A/N - Hope you enjoy this chapter!
Rey watched silently as Ben threw another log on the fire. She folded her hands before her, clasping them between her legs. Her eyes felt heavy and raw from crying, her chest still sore from the force of the sobs that had wracked her.
Despite the heat of the day, she was cold, freezing really. Numb with the shock and horror still clinging to her.
Rey glanced around the small cave he had brought her to. She didn't know why he was here, how he had found this place, but it was the perfect size for them to take shelter in.
He crouched on the floor as he studied her for a moment before rising to make his way over to her.
"You have to dry off. You're shivering." She didn't tell him that she wasn't shivering because she was still wet and chilled from the rain. They both knew that wasn't the reason. "Rey?"
She managed a small nod before rising to her feet and moving toward the crackling fire. She settled before it, holding out her numbed hands to the flames, while he settled beside her. She pulled her hair before her, trying to dry it out and untangle it as she worked through the thick, wet mess.
She didn't know what to say to him, what to do. She didn't know what he wanted from her. Rey began to shake again, trying not to start crying as she recalled the wonderful intensity of his kiss.
For one brief moment she had felt whole and alive once more. FOr one fantastic moment all of the grief of the past few months had vanished beneath his touch, it had all melted beneath the fervor of his mouth against hers.
She had been trying to forget how amazing he could make her feel, but she had remembered in an instant. And she was fairly certain that she would never be able to forget again.
"When did Dameron tell you about Snoke?"
Her fingers slipped from her hair as the numbness returned in full force. She had forgotten about that little detail, that huge, awful betrayal. For a moment she couldn't breathe through the pain that constricted her chest.
She turned sharply away from him, unable to look at him anymore. It hurt too much.
"The morning he came to get me."
"Why did he tell you?"
Rey spun angrily back on him, her hands fisted as she fought the urge to punch him.
"What difference does it make?" She spat.
Ben stared silently back at her.
"I want to know. That's the difference."
"And I want peace, but we don't always get what we want."
Ben leaned forward as he glared at her.
"I had forgotten how obstinate you are."
She glowered back at him, struggling against the tears that threatened to flow.
"Then perhaps you should let me go."
His mouth curved into a wry smile as he shook his head.
"That's not going to happen, Rey. Answer my question."
She shook her head, baffled as to why she was here. Did her just like to torture her by making her rehash the agony she had lived with ever since she had learned of his betrayal?
Rey stared at the fire, watching as it crackled and shot out sparks. She didn't want to tell him why Poe had told her, she didn't want him to know just how much she had cared about him. He had enough power and control over her without her giving him even more.
But she didn't care for him like that anymore, she reminded herself. She had been dumb and innocent back then. She would never be either of those things again, not when it came to him.
It didn't matter if he knew why Poe had told her, because he had no hold over her anymore.
"Because I didn't want to leave," She finally admitted. Surprise filled his eyes as astonishment rippled through him. "I was foolish enough to think that I would like to stay with you, no matter what the consequences of that action might have been. Poe simply informed me of what an idiot I was."
"Rey…"
She launched to her feet, unable to sit still anymore, unable to listen to him. There was a clawing sensation growing inside of her, a desperate urge to be free, a desperate need to escape this whole awful situation.
She stepped away from the fire and stopped before the cave entrance. The sun was out now, and her friends would be worried about her. They would be looking for her. She had to get back to them, had to get away from him.
"You planned to stay with me?"
"It doesn't matter," She whispered. "It's the past, can't be changed. It's over."
She didn't hear him move, but suddenly his hands were on her shoulders. He held her briefly for a moment before turning her away from the entrance. When she refused to look at him he gently took hold of her chin and lifted it so that she had to meet his gaze.
"Why were you going to stay?" He asked, his hands smoothly clasping her face.
Rey tried to pull away from him, but he held her firmly. Ben moved closer to her, his chest brushing against hers, the force of his presence overwhelming. She could barely breathe through the combination of excitement and trepidation pounding through her.
She couldn't let herself get carried away here, couldn't allow herself to hope that this might end differently than it had before. Things could never change between them. They were from completely different worlds.
"What difference does it make?"
He moved even closer, his lips just centimeters from hers.
"Because I need to know why you were going to stay, Rey."
"It makes no difference, Kylo Ren."
"It's Ben."
"What?"
"I told you once to call me by my name. You chose to call me Ben. I will always be Ben to you."
Rey sighed as she lowered her eyes. Yes, he had told her that before, but ever since she'd fled the palace she had started to refer to him as Kylo Ren again. It helped her to distance herself from him, something that she desperately had to do in order to survive the heartbreak that had nearly destroyed her.
"Rey, tell me why you were going to stay."
"No!" Her voice was sharper than she had expected. She was ashamed to admit that even she could hear the torment in it. "Why can't you just let this be? Just leave me be! Why did you come here? How did you even find me? I was just beginning to move on and you had to show up and destroy it all again! Destroy me again."
She tried to put on a brave front, tried to straighten her shoulders and raise her chin, but she could feel her lips trembling. It didn't help that sadness filled his features, that a look of loss shimmered in his eyes.
Rey almost screamed in frustration. It was all so unfair. She had been trying to move on as she'd attempted to regain some semblance of the life she'd had before he had entered it. But he had shown up again and sharply reminded her of the fact that the only life she truly wanted, but could never have, was a life with him.
"Rey…"
She tore her gaze away from him.
"Please, Ben."
She was hoping the use of his name would earn her some reprieve. It didn't.
He kissed her forehead, her nose. Rey shuddered, trying hard not to melt against him, fighting not to give in to her desires.
But as his lips brushed over hers, she felt herself leaning into him. Felt herself seeking the soothing caress of his mouth and hands. She hated herself for her weakness, but there was something about him, something that she couldn't resist.
His fingers entangled in her hair, he pulled her closer to him and his tongue stroked over her lips. Rey was shaking, trembling, unable to put up any fight against his potent kisses and demanding hands.
She was flooded with memories of that night. She had been so enthralled, so unbelievably lost to him and the joy that suffused her. She had never wanted the moment to end, but that was before everything, before she had seen the raid on the caves, before she learned he had betrayed her to Snoke.
Rey pulled away from him. There would be no repeat of that night now. She couldn't allow herself to be lost like that again, no matter how badly she craved him.
"I loved you," She whispered.
"What?" He asked in surprise.
"I was going to stay with you because I loved you. I told Poe to leave me there, because I didn't care what would happen as long as I was with you. I loved you so much that I was convinced that I could help you come back to the Light."
"Rey…"
"And then Poe told me the truth," She continued as if he had never spoken, because if she didn't get this all out now, she never would. "And then my love didn't matter anymore, nothing mattered. I didn't even matter. I was so hurt, so mad, so lost and confused and scared. I would have never allowed it to get that far if I'd known the truth. If I had known you were going to betray me. I would have never allowed that night to happen, never. You almost destroyed me with your lies and deceit. I will never allow that to happen again!"
He stood immobile for a moment, and then he took hold of her chin, holding it loosely between his thumb and index finger. She glared at him, feeling sullen and disagreeable as she folded her arms over her chest.
It was childish, she knew, but she couldn't bring herself to be completely mature at this point. The past two months had been nothing but confusing, frightening, and so unbelievably grueling that she felt she deserved some childish behavior right now.
And now he had reappeared and thrown a giant wrench into all of the hard work it had taken to try to piece herself together again.
"I didn't know, Rey."
"I don't care!" She retorted.
He rubbed his thumb lightly over her bottom lip.
"I knew you loved me that night, you told me so, but what I didn't fully understand was how I had come to feel about you."
She struggled to fight against the hope and yearning twisting through her. No matter what he said, this could never be. He would go back to the First Order, and she would go back to the Resistance.
"Don't," she whispered.
"If I had known what was going to happen, Rey, I would have told you myself. I would have left you alone, I would have done anything other than what I did that night. I never meant to hurt you, I swear that. What I feel for you, it's not something I ever expected. I never thought that it could happen to me," He admitted. "If I had been stronger I would have resisted you until you knew the truth, but that night was a complete surprise to me also."
She stared wordlessly up at him, her mouth parted in distress.
"Ben…"
"I told Snoke about you because in the event that the First Order could not track you down, he was going to come to the planet to search for you himself. He would have confronted you, tried to turn you, and would have killed you. So I told him I had found you and obtained permission to train you as an apprentice, in order to stall him."
Rey was silent as she pondered his words.
"That doesn't change anything, Ben." She whispered. "You would have to bring me to him eventually, and I would still be killed. Even now, you'll go back with or without me, and I will… well, I'll go back to the Resistance. I'll end up being recaptured, killed, or perhaps one day the Resistance will win and I'll live in peace, perhaps I'll end up married to Finn, or some other rebel, though it's unlikely."
His eyebrows drew together sharply as he moved closer to her, pushing her against the cave wall. Rey stared at him in surprise, taken aback by his blistering anger.
"To FN-2187?" He snarled.
Rey frowned, trying not to be intimidated by him, but she was completely baffled by his sudden change.
"Yes, I guess, maybe… oh, I don't know," she breathed. "He's a good man, he's safe, and he cares for me. Perhaps he even loves me. That should be enough, shouldn't it?"
He was staring at her as if she had just sprouted another head.
"You will not be with FN-2187."
She blinked in surprise at the growled command, before her pride rose back up.
"His name is Finn, and you can't tell me what I can and cannot do!" She snapped.
His hands were on either side of her, pressed against the cave wall as he leaned ever closer.
"You're wrong," He told her angrily. "I am a part of you, and as that part I am telling you that you will not be with… Finn."
She frowned at him, confused by his response.
"Part of me? I don't understand."
"The Force connects us, Rey. It's how I found you. It is how I will always be able to find you."
Her mouth dropped open and her mind spun. She recalled all of the times when she had thought she had sensed his presence, or caught a glimpse of him through the trees. Or when she thought she had seen him across the lake after Finn had kissed her.
"I don't…" She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts. "No, it was just my imagination. Wasn't it?"
The tension melted from his body, and his hands were gentle as he stroked her face.
"No, Rey. I was there, every time. I just kept myself hidden. We've been linked since the beginning, but that night solidified the connection."
Tears burned in her eyes and she looked away from him, staring at the wall over his shoulder. He had told her he loved her that night; it had all been foggy, hazy, but now she knew that it hadn't been a dream.
He had told her he loved her, and she had left him the next day.
"You said you loved me," she whispered.
He pulled her closer, enfolding her in his arms as his body melted into hers.
"Yes."
She wanted to cry again, for everything they'd almost had, for everything that they had lost. For everything that they would lose, and could never have.
But it was impossible to feel sad when he was holding her. It was impossible to hurt when he was kissing her forehead soothingly, touching her with such reverence and awe.
Rey let herself drift into him, let herself get lost in him. These past months had been awful, but his touch eased all of the sorrow that had been clinging to her. His touch made everything better; it was the salve to the ragged lesion that had been festering since their separation.
For just this moment, in this time, she needed to feel better.
She needed to feel him.
A/N - I hope you liked this chapter!
As always, please leave a review with your thoughts, suggestions, and predictions, and I'll see you in the next chapter!
~ Elizabeth (FanOfDeliciousFlavour)