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Anastasia
"Hi Jamie." I smile as I arrive at our meeting point at Rattlesnake Lake.
"Hi Ana. Did you have a good birthday?" She asks already signalling the way with her hand and I realise we're not stopping to chit chat.
I called Tamara to tell her about the flashback and she suggested speaking to Jamie about doing some walking therapy. So I did. Jamie was excited to hear from me which is weird because why would anyone want to be giving someone therapy is beyond me but I am glad she jumped at that chance to see me and only a couple of days later here we are about to start a four-mile hike to rattlesnake ledge and back.
"It could have been better." I admit and she gives me a sympathetic smile, I told her about the flashback on the phone so she knows what happened.
We walk around the north end of the lake in silence, giving me time to appreciate the beautiful wind and the autumn chill in the air. This is relaxing so far and it's nice. I can see why now hiking lends itself well to therapy, how can you not open up and spill your guts when surrounded by fresh air and the tranquility of the great outdoors.
This isn't my first time doing this hike. Christian and I have done it a few times over the years with the kids as it's not a heavy walk at all. A couple of hours at a gentle pace.
"So I was thinking." Jamie starts as we pass the boulder that signals the start of our ascent to the ledge. "It's really important that we understand what triggers the flashbacks. That way we can work on lessening the effect of the trigger to soon hopefully find they're no longer a trigger." Jamie explains and I hum in understanding. That makes sense. "In order to do that we need to talk openly about the incident itself, everything you remember, the mind has a funny way of holding memories in traumatic incidents and we need to know how your mind processed the memory of the rape."
Great. Just great. I'm walking four miles with this woman and she wants me to talk about the rape. Just fucking great. Now I'm already regretting doing this. I stop and look back. We've not even walked half a mile yet it would be easy to turn back.
"Ana." Jamie says and I look at her to realise we've stopped. "That's your fight or flight kicking in. Don't let flight win." She says and I look at my escape again and take a deep breath. She's right. I can't let flight win. If I let flight win it sets me back and I need to be moving forward.
"Ok." I say turning back to our walk and coming back to Jamie's side.
"You know dealing with trauma can be like hiking. It's not quick and it's not easy but the more you do it and the more you face it the easier it becomes. The further into it you get the harder it becomes but on the other side it becomes easier." Jamie says and I smile, it's a good analogy to describe it.
We walk in silence a bit more. Through the dark trees, I inhale deeply, enjoying the smell of nature.
"What happened when Stephen Morton raped you?" She suddenly asks and I shiver. I don't want to have this conversation. There's just no need I've dealt with the rape itself. Haven't I? "Talking about it is half the fight."
"But I don't want to." I reply angrily.
"I know." Jamie laughs. "Goodness me I'd be worried if you did want to. But ignoring it doesn't make it go away. It allows the flashbacks to seep through your subconscious because you're not facing the memory head-on." Jamie continues and I nod weakly. She's right, of course, she's right. "Just tell me about the first few things that happened leading up to the rape." She suggests. I guess that's easier.
"I heard him before I saw him." I start trying not to give away how scared this makes me but my voice shakes giving it away. I adjust my backpack, it suddenly feels very heavy.
"What did he say?" Jamie prompts when I've been quiet too long.
"We meet again Anastasia." I say tears forming in my eyes. "I knew who he was just from those four words and my blood ran cold Jamie. I knew at that moment, before I even looked at him, what was going to happen to me in that house."
"Is that because of what happened when you lived in Vegas?" She asks and I nod weakly but she can't see me.
"Yes." I reply. "I'm that moment all I could think about was keeping Amaya safe. She was just lying there asleep on the couch and this monster was looming over us. I did all I could and squared up to him. I wasn't going to take it lying down."
"How did he react?" Jamie asks.
"He squared his shoulders back and made it clear, I was his bitch and whatever he wanted he was going to get it if Amaya was going to leave there safely. I thanked him for not hurting my baby..." my voice cracks with the shame.
"Ana you were doing whatever you needed to survive. You did nothing wrong." Jamie reassures but I shake my head and focus on the walk. I can't deal with this, I don't want to talk about it!
We walk another half mile or so in silence. I spend it trying to figure out how to say the next bit.
"I wasn't raped." I eventually say which has Jamie stopping completely still.
"Ana..." she starts as I know she wants to argue with me.
"He told me to strip and I did." I tell her. "There was no force, at this point, there was no violence." I explain. "This is why I don't want to talk about it because I feel it's wrong to call it rape when I started taking my clothes off without any force."
"Why did you strip?" Jamie asks gently as we walk further.
"I said I wanted to take Amaya home." I reply weakly. "He said I had to fulfill his fantasy first."
"What do you think would have happened if you hadn't done as he said?" Jamie doesn't let a beat pass without asking the next question which suggests she had every intention of asking it.
"He had a knife." I shudder. "I didn't see it till I was already taking my clothes off but I was so scared." I stop because my heart is racing so fast in my chest I'm afraid I'll pass out.
"It's ok Ana. You didn't do anything wrong." Jamie says with a soft voice pulling me from my own thoughts. "At that moment in time you knew that if you didn't respond to him he would hurt you and possibly Amaya. You did the right thing in following his instructions. If you hadn't you may not be here right now to tell your story. Your kids would have lost their Mommy." Jamie says but I struggle to believe her. I feel like I asked for it by going there and taking my clothes off.
"I didn't want to." I tell her, struggling to speak through unshed sobs. "I just...Amaya..." I say and she nods and places her hand softly on my shoulder.
"You did what you needed to do to survive Ana." She says and I nod hard, she's right. I was so scared for my life and Amaya's life. I'd have done anything at all if he'd have told me too. "Fighting in an attack like that usually leads to a worse outcome. If I could give rape victims one piece of advice it would be to play dead, it could be the difference between life or death." She says and I hum an acknowledgment but say nothing more. I didn't play dead I just let him get on with it. "We often talk about fight or flight in these situations Ana but I always remind my clients that there is a third response and that's freeze, it's just as normal for your body to go into shock and for it to be incapable of responding the way it should. Women who experience that don't like to admit it because they think it makes them weak, but it doesn't mean that as it's a natural startle response to something highly traumatic."
That gives me a lot to think about, did I freeze in shock? I don't think I did I just kind of gave up. I knew what would happen what was the point fighting it? She is right that it was a survival thing for me, I needed to survive because he said if I let him do what he needed to do that I could take Amaya home and that was all I thought of. He could have done anything to me as long as I was able to walk out of there with my daughter. We walk the rest of the way in silence which just allows me to think about it all and when we get to the ledge we stop there for a rest, admiring the grey and overcast view.
"He brought the knife to me when I wasn't taking my clothes off fast enough and tore them. I held my breath thinking he would cut me. He stank of sweat and stale cigarettes. He'd been drinking too. There was a strong smell of vodka. He grabbed my hair and yanked my head back..." I shudder. The memory is so vivid as if it's happening once again but instead of feeling it, I'm seeing it from a third-person perspective. "His breath wasn't hot in my ear as he told me he was going to enjoy it and that I would too and when he was done I could take Amaya." My breathing is harsh right now, I'm struggling against the memory because I don't want to see it, I don't want to remember but it's flooding back to me and I need to just tell Jamie what I'm seeing and feeling.
"He used my hair to get me onto my knees." I say my hand going to my ponytail as I remember the sting of hair being pulled from my head. "When I heard him pulling his belt off... I started struggling against him but I couldn't get out of his grip and I was so scared...I...I know how a belt can feel in the hands of a man with love in his heart...I knew what was coming would be worse than that..." I choke and Jamie stands closer to me and I slip my hand into hers needing her strength while I talk about this. It's not easy but I need to get it out.
"What do you mean by that?" Jamie asks and I suddenly realise John hasn't told Jamie and Tamara about the BDSM. I thought he would have but then again, it doesn't have the same impact on me as it does Christian. I'm sure John and Christian have spoken a lot about the effect of this on our sex life.
"Christian..." I breathe deeply. "Christian and I have had a sexual BDSM relationship. When I met him eleven years ago Christian only had BDSM relationships and he wanted me to be his submissive and despite the fact we had fallen head over heels in love with each other, Christian failed to believe he could give and receive love and couldn't let go of what he called his sadism. I told him to show me how bad it could be. I wanted him to do his worst. That day Christian hit me with a belt ten times and I walked out on him and made it clear he would never do that to me again. Obviously we got back together and we have come a very very long way from there but...that happened." I feel a weight being lifted having brought this up. I think that's something I've found hard to rationalise with. How Christian was able to do that to me over ten years ago despite the fact he loved me when Morton did that to me with the intention to hurt and disfigure me.
"Do you feel that what Morton did was the same as Christian?" Jamie asks gently and I shake my head.
"Like I said. Christian had love in his heart. The marks Christian left completely healed within days. Morton has scarred me for life. Christian intended to show me how pleasure and pain are intertwined while Morton's only want was to hurt me. I always knew Christian wasn't a sadist despite him telling me he was and I'm even more certain of that now because I know that Morton is a sadist. A sadist's only wish is to cause pain and hurt and that's what Morton did and that is not what Christian wanted to do." It comes spilling out of me like someone opens the faucet and I really am relieved to get it all off my chest. It's been a lot to think about, what happened all those years ago to what happened now and I needed to talk to someone about it.
"He started stroking me..." I say going back to what happened with Morton while I have the strength to. "His hands were all over my butt making my skin crawl and the entire time I was holding my breath knowing what was coming. But nothing could have prepared me for the pain. I knew he'd used the buckle. It was a searing pain..." I start to shake again quite violently as the memory assaults me all over again. "He laughed at me when I face planted the floor and I just prayed that I had the strength to survive and that I would see my babies again... he hit me ten times before he penetrated me and by that stage, I had no strength to fight Jamie. I lay there while he pounded into me, his hands gripping my hips so tight he left bruises, the pain of the penetration was worse than the belt. Then Hyde came in with a gun and he stayed inside me while he talked. It was disgusting. I think I was sick. He finally let me go and I went over to Amaya and the next thing I know the gun goes off and Hyde is beside me putting his jacket around me..."
I fall to my knees as I sob hard. The memories assaulting me over and over again that I feel every touch, every pain, I feel sick to my stomach.
"It's ok Ana. You're completely safe here. Nothing will hurt you. You're safe." Jamie repeats over and over as I try to ground myself and bring myself back to the ledge and not in that house. I need to focus on the air around me, the light rain that's started falling. I'm not at that house I'm here safe with Jamie.
"How am I supposed to deal with this Jamie whenever I think about it I'm back there in that house and the flashbacks? The flashbacks take me there without me having to do anything. It's a reaction that I can't stop, that I can't control."
"We deal with it by facing it Ana. By making the memories less frightening. By confronting it as something that happened in the past that you survived. This isn't forever I promise you, it just means we have to face it and deal with it. A big part of that is accepting that it happened and the effect it had on you, stop downplaying it and minimising the effect it had had on you."
I nod, she's right. Minimising it has been exactly how I've been dealing with it so far and it hasn't helped at all. It has had a huge effect on me, it's affected so much about me and my life, and if I don't accept that how can I possibly begin to confront it?
We walk down in complete silence, Jamie letting me wallow in my memory and coming to terms with what's happened. I'm soaked to the skin by the time we get back to the cars but I turn to Jamie and hug her tight taking her by complete surprise.
"Thank you." I tell her and she chuckles.
"I didn't do anything." She said.
"You helped me face it and you're right I need to accept it. The rain feels very symbolic, like coming down from that ledge it was washing the denial from me. It's weirdly what I needed."
"I also don't control the rain." Jamie says making me laugh. "Now get home before you get a cold." I smile at her and Luke opens the car door for me to climb inside. I feel suddenly incredibly strong. Like I could take on anything. This is healing.