(The Eye in the Sky)
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I don't own Bones.
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He was worried. Very worried. He should have listened to Brennan and let Aubrey do the undercover work, but he had felt that he had the best chance to get the information they needed to find the killer of Jeff Dover. The man had been a gambler and as a former gambler, Booth had been sure his skills would make him seem more acceptable to the poker players Jeff had played with on a regular basis.
Everything had been fine until he'd had a winning hand that was worth a small fortune. He felt a cold chill sweep through him as he'd struggled to lay the cards face down and arrest Nate Crowe for the murder of Jeff Dover. He had been tempted to take the pot then arrest Nate, but he knew he was being watched by Brennan and the squints and he knew that he had to leave the money on the table.
To leave a winning hand behind and not collect that money had been so hard and now his body was thrumming. He wanted to gamble. He needed to gamble, but he had so much to lose. Brennan was pregnant, he had the family he had always wanted and gambling could destroy that, but the urge to gamble was unbearable. It was like a drum beating in his chest. It was a yearning that was starting to consume him and he didn't know if he had it in him to fight it. He hadn't gambled for a long time, eleven years, eleven years of meetings, humiliating himself in front of strangers asking them for support to fight his addiction and now he wanted to throw it all away.
He was terrified.
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To say he was shocked was an understatement. Gavin Chadwick watched his friend standing in the circle pouring out his fears to the gambling addicts that were sitting there and he knew that Booth was in trouble.
"I went to a poker game, the reason isn't important, but I thought I could handle it. I haven't gambled for eleven years . . . eleven years and I played poker and I got this big hand . . . the money, it was so much money and I knew it was wrong and I had the winning hand . . . I stopped playing and didn't take the pot. I left it on the table, but now . . . now I want to gamble. I worked so hard to get where I am and now I . . . I don't know." Booth sat down. He was frustrated with himself and his situation. He thought he'd had everything under control and now he knew it had all been a lie.
"Booth . . . Booth." Gavin could see that his friend was concentrating and hadn't realized that the meeting was over. Sitting next to the agent, Gavin poked his knee with a closed fist. "Booth."
Startled, Booth turned and faced his friend. "I don't know what to do. There isn't anything to keep my from gambling. My wall is gone." Snapping his fingers, Booth slowly lowered his hand and rested it on his thigh. "It's gone."
Puzzled, Gavin stared his friend for a few seconds, trying to martial his thoughts. "Why did you go to the poker game?" He hoped that Booth would be honest with him.
"I was undercover. I was trying to capture a murderer. The victim had been a gambler." Booth stopped speaking and licked his bottom lip. He needed help and he needed it now. "I've been wanting to gamble for the last two days. I called my former bookie, but he refused to take my bet. He knows I'm an addict and he refused to take my bet. He's my friend and he was trying to help me, but I called another bookie I know about . . . I called him and before I placed a bet I hung up. I've done that five times in the last two days. I'm sure if Jimmy knew it was me, he'd probably track me down and try to beat the shit out of me . . . Of course, he couldn't do it, but he might bring help since the little weasel is really a coward . . . Anyway . . . I don't know what to do. I keep calling Jimmy and hanging up. I want to place a bet. I want to gamble."
Listening carefully, Gavin could hear the desperation in Booth's voice. "There must be something else going on, Booth. Sure, leaving a big pot behind had to hurt, but you walked away. What's going on in your life? Did you have a shock lately? Did something big happen in your life lately?"
Slowly nodding his head, Booth licked his bottom lip again. "A few things . . . My grandfather died. He took a nap at my house while my brother Jared was having a barbecue at my place and Pops didn't wake up . . . Jared got a promotion, but that shouldn't mean anything. It's his promotion not mine . . . Bones is pregnant, that was a shock. We've been careful most of the time, but I guess it only takes one night of carelessness to screw that up . . . I'm happy she's pregnant, I am, but it was a shock . . . a happy shock, not like the shock I got when my grandfather died. I might get a promotion next year, but that's not certain yet . . . a lot of stuff, but mostly happy stuff." He didn't know what else to say.
"You were attacked in your house and could have been killed if your friends hadn't been there." Gavin had read about that in the paper and Booth had mentioned it to him after a meeting a week after the attack. "So, not just happy stuff . . . A lot of big things are happening in your life lately, Booth. Change can be good and it can be bad, but it is change and sometimes it can trigger our need to gamble. Addicts like us . . . we need stability. We need to be in control of our environment as much as possible, it helps to control the need to gamble, but you . . . man, your cup is running over. There's too much going on in your life and you're probably feeling like you've lost control . . . right?"
"Maybe . . . I've never really had any control over my life. Things happen." Booth tried to control as much of his life as possible, but usually it was only the small things he had control over and lately even those were starting to be fail him. "I lost my father a few years ago, he was a drunk and he died of liver cancer. His death didn't really bother me that much. I hated the guy. I mourned what he could have been not what he was, but Pops . . . my grandfather was the father I needed that I wanted. He was a great man. He worked hard. He loved life. Pops took my brother and me away from my father when we were kids. My father beat the hell out of me and Pops found out about it and he took me and Jared from him . . . He raised us until we were out of high school and he never complained about it. He went to our football games, our basketball games, our hockey games . . . He gave us birthday parties, helped tutor us when we needed it. Hell, he volunteered to run the concession stands at the games. He was old and he still did all that . . . I loved him, I still love him and it's been hard to accept that he's gone."
The silence started to grow and Gavin knew that Booth really needed to talk about what was going on now. "And Temperance is pregnant now . . . You say you're happy, but are you?"
He thought about it before he replied. "I am happy. I'd like more kids. I love kids, but . . . I have this dangerous job and I've almost been killed at least three times in the last ten years because of my job. I worry about Bones. She needs me and if something were to happen to me . . . She's strong and she'd probably be okay, but I don't know what . . . I worry about what would happen to the baby she's carrying and to our daughter. They'd be fatherless. My son, Parker is almost grown and his mother is taking good care of him . . . I was attacked in my own home. They didn't care if Bones and Christine were there . . . They would have been collateral damage. My job shouldn't put my family in danger like that, but it has . . . I can't quit. I need to work. I need my job . . . The promotion I might get would put me behind a desk permanently . . . I don't know if I'm ready for that or not." He knew he was rambling, but he needed to talk to someone and Gavin knew what was going on inside him. "When I was in that poker game, everything seemed to stop mattering. I was in control. The chaos was gone for a moment. I knew how to play my cards. I knew when to bet and that jackpot . . . that was a hell of a lot of money. I wanted to play the hand, I wanted that pot, but I couldn't do it and now . . . and now, I want to win a pot like that for real. I want to play that hand again and walk away a winner."
"But you can't play that hand again. You know that." Gavin knew that this one meeting wasn't going to be enough. Booth was in a bad place. "Look, go to as many meetings as you can . . . talk to Temperance about what's going on. She was the reason you quit gambling in the first place. Let her help you again. Talk to her Booth. Talk to her tonight and tell her what's going on."
Hesitating, Booth wasn't sure if that was what he should do. "She might not understand. She'll be disappointed that I'm weak."
"I think she will understand, Booth. Talk to her. For your sake, for her sake talk to her. Don't fight this alone. You're not going to win."
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