A/N - I'll go ahead and say that you guys will NOT like this chapter. But I promise things will get better soon!
NicoleRen - Sorry for the late update! I do have a life outside of writing fanfic, unfortunately.
Lisottina81 - I'm so glad you're enjoying the story!
Royan Granger-Nott - I'm happy to hear that you're hooked!
meglooms - I'm sorry to have caused you pain! Here's the requested update!
RangerFox - I'm flattered that you feel so strongly about my story!
Rey didn't have to look up to know that Finn had arrived. He'd been joining her here, at the same time, every day for the last month. Even if she hadn't been expecting him, she would have detected his presence.
He settled onto the ground beside her, remaining silent as he picked up a rock and leisurely skipped it leisurely across the lake.
Rey swung her feet back and forth, her toes skimming across the water. The cool water felt wonderful against her overheated skin. Using the back of her arm, she wiped away the sweat already beading along her forehead.
They sat for awhile together, neither saying a word.
Rey had started retreating to this spot soon after her escape from the First Order and her subsequent return to the Resistance. Finn had found her two days later. They rarely spoke, but they didn't have to. They had both been inside that place, both had been owned and used, and both had been forever marred by the First Order.
Though, Finn's experience had been far worse than hers.
She had been owned, but the extent of her use was her own fault. She'd willingly given Ben her body, mistakenly thinking that she was falling in love with the deceptive bastard, but that had been before she'd learned that he was intending to betray her to Snoke.
Though she hated him now, she couldn't deny the sharp stab of sorrow that pierced her at the thought of his betrayal. It brought tears to her eyes every time it crossed her mind, which was far more often than she cared to admit.
But, no matter how badly she'd been hurt, no matter how much she'd been betrayed, her experience hadn't been anywhere near as awful as Finn's. Though they didn't talk about it, she knew what happened to First Order prisoners who became slaves. They were used, abused, and discarded when their owners grew tired of them.
Even though Finn always wore long sleeves, every once in awhile his shirt would ride up and she would catch a glimpse of the marks and burns that scarred his skin. She'd seen the haunted look that filled his eyes when he didn't think anyone was looking.
She'd suffered abuse while in the palace, but it had been at the hands of General Hux, not Ben. He had broken her heart, but he had never intentionally inflicted bodily harm on her that she hadn't asked for. In fact, he'd been unfailingly tender with her.
Though she hated to acknowledge it, she had freely given him her body, and with it her last piece of self respect. It was a fact that she hated herself for, and tried not to think about. Especially since the thought still left her oddly shaken and aching with a need that would never again be fulfilled.
No matter how much she hated him, she couldn't deny that he would always own a piece of her heart. But it could only be a small piece as he had succeeded in shattering the rest of it.
After about an hour, Finn finally spoke.
"You had another bad dream last night."
Rey sat silently. She didn't know how to tell him she didn't have nightmares like he did. She didn't relive violent beatings and torture. Her dreams were about the last night she'd had with Ben, the awe she'd felt, the joy and love that had suffused her.
It was the loss of that joy, the loss of him that caused her to cry in the night. For her the night was not about reliving torment, like it was with Finn.
It was about reliving heartache.
She had never deluded herself into thinking that anything between her and Ben could last. She would have had to die eventually, Snoke would have seen to that.
She had deluded herself into thinking that he might actually care for her. But that was before she'd learned that he had already betrayed her to Snoke. The thought still left her feeling furious.
"I don't think my nightmares are as bad as yours," she said quietly.
Finn reached out, squeezing her hand soothingly. They had never spoken about their experiences, though it was obvious that they'd both been changed forever.
But Rey had gained weight while in captivity, and FInn had grown thinner. He had far more bruises and scars than she did; hers were mainly on the inside. His experience had been far more physically taxing but just as mentally abusive as hers had been.
"That's a good thing," he murmured.
She tilted her head, offering him a small half smile. It was her fault that Finn had even been in that awful situation. He had allowed himself to be captured after she was taken, with the hope that he would be able to get them both free.
Unfortunately, he hadn't anticipated just how much of a lockdown First Order slaves were placed in. Though, she'd been afforded far more freedom than he had.
She glanced down at her wrists, still scarred from the handcuffs she had tried to rip herself out of. All she'd gotten for her efforts were scars, and a pissed off man who had been so unbelievably tender afterwards.
She forcefully shut the thought down. Recalling Ben as tender and loving only reopened the raw and jagged lesions still festering upon her heart.
"You should have never been there, Finn. I'm sorry."
It was the first time she had apologized to him for her role in his capture; she hadn't been able to get the words out before.
He was silent for a moment, his gaze distant as he stared across the lake. He turned toward her, his eyes haunted, but there was something else in them too, something more.
There had only been one other man that had ever looked at her like that, and in the end he had left her shattered and broken. She was barely able to breathe through the grief that continuously clawed at her insides.
Ben had ruined her, and Finn didn't fully understand that yet. She hoped that one day he would. The last thing she wanted was to have Finn saddened because of her again, but with the way he was looking at her she felt it was inevitable.
"I made the choice to go after you, Rey. It was my fault that I was caught, not yours. Even knowing what I do now, I wouldn't change anything. I would never leave you alone, Rey, never."
She searched his face as she stared back at him. He was handsome, she'd admit, but it was not the dark, dangerous ruggedness that Ben possessed. Whatever feelings she could muster for Finn would be nothing compared to what she felt for Ben.
And now Ben was gone, lost to her forever. Finn was looking at her with the same amount of longing she'd seen in his eyes. She swallowed the lump in her throat, fighting against tears that threatened to fall.
Unlike Ben, Finn would never leave her alone, he would never betray her. Finn would love her and never seek to destroy her. He would do everything in his power to keep her safe, to build her up again, and would sacrifice himself over and over for her.
Even knowing all of these things, why did she still love the bastard? Why couldn't she love someone as caring and sweet as Finn?
Rey shook her head, trying to deny his words.
"Finn…"
"It's okay, Rey. One day you'll forget him and you'll move on."
"You know about him?" She whispered as unexpected shame flooded her body.
She felt like a traitor and a fool. Finn, Poe, and Leia had all risked their lives for her, and she…
Well, she had given her heart to someone in the First Order, a Dark side Force wielder, and Snoke's apprentice. They had been willing to die for her while she had been falling in love with one of their greatest enemies.
She thought of Ben as a monster, and because she loved him she had also come to accept the fact that she must be one too.
"I suspected," he murmured. "You can't blame yourself, Rey, it was an awful time. Things were warped and wrong in there. It's not your fault that you trusted him. Of course you did, it was frightening and you became confused. He had a month to manipulate you, to make you think that you could believe in him, that you could love him."
"I'm sorry, Finn," she whispered. "But that's not what happened. He didn't manipulate me, and he didn't corrupt me. He was kind to me, he took care of me. I would like to say that I hadn't come to care for him, that I had remained loyal to you and everyone here, but I can't. I loved him, Finn… I still love him."
He stared at her for a moment, his eyes wide in disbelief, and then shook his head rapidly.
"But don't you see, Rey, that is how he twisted you. He knew that by being kind that you would come to rely on him, trust him, and perhaps even convince yourself you cared for him. That way it would be more fun when he destroyed you."
Rey's fingernails clawed into the edge of the riverbank as she grasped it. She tried to believe Finn's words. Maybe, just maybe, she could move on if she believed them, but she couldn't. There had been a strange connection between them from the very beginning.
And though Ben had lied to her before, she knew that he hadn't been lying when he spoke about the balance they brought to each other and to the Force. That was the reason he had claimed her, after all. She brought out the Light in him, and he brought out the Dark in her. Together, they were balanced.
But Finn didn't know about that, and as far as she was concerned no one ever would, not even Leia. That was one secret that would stay completely between the two of them. It was the one secret that she clung to, the one idea that made her believe it hadn't all been a lie.
It was the only thing that helped to ease her self-disgust just a little.
"I don't think so, Finn."
"I do," He replied with more confidence than she had. "And one day you'll realize it too. You just need time for his mind games to wear off, and when they do, I'll be here."
Rey shook her head.
"No, Finn…"
Her words broke off as he clasped hold of her chin, turning her so that she had to face him. He wiped the tears from her face. Tears she hadn't even known she was crying.
"Yes, Rey."
Before she could react, he was leaning forward and kissing her. Rey started in surprise; she didn't know what to do or how to respond, but before she could do anything he was already pulling away from her.
She could only sit and stare at him as he smiled back at her.
"Just thought it was time for our first kiss."
Rey couldn't have disagreed more, but she didn't say so. She was being selfish by not telling him that, but she had already lost so much in the past couple of months that she couldn't bear to lose Finn's friendship as well.
"We should be going," she managed to choke out.
Nodding, he quickly climbed to his feet wiping the dirt and mud off his pants as he went.
Rey paused for a moment, still disoriented from the unexpected action, taking a minute to gaze across the water.
And if she thought she spotted Ben Solo on the other side of the lake, seething with anger, she was almost sure that was just her imagination.
A/N - I know, I know, you're mad at me. But stick around, because things are going to get much better!
As always, please leave a review with your thoughts, suggestions, and predictions, and I'll see you in the next chapter!
~ Elizabeth (FanOfDeliciousFlavour)