Anastasia
It's been amazing having Sean home. He's everything we wanted and so much more. He's fit into our family like a glove and I can't imagine life without him.
Of course, still hanging over our head is the result of the court case against Hyde. It's been five days since Sean has been home and the jury still hasn't returned with a verdict. The deliberations have now taken twice as long as the trial itself and I've been told to prepare for a mistrial. I've also been told by Julia if that happens it's unlikely that the DAs office will file again and Jack Hyde will walk free.
I've spoken to Tamara every day to get my head around how I feel if he was to walk free about a mistrial. And honestly, I think I'd be ok with that. I know that I'll never get the truth anyway and so why difference does it make what happens. A not guilty verdict does not mean he was innocent just like a guilty verdict does not mean he was guilty. Either way, the truth will only ever be known to Jack Hyde and I will have to live with only my own thoughts and feelings.
The truth of the matter is I don't think I'll ever feel either way, whether he was guilty or innocent, I mean so much happened that tells me he is innocent but so much happened that makes me think he's guilty too. And thanks to Tamara and Jamie, I'm ok with that too.
Grace is here again today keeping me company. She's been selected to take my mind off the awaiting verdict and to be my babysitter. She's loving it though because between feeds she gets plenty of one on one time with Sean.
Carrick didn't stop thanking me when we finally spoke after Sean's birth. He didn't think we'd ever have named the baby after him and John might just be a little bit smitten with the fact his first name is Sean though Christian teases him that it has absolutely nothing to do with him. When truth is when I realised it was the Irish equivalent of John I knew it was perfect.
I'm surprised by a knock at the door as security didn't warn me anyone was here but when I open it I beam seeing both Tamara and Jamie and a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Come in." I beam. It's always nice having them over.
"How are you doing? Oh my goodness you don't look like you had a baby less than a week ago!" Jamie says as the flowers are placed on my hall table.
"Thank you. Come through we were about to have coffee. Thank you for the flowers they're beautiful." I say taking just a second to admire them before leading them through to the conservatory where Patricia has set up an afternoon tea for Grace and I. I know it won't be hard for her to add a couple extra as she spots us coming through.
Sean is currently asleep in his Moses basket and Jamie and Tamara are straight over to look at him making me laugh. People become so amusing when there's a newborn around.
"Oh he's so precious!" Jamie beams. "Daddy's hair too?"
"Yeah once we washed it we realised it was a lot lighter than we first thought. An Irish name and red hair the kid hasn't got a hope." I say making everyone laugh.
"He's beautiful Ana." Tamara says sitting down next to Grace.
"Thank you. Now if he'd only sleep a bit longer than three hours I'd be very satisfied." I say making them chuckle.
"Before you turn around he'll be four times the size he is and sleeping through the night and you'll be wondering where your newborn's gone." Jamie says making me nod in agreement.
"I think I'm treasuring this one a little more knowing there won't be any more." I admit. "I hold him a little longer."
"That's so precious. They grow so fast." Tamara says making me nod. "Anyhow how are you doing?"
"Are you here to shrink me?" I tease making everyone laugh.
"Not at all but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about you with everything." Tamara says. "But I'll keep the therapy to the therapy room." She says making me laugh.
"I'm fine." I reply. "I've got enough here to keep me distracted." I say giving Grace's hand a squeeze when Trish brings a couple more cups and a tray of pastries.
"So how have you ladies been it feels like forever since we've seen you." Grace says taking the spotlight off me for a moment while I pour out the tea.
"Oh, it's been good. It's good to be back at work properly, I didn't realise how much I'd missed it till I got back in the swing of it." Jamie says making me smile. I know that's not aimed at me in any way and I'm glad she's back doing what she loves.
"I've got a good practice going up here now it's great." Tamara adds. "Oh these look great." She says happy to help herself to a pastry. Trish does the most amazing pastries and these women practically lived here and know better than to wait. They can help themselves.
Sean stirs just as I sit down and I look at the clock. It's feed time.
"Ok kid." I say going over to the Moses basket. "You don't slow down I'm going to start feeling like a cow I tell him picking him up as he cries that squeaky newborn cry that is cute the first couple of times it happens them becomes annoying. "No one minds right?" I awkwardly signal my breast because I can't be bothered going to get a coverup. I like to use one in public, that's my choice, but in my home in good company, I only will if it would make others more comfortable.
"Don't be silly Ana." Tamara scoffs.
"Ana I have babies who have had babies seeing a woman breastfeed is nothing." Jamie says as I take my seat and quickly adjust my maternity top and bra so that Sean can latch on. "You know it's actually sad that in today's society women like you feel the need to ask if others are comfortable with the fact you want to breastfeed. It is so normal and healthy and I think the way we view breasts her in the US..." she scoffs.
"Ana and I have had this conversation with every single one of the babies. When we go out she likes to go somewhere private which in many circumstances is fine but we've been caught out a few times. She hates having to breastfeed in public because people stare! The audacity of it. It should be something so common that it doesn't surprise anyone when a Mom whips it out..."
"Ok Grace different topic of conversation please." I say becoming uncomfortable with it.
"I'm sorry sweetheart." She says giving my knee a squeeze as I grab a pastry. Baby number five means I'm well used to multitasking while breastfeeding and I'm so hungry.
"No I get it, it's a hot topic but I like to keep my baby feeding to private spaces where I can because I'm more comfortable with it ok. It's nothing to do with other people." I tell her and she nods before talking about the pastry allowing me a moment with my son. Sadly it's interrupted by my cell ringing.
"Could you pass me that please Grace?" I signal the sideboard where I left my phone earlier. Grace quickly hands it to me but not before checking the caller ID.
"Hey baby." I say knowing it's my husband from the ringtone.
"Hey baby. Uh the Jury are done deliberating. Court will be in session in an hour." He says and I breathe deeply.
"I'll be there." I tell him.
"You don't need to be. You don't have to. They may not even sentence today you know if you're thinking of speaking at sentencing..."
"Christian he's probably going to be found not guilty and I'd just like to speak to the press and thank them for their support. I just need to be there." I explain as the eyes of the women around me stare at me.
"Ok baby. I'll send Luke to pick you up." He says.
"Ok." I end the call and look at Sean in my arms. I don't want to take him with me.
"Grace when he's finished I'm going to need to get dressed. We should be back before the next feed but if not I have pumped so I'll ask Trish to have it ready."
"No problem." She says just as Sean unlatches.
"I'll wind him. Go change." She says signalling my leggings. Yeah changing would be a good idea.
"Thanks Grace. Sorry to cut this short ladies though you're welcome to stay and keep Grace company and eat as many pastries as you can." I say before hurrying off before they can even answer me.
I had put an outfit to one side in the closet which I quickly change into. It's just black maternity pants and a nice tidy maternity blouse. I make sure to pop some pads into my bra in case I leak which would be embarrassing and as I slip into a pair of court heels Luke knocks my bedroom door.
"Ready?" He asks and I pull the ponytail from my hair and give it a shake with my fingers.
"As ready as I'll ever be." I say making him smile half-heartedly.
In the car, I scribble a quick statement about a not guilty verdict. There's no way it's a guilty one and I accept that. I accepted days ago if they came back it would be a not guilty verdict because they've just been out far too long for them to agree a unanimous guilty verdict.
Christian and Carrick along with Taylor, Melissa and Julia are waiting for me at the side door. Luke drops me off and Christian greets me with a kiss on the cheek before I face the others.
"How are you feeling?" Melissa asks.
"I'm fine. How long do we have?"
"Five minutes. We should get in." Julia says and I nod. "If it's a guilty verdict the judge may jump straight to sentencing because there is only one sentence he can impose which is life in prison." Julia says as we walk. I hold Christian's hand. "Do you want the opportunity to speak? Or would you like me to repeat a message on your behalf?"
"Just thank the jury I guess and the Judge." I reply and she gives me a nod. "But it's not going to happen is it?" I say for the sake of it.
"I don't know Ana. When a case takes this long it usually isn't good for the DA's office I admit but it's not over till the verdict is read ok and until then we have hope." She says as we arrive at the door and a court usher opens it for us.
We enter together and everyone turns to look at us. There's quite a few people here and I know a lot of that is press.
Christian gently squeezes my hand as we walk down to the reserved bench behind the prosecution's table and Julia goes to the table through the gate letting us take a seat.
"Ana, when the judge comes in, he will speak for a little and ask the people in the gallery to remain calm and orderly as the verdict is read. There will be some official things that have to be done in order to record the verdict and the judges get antsy if there's a delay in that. He doesn't mean you can't react. If you want to hug Christian if you feel the need to cry but try to be as quiet as you can." Carrick explains from the other side of Christian and I nod before Christian kisses my head again. Melissa is sat the other side of me and has already taken my hand in her own.
"How are you feeling?" She asks when she catches me looking at our conjoined hands.
"I don't know." I admit. "I still haven't decided if I believe he did this. So I don't know how I'll feel either way." I explain and she gives me a sad smile and my hand another squeeze. That's the crazy thing here. If it was Morton on trial I would know he needed to be found guilty and I would be absolutely sure I'd want him in prison for the rest of his natural life. However, with Jack, I just don't know. I believe he knew I'd be raped but I don't know if he wanted me raped and there is a difference. Maybe he did have good intentions and he knew it was the only way I'd get my daughter back in one piece.
"All rise!"
As I stand my heart begins to race and I feel my knees rattling. I gulp as the judge comes in and takes a seat and just as Carrick said he begins a spiel about remaining calm when the verdict is read and everything. Then he calls for the jury to be brought in and I cling tight to Christian and Melissa while keeping my face completely stoic as the men and women of the jury file in one by one. Other than the sound of them shuffling in not a single other sound can be heard.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury. I'd like to start by thanking you for doing your duty and for practising due diligence." The judge says. "Madam foreperson you have reached a unanimous verdict?" He asks and an older lady stands in response.
"We have your honour." She says before a court officer steps towards her to receive a piece of paper.
My mouth goes completely dry as I watch the paper being carried across the room to the judge. He opens it but his face gives away nothing. I gulp as the paper is taken back to the jury foreperson.
I'm more nervous than I ever could have anticipated.
"Will the defendant please rise?" The judge asks and Jack and his lawyer stand together. "Madam foreperson on count one attempted murderer how do you find?" The judge asks.
"We find the defendant Jack Hyde Not guilty your honour." The foreperson replies and the tears come and I bury my head into Christian's shoulder. It's been an emotional rollercoaster and all I can think about is that this is it. It's over.
"And on count two conspiracy to commit rape how do you find?"
"We find the defendant Jack Hyde Guilty."
"No!" Jack yells collapsing onto his seat as I look up from Christian's shoulder to find myself meeting the eye of the foreperson who gives me the tiniest of nods.
"They split the baby." Carrick says from beside me but I have no idea what that means.
"Order order!" The judge calms banging his gavel as Jack Hyde sobs hysterically. The tears run uncontrollably down my cheeks as the room is bought to silence one more. "If there are no objections I'd like to proceed immediately to sentencing." The judge says looking from the prosecution to the defence. As Julia said with only one possible sentence it makes sense not to drag it out.
"Would the victim like to be heard?" The judge glances from Julia to me.
"Your honour Mrs Grey would just like to thank the jury for their careful deliberations and for their painstaking work in listening to the trial and reaching a unanimous verdict. She'd also like to thank yourself and all those who work in the court keeping our justice system flowing." Julia says for me to which I nod so the judge know those are my sentiments.
"Thank you Mrs Grey for your bravery in coming forward." He says meeting my eye again. "Mr Hyde please stand." He says turning his attention to Jack. "You have been convicted of a class A felony. Therefore I sentence you to life imprisonment. You will live out the rest of your natural days in Washington State Penitentiary." He says before slamming the gavel down. He rises and we all rise to and the judge leaves.
Julia turns to me and I lean over the bench to hug her.
"Thank you." I tell her and she pulls back and smiles. She shakes hands with Christian and Carrick as I turn to Melissa. "I didn't see that coming."
"To be honest I didn't either." Melissa says. "Jury's never come back with a guilty verdict when they've deliberated that long. It's usually a sign that there's a stubborn son of a bitch in the lineup." She says chuckling.
I turn to Christian and hug and kiss him. This is over and I couldn't be more relieved.
We make our way out with Julia and she addresses the press that has gathered first. I stand with my shoulders back, my head held high as she speaks about my bravery and justice. Then it's my turn and I step forward remembering I don't have anything prepared for a guilty verdict.
"I'll uh, keep it short and sweet." I say as Christian holds around me. "Thank you to Julia and the DA's office for all they did in sealing this conviction. I'm extremely grateful. I'd also like to thank my family who have been incredible throughout this ordeal and of course the press and public. Thank you ever so much. It's time now however for my life and that of my family's to go on. Thank you."
As we walk to the car I can't help but think about what Carrick said in the court and as we reach the car and Taylor opens the door for me I stop and turn to him.
"Carrick what did you mean by they split the baby?" I ask and he looks nervously at Christian before turning to me.
"Split the baby is the term we use when there are multiple charges and the jury are not quite sure of guilt. They feel he's guilty of something and deserves a prison sentence but possibly couldn't agree on what he was guilty of. So they chose one of the two options presented before them. It's likely they chose to go guilty on the rape and not the attempted murder because they knew it would be a positive result for you while a guilty on the attempted murder of your rapist wouldn't bring you any peace of mind." Carrick explains.
"Carrick they've just sentenced him to life in prison." I state and Carrick nods. "And they don't even know if he's guilty. Why didn't they acquit?" I ask shakily.
"Because they believed he was guilty of something." Carrick replies.
"Something shouldn't lead to life in prison." I stare as Christian wraps an arm around me. "Jesus Carrick what have we done?"
"We put it in the hands of twelve people who were his equals who made the decision Ana. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You did nothing wrong." He says putting his hand on my shoulder. "Please Ana. This is a trial by jury. Putting it in the hands of others to decide. They decided." I nod because words fail me. I feel sick.
"Come on baby lets go home." Christian says gently. I lean forward and kiss Carrick's cheek in thanks before climbing into the back of the car so I can cry in privacy.