Author's note: Firstly sorry this is a bit late – illness last week meant no writing all week (delirious fever would no doubt have resulted in some interesting writing though). You might want to wait until the 21st of July before reading this chapter, as the ending might leave you feeling a little murderous. (It's not a cliffhanger per se but it's not a happy ending). My thanks to April (Ape31) for being my sounding board over a year ago with regards to this chapter in particular.
Warning: ANGST. Discussion of suicide (not just past).
MARCH
"So I got tickets to Beyoncé. For all of us," Sebastian states over breakfast, well brunch, and there goes his theory that Sebastian is avoiding him or gone back to hating him. Wait. Beyoncé.
"I can't accept that, those tickets are like… hideously expensive. And aren't the shows all sold out?"
Sebastian shrugs and god he hates the way Sebastian doesn't ever seem to think about money. He used to think he was bad himself, but this takes it to entirely new levels.
"Not the point Hummel, I wanted to celebrate and for all of us to enjoy it and I figured that this would be the best way."
"Three gay guys going to see hot women dance on stage is a way to celebrate?" Dave asks, looking incredulous. Kurt looks at him, shaking his head, although he's not sure what they're meant to be celebrating he has something more important to point out first.
"All the dancers are hot, and they're not all women. I think you'll enjoy yourself."
Dave makes a face that seems like he might agree with him and Sebastian is looking smug and he shakes his head, knowing that arguing is futile and that he'll just need to figure out a way of somehow paying Sebastian back. Like doing the dishes for eternity. Which he pretty much does now anyway. Ugh.
"The tickets are non-refundable aren't they?" He asks, just to double check and Sebastian grins, lips popping as he says yep, and Kurt can't help but heave a sigh of frustration. "I'll figure out a way to repay you."
"Oh, I'm sure you will," he replies and Kurt snorts and rolls his eyes, glad Dave is laughing as well at the implied sexual innuendo; that their relationship is secure enough to make jokes like that. He finishes off the fruit filled crepe and takes his last mouthful of coffee before standing and moving to rinse his plate and mug.
"I'm off out. I'll see you two later."
"What are you up to today?" Dave asks, although it's mixed with Sebastian asking:
"You mean we have the apartment to ourselves?"
Kurt rolls his eyes and nods distractedly.
"I'm meeting up with Adam for coffee and then going to rehearsal."
"So I can wander around with no clothes on and Dave and I can have sex on the sofa?"
"You do that anyway," Kurt mutters, although he knows he's not being entirely fair. Sebastian wears underwear and he's never actually seen them have sex, although he's heard them enough times for his imagination to fill in the blanks in vivid Technicolor.
He's not even out the door before Sebastian has moved to sit in Dave's lap and he waves and pretends he's put-out by them but he's not. Dave is blushing prettily and he can't help but smile, just so happy for his friends. Although a part of him is still weirded out by Sebastian even falling into that category.
As he rides the subway he considers his friendship with Adams. It feels good – different from his friendship with either Dave or Sebastian, but he's not sure quite what the difference is. Regardless it's nice to have a guy friend that he can gossip with, that shares so many of his interests and is so supportive at the same time. There's no agenda to Adam's actions, he seems truly sincere and caring, which is quite the novelty after getting used to the brashness of some New Yorkers and fellow class mates.
FAF
"You like riling him up," Dave murmurs, amused and turned on in equal parts.
"He just makes it so easy. I think he's getting used to me though."
"Mmm. Acclimatizing."
"Exactly…" Seb whispers and he moves his hips against Seb's, relishing the scrape of stubble against his neck as Seb kisses him, breath tickling the back of his neck.
"You take a lot of getting used to… but you're worth it."
"Oh, I'm more than worth it."
That makes him laugh and he rests his forehead against the ridge of Sebastian's collar bone before pulling back and licking it, sharing a grin with Seb when he looks up.
"Totally worth it."
FAF
Beyoncé is amazing of course. He got three tickets because he knew Kurt would appreciate the show, and that if he hadn't, Dave would have later reminisced about how much Kurt would have loved it. Like New Year's Eve, when they had realized that Kurt had missed out on Times Square. When he looks at it objectively it feels a little peculiar how often he incorporates Kurt into his plans for him and Dave as a couple, but when he doesn't it feels even more so. Although given how little Dave likes shows and how little he likes going to them by himself he figures he's getting the best of both worlds and it makes him realize why so many people rave about close friendships.
When he watches Kurt and Dave he has trouble figuring it out; where the line of friendship is for them. He knows there is love there; he's not stupid, although sometimes he suspects he's in denial about how deep it goes between them. They cook and eat together most days, they sit in quiet and study together despite it being completely different fields. Sometimes he feels like the only part of Dave he has is for the sex. He wonders if that's enough. Dave could have everything with Kurt, and he knows Kurt would jump at the chance. He just can't bring himself to let go.
He watches Kurt and Dave dance, the sheer happiness on both their faces and adoration on Dave's as Kurt takes his hands and makes him dance before reaching for Sebastian's hand as well… they make a good looking couple. He's thought it before, but seeing them move together now, laughing with Kurt singing along makes him ache. He's pretty sure Dave doesn't look that happy when he's with him and he knows then that he has to do it.
Soon.
FAF
For the next few weeks he tries to let everything go on as normal, although he starts to try and prepare himself as much as he can emotionally.
FAF
Every kiss he gives Dave now makes him wonder if it'll be their last.
FAF
I'm breaking up with you. Give Kurt your key.
He stares at the text and snorts, although his gut twists in fear. It's a cruel thing to text him, not even slightly funny and he wonders what the hell Sebastian is playing at.
Not funny he sends back and forces himself to remain calm, take slow breaths. There isn't a reply and he wonders what it means. It's still early; he can make it to Seb's place and back in time for class because he's not taking this stupid text message as anything. For all he knows someone else has sent the message, one of Sebastian's douchebag classmates. There's still no reply text though and he gets angrier the more he thinks about it, shoving things into his bag, more determined now to go and find out what the fuck it means.
FAF
He hears the key in the lock and swears under his breath. He'd been meaning to not fucking be here. He should have known Dave would fight this. He really doesn't know if he can do this face-to-face. He's already thrown up after sending the text, his hands shaking and tears trickling down his face. This is why he should have never gotten involved in the first place. It's taken him weeks to build up the courage to send that message and now that he has he knows he has to see this through. He takes a deep breath through his nose, trying to think of this as an acting situation, knowing that if he breaks in front of Dave he will just beg and ask him to keep him forever.
"Did you not get my text?"
"Yeah. I wanted to know what the fuck you meant by it. It's not funny."
"Wasn't meant to be funny. I just thought it would have been better that way. Tidier."
"Tidier? You're… you're actually breaking up with me and are worried about it being tidy?"
He shrugs, pretending nonchalance and wracks his brain for something that will cut, make Dave so angry that he doesn't even want to look at him. Oh fuck.
"Look, it was fun while it lasted but… I'm bored of it now. Tried it out and it's just not for me." He wants to lessen the harshness of his words, tell Dave that if he was ever going to be with someone it would be Dave, but he suspects that Dave would hook on to that, know somehow that he's bluffing.
"Please… Seb. Don't do this. I don't know what's wrong but… we can work through it. I love you."
"Mmm. Not interested." Sorry sorry sorry his mind screams silently.
"You… almost a year and you're just throwing it away?"
"Better than wasting any more time don't you think?"
"Did you ever actually love me?"
"I… don't know." He can't bring himself to outright lie, but thankfully it looks like it's enough, Dave's face crumpling and god he feels sick. Dave is turning away, face pale and he suspects he's about cry any second. A selfish part of him wants him to leave before that happens, knows he will cave but then Dave is turning back, looking angry.
"You're a fucking selfish asshole, you know that?"
"I know. I never said I wasn't." Dave looks like he wants to punch him and he wouldn't blame him if he did. He turns and walks away and Sebastian watches him, heart and gut clenching. "Lock the door behind you on your way out would you?"
The door slams and he lets himself sag against the wall, his hands shaking as he sends a message to Kurt.
FAF
His phone beeps and he picks it up, seeing the message from Sebastian. His first instinct is to ignore it. It's probably about remembering to bring home milk or a coffee. Except it isn't. 'Can you please go and see Dave and stay with him. Make sure he's okay. Please.' Sebastian never uses please. Well, not twice in a text message anyway. He wants to ring and ask what's happened, but he's already packing his bag, apologizing to his study group and explaining it's an emergency. Adam asks if everything is okay and he replies with a muttered I don't know.
His text messages to both Sebastian and Dave go unread and unanswered. He's starting to feel violently ill now, the feeling that something is wrong suffusing him and he can barely remember where Dave's dorm is, only having visited it twice before. It's still early, not even mid-morning, the main door open and he's glad it's not later, because getting in would be a lot more difficult. He takes the stairs two at a time, knocks on the door to Dave's dorm room and gets no answer. Trying the door he finds it locked and he lets the slow burning panic in his gut overwhelm him for just a second.
"Oh god…"
"You okay?"
He turns to find another man watching him, eyebrow raised and looking slightly suspicious.
"I'm… I'm a friend of Dave's. David Karofsky. This is his room –"
"I know Dave. I don't know you."
"I'm Kurt. Look, I don't mean to be rude but this is an emergency. Do you know how I can get into his room?"
The guy snorts and shakes his head.
"Give me one good reason."
He thinks about Sebastian's message and only one thing, the worst thing keeps coming to the front of his mind.
"I think Dave might be suicidal."
They exchange a look and Kurt tries to load as much meaning as he can. Time drags and although he suspects it's only a second it feels like forever.
"Well shit."
Then the guy is pulling keys from his pocket and he's flooded with a little bit of relief although still paralysed with fear at what might be on the other side of the door. The door is pushed open and the lights are off and he's instantly sick that maybe Dave has done something… the light goes on and he looks around. It's empty. It doesn't make him feel any better.
"So, he's not here. Want to share with me why you think he's suicidal?"
"He's… tried before. A year ago. I… do you have any idea how I can find him? He's not answering his phone. His boyfriend text me asking me to come and –" That's when he sees him, face pale but with splotchy red cheeks and red-rimmed and he moves to him.
"Dave… what's happened?"
"Kurt? I… What are you doing here?"
"Sebastian sent me a message. I… what's happened?"
"He broke up with me."
Dave doesn't sound like he quite believes it and he definitely doesn't believe it, because if Sebastian broke up with Dave then why get Kurt to come and check up on him. Oh. So he's not that much of an asshole. Of course he understands not wanting anyone to commit suicide, especially if he thought Dave might… but. He just doesn't get it. He knows he'd want to know how Dave is so he sends Sebastian a quick message, telling him he's with Dave and that he'll talk to him later.
Because he will be talking to him.
FAF
The flood of relief knowing that Dave isn't alone, that Kurt will take care of him makes him let out a small sob of relief. Just take care of him he sends back and he slings his bag over his shoulder. He's booked himself into a hotel for a week, needing to just remove himself from everything for a while. He doesn't want to be in the bed that holds so many memories of Dave, doesn't want to be around the first time Dave comes around for Kurt instead of him…
Fuck this sucks.
FAF
He has no memory of getting back to his dorm room. He doesn't really get why Kurt's there. Sebastian didn't say it, and he's not an idiot. He remembers the way Kurt and Seb danced together, not only at the concert but also at the few clubs they've been together. They move as one, fluid, unlike his own clunky attempts when he tries to dance with either of them. He ignores as best he can Kurt muttering about wanting to kill Seb, because it just hurts. He always knew, deep down, that he wasn't good enough and now Seb has just realized it.