Chapter 9

That letter played on Ana's mind for the next few days. She took it out of her jewelry box and read it repeatedly. Her heart sang with joy and believed his beautifully written sentiments, but her mind rejected it with the facts:

Christian is a well-trained Dom

Christian enjoys the lifestyle

Christian needs the control

Christian is used to having his own way

Christian or any man cannot change their ways in just a few days

I don't like pain

I need to be cherished, loved, and respected

I cherish my freedom

He will hurt me

He has already hurt me to the very essence of my soul. How can I forgive him for using me or wanting to use me as his whipping boy? What if this is just a ploy to trap me? Can Christian ever love anyone? He says he has no heart, but yet…he said that he loved me. Fuck. I need help. I need guidance. I need my head examined to think that we could be together! He can't just walk away from something that has been ingrained into his soul. He is a Dominant! I can't live like that and I won't! I will not be any man's doormat! If he wants me, he had better learn to appreciate that I am my own woman with my own thoughts, needs, desires, and dreams. Can The Christian Grey live with a non-submissive woman? Good question?

Frustration plagued Ana as she struggled with her thoughts. Part of her wanted to walk across the grand foyer of Escala and see if that code really did work and another part of her wanted to run away. Which would win, her heart or her mind?

"Miss Steele?" A soft voice asked. Ana looked up at the doorman who smiled gently at her. "Can I help you?"

She gave a little chuckle. "No, Rochester, but thank you for asking. I'm just deciding what to do."

The older gentleman gave her a kindly grandfatherly smile. "Listen with your heart, darling. Life is too short to turn your back on love." He tipped his red hat at her and went toward the door. Before he went to his station, he turned back to her. "Mr. Grey hasn't been the same since you left."

Ana only nodded and gave a weak smile in return. She went to the elevator and waited patiently for the doors to open. She was alone in the elevator. When the doors closed, she felt too warm. Her hand shook as she punched in the code for the penthouse. She jumped back as the elevator began its trip up for thirty floors.

Ana stepped out of the elevator and went to the doors that were open. Was he expecting her? She kept walking taking in his entire penthouse. Something was different about the Great Room. Then she noticed her portrait hanging over the fireplace. It was one of the photographs that Jose had taken of her a few months ago and asked to use in his gallery show. Christian must have bought it. She stood in the middle of the room staring at her own image.

"I find myself doing the same thing." A familiar voice said. "I stand here for hours just staring at you…hoping, wishing, and praying that you will return to me." He stood behind her silently begging her to fly into his arms. She turned slowly to look at him but she didn't move. Her eyes went up and down his form taking in his crisp white linen shirt that displayed his spectacular muscular chest. He wore dark blue jeans that hung deliciously off his hips. As usual, he was barefoot.

"You bought that at Jose's show?"

"Yes, I did. I went to Portland in hopes that you might be there and I could speak with you, but…you never attended."

"I don't know why I am here." She said. She felt a lump in her throat. She was excited and frightened at the same time. This man beat her ass. This man wanted to dominate her into being nothing but a sexual toy for his personal use.

"I've missed you." He stepped towards her but stopped when she stepped backwards. "I won't hurt you, Ana."

"Oh, I know you won't." She spat back. "You will never hurt me again because I will never go back into that room. I will never give up my free will to you or anyone!"
"I don't want that for you, baby. I've given up the lifestyle. I don't want that anymore. I want you, Ana. Only you." Christian went to his knees. "I won't ever hurt you. It's gone, Ana. That room is gone. It's only a shell…just like I am. I'm only a shell of a man without you. Please come back to me."

"I can't." She whispered feeling her heart constrict with pain. "I don't trust you."

"I know." His voice was full of emotion. Christian came to his feet defeated because of his own stupidity, pride, and ego. "You can have it all, Ana. I don't want this anymore. If I can't have you beside me, then I don't want any of this."

"Christian, don't."

"I have no reason to stay."

She watched him walk away. "It won't work, Christian. You cannot manipulate me into trusting you." She moved around him keeping her distance from him. "I just wanted to see if you did what your letter said you would do, nothing more."

"The room is gone, Ana. It's just a room."

"It will never be just a room, Christian. It was where you took fifteen women…sixteen counting me and used us for your pleasures with no regard for our feelings. Why do you think those women submitted to your demands? Why did I?"

"You submitted to me because you love me."

"Yes, I did love you with my whole heart, my soul, my body, and my mind. I wanted to please you but it was never enough, was it? You kept pushing me." She was at the French doors just a few feet away from the elevator. "Those women loved you also. They only wanted you to love them."

"I couldn't…I didn't know how to love until you came into my life." His hand covered his heart. "I know I have a heart now because I can feel it breaking. You are leaving me once again."

"I have to for my own good," She fought the urge to run into his arms and soothe his pain, but she had to protect herself for once. He had to learn that she was not easy and if he wanted her, he had to prove that he was changing. "and, for your own good. If you want me, Christian, show me that you are changing. I don't want to hear words, I want to see results."

"I don't know what to do. If I send you flowers, you get mad. If I buy you jewelry you say I am trying to buy you."

"Your letter was the most beautiful writing that I have ever read in my life. You have a good start." She stepped backwards to the elevator. "Don't use your wealth to try to win me back, use your heart."

Ana found herself standing in front of her own apartment building crying. Once again, she fled Escala in tears. She felt empty. She walked out on Christian taking her body away, but he still held her heart.

"Ana, are you alright?" Tara asked when she found Ana standing alone outside their building. "Are you hurt?"

"I hurt all over, Tara. He did it. He got rid of that bitch, changed the security codes, and got rid of the room. He says he is done with the lifestyle." She wiped away a tear. "Can he really walk away like that?"

"I did."

"I still love him."

"I know." Tara took Ana into her arms and hugged her. "Let's go up and get buggered out of our heads."