AN: How do I even begin to thank you for the reviews on the first chapter? The amount of support I got was unbelievable. As in actually couldn't believe it. And then I did and my heart was so full! Thank you. It truly means the world.
A few people I absolutely love decided to all be born around the same time. And I wish I could write a fic for each one of them, but I am just one, smol, slow writer, so I dedicate this chapter to Beatriz, Lila and Mari. Thank you for the friendship, support and laughs and for being just overall amazing. I hope this makes you happy.
And as always, thank you to Blue for being my beta and cheerleader.
I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! It was written with all the love. And hope you have the merriest of Christmases!
Chapter 2
Their arrangement works.
It's like a goal, a yearly finish line, something to look forward to. Through work demands, arguments, pointless flirting, frustrations, late night drinks in his office and other people existing in between them — no matter what, they know they'll be together again in a year's time.
The following weeks they are a little more careful around each other, keeping a professional distance and going out of their way not to let their glances linger or their fingers brush, as if one touch would be enough to make them lose control. But days pass and they're back to their natural rhythm. Comfortable and slipping back into all their old habits. Every year in a cycle — the anticipation, the sex, the respectable act right after and then… back to normal.
Until next year.
They go to a bar or Del Posto and there's no doubt anymore, when the day comes, that they both want to go through with it. They talk and they have been drinking progressively less before their nights together. At a point there on their second or third time, Donna will admit she was using alcohol to numb down her nerves and get a little loose, but soon enough sex with Harvey, like everything else about him, became familiar.
She knows what makes him sigh and groan and tighten his grip on her hair. She knows when he grabs her waist just so he wants to take charge, wants her to surrender completely to his will, and she does because he also knows exactly what to do to her body to make her writhe and moan and lose her mind. She knows he likes to stay inside of her just a little while longer after he comes.
And she knows all of this even when she's in a relationship with another guy who, no matter how much she lies to herself, does not make her feel the things Harvey does.
She's been with Mark for six months. And god, she likes him. She likes him a lot. He's attentive and worships her, has a career she actually admires, the sex is great and he's nice. He really is. But she can't help thinking just how inconvenient her current relationship is to her plans with Harvey. She hates herself for thinking that, she's happy with Mark, wants to make this relationship work, but she just can't avoid the disappointment every time she glances at a calendar.
It also feels like a cruel joke from the Universe that her six month anniversary with Mark falls on the exact same day of her… anniversary with Harvey? She doesn't even know what the hell she should call it. The day she came to his desk. And the day they've been coming together every year since. Not that it would make a difference if it had been a day prior or later but it still feels like someone particularly cruel is pranking her.
They haven't talked about the situation at all. Of course it goes without saying — she's in a relationship, neither of them would cheat, and they both know it. But it's going to be the first time they don't spend the night together ever since they started spending nights together. It feels tearing and definitive in a way she's not sure she's ready to accept. There's something to be said there, she just doesn't know what.
And to make things just a bit more difficult, Louis had just been promoted to junior partner ahead of Harvey, after getting the better of him in the deal with Hardman, so she knows Harvey's not in the best frame of mind, to put it lightly.
Deciding she should at least give him a heads up, because if the situation was reversed she would like him to acknowledge it somehow, she knocks on his door one mid afternoon, hoping he's in a good enough mood for what she's about to say.
"Harvey. There's something I wanna tell you but I need to know if you're over what happened with Louis and the promotion."
"I'm fine, Donna," he says in a dispirited tone and she figures it's the best she's gonna get.
She asks to leave early the next night, which is really just her way of telling him she won't be there. And she won't be with him. He asks what for and he has a look on his face when she tells him it's her six month anniversary with Mark, a weird amusement on his features, and eventually she realizes that look is there because he already knew why she wouldn't.
"What's that face?"
"Nothing, I guess I just didn't think you were one of those people."
"What people?"
"The people that celebrate their niece's third grade graduation like it was the moon landing."
"And when was the last time you saw anyone seriously for six months?" She knows he hasn't been with anyone for as long as she knows him. Slept around plenty though, she thinks as she inwardly rolls her eyes, making an effort to maintain a straight face.
"I'm not the topic of this conversation."
"How could you be?" She sits down across from him, glad they're able to have this conversation without it being too awkward. "Because we're talking about a mature and committed relationship."
"You're right, Donna, we are. Which is why I got you a gift to celebrate your anniversary."
And there it is. Awkward as fuck.
She gives him a tight lipped smile as she reaches for the envelope he's handing her, mind going a mile a minute trying to understand why on earth would Harvey get her a gift to celebrate her anniversary with another man. He doesn't even get her gifts for her birthday, for god's sake, and now this?
It's a gift card, which she obviously and politely declines, saying something about how it would make Mark feel, having Harvey help pay for their date.
She thanks him. Not for the weird gift card or the weird talk but for not making any of it more difficult than it had to be. And then she's lingering there, lost in his eyes, until she remembers she has work to do and another man waiting for her.
.
.
If you really wanna help, promise you won't call or interrupt us the entire night — she had told him and that, more than anything, cut him right to the bone.
What the fuck does she think of him? That he would call her in the middle of a date with her boyfriend to demand that she went to him, because she was supposed to be his for the night?
Or maybe the fact that she made it so fucking clear that she wasn't cuts him deeper.
He likes to think that he handled the situation with unsuspectable casualty. That was the whole point of getting that stupid gift card she refused — he knew she would come and talk to him about dropping out of their agreement and he wanted to be prepared somehow. Despite all his knowing and preparation, it bothered him. He would never admit to it, but it bothered him.
He never expected that relationship to last quite that much — her relationships usually don't — and the longer it lasted and the closer it got to their day, the more wound up he got about it. And he hates that he knows exactly when her anniversary with her boyfriend is, that he'd been keeping track, because he'd been counting the days to be with her again.
And it doesn't help at all that Jessica won't have his back and she's making him bend a knee to Louis, work with him as a sixth year associate while that idiot is partner and is rubbing Harvey's face in it.
When everything goes to shit, when Jessica kicks him out of court with his tail between his legs, he decides to go along with Alex's plan, to accept a partner position at Bratton Gould and leave Pearson Hardman and it doesn't even cross his mind for one second that Donna might not want to go with him.
In his head, they are this undivisible unit. One can't work without the other in that weird symbiosis they've been living. But maybe, just maybe, she can do without him just fine and he just never considered it.
When he tells her he got them an offer at Bratton Gould and that they would be gone by the end of the week, she's pissed off and he doesn't really get it. Her job is assisting him. What the hell difference does it make if it's at Pearson Hardman or anywhere else?
"I gave Alex my word. It's a done deal," he tells her when she questions his decision to leave.
"Well, it may be a done deal for you, but it isn't a done deal for me."
"Donna—" he tries to dismiss her, but gets cuff off.
"I like it here, Harvey, and you can't just make this kind of decision about my life without running it by me first."
"If this is your way of trying to get me to stay—"
"I'm not trying to get you to do anything, but I'm not just gonna follow you out the door without thinking this through."
"What do you want, Donna? You want an apology?" he asks, full of annoyance. "Well, here it is: I'm sorry I didn't consult with you."
"I don't want an apology, Harvey. I wanted to talk this thing through with you which, by the way, is what you should've done with Jessica."
"Well, you know what, Donna? I didn't come to you for advice. I came to tell you to start packing. But if you don't wanna come with me, then don't come with me."
She scoffs her disappointment and leaves, leaving him hoping to god she doesn't call his bluff.
.
.
There's a loud knock on his door. And again, and again, repeatedly just in the time it takes to drag himself from the couch to the door wondering who the hell it could possibly be that they managed to get through security downstairs without no one having called in.
Because he's not an optimist, it doesn't even for a second cross his mind that it could actually be the only person he wishes it to be because she's A. on a date and B. pissed as hell at him. But then he swings the door open and barely has enough time to look at her there, sighing heavily at his threshold, before her arms are folded around him and her mouth is on his.
He kisses her back before he can think of it, hands reaching for her waist and lips moving to accommodate hers. Then reality catches up and he pulls himself back, a hand coming up to cup her face as he stares her down.
He takes a deep breath, swallowing down the urge to keep kissing her. "What happened?"
"Nothing happened," she says, and she reaches forward in a way her parted lips almost brush his.
"Donna..."
"We broke up."
He stays still for a fleeting second, not even long enough to consider asking why or whether she's okay, because as selfish as it is, he can have her. She's here, giving herself to him, and he can have her right now.
There's a brightness in her eyes that flicker when she stares at him, and she looks so certain, though he doesn't know about what. He's not an optimist but he hopes it's about him. About this moment, about the fact that they should just be together because they've waited a whole year for this and they'll have to wait another one to have this moment back. So to hell with it — they should make the moment count.
He draws them closer, kissing her slowly, hand moving to the nape of her neck and under her hair as he sucks on her bottom lip, but Donna's having none of it. She lets her purse fall to the floor, fists the fabric of his shirt and slides her tongue against his and there's nothing tender about it when she grabs at his belt and pulls him harder into her body.
He closes the door behind her, and presses her up against it, and he's trying to slow down their kisses. He considers offering her a drink and then she's unbuttoning his shirt, without ever letting their lips part.
He grabs her hands where they are, pressing them against the bare skin of his chest, and pulls apart a tiny bit, watching her trying to reach him, with closed eyes and parted lips, before she relents to meeting his gaze, dropping her head back against the door.
"You okay?" he asks.
She hikes one leg up and around his hip, grinding against the hardness that's started to grow in his pants, watching as he closes his eyes and draws in a sharp breath, making so much effort to remain in control and not give in to her.
"I'm perfect. How are you?" she replies in a casual tone, cocking her head to the side and trying to run her fingertips over his skin, even though he's holding her hands in a firm grasp.
"I'm a bit surprised."
"Hm. Well, I'm nothing if not unpredictable." She's able to reach his mouth again, lazily running her lips over his until he melts and lets go of her hands in favor of running his fingers into her hair.
She takes his shirt off while they kiss and feels him grow harder between her legs. Her hands quickly descend and unbuckle his belt, cupping and rubbing him through his slacks and his groans.
"Are you sure you're okay to do this?" His words are muffled into her neck.
"Don't you want to?" she asks, but they both know he does, which is why he gives her a hard grind, knocking her into the door with a soft thud, telling her not to ask stupid questions, and she lets out a shaky, breathy moan.
"Harvey, nothing's changed…" she tells him, so close to his mouth he could swallow every word, and then moving to his jaw line, her breath on his skin. "I'm broken up and I'm here and I want you."
Donna moves from the snug space between himself and the door and walks into the apartment. She's right in the middle of his living room when she glances back to check, but of course he's right there, no more than three steps behind her.
She smirks, seductive and knowing, a come hither look in her eyes. She's staring over her shoulder at him when her fingers reach back and she slides the zipper of her dress all the way down her spine and lets it fall to the floor. She doesn't keep looking to see his reaction, though. She just swiftly steps out of the pool of fabric, with an elegance that doesn't often shows itself on women wearing only lingerie and heels, and moves to his bedroom, knowing he couldn't follow behind faster.
He meets her at the side of the bed and tries to kiss her, but she sits down, legs parted with him between her thighs and makes quick work of pushing his pants and briefs down, hands running up his thighs until she takes the base of his cock in her hands and looks him in the eye.
She doesn't even blink as she moves the tip of her tongue all the way around the ridge of his cock.
His thigh actually trembles beneath her palm and he expels a staggered breath. "Jesus, Donna…"
It's only a moment or two of delicately caressing him with her tongue and connecting with his eyes and then she's taking the entire length of his dick into her mouth. Or at least as much as she can take, until her lips make contact with her fingers around his base and he's gasping and grabbing her hair.
She uses her hands and tongue and lips in a rapid succession that has him constantly groaning. She sucks, hollowing her cheeks and bobbing her head up and down his length and it's too much, too fast and she hasn't really looked at him since she's taken him into her mouth, which he now tells her to do with a slight pull of her hair, his other hand coming to cup her face.
"Slow down…" he pleads, breathless. "I've waited a whole year for this and the way you're going we're gonna be finished in ten minutes."
She takes her hands off of him, giving him permission and control to do this, to use her however he pleases, to fuck her however he likes, because after what she's given up for him today, after what she was forced to admit to herself, she feels like he already does.
I want you to say that you're not gonna follow the guy wherever he goes for the rest of your life.
I'm not gonna say that…
She didn't even know that was how she felt until that very moment. It had never crossed her mind to leave Harvey, but she also didn't know she couldn't. She wouldn't. Until Mark made her choose and it was instinctual, second nature. She didn't have to think for a second before the truth tumbled out of her lips — she just wouldn't leave him.
And now, with her lips wrapped around his dick, she just can't bare to think about it.
She can't think about why she chose Harvey — everything they are but don't have — over the possibility of a life and a family with Mark. Even though Mark was so perfect and Harvey was a thoughtless idiot who expected her to change her entire life for him without even talking it through with her, even when he apparently could leave her, as he so aggressively made clear when he dismissed her by telling her if she didn't want to go with him, then to just don't.
She can't think of it because it would crush her, because in the back of her mind, buried deep inside her heart and running feverishly under her skin, she knows why. And if she acknowledges it to herself even… she could never go back.
So she needs this to go harder, faster, deeper. To be fucked into oblivion.
But he doesn't.
Instead he uses the power she had just given in to him to move slower in and out of her mouth, her tongue smooth and wet on the underside of his cock as he moves.
He takes the base of his cock in his hand, the other one placed on the side of her neck, thumb brushing her cheek, and he slowly moves the head of his cock all over her parted lips, looking at her with the most intense, focused expression she's ever seen in his eyes while he takes deep breaths trying to get a hold of himself.
She doesn't know if she feels absolutely adored or just used but, either way, this needs to stop because it's not what she needs from him tonight.
Donna pushes him back and he's too turned on to notice the aggressiveness in her move. She unhooks her bra, and before it even reaches the floor, Harvey's hands are on her breasts, cupping and squeezing and he leans down to kiss her, but she pulls away before he can, moving back to the center of the bed, darkened eyes fixed on his.
She lies back on her elbows, hands teasing the nipples he had just been forced to abadom until he frees his ankles from his pants and finally, after an entire year of longing, places his body above hers in bed.
He leans down to kiss her, but she escapes him again, turning around to lay on her stomach, looking over her shoulder and raising her eyebrows at him.
He smirks at her move, lips reaching down to the back of her shoulder instead. He bites on her skin and roughly moves her hair to the side to kiss and lick at the back of her neck, placing open mouthed kisses all over the long expanse of her back, tongue playing with her freckles as his hand caresses her sides, under her body to squeeze her breasts, open palm running up the back of her thigh and gripping her ass.
Harvey moves down and slowly pulls her underwear over the round curve of her ass and down her legs, tossing it to the floor and going back to reacquainting himself with her body, hands and mouth wandering all over her skin.
But she doesn't need this right now, doesn't want it. He needs to stop adoring and worshiping her and start fucking her otherwise the reasons for the choice she made tonight will get a lot more clear and complicated and painful and she's just not ready to face it.
In retaliation to his tenderness, Donna bends her knees on the mattress, balancing on her forearms and pushing her hips up and Harvey actually moans at the view.
He places his palms on her ass and squeezes her cheeks apart and then moves his fingers between her legs to find her wet and wanting. He rubs her pussy up and down, spreading the wetness before he fits a couple of fingers inside her, enjoying the picture and the raspy moans from the back of her throat.
He takes his time with his fingers, his other hand caressing her lower back, lips finding the soft skin of her backside until she can't take it anymore. She just needs him.
"Harvey… just— please."
He positions himself on his knees behind her, his hand running up the entire expanse of her spine to the back of her neck, pressing her face down into the pillow, making her push her hips higher up for him. He places kisses on her shoulder blades as he rubs his cock on her pussy and when she spreads her knees further apart, he pushes deep into her center.
He moves deep and slow, his fingers pulling on Donna's hair enough to make her twist around so he can finally kiss her, all messy and hungry for her.
She pushes her hips back into him, urging him to move faster and he obliges, kneeling back again, gripping her hips with both hands and pulling her back into him forcefully until the room is taken with the noises of skin slapping against skin and the sweet sounds of her helpless whimpers spurring him on more than anything.
He fucks her hard because he's smart enough to have realized by now that's what she wants tonight — and it also just feels so goddamn good. He looks at their bodies joining as he pushes in and out of her. The grip he has on her hips will probably leave marks on her pale skin. Her moans are muffled against the pillow but he can still make out the oh fucks and Harvey and harder.
He really can't hold out much longer. He just needs her to come…
He lays down against her back, one hand moving under her body to hastily rub at her clit, the other balancing his weight on top of her. His mouth is on her neck, biting on her skin and whispering in her ear as he asks and demands for her to come and she does, trembling and writing beneath him as he keeps pounding into her a few more times before he lets go.
Every muscle on his body tenses up and releases and he presses his face into her back and moans as he rides out his pleasure, feeling her walls squeeze him in.
Her legs give in under the weight of her pleasure and Harvey's body and she lets herself collapse into the mattress, drawing in labored breaths as much as she can with him crushing her. He keeps kissing her, her back and shoulders and the back of her neck, and she keeps not looking at him because she feels like crying.
"This was amazing."
She feels his warm breath and his grin on her skin as he says it and he sounds so happy and satisfied and she's back to feeling a mixture of used and adored.
This wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to be using him just as much, and maybe physically she is, with the way she made him fuck her tonight and the mindblowing orgasm he just delivered but emotionally… she knows she's always giving everything and not getting anything back and it's her own fault because this arrangement was not supposed to be about emotion.
He moves, giving her room to breathe as if he knew how choked up she feels, but keeps an arm around her body and his legs tangled with hers.
"Donna…"
Harvey rubs his chin on her shoulder, trying to coax her to turn around and look at him and, with the way his voice quietly calls her name, she can't deny him that so she turns.
His eyelids are heavy and he smiles at her with an expression that can't be described as anything other than blissful and she hopes to god she can keep the sting she currently feels from translating into full blown tears before she can find her way out of his bed.
His fingers tangle in her hair and when he draws himself closer to kiss her she pushes herself back, out of his reach.
She sits up, twisting her hair in a hasty knot as she looks around for something to cover herself with, but there's nothing. They hadn't even pulled the covers from the bed and her dress currently lies on his living room floor.
"What is it?" he asks, startled by her sudden distance.
"Hm? Nothing," she says, then moves up from his bed and out of the room to retrieve her dress and quickly cover herself, foregoing underwear.
She zips herself up and looks back to find Harvey sitting in bed, watching her. He frowns and waits for her to say something and has maybe just the faintest hint of hurt in his expression and for one fleeting second she imagines what it would feel like to slip out of that dress again, turn every light off, lie back in his arms and tell him, instead of Mark, that today she realized she would follow him wherever he goes for the rest of her life.
She figures he would probably kick her out of bed himself.
She walks back into the bedroom, but despite the glimmer of relief the move sparks in his chest that she's coming back to bed, she's just moving around to collect her panties, her bra, her shoes…
So he gets up, puts on his briefs and stops her before she leaves the bedroom a second time. He holds her by the crook of her elbow, while she holds her things in her hands and looks at just about everywhere but him.
"What happened?" His tone is low and raspy, but firm.
She forces out a smile and forces herself to look into his eyes, which is how she notices he's actually worried. "Nothing happened."
"Donna..."
"I mean it, Harvey. Thank you for the great sex, it was well worth the wait," she tries to reassure him.
"Why are you leaving?"
"What are you talking about? We always leave."
"Not this fast. Not before…" he stumbles.
This is not their usual. They may not ever spend the night together but they always stay. In each others arms.
He likes the way she lazyly kisses him after she comes and runs her fingers through his hair. He likes dozing off for a few minutes before starting it all over again and making her come until they're both too exhausted and one of them goes home. It's the moments that keep him sane for another year of waiting. And if he has to wait an entire year to have her again, he's damn sure he'll make the most of the one night he has her. Except now she wants to leave when he has barely begun to quench his year long thirst for her.
"I'm sorry, Harvey…" she says softly, taking pity on his concern. "Today has just been a lot with the, hm…"
Only then he remembers she had just broken up a six month long relationship.
"Oh."
"I guess I'm just tired and—"
"No— it's okay, I'm— Sorry."
"Don't be. It's fine."
It doesn't look like it's fine to him. He rubs his thumb on her arm a couple of times before releasing his hold on her.
It's a weird feeling to him, having her in his arms for one moment and completely forgetting she's not his in any of the other ones. So much so that it escaped his mind that she was actually someone else's up to a few hours ago and he still doesn't know what happened to make that relationship end and to have her here with him tonight.
At first he felt like he had just won the biggest hand of his gambling career when she showed up at his door, but now a bitter aftertaste at the back of his throat makes him wonder if she had just used him to get over someone else. If maybe she was thinking about another man while she was in bed with him.
"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
Her voice brings him back from his thoughts and he focuses his eyes back on hers and nods.
They stand there for a moment, not knowing how to say goodbye, until they both probably realize, in spite of anything else, this is the last moment they are going to have for way too long, so he leans down and she meets him halfway, lips finding each other's in a series of soft kisses.
.
.
She forgot a book at his place. A wrapped, vintage edition of Shakespeare Sonnets that must've slipped out of her purse, so the next day he places it on her desk when she's not around, to avoid anything that could bring up the topic of the previous night.
When night time comes and he's packing up his office, he still doesn't know if Donna's leaving with him or not. He was too much of a coward to ask. And when Jessica comes in and tells him she told Hardman that if the next person they promote to junior partner isn't him, she's leaving; when she tells him he's the person she wants to be teammates with in the long run and wishes him good luck in case he still wants to leave, he knows he's making a huge mistake.
Just like Donna tried to make him see the day before.
And when Donna comes into his office to tell him Alex Williams had just called and that the move was a done deal, she takes one look at him and she knows. Even though he just looks at her and he swears to god he doesn't move a single muscle on his face, she knows he's not leaving anymore.
She cocks her head. "For the record, I would've gone with you," she tells him.
"For the record, I should have asked you first."
Donna smiles and shakes her head, her signature mixture of amused and annoyed, and leaves while he watches her through the glass.
.
.
It's only years later that he finds out what really happened that night.
It's only when the firm conducts a mock trial to try and save him.
It's only when they put Donna on the stand — when she lets them put her on the stand, taking another huge blow to protect him.
It's when Louis asks her in front of the entire firm if she loves him.
And asks why did her last boyfriend break up with her.
That's when he finds out Mark had asked her to choose between Harvey and him.
And she chose Harvey.