Ana

My Mom is coming today. Well she's said she will but whether or not she will actually show is another thing. She's backed out once so she could easily do so again.

I've always known what she's like. I've always known she won't show when I want her to but for the first time this goes beyond a want for her to show up. It's me needing her too. No one can stand in for her this time, no one else can answer my questions and help me make peace with what happened all those years ago.

"Ana come and sit and work with me." Jamie says from the patio table but I shake my head. I'm watching Carrick playing with the kids in the meadow and reminding myself I'll never be like my mother. I'll do everything to make sure I never let my kids down and that I'll always show up.

Mom missed so much after I left Vegas. I missed out on things a teenage girl should have from her Mom.

I remember my first period. Thankfully school had taught me enough that I knew what it was when it happened and I was older than many starting so I was ready for it. It was painful though and after taking a Tylenol I made the trip to the grocery store all by myself and bought my own sanitary towels.

It was months later when Ray realised I'd started and he bashfully asked if I had any questions or needed any help. I admitted to him I struggled with the cramping and he told me how my Mom liked to use a lavender hot pack that popped into the microwave and he went out that same day to buy me one. It was a little bit embarrassing but I was so glad that I had Ray there and that he tried. It was more than Mom ever did. I don't think she ever asked me about my first period. I went to stay with her in Savannah a few weeks later and I had my period while I was there but she never mentioned anything.

Looking at Phoebe now I hope she knows when that day comes she can come to me and I'll help her and answer any of her questions no matter how awkward.

"Fuck sakes." I hiss, dropping my head into my hands. I'm so angry right now, so very fucking angry with my Mom, with Morton and with Hyde.

"What are you thinking about?" Jamie asks coming to my side. She rarely initiates conversation with me that may be therapeutic so I'm intrigued as to why she's come to my side now.

"I should be dealing with the fact that I was raped. Facing the...affects of that so I can get my life back together instead I'm having to deal with the fucking years of neglect my Mother dished out."

"How does that make you feel?" Jamie asks and I scoff.

"I'm angry Jamie." I say gritting my teeth. "I'm so angry I want to scream."

"Then scream." She says taking me by surprise.

"What?"

"Scream it can be very therapeutic." She says again and I look at my kids running with Carrick.

"I'd scare the kids." I say dryly.

"Phoebe! Teddy! Come help your Mom a minute!" She shouts her hand waving over to my older children. They quickly come running over happy to help.

"What's up?" Teddy asks looking from me to Jamie.

"Mom needs to scream." Jamie says. "So I thought you could help by screaming too."

"Screaming?" Phoebe asks looking at me awkwardly.

"Yup. Go on Phoebe I bet you can scream really loudly." She says playfully challenging my daughter. Phoebe smirks the famous Grey smirk before opening her mouth and screaming at the top of her lungs. Jamie then nods towards Teddy who looks at me, quirks his eyebrow just like Phoebe did before joining his sister.

I laugh as it's quiet a sight but then Jamie nudges me and encourages me to join in. I roll my eyes but not being one to let the side down I join in too screaming as if my life depends on it.

"What the hell?!" Christian yells as he and Taylor join us in the garden looking like they've seen a ghost.

"We're screaming Daddy!" Phoebe says as Jamie and I laugh.

"It's therapeutic." Jamie explains as Christian relaxes.

"You scream too Daddy!" Phoebe yells.

"Yeah come on Dad." Teddy says before starting again quickly followed by Phoebe. He looks in my direction and I smirk, he's got little choice but to join in and rolling his eyes he pops open his mouth and gives a half hearted yell and I quickly follow while thinking of the anger that Mom and Morton have made me feel.

"Well?" Jamie asks when I stop and I smirk, she's right there is something therapeutic about standing there screaming at the top of my lungs.

"It's lunch time guys." Christian says having had enough of our antics clearly and I follow him and the kids inside to have something to eat.

Carla

I ring the doorbell but I don't want to. I don't want to be here at all but I know this is my last chance to prove to Ana that I love her.

Ray is right I've not always been there for Ana and for the first time ever she needs me and I let her down.

I can't let her down again. She will never forgive me anyway when she hears what I have to say but at least it will be because she knows the truth and not because I failed to show up to give her the truth.

"Come in." The young maid says opening the door and I follow her into the mansion that is my daughters home. "This way."

I follow her through the entrance hall and down towards a little room at the back. She knocks and on a woman's response she opens the door encouraging me inside.

I've entered an office that's all light oak and blue. I can tell from the decor it's Ana's Office it's filled with book covers on the walls and book shelves around the edges.

Ana meets my eye. She's sat behind the desk, rocking her chair gently from side to side a stony expression on her face. She's cut her hair, it's messy around her shoulders and I wonder when she had that done. I gulp as the shrink stands to greet me.

"Thank you for coming Mrs Wilks." She says her hand signalling the couch that's angled to the desk. Something tells me this isn't its usual position because it seems out of place. Ana still hasn't said anything but I feel the anger rolling off her and it makes me worried about how this is going to play out. Is she even going to listen to me?

I sit down on one end of the couch and the shrink sits on the other end. Ana is still just glaring at me and it's actually quite intimidating. It's the least I deserve though as I know I've let her down.

"So as you know Mrs Wilks..."

"Carla please." I say, my voice shaking.

"Carla, I've been working with Ana as she comes to terms with the assault. Ana has some questions she'd like to ask you and I'm just here to support her and you through what I anticipate to be a difficult conversation." Tamara says and I like her, she hasn't made it out that she's only here for Ana but will support me too. Of course she expressed that when she came to see me to find out what Ana needs to know in advance so she could be prepared to support Ana.

"What do you want to know?" I ask turning to my daughter and she rolls her eyes and grits her teeth. I wish I could reach over and give her a hug but she's not going to want that from me.

"How about asking how your daughter is?" She snaps and I gulp, she's really not wanting to play fair right now.

"I'm sorry..." I say glancing at the ground as I don't like looking at her when she's glaring at me with so much venom in her eyes.

"Ana." Tamara warns and I look up as she rolls her eyes again.

"What happened after I left Vegas?" She asks glaring at me once again. I glance at Tamara who gives me an encouraging nod. This is what it comes down to isn't it. What happened after she left me to go to Ray.

"Things got tough after you left." I shrug and look at the ground again, I can't stomach the way she's looking at me. "Stephen wanted you home with us."

"Didn't you think that was odd seeing as when I was there he made it clear he couldn't stomach me?" Ana asks surprising me. I thought she might just let me tell her what happened but no she's going to push me.

"I don't know Anastasia, I mean, he could see how hard I took you leaving me and I thought he just wanted you home for my sake." I explain with a shrug. "When you refused he became really angry about it. You were begging me to leave him every time you called and he would explode hearing that and say things like I had a duty to bring you back to Vegas and that Ray had no right to you and if I wanted you home I just had to contact the authorities and they'd bring you. He didn't understand that I just wanted you to be happy and if you were happier with Ray then I was happy for you to be with Ray."

"I'd have been even happier if you'd left him." She snaps and I grimace.

"Anastasia it wasn't that simple. I didn't work much, I had no money, I couldn't just get up and go because you demanded it. Where would I have gone?"

"Dad would have opened the door to you." She says and I sigh, everything is so black and white with her right now. It wasn't like that for me.

"What swallow my pride and come back to your father for help after what I did to him?" I ask and she looks momentarily surprised.

"You cheated on him." It wasn't a question and I nod weakly. "Fucking hell mother." She spits.

"Ana..." Tamara warns but Ana just rolls her eyes before looking back at me.

"What happened that made you leave?" She asks.

"He became angrier and angrier as the days turned into weeks. I was already starting to plan my escape when he became violent." I shudder, the memory is horrifying and I never wanted Ana to have to know the truth. "It was all about you. Whenever you called and refused to come home he would shake me and then when I stopped asking all together he'd hit me every time I came off the phone. I started calling you from pay phones but then he started saying I was a bad mom for not even contacting you."

Ana looks down at the desk and wipes imaginary dust with her finger. She's taking hearing this hard but she wanted to know and that's why I'm here finally being honest with her about what happened all those years ago.

"The final straw came when he insisted I call to invite you for Christmas. You said no thank you that you wanted to stay with your Dad and when I came off the phone.. I'd barely hung up when he grabbed me by the hair..." I clear my throat. It's hard telling my daughter this but even harder when I see guilt crawling up her face. She has nothing to feel guilty about. "He dragged me upstairs, threw me on the bed... I knew what he was going to do when he started unzipping his pants..."

"He raped you." She says tears filling those beautiful blue eyes of her biological father.

"No..." I say shaking my head and scoffing. "I managed to grab the lamp from beside the bed and I whacked him with it. He went down like a sack of potatoes. I didn't know if he was dead or alive but I didn't care. I packed what I could into a bag and I ran and ran. I found myself in a women's shelter and they helped me find a better job so I could get some money and helped me pack up and move to Savannah so I could start again."

Ana says nothing but her features are more relaxed now and I no longer feel as though she's angry at me.

"There's something you're not telling me." She says quietly and I sigh. She's right there is but I was hoping not to hurt her any more.

"As he was taking me upstairs he said he was going to show me what he wanted to do to you. Said that come hell or high water he'd get his chance even if it meant waiting years."

"Ok." She says and I wait for more but nothing more comes.

"I should have made sure he was dead." I whisper.

"What and go to prison for murder. No Mom you did the right thing in just getting away from him." She says getting to her feet.

"Ana?" Tamara asks gently.

"Thank you for coming and for telling me." She says but there's no emotion on her face. I don't know how she feels and from her body language I don't think she intends on telling me either. "I'm exhausted so I'm going to lie down." She says and before I get the chance to say anymore she's out the door leaving me with the shrink.

"I've lost her." I say quietly.

" I don't think so you just need to give her time. She needs to process this." Tamara says gently though she looks worried.

"I didn't tell her because I didn't think she needed to know before. How do I tell my daughter that my ex-husband wanted to rape her? I wish I'd have killed him when I had the chance but I can't take it back." I'm fighting tears now but I can't help it. Ana has had enough of me and she's hurt and I get that.

"Carla, Ana is incredibly strong and resilient and..."

"No thanks to me." I retort.

"I didn't say that." She replies firmly. "She's going to get through this and she needs to know her family are around and love her."

"I've let her down once too many times." I sigh. "I know that I haven't been a great Mom to her. I tried but... I was young and foolish and I never really took responsibility after she left. I took on an attitude that it was her choice who she lived with. When I got to Savannah I should have asked her to come home but I didn't want to unsettle her and then afterwards I guess I realised I wasn't her number one. Ray was her primary parent and then by the time she graduated college she had Christian and I see the way his Mother is with her. The bond she has with my Daughter is so natural and amazing but I can't replicate it. Ana doesn't need me. She hasn't in a long time."

It's the cold hard truth that I have to face spilling out to this complete stranger. It's what I've been thinking long before this happened but it's ever present now as I know Grace is always here helping with Ana and the kids but I've been relegated to a hotel room out of sight out of mind.

"Carla. There's nothing I can say right now that will help you or change how you feel and it would require a lot of family therapy with Ana which she is not in the right place to contemplate it. However, don't go home ok. Stay close. It will mean more to her than anything to know you didn't get on the first plane back to Savannah."

I nod as she gets to her feet. Her primary concern being Ana she needs to go check on her.

"Tell her I love her and that I'm sorry." I say as she heads for the door.

"Sure." She replies. I take one last look around this office. My baby's office. I hope to god she'll get through this but I don't know how and I know she won't let me in to be a part of the team trying to bring her back from this. I don't know what to do. I just need to go.