fun. Doesn't feel like a job half the time.
"Oh ok." She says giving me a smile. I guess she approves then. "She's doing well after the session. It wasn't as emotional as they have been so there's hope she'll stay engaged for you."
"Good! I like to hear that." I laugh making my way towards the door. "Just hope she won't throw me out when I suggest this to her."
I knock gently on the door before walking into the room. Ana I sitting on the bed reading the back of a book.
"You're back?" She asks with a playful quirk of the eyebrow.
"We're stepping things up today." I say with a huge grin, she laughs.
"More meditating? I'm pretty chilled out still."
"No not more meditating." I drop the contents of my arms onto the bed. "Collage making."
"Collage?" She questions and I'm not sure what she's feeling.
"A future looking positivity collage or good future mood board." I explain a little more and she surprises me by putting the book down and sitting a little straighter. "I thought we could start today by flipping through the magazines and finding things to cut out and then tomorrow we can start cutting and I'll bring a board and we can start gluing them down." I really hope she doesn't react too badly to my suggestion. Some people love the idea of art therapy or craft therapy as I prefer to call this kind of activity, others can find it incredibly patronising.
"Why?" Ana asks and I smirk, I was expecting that.
"Because you've got a future to look forward to and I think you'd benefit from having something visual that you've created to remind yourself of that." I reply because it is absolutely the purpose of the activity.
"Ok, I'm game." Ana replies a little less enthusiastic than I'd like her to be but I'll take it.
I put some cushions down on the floor and Ana joins me with the magazines, at least she's getting stuck in!
"So anything that makes you think of your future, things that make you happy, we can tear the pages out." I explain as she opens the first magazine. "And we can add other things too like pictures of yours etc."
I sit in silence beside Ana as she flicks through the first magazine. I've bought a variety of style of magazines that she can pull from. It isn't long before she's tearing a page out and handing it to me.
"What are you wanting from the page?" I ask, this is why I wanted to do this, it opens the door to conversation too.
"The word grow." She says pointing to the word in the headline of the article about growing your own herbs.
"What is it about the word that speaks to you?" I ask as Ana goes back to looking through the magazine.
"Well, my family is growing." She says with a gentle smile. "And I think... I want to grow from this." She adds surprising me and it takes a moment for me to be able to engaged my brain to continue the discussion.
"How do you want to grow?" I push, loving how she's being open with me.
"I don't know yet." She laughs softly. "Maybe I'll volunteer to help women who have been raped or I don't know... I just want to grow from it. Maybe even be a better me one day and I don't know if that will be because of what happened or despite it." She says already tearing at another page.
"It won't define you." I tell her gently.
"Does it matter if it does?" She questions turning to look at me. "If I become a better person all round because of it?"
"Even if you do. There's so much more to you as a person than what happened to you." I tell her and she thinks for a moment before nodding in agreement and passing me the next sheet.
"The sunrise." She says before I even ask. "It symbolises a fresh start. Every day is a new day."
"Do you feel that in the mornings right now?" I ask gently seeing as she's so willing to be open. I'd half expected getting her to talk about the future would be like pulling teeth but she's in this moment with me and it's great.
"Not right now." She admits. "I'm taking it an hour at a time and if things do turn I remember that tomorrow is a new day but it's hard because right now I know what tomorrow holds, I wake up and I eat and shower and dress and I put the creams on, I meditate with you, I do the therapy with Tamara and then I begin to get tired."
"Are you feeling tired now?" I question as she begins tearing another page.
"Not as much as I have been doing." She says. "I feel as though I could sleep right now but not quite as exhausted as I have been feeling after therapy with Tamara which is progress I guess." She explained as she hands me over the next page. "The airplane." She says. "My family needs a holiday."
"Holiday sounds great. Why do you think your family needs one?"
"You really need to ask me that?" She says cocking an eyebrow at me and a teasing smile on her lips. This is the most Ana and I have spoken since I've been working with her. Meditation doesn't require discussion and I'm amazed at her incredible personality. She's been through a terrible trauma and her mental health has taken a battering and she's opening up to me and showing me glimpses of the woman I've been told she is. It's breathtaking and heartwarming. She's strong this girl.
"No but I want to know why you think." I reply.
"The kids have been to hell and back, we need to reconnect, they need us to give them our undivided attention. Maybe we can finally take them to Disneyworld though that's Christian's idea of utter hell." I giggle with her, she's really getting into this and it's fantastic to see and hear.
The next page she gives me has a lot of love hearts on it and she smiles shyly.
"I need to remember that there are a lot of people who love me and I love them in return." She says bashfully.
"Who do you think about?" I ask pushing her.
"Christian." She says. "My parents..." her voice trails off here and I realise that something less positive has just entered our little circle.
"What is it Ana?" I prompt.
"Nothing" She says quickly. Too quickly.
"Whatever it is we should talk about it." I push a little and if she doesn't respond this time I'll refer it to Tamara, my sessions are supposed to be all about a positive mindset and so I don't want to be responsible for Ana becoming upset, withdrawing or anything else negative.
"The man who raped me was once married to my Mom." She says quietly, looking at the magazine rather than at me. She hasn't told me anything I don't know. I've got all the details of what's happened to her and Tamara keeps me in the loop about developments in the talking therapy so I can adjust my sessions accordingly. "I've been thinking about what happened between them. Mom never knew what he threatened me with all those years ago but the marriage didn't last long after I left and I guess I'm wondering why."
"Do you think it would benefit you to know?" I ask gently as I can see that she's become very tense and withdrawn but I need to get this out of her before she shuts down on me.
"Benefit me? No. But I guess I have a lot of questions in regards to husband number 3 because she bought that man into my life in the first place and it may be nearly twenty years later but he finally did what he always wanted to do to me." She wipes her hand across her cheek wiping away a stray tear. "Sorry we were having such good fun and I go and spoil it." She says laughing awkwardly.
"It didn't spoil it. I'm here to listen Ana." I reassure softly. The whole point of my sessions with her is to get information like this to pass on to Tamara. I don't want the conversations becoming too deep or negative and I do want her focused on her future but when these little things crop up then I need to make sure I get her to tell me what she needs to.
"I haven't even seen her since this happened. I think Grace said she was here but... I guess I don't want to see her right now."
"She's staying at a hotel in downtown." I tell her and she looks momentarily surprised and I don't know if it's because her mother is at least in Seattle or if it's because I know where her Mom is. "Christian didn't want her going home to Savannah in case you wanted her at some point."
"Good to know. But to be honest she's be better of going home. I don't need her here." She sounds bitter, that's not good. Christian said they had a good relationship. Maybe they could do a couple of family therapy sessions together. "I'm tired now."
"Ok." I say realising this is Ana choosing to bring the session to a close. "We'll carry on with this tomorrow." I say gently as Ana begins gathering up the magazines. I need to report all this back to Tamara and quickly.