AN: Thank you for all the PMs I had over the last few months, for some reason I didn't get any emails about them so I've only just seen them. I'm working on replies!

Christian

It's been a hell of a twenty four hours. Listening to them explain the risks of Ana being so underweight and the baby being malnourished caused a lot of old anxieties to resurface. The thought of my unborn child starving in its mother's womb made me physically sick at the lack of control I have right now. I mean, over the years my need to control has lessened a lot in many aspects but hearing how my child is starving and there's nothing I can do about it woke all those old daemons.

John is thankfully helping me with that. He was right to send me to the gym yesterday and after hitting the punch bag a few times I calmed significantly but I'm really hoping that this dietician will be the big difference. Once again they've found someone experienced in PTSD who has come to work with Ana. She couldn't get here yesterday but here she is first thing in the morning ready to help us put a plan in place. A plan to help Ana.

Ana has made an effort this morning, she's put a pair of pants on for the first time since she was raped and a pretty blouse. She's healing, I can see that, but I also know she's got a long way to go still.

Emily Owens is a relatively young Mental Health Dietician who works in North Creek usually. She's here to work with Jamie, Tamara, John, Dr Greene and Amanda and become one of the ever growing team surrounding my wife.

This is one of those times I'm truly glad that we are wealthy people. Ana can have all this extra support because we're wealthy. If we didn't have the money to do this Ana would be in some facility somewhere with a tube in her nose having regular ECT. However because of the people we have had around us and the wealth we have to pay for it we've basically been able to bring a facility to the house and do a plan that's tailored specifically for Ana.

"So just so we're all on the same page, my role will be to work with Amanda as the midwife primarily. I will do a calorie intake plan and if you'd like Ana I will do a meal plan with you with top up Calories." Emily says with a lovely bright smile on her face. "Everyone ok with that?" She asks giving away that she is finding this set up a little intimidating. It's only Tamara, Ana and I here for this meeting, there was no point having everyone here for this but she gets the importance of all of this.

We all nod. She's just another person I have to put my faith in to get my wife back to me and I trust her. I have no reason not to.

"I've already spoken with Amanda about your measurements and I've spoken to Jamie and Tamara about your relationship with food. We'll work on that too." She says to Ana who nods but looks like she's shrinking away beside me. "Good ok, Christian, Tamara do you want to give us the room?" She asks and I shudder at the thought. I look at Ana, she doesn't look in my direction which hurts but I know her and I know she's feeling guilty. She doesn't need to though. It's not her fault.

"It's not your fault." I whisper as I press my lips to her head. She inhales deeply and leans into me a little more, almost as though she's telling me not to leave but I have to, she's got to work with Emily to get better.

I leave with Tamara and find my Mom, Dad and Taylor waiting for me in the office. It's a good job the room is a decent size because it seems to have become the main room in the house all of a sudden. Everyone uses it to meet and to talk. So much for it being my personal space in this house.

"What is it?" I ask shakily knowing that for the three of them to be here there's news and it isn't necessarily good either.

"Morton will be pleading guilty to the rape and the kidnap for a total sentence of thirty years." Dad says and I close eyes as I let the news wash over me. "On the condition he testifies against Hyde." My eyes spring open and I look at my father and then to Taylor and then my Mom who looks like she wants to burst into tears.

"Thirty years?" I ask.

"He'll be nearing ninety when he's released."

"Early parole?" I question.

"Not before he's served at least twenty years." Dad says and I nod again, at least he knows the ins and outs of the deal.

"He deserves life." I say and they all nod. "But it does mean Ana won't have to face him at trial."

"That's where we run into a problem." Taylor says quickly.

"The Judge would like to hear from Ana. He has asked if she would do a victim impact statement before he agrees to the sentencing deal." Dad explains and I look to my mother who looks devastated at this.

"Ana won't even go to get an ultrasound right now let alone go to the courthouse." I state.

"He's willing to give her two weeks." Dad says. "He's scheduled the sentencing for two weeks from now."

"Mom..." I look to her, she always knows what to do.

"It's Ana's choice sweetheart." She says and I nod. "But I don't know if she's strong enough yet."

"It's Ana's choice." I repeat. "What about Hyde?"

"He's still on psych at the moment but from what I learned he should be back in Kings County soon." Dad replies and I nod. It's just one thing after another! "It could take a good six months before the case will be ready to go to trial."

"Ana will have to testify." I say, this isn't a question.

"She will." Dad says.

"But she'll be ready." Mom says and I sigh, I don't think any one could ever be ready for this.

"I'll speak with Tamara and speak to her about letting Ana know these things. We're still handling her with kid gloves at the moment."

"Christian she's stronger than you're giving her credit for." Mom scolds me and Taylor and Dad nod in agreement with her. "She's not a china doll."

"I know. I'm just scared of losing her. She can only take so much more." I explain just as there's a knock on the door, I turn to see Emily.

"Ana would like a picnic in the meadow with the children." She says and we all look at her with utter surprise.

"Will she go out there?" I ask knowing she's only been out once and that was with me for twenty minutes.

"I asked her what she wanted to do for lunch and that's what she asked for. She's taking a really positive attitude towards all of this Christian, she's going to be ok." She smiles brightly at me and I nod. Though it's hard to believe her. Ana has been through so much.

"I'll go and speak to the housekeeper." I say, whatever Ana wants, Ana gets.

Grace

Carrick, John and I sit on the patio watching Ana, Christian and the children have their picnic. It's wonderful to see them all. Ana is chasing Phoebe and Teddy around the garden while Christian occupies the twins.

To an outsider looking in they're a normal family. No one would be able to imagine the unspeakable horror they've all been through recently.

"I saw Carla yesterday." I tell John. "She's desperate to see Ana."

"Ana is getting to the stage where she wants to see Carla too but not as a casual get together. She has some questions she'd like Carla to answer." John replies gently.

"I know. Carla has told me a little about what happened when Ana left Vegas and she explained she never told Ana. I'm not surprised our girl has questions." I say and I think it surprises John that Carla has opened up to me.

"I think Tamara plans to speak with Carla before she has a family therapy session with Ana. I think Tamara feels she should know what's going to come out beforehand so she can be prepared to help Ana. A little unusual but under the circumstances a good idea I think." John explains. "I'm sure Tamara will be in touch with her soon."

I hope so. Ana and Carla need to confront this soon or it will hang between them forever. The pair have always had a good relationship but I've never believed that it's a strong relationship, Ana's always been very distant about her mother.

Ana

"Tired?" Christian asks as I lay on the blanket, my head in his lap. I'm fighting sleep to watch my babies play but it's getting harder and harder with Christian running those long fingers through my hair.

"Hmm" I mumble in reply, unable to form the words.

"We should get you inside." He says gently.

"No. Five more minutes. I miss my children Christian and I just want to watch them." I reply yawning at the same time. My heart yearns for my babies right now but I know by keeping away I'm helping them. They don't need to see me weak right now. I'm hoping the less they see of me the less they'll remember of what I was like during this time.

He takes my hand and kisses it softly. I know he's finding all of this hard. Especially the issue with my weight loss and lack of eating and pregnancy. But he has to understand, food just hasn't been appealing to me and I've been feeling so sick all the time. For the first time in our marriage I'm putting me first. I've wallowed, I've cried, I've drowned in pain and sorrow and now...now I'm fighting back. Every day I feel just a little bit stronger and every day I feel a little bit more like me. I know it's going to take time and I'm not pushing myself too hard but I am fighting to get myself back together. But it isn't something he can do for me. I have to do it myself.

Working with Tamara is easier now we've dealt with Hyde. I am still very much torn about it. I do fear that his heart was in the right place when he helped me get Amaya back but I'm doing all I can to focus on the fact he knew exactly what Morton would do to me in that house. Even if his helping me was genuine. He didn't try to find another way and instead sent me into that house knowing Morton would rape me.

Rape. It sounds like such a simple word but for the first time in my life it's a word I struggle to say. It's too simple a word to express what happened to me. Rape. There's nothing simple about it and it doesn't explain the torture, the pain, the violation and the abuse.

I was raped. Nothing can ever prepare you for what that means. You hear the term, you hear others use it but until you live it, experience it. It's impossible to grasp any understanding of what that means. It is more than a physical act. It's more than just a violation of the body. It's a violation of your entire being and if anything the effects on an individuals mind is greater than the effect on the body. The body heals on its own with time but the mind, that takes a lot more than time.

"Hey Ana baby let me take you to bed." Christian says already hoisting me up in his arms as if I weighed nothing. I do weigh nothing. That's the problem. Thank god we have Emily now who is working with me on getting my weight up. The next few weeks is going to be filled with high calorie meals and protein shakes and carb replacement. But it will be worth it. Stephen Morton does not get to hurt my unborn child too and to prevent that I have to be stronger.