Jess sat in Luann's living room, staring blankly at the TV. There was some reality show on, but she wasn't really watching it. She'd been hiding out in Luann's house for going on 3 days and had barely slept or eaten, not that there was much food in the house. A couple of frozen dinners and that was about it. Her car was kept safely hidden in the garage in case anyone drove past, but she didn't think anyone would think to look for her here, not when they all thought she was out of town.
A knock at her door shook her thoughts from her and sent panic coursing through her veins. Had she been wrong? Had Jax found her?
As quietly as she could, she stood from the couch and walked down the hall to the front door. Peeking through the peep hole, she breathed a sigh of relief. It was Daisy.
"What are you doing here?" Jess said as she opened the door for her. Daisy beamed at her, holding up two grocery bags and walking past her and into the kitchen.
"Thought you might be hungry," she said, setting the bags on the counter.
"Rose tell you I was here?" Jess asked, "That traitor." But she wasn't really upset. It was nice to see a friendly face after 3 days of no human contact at all. At least here was somebody who didn't hate her guts.
"She did, but don't you get mad at her. She knows I won't say nothing," Daisy said absently as she began unloading the groceries. Jess's mouth watered at the sight of the food and she quickly grabbed the carton of Dreyer's out of one of the bags and dug a spoon out of a drawer, sitting at the counter and digging into the ice cream. Daisy grinned at her and continued putting the rest of the groceries away.
"So… what happened, baby girl?" Daisy asked, finally taking a seat next to her at the counter. Jess shrugged, staring into the gallon of Double Chocolate Chip as a new tear fell down her cheek.
"I messed up," Jess said miserably through a mouthful of ice cream, "I totally, royally fucked up, but so did Jax. He wouldn't even listen to me and now I've lost him and Lux and my entire family." Daisy patted Jess consolingly on the shoulder, frowning.
"You didn't lose your entire family," she said softly, "You'll always have me and Rose. No matter what." Jess smiled gratefully at her, her heart opening just a tad at the thought of Daisy acting like a real mother.
"I can't stay in Charming," Jess finally said, "I've been thinking. Lux can manage Cara Cara for awhile until Diosa really gets back on its feet. Then Nero can buy me out."
"Where would you go?" Daisy asked. Jess shrugged.
"Back to Santa Barbara, I guess. At least there there's nobody I care about that I can hurt, or nobody trying to hurt me to get to Jax. Charming is completely pointless without Jax or Lux. It would be too hard to stay," Jess said, misery in her voice.
"Rose is here," Daisy reminded her, "And me." Jess nodded.
"I know, and I'll miss Rose like crazy. You too," Jess added, realizing that it was actually true. She'd finally gotten her mom back, and now Jess was thinking about leaving her.
"The thought of staying in Charming gives me hives," Jess admitted, "You didn't see the was Jax looked at me..." Jess shuddered. Daisy continued to pat her on the back.
"I know this will sound hypocritical coming from me, but please take it from someone who knows - you can't run away from all your problems," Daisy said, "Running away won't help. You've built a nice little life here for yourself, and if it's true that you have lost Jax and Lux, well, you've got your business, and you're good at it. You'll make new friends. You'll find new boys. But Santa Barbara won't be changing any of that."
Jess looked at her, the weirdness of the situation not escaping her. Daisy, her former cracked out, junkie whore mother, was giving her advice. And it was good advice. It was sober advice. Daisy was finally acting like the mother Jess had been craving her to be. That thought alone sent another wave of tears through Jess and she sat at the counter, crying into her ice cream.
"Thanks, Daisy," Jess muttered when her tears had finally subsided. Daisy nodded.
"You need to face your fears, baby," she said, "Nothing good comes from running." Jess sighed and nodded, wiping away a few tears.
"Ugh, you're right," she admitted, wanting nothing more than to keep hiding for the rest of her life if it meant avoiding this call to Jax. But she couldn't ignore the truth in Daisy's words.
SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA
Jax sat at the bar, working on his 2nd beer of the night and staring glumly into the space in front of him. Lux sidled up to the bar, hopping on a seat next to him and immediately a water was placed in front of her by the prospect behind the bar. Lux sighed and Jax smirked, turning to face his sister.
"You're naming it after me, right?" he asked jokingly. Lux scowled.
"You wish," she replied, "So Gemma finally came out with what happened with Jess." Jax sighed.
"Of course she did," he muttered.
"I cannot fucking believe she would do that," Lux said bitterly, and Jax nodded. He knew how she felt.
"Yeah," he said quietly.
"But still…" Lux said, "She's done a lot for us. You know, the whole attempted sacrifice to save mine and Abel's life thing." Jax raised his eyebrows. Lux wasn't typically the forgiving type, but he knew when you'd gone through what she and Jess had gone through together, you come out the other side bonded in a way nobody would ever understand.
"Yeah, she has," Jax agreed. Lux nodded, staring at the water in front of her in disgust.
"So… you gonna forgive her?" Lux asked. Jax shrugged.
"I don't know," he said, "And I have a feeling she's pretty pissed at me right now, too. The trust there is gone, on both sides. But to figure anything out I'd have to actually fucking talk to her and she's been MIA for the past 3 days."
"Yeah, I know. She hasn't even called me," Lux responded.
"Well don't take it personally," Jax said, "She's avoiding everyone."
"Where do you think she is?" Lux asked. Jax shrugged.
"If I had to guess, I'd say Santa Barbara. It's the only place she's got ties to other than here," Jax said. Lux nodded.
"She'll come back. Can't stay in hiding forever," Lux told him, just as his cell phone, laying in front of them on the bar, began to buzz.
SOASOASOASOASOA
Jess held the receiver to her ear, her entire body shaking in nerves. She had no idea what she was going to say if and when he answered, but even worse, she had a good feeling about what he was going to say. She didn't think she was ready to hear it. She was totally and completely in love with him, and flashing back to the way he had looked at her at the zoo, as if he had no idea who she was, had been the worst feeling in the world.
"Jess," Jax breathed into the phone, and the relief in his voice made the tears welling in Jess's eyes spill down her face. She had expected pure loathing.
"Hi," Jess said hesitantly, unsure what else to say. She had not prepared for this conversation before dialing.
"When are you coming home?" Jax asked quickly. Jess paused, all words lost.
"I don't even know where home is anymore," she whispered.
"Yes, you do," Jax said, "Come home. Let's talk about this."
"But… but you said…" Jess began, her voice trailing off.
"I know what I said," Jax said, "I was pissed. I'm still pissed. But I love you. We need to talk." Jess nodded into the phone.
"Okay," she finally relented, ""I'll be there in 30." The words escaped her lips before she could realize her mistake.
"30?" Jax said, surprised, "Where the hell are you?"
"Luann's," Jess said, a laugh escaping in between sobs. She heard Jax chuckle and could picture him shaking his head.
"God dammit, Jess," he said, but there was little anger in his voice, "I'll see you there."
Jess hung up the phone and looked over at Daisy, who had been sitting across from her during the conversation and immediately stood, rushing to Jess's side and taking her in her arms. Jess hung on to Daisy's embrace for as long as she could. Eventually they pulled apart and Jess wiped her eyes as Daisy handed her a tissue.
"How'd it go?" Daisy asked. Jess nodded, smiling at her through wet eyes.
"He said he still loves me," she said, "But… I don't know. He wants me to go over to the house to talk." Daisy nodded, smiling at her.
"That's good," she said. Daisy looked around the cavernous living room they were sitting in, decorated in Luann's ostentatious and expensive taste, and smiled.
"You guys should move in here," she commented, "Way more space than you got at Jax's place." Jess shrugged, looking around and folding her knees into her chest.
"It's pretty painful being here," Jess admitted, "I see Luann in every single thing. Every room, every piece of furniture. But it's those same reasons I can't bare to sell it either. Sometimes it's nice being here, like I can feel her here with me."
"You two must have been close," Daisy said, and Jess nodded, smiling sadly.
"The mortgage isn't killing you?" Daisy asked. Jess shrugged. If she was honest, the mortgage had been a cause of stress on Jess. As much as she didn't want to sell it, losing it to the bank would be ten times worse. But so far she'd managed to make the payments, and she knew the club would be back on it's feet soon, especially with Diosa so close to opening.
"I'll figure something out," Jess responded. Daisy nodded, patting Jess on the knee.
"You do what you need to do, baby," she said, and Jess smiled at her.
"Thanks for being here," Jess said, "I probably would've spent another two weeks here before I got up the courage to make that phone call, and by then I definitely would have starved to death." Daisy smiled at her, nodding her head.
"I was serious, Jess. I'm here for you. Anytime, anything you need," she said. Jess looked across at her thoughtfully for several moments, trying to read her, and all she could see was sincerity. It seemed like all Daisy really did want was to be apart of Jess's life, and Jess was finally ready to let her in.
"Well… I could use some help at the club," Jess said, thinking that what she really needed was an assistant manager, but what with Lux getting pregnant that role was still left unfilled. Daisy beamed at her, her eyebrows raised in surprise.
"Are you serious?" Daisy asked, "You'd give me a job?" Jess grinned, nodding.
"If you want it," Jess said. Daisy nodded enthusiastically.
"Working with my daughter," Daisy said beaming, "What could be better?" Jess laughed.
"Well you'd mostly be helping to keep the girls in line, and we'd take turns closing down the club. I could train you to place some orders, too, that would save me a lot of time," Jess said. Daisy nodded.
"You know I did manage a bar down in Oakland for a time," Daisy told her, "This was awhile back and it wasn't anything as big as Cara Cara, but I did the scheduling and the orders, counted down drawers, all that kinda stuff." Jess raised her eyebrows, shocked at the idea that Daisy had been able to even hold down a job, much less make it to manager.
"Really?" Jess said, shocked, "Wow, that's great! I've been needing an Assistant Manager for months. Maybe we can see how you do there." Daisy beamed at her, her smile stretching from ear to ear as she threw her arms around Jess.
"I can't wait to get started," Daisy said excitedly. Jess smiled, happy about Daisy's enthusiasm at the prospect. Jess looked thoughtfully again at Daisy, something else occurring to her.
"And you know… now that you have a job and everything… why don't you stay here? We could split the rent. It would be a huge help with the mortgage," Jess offered. Daisy's eyes grew wide, the size of saucers, before she slowly began to shake her head.
"No, Jess I couldn't," Daisy said, "You've already done so much for me offering me the job. I'm fine at Rose's until I can find a little place of my own." Jess waved her off.
"I'm serious. You'd be doing me a favor. You can look after the place, make sure the plants get watered and everything, and help me out with the mortgage. It's a win-win," Jess said. Daisy grinned, shaking her head.
"Well, if you insist," she said, and Jess laughed, nodding.
"I absolutely do," she said, "Just… you'd just have to sleep in the guest room. It's nice and everything. I just don't want the master disturbed." Daisy nodded.
"I completely understand," she said, "No problem at all." Jess breathed a sigh of relief. Now that all that was taken care of, she just had this little conversation with Jax to deal with.
SOASOASOASOASOASOASOA
Jess pulled up to Jax's house and as soon as she saw his bike in the driveway her entire body became one big ball of nerves. Jax had said he loved her, but he also said he was still angry. She honestly had no idea what she was walking into, but she knew she needed the opportunity to explain herself in person.
She slowly made her way up the path to the front door and paused, unsure if she should knock. It had been months since she'd knocked on that door, but when she left she had thought she was leaving for good; that it was no longer home for her. She finally turned the door knob, seeing that it was unlocked, and walked inside.
Jax was leaning on his arms against the counter in the kitchen smoking a cigarette and looked up when she walked in. He turned around to face her, his back resting on the counter, his eyebrows furrowed. She stood, frozen in place, as she took all of him in. She had missed him more than she had realized and all she wanted to do was rush to him and let him take her into his arms. But it wasn't time for that. Jax stubbed his cigarette out in an ashtray on the counter before turning back, giving her his full attention.
"You gonna tell me what the fuck you were thinking?" he finally asked. Jess nodded, crossing her arms uncomfortably across her chest and took a moment to get her thoughts in order. The more she did, the angrier she started to feel.
"I was thinking that I'd been asking you for almost a year to deal with this. Since before we were even together I've been asking you to figure your shit out with Tara. Do you really think I enjoy the biweekly phone calls and texts from your ex-girlfriend?" Jax's eyebrows raised in surprise at the frequency Tara had been calling, but Jess didn't notice. The words were tumbling from her lips and every bit of anger, every bit of resentment she'd had towards Jax over this issue rushed to the forefront of her mind.
"Jess-" Jax started to interrupt, but Jess cut her off.
"No, it's my turn to talk," she said sternly. Jax's eyebrows narrowed slightly, but he left her continue, "Tara has been hounding me, Jax. Hounding me. And who in God's name can blame her? She wants to see her son. You know, the one she raised for the first 3 years of his life? And I've been asking you to deal with it until you finally told me to leave it alone. Told me you'd deal with it. And I did leave it alone. But you didn't deal with it. So Tara starts threatening to go to court and she's right, Jax, she has rights to Abel and she could take him away from you - legally - if she wanted to. And maybe I should have told you about those threats but all I could think about was what you did to Ima when she threatened your family. I couldn't let you do that to Tara." Jax eyes narrowed and his jaw set, his nostrils flaring in anger, but Jess felt so much better. It was as if the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders with every word she uttered. She felt so much lighter. She felt like finally, she might be understood.
"What the fuck, Jess?" Jax asked, anger and bitterness in his voice, "Ima? Seriously? I thought we were past that. It's been a year - how long can you possibly hold on to something like that?" Jess shrugged, looking down at her feet guiltily. It wasn't right of her to throw that in his face after all this time. She heard Jax sigh and finally chanced a glance up at him. He didn't look as angry anymore, just sad.
"You're right about one thing, though," Jax finally said, "I should have dealt with Tara a long time ago. I talked to Rosen, and Tara and I are working out a visitation agreement for Abel." Jess's eyebrows rose in disbelief and she gave him a small smile.
"That's… great, Jax," she said sincerely.
"But you were also right when you said you should have told me about what Tara was saying," Jax continued, "I don't care what you thought I might do or how you thought I might react, you do not keep shit like that from me. Ever." Jess sighed, nodding.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't have kept it from you. I just… I didn't know what to do."
"You talk to me," Jax responded, "That's what you do."
"I'd tried to talk to you! FOR ALMOST A YEAR!" Jess felt her voice rising, the frustration she felt laced in every word.
"Not about Tara getting a lawyer, you didn't," he replied calmly. His calmness only infuriated Jess even farther, like he was getting a kick out of her anger.
"Jesus Christ, why does it have to go that far for you to finally listen to me?" Jess asked, practically shrieking, "You're fucking impossible!" Suddenly, as though he couldn't wait a second longer, Jax moved towards her, closing the distance between them, and kissed her hard. Surprised, it took Jess several moments to realize what was happening, but her body responded much quicker than her mind and she wrapped her arms around him, melting into his kiss.
"You're fucking impossible," she repeated when they finally broke apart, but the anger and frustration had left her voice.
"I just fucking love you," he said, running his hands through his hair. She gazed up at him for several moments before snapping out of it and she stepped back from him, out of his grasp.
"Maybe you shouldn't have kicked me out then," Jess said, her voice soft. Jax's easy dismissal of her from his life had hurt her almost more than she could bear, as if she was still the foster kid bouncing from place to place. Jax sighed, shrugging.
"I was pissed," he finally said, "I reacted badly. I'm sorry. You should've known not to take me seriously." Jess looked away, blinking back tears.
"Jax, my entire life has been full of people kicking me out the second I messed up. So when you told me to pack up my shit and leave... yeah. I took it seriously," she said. Jax closed his eyes for a moment, his face full of pain. When he opened them he stepped towards her, as thought wanting to pull her into his arms again, but she reflexively took a step back.
"I'm sorry, Jess," Jax said. Jess turned her eyes to the ceiling, shaking her head, and Jax knew it would take more than an apology to gain her trust back there. When she finally looked back at him, she shrugged, spreading her arms out before they fell back against her sides.
"So," she said, "where do we go from here?"
"You bring all your shit back," Jax said simply, as if it were the most obvious course of action, "You live here." Jess bit her lip, wanting more than anything to agree, to run into his arms and agree to just forget this whole thing had ever happened. But it had happened, and she couldn't pretend otherwise.
"It's not that easy," she said, "You haven't thought this through." Jax frowned, crossing his arms against his chest.
"Well think it through for me, then," he said, irritation in his voice. Jess sighed.
"I can't just move back in and we pick up where we left off, pretending like nothing happened. I think it's going to be awhile before either of us really trusts the other one again. I'm going to be in constant fear that you're going to cut me out of your life for good the next time I fuck up, and you're going to be in constant fear that I'm keeping secrets," Jess said, remembering with guilt that she was still keeping the secret about the extent of her gunshot injuries.
"Jess…" Jax's voice trailed off and Jess shook her head.
"Can you honestly say you trust me 100% right now?" Jess asked, "That you're not going to be suspicious of everything I say?" Jax crossed his arms across his chest, his eyes narrowing.
"You lied to me," he said. Jess nodded, new tears forming in her eyes.
"I did," she whispered, "I lied to you."
"So no, that's not something I'm just going to forget," he said. Jess sighed.
"Can you honestly tell me you don't have secrets? That you've never lied to me about anything?" Jess asked, already knowing the answer.
"That's different. Those are club secrets, not family secrets. It's not the same thing," he said. Jess shrugged.
"Yeah," she said sadly, "Just like the way you looked at me at the zoo… the things you said to me… I'm not going to forget that anytime soon, either." Jax's expression grew harder as he realized what Jess was saying.
"So what now, then?" Jax asked. Jess shrugged.
"If we're going to be together, we need to trust each other," she said, unsure of 'what now'. She didn't know what to do. Jax turned his head to the ceiling, finally turning and walking back to the kitchen counter to light another cigarette. He stood there for several moments, leaning on his arms against the counter, his back towards Jess.
"Then I guess we can't be together," he finally said without turning around. Jess stared at his back in surprise, the silence so loud it was deafening.
"That's not what I meant," she said quickly, feeling panic slowly beginning to creep in. Jax finally turned around to face her, his expression pained.
"But that's what it is," Jax said, "You're completely right. I'm going to end up putting one of my guys on you all the time, making sure you are where you say you're going to be, always second guessing everything you say. That's exactly how this turns out. Is that what you want?"
Jess stared at him for a second, her mind whirring, trying to come up with any solution other than breaking up. But he was right. He didn't trust her, and she sure as hell didn't trust him. She didn't trust him to keep his promises, to do what he said he'd do. She didn't trust him to not cut her out of his life entirely the next time things went wrong. It wouldn't work.
"I guess not," she finally replied, her voice quiet. Her tears had dried up and her body had gone numb, as if protecting her from the pain of what was happening. It was several minutes before either of them spoke again.
"I do love you," Jax finally said, and even his voice sounded choked. She nodded, hoping she could make it out of his house without crying again.
"I love you, too, Jax," she said quietly, wanting more than anything to take it all back, to tell him they could work on the trust if they were just together, but she knew it like he knew it. It couldn't work.
"Please don't disappear," he said, "I still want you in my life. At the clubhouse, family dinners, whatever. You're still SAMCRO. You're always welcome." Jess nodded, giving him a small smile.
"Thanks, Jax," she said. They stood in silence for several moments longer before Jess finally spoke again.
"I guess… I guess I should go," she said, glancing behind her at the front door. Jax turned from her again, putting his cigarette out on the ashtray on the counter. With his back still turned to her, he finally responded.
"Yeah, I guess you should," he said.
AN - Thank you so much to all who reviewed/favorited/read! We really appreciate those who take the extra time to give us feedback on the story - it does a lot to help us know if we're going in the right direction :)