Ana

I'm really not in the mood for this but at Grace and Carrick's last week for Thanksgiving I let Kate and Mia talk me into a Christmas shopping trip which includes taking Phoebe, Anastasia and Ava along with us too.

We're at The Braven which is Mia's favourite shopping mall, ultra-hip, ultra-cool and ultra-expensive. I hate coming here with Christian because he spends thousands as if it was pocket change but at least coming here with the girls I can try and control the spending. Despite all these years being rich I struggle with money and am very conservative with my spending.

"You stay close to me." I warn Phoebe as we spot Kate, Mia and Ava. I sensed her wanting to run to her friend and cousin but she settles for a wave. I glance over my shoulder and Luke is there with Johnathon another one of our team. Luke gives me a nod, acknowledging my need for reassurance that they're there. Phoebe and I had a long conversation this morning about how important it was that she stayed in my line of sight at all times, I was honest with her and explained that after losing Amaya that I was very scared and that her staying where I could see her would help me. That seemed to get her to understand the importance of my instructions and I know that Christian also had a very similar conversation with her. She's handled it all so maturely which school says is a testament to our parenting but I think it's just Phoebe's amazingly strong and resilient character.

"I'm so glad you came." Kate says giving me a hug because she knew more than Mia that I really didn't want to come, especially as it was in Neiman Marcus, right here, that Amaya went missing and I haven't been back in the store since then.

"Then don't make me regret it." I tease before hugging Mia and peeking in the pushchair at a sleeping Anastasia. "Changed her name yet?" I ask earning a scowl. "She'll hate you for it in about three years you know that right?" I say quirking my eyebrow playfully.

"It's a beautiful name." She says still scowling. "She'll be proud to share her name with her Aunt."

"Come on Mom! Let's go shopping!" Ava says dragging Kate's hand and forcing us to the nearest store.

I don't know who's worst Mia or Kate but I'm relieved when I'm recognised by the shop assistant and offered support. I snigger when Kate pulls a tongue at me. Advantages of having my name on one of the biggest bank accounts in Washington State plus of course commission, it's always about the commission.

I decided to look at the men's silks. Christian likes wearing scarves to events with his suits and tuxes so it's always a good and safe choice for him as a gift. With Christmas around the corner I need to make sure I have his gifts sorted. Phoebe is quite happy to browse with me too which is nice, she knows I need her close right now and is respecting what I told her at home, which was she had to stay in my eye-line.

"Mommy I think Daddy would like this one." She says showing me a silk scarf with a Dinosaur on it. I giggle because I know if it's from Phoebe he would definitely wear it even though it's a really big dinosaur that would be visible when he wore it.

"Do you want to get that for Daddy for Christmas or would you like to wait and see what else you see?" I ask and she thinks for a moment before letting the scarf go. Good as I can't imagine being on Christian's arm at an event while he wears it but he would, to make Phoebe happy he really would. She went shopping with Grace once and bought a tartan flat-cap. It was horrible but Christian wore it every day for a week before saying he'd save it for the boat as it was best suited for sailing. I don't think he's worn it since but I'm sure he still has it. Anything to make the kids happy.

"I just don't earn enough." Kate muses as I hand the assistant a scarf I know Christian would like. I giggle, Kate is a step away from owning the newspaper she worked for when she first left college. The one thing she doesn't have is money worries.

"That's just because you want to own the entire store." I tell her and she laughs. Yeah, Kate even after all this time I know you.

Eventually we make it to Neiman Marcus and I'm relieved I can finally find some maternity wear now. I will be heavily pregnant when I have to go to court for Hyde's trial so I'm going to need suitable attire plus everyone else has splurged on themselves it's only fair that I get my turn. I am anxious though, I find myself looking around a lot more and sensing that Luke comes in closer while Johnathon keeps closer to the entrance.

As I browse the very limited selection thinking of the next few weeks with Christmas and New Year too, I'm determied to find some suitable clothes and not care about how much they cost. I'm not sure I have anything to wear to Grace and Carrick's for New Year. I pick up a blue velvet dress and admire it. I like it and it would be perfect for the evening with the family and our friends.

"Phoebe what do you think ... of this?" I look around and there's no sign of Phoebe. My stomach drops.

"Phoebe?" I ask my heart racing in my chest. "Phoebe Grace? Phoebe?" Panic engulfs me as I scan up and down the row hoping to see my little girl. "Phoebe?!" I yell.

"Mommy?" Phoebe's head pops out of one of the rails.

"Phoebe!" I hurry over to her relieved that she's safe but the relief quickly turns to anger. "What the hell did I tell you?!" I shout loudly unaware of the attention I'm drawing to us as I grip tightly to her biceps and shake her. "You silly girl. Mommy told you..." I raise my hand to her and she flinches, someone grabs my wrist as she bursts into tears.

"I'm sorry Mommy, I'm sorry I was just looking at a dress for you for Christmas. I'm sorry." She sobs. I look to who has hold of me and see an anxious-looking Luke.

"You don't want to do that Ana." He says quietly and it takes a second and I realise what I almost did. Guilt engulfs me.

"Oh Phoebe..." I grab her and pull her into me before my own tears fall. I sink to the floor with my baby in my arms and Luke and Johnathon surround us to give us a semblance of privacy.

"Oh sweetheart I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." I whisper through my own tears as she cries into my chest. I run my fingers through her hair trying to calm us both down. Oh my God what did I just do?

"Ana?" Kate asks. "Ava go wait with Aunt Mia." She says before coming down to the floor to join us.

"I looked and she was gone..." I say through my cries. "I was so scared..."

"Shh, it's ok. She's here, she's safe." Kate says gently.

"I almost hit her." I choke and Kate wraps her arms around us both as we calm down. "Come on. Let's get you both home." She suggests knowing we've drawn a lot of attention to ourselves and that we need to get from here to get privacy.

I don't let go of Phoebe. I'm in no fit state to carry her but I hold her close to me unable to let her go. Once in the safety of our car I pull her into my lap and break down once again. I can't believe I almost hit her. I've never hit any of my children, not even a spanking when they've been naughty, never.

"Mommy. I'm sorry." She says brushing my hair out of my face and I'm amazed at the strength of my little girl.

"I'm sorry Phoebe. I'm so sorry. I was just so scared. I thought I lost you like Amaya and I couldn't bear it. I'm so sorry. Mommy would never hurt you princess. Never." I feel sick with guilt at what nearly happened and I'm glad Luke stopped me when he did because I don't know if I'd have been able to stop myself. Hitting Christian and dealing with the fact I reacted like that was hard, the guilt ate at me for days and to think I almost slapped my child!

"Let's just go home Mommy." She says and I manage a nod through my tears. How is my baby taking this better than I am?

I get her buckled into her booster and she takes my hand and kisses it lightly. Just how I've done a million times to her before and I lean over and kiss her head.

I hold her hand the entire time to the house. I feel so guilty and it eats away at me the entire ride home. When we get back to the house I get Phoebe unbuckled and kiss her head again before she runs to the house leaving me with Luke and Johnathon who is unpacking the shopping from the trunk.

"Luke..." I say drawing his attention to me. "Thank you." I tell him and breaking all protocol as he's only done on very few times over the years he comes and gives me a hug.

"You wouldn't have coped with the guilt if I'd let you slap her." He whispers in my ear and I nod in agreement. "I'd never interfere with how you want to raise your kids but I know you Ana. You don't raise them babies to respond to anything with violence. Especially fear."

"If you hadn't been there..." I choke as he lets me go but keeps his hand on my shoulder so he can look me in the eyes as he speaks.

"But I was and she's fine. She understands Ana, she may only be seven but she knows why you reacted the way you do and look at how she skipped into the house singing. She's put it behind her and you should too." He says and I sigh and nod but it's just not going to be that easy.

Inside I find Christian in the playroom with the twins, I have always loved how big he looks in this room surrounded by all the toys and child furniture.

"An?" He asks and I give him a sad smile letting him know something isn't right. "Play by yourself a little while girls. Dinner will be ready soon." He says before following me out of the playroom closing the safety gate behind him. "What happened?" He asks as I sit on the edge of the bed and I can't help it the tears come. "Jesus Ana..." he kneels down in front of me and tips my chin up, concern echoes in his grey eyes.

"I nearly slapped Phoebe." I stutter and he looks momentarily surprised. "She disappeared, I called her name but she wasn't there...I panicked so much... she came around the corner and I shook her and I went to hit her... Luke grabbed me before I actually did but she flinched...I nearly hit her Christian..." I sob between each word and Christian just lets me say my piece before he wraps his arms around me tight. "I nearly hit her..."

"But you didn't." He says gently. "I'm sure Phoebe is fine and learned a lesson about wondering off when she's been explicitly told not to..."

"But what if Luke hadn't been there to stop me..." I say and Christian sighs. "Luke knew I wouldn't be able to bear it if I'd have actually hit her Christian. That's why he stopped me. He was thinking of me, how guilty I'd feel."

"Well maybe it's something to bring up with Tamara, she should be able to help you confront the emotions you were feeling when you raised your hand. The fear and the anxiety. I hate to sound like shrink Ana but you probably had a relatively normal reaction when you consider what you went through with Amaya. Where were you..."

"Neiman Marcus." I reply.

"The same store no less. Jesus Ana is it a surprise? You'd have been on high alert going in there anyway. Please stop beating yourself up. Please." He strokes his fingers through my hair as I try to calm down. He's right of course, I need to talk to Tamara about this and until then I need to put it to one side. I didn't actually hit her just raised my hand to her and so I can't think of the what-ifs. It does do one thing through and that is show that I still have some way to go.