Ana

"Do we really have to go back to school today?" Teddy asks Trish pops breakfast down in front of him, this has been the question every day for over a week but I've made it clear the kids are back in school today. It's the first day of the new term and there's no reason for them not to go back.

I've spoken to the school and we've set up some counselling for Teddy and Phoebe through them so that the kids can come to terms with what happened to Amaya and me and in order to get the counselling; they need to be in school. I think it will be better for them through school. I'm hoping they'll feel it's more confidential.

I mean we all need some normality in our lives. Teddy and Phoebe included. Fine, I've decided not to send Amaya and Amelia yet but I'm hoping they can go after Christmas. I'm just not ready let my babies out of my sight yet.

They should be excited to go back and see their friends but I am wondering if there's a psychological need for them to know where the twins or I am.

"Listen guys, if you get worried at all through the day and want to check in at home that would be ok." I say deciding that seeing as I have a gut instinct as to what's wrong that I'll come up with a solution.

"They won't let us the phone just to check-in." Teddy argues.

"I'm coming in to have a word with your pastoral support teacher and I'm sure she'll be in agreement that you being in school and phoning me or home whenever you feel the need will be better than you not being in school at all." I reply as Christian comes down with a twin on each hip.

"You're going into school?" He asks having clearly heard half the conversation.

"Yes." I reply and he looks at me for a moment, questioning but when he realises that I am not going to expand on it any further he lets it go and sits the twins down to have some breakfast.

I love the morning rush. Gail and I become a bit of a team working a twin each and then checking on Phoebe and Teddy. The kids are responsible for their school bags and things because I don't want them to be reliant on Gail and Trish making sure they have everything they need. I'm fostering their independence by making sure that they take responsibility for that themselves.

"Ok we ready?" I ask meeting the kids by the front door. "Got your homework books?"

"Yes Mom" they reply before rolling their eyes at me and I laugh. My kids behaving like teenagers.

Luke is driving us this morning and Phoebe and Teddy's security travel behind us. I'm a little apprehensive about going to school with them but I need to speak to pastoral support and I always take them to school unless I have an early meeting but it's rare. Their day starts at 8:10 am and I try never to schedule a meeting before 9.

When we arrive I realise the kids are apprehensive. Luke opens the back door for them as I meet them on the sidewalk and I know I have to look stronger than I feel for their sakes.

Teddy looks around as I make sure his bag is on his shoulder. I know what's caught his attention. There are a lot more eyes towards us today than there usually would be.

"It's ok Ted." I reassure as I help Phoebe with her bag.

"Why are everyone looking Mom?" Phoebe asks.

"Well when Mommy got hurt it was all on the news." I say shakily. "So everyone knows Mommy was hurt and I guess they're surprised to see me and that I'm ok. Come on let's go and see Mrs Lewis."

It's horrible. Normally people would say hello and the kids would be waving at their friends but this morning I feel like we're a sideshow. Everyone is staring but no one is saying anything.

In the sanctuary of the school the pastoral support teacher meets us and shakes my hand with a bright smile on her face.

"Theodore, Phoebe why don't you make your way to class and I'll come find you both later?" She says clearly wanting to speak in private.

"Bye Mom." Teddy says giving me a quick kiss on the cheek and hurrying off, Phoebe clings to my hand clearly slightly more apprehensive.

"You'll be fine Pheebs." I say giving her a little squeeze. "I'll see you later."

"I don't want to." She says moodily.

"Phoebe Grace we're not having this argument," I say firmly. "Go to class."

She gives me a quick kiss and runs off without arguing any further thankfully and I allow Mrs Lewis to lead me away.

I've never had to come into the school like this. When Teddy started we had a meeting with pastoral support and the headteacher to talk security but by the time Phoebe started everything was good. We've never had any issues with either of them. They're well behaved and they get good grades. This could change all that though.

I spoke to Tamara on the phone about the impact this could have on the kids and she told me to be aware of a change on behaviour. It was her that advised meeting with the pastoral support teacher at school too so that we can be prepared to deal with any fallout.

"How are you doing Mrs Grey?" She asks signaling the chair opposite her desk in the office.

"I'm well." I reply with a soft smile that I don't know if I'm doing to convince her or myself.

"I'm glad to hear it. We were all worried when we heard about Amaya's disappearance and then... well everything." She looks extremely uncomfortable which I must admit is mildly amusing. I've been surrounded by people willing me to talk about what happened and not having any issue when it is talked about but this is my first experience of having someone who is trying their best to say the right thing but truly doesn't have a clue.

"I'm ok." I reassure her and she smiles brightly once more.

"So Theodore and Phoebe." She says happy to change the subject.

"They both refused to see anyone privately." I tell her. "But it was hard on them. I don't think it helps that they don't really know the extent of what happened. They don't know I was raped. Phoebe is just far to young and Teddy...well Teddy wouldn't be able to cope with it."

"You're deliberately hiding it from them?" She asks nervously.

"No. No we just haven't told them anymore than that I was beaten badly. They don't need the details."

"Mrs Grey. I appreciate what you're saying I really do. But I am concerned that other children will know and talk about it." Mrs Lewis says cupping her hands in front of her on the desk and I gulp. This isn't going how I planned.

"Mrs Lewis. They're both of Elementary school age. Their school friends aren't of an appropriate age to be talking about these sorts of topics either. This isn't just some inappropriate touching. It was a violent sexual assault and my babies don't need that in their heads."

I'm trying not to get angry about it but it's hard not to.

"I'm sorry Mrs Grey I'm just concerned that it may come out in a less controlled setting and that it would be more detrimental to them than finding out from you in a safe and loving environment." Mrs Lewis continues and I'm worried now that maybe I'm not doing the right thing here. Maybe I should have told them more.

"Mrs Lewis..." I sigh. "The children can come to me and to my husband with any questions and any concerns. They know that. They have asked what happened and they know I was hurt very badly and they have asked some further rather uncomfortable questions and we have been honest with them other than including the fact that I was sexually assaulted. Teddy is ten years old he isn't old enough yet to understand that aspect of it and Phoebe is even younger."

"Ok. If that's what you and your husband are happy with then who am I to argue." She says trying to make light of it but I am so angry right now that I'm ready to flip my lid with her. They're my kids and I'll decide whether or not they're old enough and mature enough to be told that I was raped. I don't intend to hide it from them forever. When the time is right they'll know the truth.

"I came to see you this morning as I believe they're both suffering with some anxiety as a consequence of the kidnap and the assault. They're both rather on the hyper-vigilant side and I think it would be beneficial to them both that if they become anxious they know that they can call me or home for reassurance." I explain ready now to just get out of here. I've had enough and I just want to go to work.

"Of course Mrs Grey. I'll pull them both out today during the morning session to have a chat with them. I'll reassure them that I am here for them and see if I can persuade them into counselling and of course they can call home anytime if they feel the need to. We understand this will have had an affect on them and we'll do what we can to support them." Mrs Lewis thankfully knows what her role is in this for my kids. It's vital right now that they feel some support while getting back to some sort of normality. "How are you doing Mrs Grey?" She asks sincerely.

"Wishing everyone would stop asking that." I reply with a shrug and a half-smile and Mrs Lewis smiles. "I appreciate the concern though but please save it for my babies."

"I will." She says as I get to my feet.

"Thank you." I shake her hand and head out needing to take a deep breath. It's a crazy time right now and I don't need to feel like I'm under a microscope. I've got a few weeks of normality and Christmas and the new year before I have to face this all again with Hyde's trial. I just need everyone to give me space now to heal and be normal.