Annalise
"Welcome, ladies and gentleman, distinguished guests, and friends and family to Playhouse Square's State Theatre this evening as we honor the life of Mrs. Rachel Hudson-Berry."
I can see now why my mom always insisted on performing inside of the State Theatre whenever she did one of her Broadway tours. It's absolutely breathtaking.
The outside atmosphere surrounding the Theatre District this evening was a bit chaotic. There was an abundance of photographers from every corner taking dozens of pictures of the guests as they arrived. Police officers from the city of Cleveland were directing Uber, Lyft, and limousine drivers to drop people off at the designated location as the streets were becoming increasingly congested. Valet attendants were taking turns parking expensive cars in one of the many off-site parking lots around the corner. There was so much commotion happening, it was hard to keep track of everything all at once. The 20 foot chandelier in the middle of the Theatre District greets us warmly; the millions of crystals reflecting off of the diminishing sun. I didn't expect there to be this many people here. I knew that my parents — my mom, especially — had a lot of friends but aside from that, we really didn't have much extended family. I link up with my grandmother, Shelby, and my aunt Beth as soon as I see them get out of their Cadillac Escalade and hand the keys to one of the valet attendants. Out of everyone that came into town for my mom's services, I didn't spend nearly as much time with them as I should have. Being around them, especially my grandmother, reminds me of my mom. Her smile is warm as she embraces me, complimenting me on my outfit and drastic haircut. I had gone short — shoulder length — and dyed it brunette with heavy blonde highlights throughout. I can't remember a time where my hair has ever been this short, but I welcomed the fresh change. It felt good — almost as if I was cutting off the past few years of my life in a sense. Kurt said that it accentuated my eyes and made me look more mature. My dad had had a field day with that one — not to mention his reaction when I came down the stairs in my evening gown, much like a girl would do on prom night. Kurt is so great at what he does: outfit selections, makeovers, the whole 9. I was stunned when I put on the dress that he had chosen for me; it fit like a glove. I was a bit hesitant after looking at it on the hanger, mostly because I never thought in a million years I would be able to pull something like it off. The gown was a deep shade of black — I was told by Maurice that the shade of fabric used was called coal and not black — and fell off of my shoulders to form a heart-shaped neckline. The dress fell to the floor and had a small slit in the front, exposing my right leg. It hugged my hourglass figure perfectly and Kurt had insisted that I paired it with a pair of Louis Vuitton heels... you know, the ones with the red on the underside. Maurice had opted for a natural look when it came to my makeup: concealer, a bit of bronzer, blush, mascara, and my mom's favorite shade of burgundy lipstick. The gold star pendant that she gifted me from Tiffany's on my 16th birthday hangs around my neck: a simple reminder that no matter how alone I felt this evening, she was going to be right there with me.
My father and uncles find me amongst the crowd — they've linked up with a few people that they went to high school with, whose names are escaping me right now — as we all begin to pile into the building. The State Theatre has a very mid-century feel to it. The carpet on the floor is modern and done in a paisley printed pattern. The walls are painted in a soft shade of maroon, with wood trimming accenting the walls throughout. As we begin to make our way up the wide, marble staircase, we are escorted to our seats immediately. One of the ushers notices who we are and smiles at us sweetly, as she leads us down to the front row. Once seated, I take a deep breath and allow myself a few moments to soak everything in. The stage in here is much bigger than any I have ever dreamed of performing on. The maroon colored curtains and chairs match the walls surrounding the room: it looks like something plucked from a painting. A small, wooden podium is nestled on stage-right and an easel holding the infamous headshot of my mom used in every publication about her passing is framed on stage-left. There are white roses placed throughout, glowing brightly off of the house lights and standing out from all that have come dressed in black and gold.
"It's beautiful," Kurt smiles, as he sits in the middle of Blaine and my father. Blaine takes Kurt's hand and kisses it gently, as Kurt wraps his right arm around his torso comfortingly. My grandparents aren't seated too far from us and Beth keeps complaining about how uncomfortable her dress is. I can't help but laugh to myself; she looks stunning.
"Hey, guys," I hear someone say behind us in a whisper-like tone. My father is the first to turn around, and I look on as I see his face light up immediately.
"Mr. Schuester," my dad says, as he reaches over the back of my chair to shake his hand. "I'm so happy that you're here. It's so good to see you."
"It's good to see you too, Finn," he says, as he takes a seat and smooths out his gold colored tie.
"You remember my daughter Annalise, right?"
"Of course I do," Mr. Schue smiles. "How could I forget? She looks just like you."
"That she does," my father laughs. "Are Emma and Danny with you?"
"Uh, yeah," Mr. Schue replies, clearing his throat. "They're around here somewhere. Danny just landed — we would have been here sooner, but his flight was delayed. We just picked him up from the airport."
"I hear he's doing big things in New York," my dad says. I want so badly to change the subject to something other than this, but I didn't want them to think something was up.
"Yeah," he smiles. "He's doing really well up there. Anna, you're starting at NYU in a few weeks too, right? You'll be majoring in musical theatre as well?"
I nod my head. "Yes, sir. I will be. I'm looking forward to starting. I'm a little anxious, but I think I'll be okay." I reveal.
"Why don't you grab Danny after this and exchange numbers? It's always good to have a friend in an unfamiliar place. Maybe he'll show you the ropes." This was beyond embarrassing. I couldn't even fathom why Danny had flown down for this. I had mentioned my mom's celebration of life in a passing conversation at lunch one day. Never in my wildest dreams had I expected that he would fly to Ohio just for this. "They really outdid themselves here, huh?"
"Mhm," I reply, trying to not sound nervous as I talk to him. This was extremely awkward and would be even more awkward as soon as Danny sat down. I was just singing Bruce Springsteen love songs with him yesterday. Shit, I kissed him like the script had called for like twenty-some hours ago. I wonder if he told his dad that I was playing his love interest? I had really hoped not. I didn't want my dad to hear about my role from Mr. Schuester. I could only imagine what he would do to Danny if he ever found out we kissed — even if it was just for rehearsal. "Uncle Blaine was on the phone yelling at the florist for a few hours this morning," I chuckle.
"I was not yelling," Blaine says, as he turns to me. "I was just talking louder that I normally do. Hey, Mr. Schue. It's good to see you."
"You too," he replies. "It's so good to see all of you... despite the circumstances."
"Yeah, this is a hard one," Blaine says.
"One that I don't think we'll ever get over."
"Is everyone here?" my father asks, diverting the topic of conversation. "It was kind of a madhouse coming in... I didn't have a chance to see a lot of people."
"Mostly everyone is here," Mr. Schuester replies. "I knew that Kitty and Jake wouldn't be able to make it, unfortunately. Jake is touring with the Los Angeles Ballet Company in Sweden and Kitty is too far into her pregnancy to fly. I think everyone is actually coming by our place later. I know it's kind of last minute, but thought it would be nice to get all of us together especially since Danny made the trip home. Emma got some food catered in from Breadstix and it's supposed to be nice enough outside to have a fire. You'll have to see the new house — I don't think you've been by since we put the addition on..."
I see Beth shake her head in the distance and motion for me to check my phone. I had left it in Blaine's Explorer. I didn't see a reason to distract myself from anything going on around me and I definitely wouldn't be checking in on my Facebook page to let all of my friends know that I was here this evening. She rolls her eyes at me as I shrug my shoulders. Beth makes some sort of motion to me with her hands that she will meet me afterwards. I don't know why she couldn't just get up and come talk to me. If I know my aunt as well as I think I do, she was going to want me to drive back to Lima with her or just stay in the city and blow off Mr. Schuester's invitation.
I don't think I could be in the same room as Danny outside of these walls without it being awkward come Monday morning.
"I know Rachel would love this," Mr. Schuester says, catching the tail-end of his conversation with my father.
My father gives him another soft smile as my grandfather leans over to place his hand in mine. "How are you holding up, baby girl?"
I nod my head. "I'm doing okay for the moment. Surprisingly, better than I thought I would be doing actually." I clear my throat. "You look really nice tonight, Papa. I never knew you could clean up so well."
"What, this old thing?" he laughs, pouring down at his suit. "Your uncle Kurt picked it out for me. He said I couldn't be an outfit repeater and wear the same thing that I wore to your mom's wake. I've never heard of something called outfit repeating. I've only ever had once nice, black suit. There's no difference between the one hanging in my closet and the one he dropped off for me."
I nod my head. "Tell me about it. That's why I look like I'm ready to walk the red carpet at a gala," I bellow. "But you have to admit, we both managed to pull it off. We look damn good."
My grandfather hands me a tissue from the pocket of his suit jacket, under the gold handkerchief that Kurt has picked out for him. "I'm not allowed to blow my nose on this fancy gold thing, so your Nana made sure that she packed extra."
"No, no," I say, as I push it away from me. "My goal is to not cry this evening. So far, it's working."
"Honey, if it happens, it happens. Just look out to us while you're singing. We'll try not to cry when you're on stage. I promise."
"I can't make any promises," my Nana replies.
"Thanks, guys." I smile at them both, "I've missed you so much."
"We've missed you too, Annalise."
None of us really knew what to say to one-another much beyond our small side-bar conversations. In all honesty, we were just waiting for the production to start. Making small talk didn't come easy to me anymore. We knew that there would be time to talk once this was all over — and talking seems to heal the pain, I guess. There's no healing this huge hole in my heart caused by the pain that I was feeling as I sit in anticipation with these 50 or so other people, who are all waiting on someone to make the first move. The house lights fade as if right on cue, and a single spotlight appears on stage. The curtain goes up, to reveal a large, free-standing dry erase board, with my mom's name written on it in italicized font.
"Welcome, ladies and gentleman, distinguished guests, and friends and family to the State Theatre this evening as we honor the life of Mrs. Rachel Hudson-Berry. My name is Gina Vernaci and I am the Chief Executive Officer at Playhouse Square. On behalf of Rachel's husband, Finn and their daughter, Annalise, we are blessed that you are here with us this evening as we take you on a journey of the lives that Rachel has touched during her short time here on Earth." Gina pauses and looks down at the notecards placed atop the podium in front of him. He begins again by saying, "I was lucky enough to have met Rachel some years back, while she was touring with the production of Rock of Ages. She was a gentle, warm-hearted soul who boasted about her family back home in New York that she was missing dearly — however, she was so elated to be able to show her family and friends here in Ohio what she has been working on for several years. Rachel was that kind of person. She was proud; not only of herself but of her friends and family and wanted to make sure everyone knew that she felt that way. I was able to catch a matinee of the performance. It was a cold and snowy Sunday and the Browns were down by four touchdowns in the second quarter and I couldn't help but think how much I would rather be home than here on my day off. I mean, I had seen the cast rehearse all week so I knew what the show was about. However, the wife insisted —," Gina pauses for a moment for the audience to laugh before he continues. "And I am so glad that she did. Rachel was phenomenal. She absolutely owned the stage and made the part her own. I've witnessed a lot of actors and actresses come and go through this hallowed theatre, but no one impressed me as much as she did. Rachel loved being up here and performing for all of you. Her legacy on Broadway and in musical theatre — and especially right here in Cleveland — will live on for generations to come." Gina pauses for a moment to catch his breath. "And we will miss her presence here in the State Theatre." He smiles sweetly out to the audience before saying, "it is my honor to welcome Mr. William Schuester, former director of William McKinley High School's glee club, the New Directions, onto the stage."
As the audience begins to roar with applause, Mr. Schuester makes his way onto the stage and shakes Gina's hand before taking his place at the podium. "Good evening, everyone," he begins, as the theatre falls silent. "For those of you that don't know me, my name is Will Schuester and I had the honor of coaching Rachel in WMHS's glee club from 1995 to 1999. I'm uh... I'm normally really good at these things," he stammers, his voice cracking a bit, "but today, I stand here before all of you that loved her just as much as I did and I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what to say when someone that helped to mold you into the person that you are today leaves this Earth." Mr. Schuester allows a few moments to compose himself and gather his thoughts before continuing. "I'm honored to be the one emceeing tonight's celebration of life. I'm grateful, as I am sure her husband and daughter are, that so many of you could join us this evening. Rachel was... well, she was Rachel," he says, allowing a small laugh to escape his lips. He takes a look at the photograph of my mom in the frame a few feet away from him. "She was the first student to sign up for the New Directions when I took over after my first year out of graduate school at Kent State University. I was as green as they come — I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I posted the sign-up sheet on a bulletin board in the hallway and I remember checking it every period to see if anyone had signed up yet. Rachel's name was the first one that I saw. She had written it so perfectly on those lines and put this little gold star sticker next to it," he chuckles. "Rachel knew that she was something special, but things never came easy for her. She knew that, too, with the path in life that she had chosen. Rachel would always tell us that one day, she would be on Broadway and everyone would be chanting her name in the audience to do an encore. It was very hard to tell her that they did not do encores on Broadway — but let me tell you, on the opening night of Funny Girl, I was sitting front row chanting for an encore," Mr. Schue says, as he smiles widely. "Rachel lived her life how she wanted to and was respected by many for her talent. I helped to mold her into a version of herself that felt confident going to New York and chasing her dreams, and she helped to mold me into the version of myself that not only became a better teacher, but also a better husband, and father. Our choir room at McKinley was like a second home and in there, we were all a family. Although we have lost a core member of that family, we will always still be just that... a family. Death is a part of life, it's a part of loving someone. I'm honored that Rachel was the first student to take a chance on me and to take a chance on the glee club that I created. She was truly unlike anyone that I have ever met before. We will still always carry on and be a family, no matter the years or the miles that separate us, because it is what she would have wanted." Mr. Schuester glances down at his paper once more. He is trying his best not to look into the audience — I know he is afraid to crumble in the spotlight, in front of the many eyes that now burn through him. He lets out a lengthy sigh, as I hear his wife begin to sob softly behind me. "When Kurt and Blaine approached me about her celebration of life, I knew that there was only one way to memorialize her — the only way that we knew how to. I see so many of my students sitting amongst Finn and Rachel's family and extended friends this evening that I am truly at a loss for words. Something like this typically would have taken place in our choir room where Finn and Rachel fell in love, but the State Theatre seemed more appropriate for a star such as her and for a life which she had lived and loved. In our choir room, I would always write the title of the assignment each week on a dry erase board, very similar to the one that you see on stage this evening. Kurt has asked that we keep everything very casual tonight, to give everyone a sense of comfort as if we were back in the choir room. So... anyone that would like to sing or would like to say something can come up and do so. Maybe it's a song that she sung. Maybe it's a song that reminds you of her. I know that something as silly as singing isn't going to bring her back, but maybe for two minutes or so, it will help us all to remember the best parts of her." Mr. Schuester concludes, as he steps away from the podium.
Gina joins him on stage, and places his hand comfortingly on Mr. Schuester's back. "Thank you, Will, for your beautiful words this evening," he states. "With that being said, the stage is all yours. Whomever would like to come up and sing first is more than welcome to at this time."
The entire theatre falls silent for several minutes. All of us wanted to say something... to perform something... but we didn't want to be the first one to do so. As I continue to look around at all of the confused faces, I see Santana Lopez stand up first. A small part of me knew that she was going to be the person to break the ice. My mom always told me that she was resilient and wasn't afraid of much of anything. Mercedes Jones follows shortly behind her. There are two microphone stands placed in the middle of the unoccupied wooden stage, almost as if they are calling out to them. Santana takes the microphone stand to the left, while Mercedes chooses the one to the right. The deep breath that Santana lets out is echoed across the crowded theatre, as attendees look on to see exactly what will happen next.
"Thank you all for joining us here this evening, as we celebrate our former diva, Mrs. Rachel Hudson-Berry. This song is for her, and for all of us, who are feeling her loss so heavily this evening and will continue to feel it for the weeks to come. Annalise and Finn —," Santana says, as she looks out to my father and I, "you both knew how I felt about your mom. She was my constant — my best friend for many, many years. Although we never truly saw eye to eye on a lot of things, I am thankful that she was there to help me navigate New York and lead me back to my beautiful wife. We had a lot of good times together, and I will miss her every single day of my life. I love both of you so much, and I know that you, as well as I and as well as everyone here, will carry her in your hearts for the rest of our lives."
The house band begins to play behind both girls, as the prominent ivory keys of the Baldwin piano and the soothing sounds of the violin strings begin to hum softly. Santana begins to sing first, with Mercedes joining in a few bars later. Their voices harmonized beautifully together, and I was fully immersed in their performance. Both of them were very close to my mom — Santana especially. She had lived with us while I was a newborn and spent many of nights babysitting me with her now wife, Brittany, who is looking on from the audience beaming with pride. Mercedes had dated Sam for quite some time right out of high school and into their mid-20s. They fell out very shortly after he left Los Angeles. Not a day goes by that he doesn't regret leaving her at the altar on that June evening in Las Vegas. Their romance, however, is history, much like their time in glee club.
Regardless of their relationship status with members of my family or the history that they had with my parents, it meant the world to me that they had volunteered to go first. It takes a lot of courage to perform first anywhere, and I am so glad that two strong, powerful, beautiful women had taken on that task. I know that my mom is smiling down on two of her best girlfriends, and wished that she had patched things up with them before she got sick. She always told me that life had just gotten in the way — but she always brought them up in passing conversations as if they had never left. The song that they had chosen was Beyoncé's "I Was Here" and it truly was beautiful, and it was so fitting for my mom.
I just want them to know
That I gave my all, did my best
Brought someone happiness
Left this world a little better
Just because I was here
As the last chorus erupts from Santana and Mercedes, the mundane theatre is soon filled with a sea of applause. There are some sobs heard throughout — mostly from my uncle Kurt and my father. The girls step down from the stage and make their way over to the front row to give my father and I a hug. I do my best to recognize it as a sign of comfort. Mercedes gives my father a soft kiss on the cheek, as the two head back to their seats in the house.
"Thank you, Mercedes and Santana," Mr. Schuester states, as he makes his way back behind the podium. "Wow... that song was truly beautiful... I don't know how anyone is going to follow something like that. Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us this evening."
"Watch and see," I hear my godfather say, as he gets up from his seat and wipes his sweaty palms on the legs of his black dress pants.
"You're a mess," I tell him, as I look at the tears still streaming down his face. "Why don't you wait for someone else to go first?"
"I... I can't hold this in any longer," he tells me. "I feel like I'm about to explode."
"Ladies and gentleman," I hear Mr. Schuester say, as Sam begins to weave through several seats to find the end of the row. "Mr. Sam Evans."
Sam grabs the acoustic guitar tucked in the far corner off-stage, closest to the house band. He opts for the stool that one of the ushers have grabbed to be placed in front of the microphone stand. He thanks her few times as she makes her way back stage. Once seated, Sam places the capo on the upper neck of the guitar, adjusts the strap, and plays a few chords to ensure that it is tuned properly. "Thank you everyone," he tells the audience, moving back from the microphone a bit. "Thank you all for being here this evening. Uh... I'm really not too good at stuff like this — talking and making speeches — as I'm sure most of you remember from Finn and Rachel's wedding reception." Thinking back to that disaster makes me smile a bit. "Rachel was... she was one of my best friends. She was like the older sister that I never really thought I would get but was really blessed to have. She and Kurt took me under their wing and saved me from some really dark times. I've been thinking about her since I woke up this morning," he sighs. "I've been thinking about how she would love that she finally got an entire glee assignment all about her... even if it did take like 20 years," he says, as most of the audience members parrot back with laughter. "I'd like to dedicate this song not only to her — but to my best friend Finn and my goddaughter Annalise, who they blessed me with and who has always been the sunshine in my life. I know you both are so sad right now and I wish I could say it gets better but I don't know when that's going to be. This song is a reminder to you both, and to everyone missing her this evening that we will all be together again someday, even if that's hard to imagine right now. Rachel Babs," Sam says, as he looks up to the ceiling, "this one's for you."
As Sam strums the first chords on the guitar, it is taking everything in me not to cry right now. This was the song that had had happened to be playing when her casket closed at the funeral home. I grab both my father and my grandfather's hand as he begins to sing,
Hope is an anchor, and love is a ship
Time is the ocean
And life is a trip
You don't know where you're going, 'til you know where you're at
And if you can't read the stars, well you better have a map
A compass and a conscience so you don't get lost at sea
Or on some 'ol lonely island, where no one wants to be
From the beginning of creation I think our maker had a plan
For us to leave these shores, and sail beyond the sand
And let the good light guide us through the waves and the wind
To the beaches in a world, where we have never been
And we'll climb up on the mountain y'all, we'll let our voices ring
Those who've never tried it, they'll be the first to sing
Whoa, my, my
I'll see you on the other side
If I make it
And it might be a long, hard ride
But I'm gonna take it
Sometimes it seems that I don't have a prayer
Let the weather take me anywhere
But I know that I wanna go
Where the streets are gold
'Cause you'll be there
Oh my, my
You don't bring nothing with you here
And you can't take nothing back
I ain't never seen a hearse, with a luggage rack
So I've torn my knees up prayin'
Scarred my back from fallin' down
Spent so much time flying high till I'm face first in the ground
So if you're up there watching me would you talk to God and say,
Tell Him I might need a hand to see you both someday
Oh my, my
So I'll see you on the other side
If I make it
And it might be a long, hard ride
But I wanna take it
Sometimes it seems that I don't have a prayer
I let the weather take me anywhere
But I know that I, wanna go where the streets are gold
'Cause you'll be there
Oh my, my
'Cause you'll be there
Oh my, my
Sam places the guitar next to the stool on the stage, as he stands up and holds the microphone closer to him. "Anna and Finn, I love you both so much and I hope you know how blessed we are that you allowed us to be not only in your lives, but in Rachel's life too."
Mr. Schuester walks over silently to Sam, as he pats him on the back. He is wanting to exchange some sort of words with him, but he doesn't. Instead, Sam hastily exits the stage, and then the theatre, the emotion on his face cutting the air like a knife.
"Should I go get him?" I whisper to my father, a bit of concern raising in my voice.
My father shakes his head. "No, he'll be back. He just needs a minute."
"I get it."
And I did. For the next half an hour or so, that is how things went. Multiple people came on stage to sing songs honoring my mother. Mostly, it was people from their high school days. Brittany Lopez and Tina Chang, two members of the original New Directions, had chosen to perform Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings." Ryder and Marley Lynn — who weren't as close to my mom, but were close with my uncles and my father — had chosen Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton's "When I Get Where I'm Going." They were part of the group that my father taught his first year out of the Army when he was student teaching with Mr. Schuester for the degree that he never followed through on. They lived a few houses down from Blaine, Kurt, and Sam, and they reconnected upon their move back to Ohio from Seattle, where Ryder had played for the Seahawks for a number of years. He had been traded to the Cleveland Browns about three years ago, and retired from football when they began trying to conceive their first child. Mike Chang and Artie Abrams — the man that my mom owes a lot of her Broadway recognition to for writing, directing, casting, and producing I Fall To Pieces — had chosen Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World." It was sometime between the last verse and the bridge that Sam had resurfaced back to the theatre, his face crimson and his suit jacket smelling of cigarette smoke.
Upon seeing him take his seat next to my father, I figured that it needed to be my turn soon. Now that more people had began to partake in the casual glee club like style that my uncle Kurt had suggested, I was feeling a lot less nervous. I wasn't ready for him to join me up there just yet. He notices me get up and smooth out my evening gown, as I wink at him.
"Are you ready to go? Do you want to do this now? I was hoping we would have the closing slot..."
"I... I think I'm going to go first," I whisper to him. "No fear, right?" I smile. I shake my head and place my gold Kate Spade clutch in his lap. "I just... I have a lot to say. I've been sitting here thinking about so many things. I'm her daughter... I should have been the first one up there."
"Are you sure?" he asks, his eyes widening.
I take a deep breath and smile at him. "I'm sure."
But I wasn't sure. Now though that I've stood up, I couldn't sit back down. My hands are shaking and my heart is pounding so loud I can hear it in my throat. I felt my grandfather tap me on the back, as the house stands in ovation to welcome me on stage.
"Remember," Kurt says, as he takes a hold of my hand. "If you get nervous, just look at me."
I nod my head as I begin to make the slow walk up the four stairs and onto the wide, open space. The applause has come to a halt at this point and most attendees have taken their seats. I feel Mike wrap me in his arms for a hug, as Mr. Schuester and Gina smile warmly at me. I can see Danny's emerald green eyes looking at me from his place in the house, as he holds his two thumbs up in the air. I take my place behind the microphone stand as so many others before me have, and look out into the audience. Most are waiting with baited breath, to hear what the daughter of Rachel Hudson-Berry will say.
How will she honor her mother?
What will she say about her that hasn't already been said?
What song will she choose to sing — because honestly I don't have any fucking clue as to why I'm coming up here when I don't even know what song I'm going with.
Will she be any good at performing, or did it skip a whole generation?
The bright spotlight is beaming down on me, causing me to squint through my contacts. I can feel beads of sweat begin to form on my face and hope that they don't begin to soak through my dress.
"Hi guys." Those are the first two words out of my mouth. Those are the best two words that I could manage to come up with. I adjust the microphone stand to my height and move back about half an inch. "As most of you know, my name is Annalise Hudson, and I am Rachel's daughter." I pause for a moment before continuing on, hoping that the enormous lump in my throat soon disappears. "I want to start by thanking each and every one of you personally for being here this evening to honor the life that my mother lived. More importantly, I want to thank all of you for what you have done for my family and I these past seven weeks, as we have learned to become adjusted to the next chapter in our lives. I know that she loved each and every one of you and I hope that you find comfort in knowing that she is right here with us this evening. I'm sure she's in the balcony, sipping on an amaretto sour, gushing over all of these performances. She is not only here with us this evening, but a piece of her will always live in your hearts for forever, because you welcomed her into your lives with open arms." I look out into the audience and see Kurt holding onto Blaine's arm, while my father rests his head on his own mother's shoulder, unable to stop the waterfall of tears that are streaming down his face. "It seems like as a woman, we spend a great deal of our lives trying not to become our mothers. What I have learned at 18 years old is that sometimes, you can't stop that from happening. It is only natural. When I was younger, I lied to myself and said that didn't want to be anything like my mom. However, as I have gotten older, I can't help but think... why wouldn't I want to be just like my mom? When you have a mother as amazing as mine was, it is hard not to want to follow in her footsteps. I have admired my mom and deep down, really always wanted to be just like her.
I admired her talent. I watched her, on many of stages similar to this one, trying to get off-script or perfect a note or a dance step that she had missed only ten hours prior. I watched her do thousands of shows in several years span, with each one being somehow better than the other. She was tired, sure, but she knew that Broadway was a lot. But it's what she had always wanted — because it was a dream that her own mother had. I would watch her in awe each time it was her turn to say a line, or sing a solo — most of which she cried through — but it was her talent and her passion that carried her through each and every show and made her famous in every Broadway circle. She said that performing was never about the fame, she just did it because she loved it. But behind closed doors, she would admit that she loved being famous because no one could underestimate her anymore. She had worked her ass off through high school and college, gone on dozens of callbacks, and had finally proven to anyone that ever doubted her that she was as good as she said that she was.
I admired her beauty. My mother was beautiful, not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. She didn't need makeup to dress up the version of the person that she was around my father and I. She didn't need fancy clothes or shoes or any of that nonsense. She was caring, and she was kind, and she had a heart of gold. She would give the shirt off of her back to anyone in need and would help anyone as long as they were a good person. No matter if she made a mistake, she would admit her wrong. No matter the situation, she tried to find the good in everyone. She believed in second chances. She was soft spoken, though could get crazy at times. You couldn't have a conversation without her cracking a joke one minute and then becoming serious the next. For a long time, she hated how she looked. She didn't feel sexy enough, she didn't feel worthy enough, she didn't feel pretty enough... But every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw my mom, and it made me feel beautiful too even if only for a moment. I would remind her of that all of the time — that she didn't need to fix herself to make anyone love her anymore than they already did.
I admired her courage. It takes a hell of a lot of guts to get up on stage every night and make sure that the show goes how it should. She would treat every show as if it was her last and always made sure to do her best every afternoon and evening. Her best was always stellar. Not only does it take a lot of courage to be a performer, but it takes a lot of courage to become a mother. For my mom, that meant putting someone else before her for the first time in her life. She had me at a time when the world was at a standstill after 9/11, at a time when she was on Broadway, and at a time when she was so young and had so much still that she wanted to accomplish. She juggled all of that and then some at the same time, and she wasn't afraid to ask for help. She never gave up, no matter how overwhelming it became. She was courageous when it came to her friends and family and she always stood up for what she believed in, even if the rest of the world thought that it was wrong and that she was just a Broadway ditz and shouldn't have an opinion.
I admired her wisdom. Not only was she an amazing mom, but she was a wonderful mentor and teacher as well. She offered gentle guidance, but also let me make my own mistakes so that I could learn right from wrong. She always knew exactly what to say to me when times got tough and it all became too much for me to handle. My mom and I would fight over the silliest things like most mothers and their daughters do, but eventually we would get over it and make up after she had me look at both sides equally. My mom didn't care what I did, what dreams I had, what college I applied to, what path I had chosen in life... she just wanted me to be happy. In those moments of uncertainty and doubt, she wasn't just my mom. She was my best friend.
I admired her strength. She had been through a lot and God, she was so strong. Even in her darkest hours, when she felt like she was losing control of the life that she had tried to make perfect for us, she never gave up the fight. I've never seen someone smile through cancer treatments like she did. She was the strongest person I've ever met — much stronger than I'll ever be."
I take a deep breath and take another look down at the paper in front of me, losing my placement for a moment. "I... I, uh... I admired," I say, as I let a tear fall freely, "I admired the love that she had. She loved everyone and everything. She loved her friends — most of whom have gotten up on stage to reciprocate that love tonight through song. I'm sure she's in that balcony making notes to tell you how you can improve because that's just who she was. When she did that, she did it out of love because she always saw the potential that you had. She loved her family. We became a very big and very blended family early on in my childhood. No one was ever unwelcome in our home, whether you were there to stay for awhile or were just passing through. She loved music, she loved performing, she loved New York, she loved traveling, she loved sunrises, she loved rainy days, she loved trash reality television shows and horrible romantic comedies. She loved Ohio even though she would never admit that she missed it. She loved the smell of those really bad, really strong candles from department stores, she loved gold stars... she loved making me laugh, she loved making me cry, she loved watching me on stage... don't worry guys she criticized me and made tons of notes for me, too," I say, laughing a bit through the tears. "She loved spending time with me. It didn't matter what we were doing, even if we went to Central Park just to people watch for a few hours. We would make up stories about people as they passed and she always said she'd write a show about them one day. She loved shopping with my uncle Kurt, date nights with my dad, trying to bake with my Nana, holiday melodies at the piano with my grandfathers, she loved learning about old cars with my Papa, she loved talking through sports games on television. She loved being a mom, she loved being a sister, a daughter, an aunt, a friend, a mentor. She really, really loved my dad," I say, as I lock eyes with him. "My parents were soulmates. It's not very often that you find one of those, especially as young as parents found each other. Watching them fall in love, so I've been told, was like watching a dream. I didn't know them as that though: I only ever knew them as just my mom and dad. I have never seen a truer love than what they had shared with each other.
I was not prepared to lose my mom when I did. I wasn't prepared to lose her talent, her beauty, her courage, her wisdom, or her love. I admired all of these qualities that I know that I have gotten from her.
My mom was my hero.
And now, she gets to be my guardian angel — which I now get to admire her for until we meet again someday.
I always promised myself that I would never follow in her footsteps. But, as I stand before you today, I know that I am in fact, just like my mother. And I am damn proud of it." As I take a break in my words, I look out again to try to find a familiar face. The one face I land on is my father's, who is falling apart before my very eyes. I can't look at him or else I will begin to fall apart as well. I walk away from the microphone stand, after finally deciding on a whim which song I will sing after pouring my heart out to all of those that looked on. I make my way back to the microphone and smile, wiping the corner of my eye, trying not to smudge my mascara. "I have a song that I want to share with all of you this evening. She used to sing me this song when I was a little girl, and I thought that it was only fitting if I now sing it to her. So, mom, wherever you are tonight — whether it be up in one of the balconies, on a cloud, or on a stage all your own... this is for you."
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'
Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'
Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to sellin' out, reconsider
Give the Heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice, to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice, to sit it out or dance... dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
As the applause from the audience begins to erupt again, most have risen to their feet, looking on to see what it is that I will do next. The theatre falls silent after a few moments, as I try to catch my breath.
I had two choices here — I could go sit back down, let my heart rate drop and comfort my dad — or I could call my uncle up on stage to share in this moment with me.
I chose the latter.
"I'm going a bit out of line from the um... rules that were established this evening. I know, uncle Kurt that you really wanted that closing spot... but I would be honored if you would come up on stage with me and help me with this next song."
My family looks stunned as they watch his every somber move. The expression can be read clearly on their faces, as Kurt makes his way up on stage, smiling out to the audience seated before us. They begin to roar with applause once again, as he meets me by the podium and wraps me in his arms, not wanting to let go.
"I'm not even mad about not getting the closing spot," he chuckles, whispering in my ear. "You inspire me."
"Thank you," I mouth back to him, as I step back a few feet away from the microphone, allowing for him to have his moment to honor his best friend.
"Thank you everyone for being here this evening," he begins. "I am so honored to work for an organization such as Playhouse Square, and I appreciate you, Gina as well as Mr. James and all of the ushers here this evening that have had a hand in making tonight truly special." Kurt breaks for a moment to allow for the audience to applaud the amazing group of people that have worked behind the scenes for several weeks that have assisted he and Blaine in pulling this whole thing together. "I know in times like these, we really do need our friends and family to get through everything, and it comforts me to see so many smiling faces all around." Kurt looks at me as I shake my head, signaling to him that I was ready, whenever he deemed it appropriate to begin our duet. "Rachel was my best friend," he says, taking a deep breath. "Since day one, she and I were always competing with one another to prove who was the better performer. I think deep down inside, we developed a mutual respect for each other and for our talent. Even though it was hard to admit sometimes, I knew that she was better. Most of the time, especially when we became much older and much closer and much wiser than we were in the choir room at McKinley High, we let each other win. I knew though, somehow all along, she was only competing with me to try to make me better. And, I have to admit, she did. But albeit, I think a part of me made her a better person too, and that's why I was always up for the opportunity to have with her what we called a diva off. So, Rachel, you passed the test with flying colors. You work on Earth is no more — it's done. You made me a better person by being my best friend. You made me a better person for believing in me. You made me a better person by coming into my life, when I wasn't looking for someone like you. You made me a lot of who I am standing before you today. Rachel and I had our shortcomings, but at the end of the day, we knew that all we needed was each other," he smiles. "Once upon a time, a boy and a girl both madly in love with the spotlight traveled to New York City to compete in the National Show Choir competition. Once upon a time, the boy and the girl snuck into the Gershwin Theatre and sang this song to one-another. Tonight, I would like to dedicate this to her and I am honored that my niece, Anna, will be joining me to sing this song for my sister-in-law... my best friend... my duet partner... this evening."
I nod my head as I walk back to the stand, and place both hands firmly around the stem of the microphone. As soon as I hear the harmony of the violins and piano come to life again, I know that Kurt would be singing first. I wish silently in my head for strength to make it through this sacred song that we had spent hours practicing last night. The fact that he was trusting me with this and didn't back out like I thought he maybe would left a warm feeling in my heart.
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those that help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today, because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder, halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But, because I knew you
I have been changed for good
As I look over at my uncle, our eyes lock, as I begin to sing:
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine, by being my friend
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind of the sea
Like a seed dropped from a sky bird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
"But then I guess.." he sings, smiling widely at me, through the tears in the corners of his eyes, "we know there's blame to share..."
He and I move closer to each other, as we begin to sing in unison, "and none of it seems to matter anymore..."
Kurt lets me catch my breath as he continues on,
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes the sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
As I hear the ping of the sharp chord on the piano, knowing that I need to overlap him, I begin to belt,
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped from a sky bird
In a distant wood
Kurt locks his hand in mine as we look out to face the audience and sing,
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better
"And, because I knew you," he sings, his voice becoming a low whisper.
"Because I knew you," I respond, my voice continuing to fade
"I have been changed for good."
As the audience begins to fill the theatre yet again with applause, my uncle and I take a bow, smiling at each other once we do so. While my head is facing the bottom of the stage, I see my dad waiting on the steps. I'm unsure as if he is coming to walk me down and make sure that I get back to my seat safely, or if he is going to take his turn up here. When Mr. Schuester gives me an all clear motion with his hands, instructing me to get back in front of the microphone, I smile as the rest of my family looks on from the crowd.
"Please, would you do me the honor in welcoming my father, Finn Hudson, to the stage."
A/N: Thank you all for your reviews, follows, and favorites on this story. Your response and love has been so amazing during this weird time in our world. I do not own the rights to any of the music used in this chapter. If you'd like to take a listen, here are the songs that were used in this chapter:
"I Was Here" by Beyoncé
"You'll Be There" by George Strait
"Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler
"When I Get Where I'm Going" by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton
"What A Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong
"I Hope You Dance" by LeAnn Womack
"For Good" by the cast of Wicked/Glee
What songs do you think will appear in the next chapter? I'll give you a shoutout in the chapter if you guess correctly!
In the meantime, I hope you, your friends, and family are staying safe and healthy during this time.