Author's note: So it turns out lockdown really does inspire. I had been so stuck on this story for so long. Anyway here is chapter 3 to be followed immediately by the final chapter. Thanks for reading and your reviews. It helped me to stick with it.
In Vino Veritas
Chapter 3
=/\=
She apologised the next day of course. She admitted to being a little put out that he had been away for so long but hoped, now he was back, they could put that behind them. He'd readily agreed, apologised profusely if he'd given her any impression of disapproval. And the matter was closed.
Sort of.
He had turned up to the regular Voyager get togethers, which had started while he was away. Sometimes with Dr Leona, sometimes not. They'd met for coffee in San Francisco on a number of occasions. He had contacted her when he received his job offer from the Academy and she had been the person to pin that extra pip to his collar when he was promoted to Captain.
They were fine. And yet...
She regretted the bottle of champagne induced tirade at him. Knowing that whatever steps forward they had made to repair their friendship during the debriefings had taken a knock back. His disappearance hadn't helped, she wasn't going to take all the blame, or his new relationship for that matter. But she wondered if she should make more of an effort. Invite him to dinner. And Leona.
His relationship with the beautiful archaeologist appeared to be serious, he had told B'Elanna they were talking about finding a place together. Arizona perhaps where they both had relatives. It didn't hurt as much as she thought it might. She'd spent the last few weeks since his return accepting that she was lucky enough to have his friendship, that to wish for anymore was pushing the good fortune she had received since they burst through the borg hub. In the deepest part of her she would be willing to admit to an ache that would never probably leave her. But she was determined, she wasn't going to spurn the opportunity the time travelling Admiral had given her and her crew. She was going to lead a full life, focus on her family and friends, make a contribution to rebuilding the Federation after the Dominion war and just be happy.
And she was. Taking B'Elanna's advice she had started saying yes to offers of dinner from eligible men she had previously spurned and had spent the last few weeks enjoying the company of a Captain Sean Ramirez who she had known since her Academy days. He had been a revelation. Seven years of abstention, if you ignored photons and memory wipes, was a long time and while she didn't ever think for one moment that Sean was going to be a permanent fixture, he had certainly helped her rediscover her confidence in the bedroom and, most of all, made her feel wanted and desirable. A woman of the 24th Century she might be, but she was also 45, had a horrendous history with relationships and could count on one hand the number of people who had called her Kathryn in the 7 years before their return.
Shedding the burden of command and regaining a sense of self had been a gradual process since they had come back and she had, literally, put her insecurities to bed now with Sean. For that she would always be grateful to him, even if she was more than aware that he was perhaps not considering their relationship to be as exclusive as she might have been willing to if the rumours about him at a Starfleet Academy ball with his aide the previous night were to be believed. The speed of Starfleet scuttlebutt was a thing to be admired.
It didn't hurt her. Exasperated her perhaps, but he'd made her no promises and she didn't want them. If she was being callous, he had perhaps given her what she needed when she needed it. While she wouldn't have spurned the idea of a few more dates with him, he was a very attractive man after all, she didn't really desire anything more complicated. The future was hers and hers alone.
=/\=
Today was another Voyager get together, Samantha Wildman and her husband Gres had offered to host a barbecue. Tom was in charge of the burgers and all the senior staff, including Tuvok and Seven returning from Vulcan were present.
Gathered on the patio with her senior staff, wine in hand she felt an overwhelming feeling of contentment. She had had a long overdue catch up with Tuvok who, she was pleased to note, showed no sign of the illness that had threatened to claim him. She watched with glee as Naomi dragged Seven round the garden to play game after game. And, on a more serious note, was relieved to see Seven and Chakotay treat each other with as much respect as before without any particular regret. She did notice Dr Leona's eyes widen when they were introduced for the first time and felt a little better that she wasn't the only one to feel somewhat inadequate when compared to Seven.
Catching up with Seven and Tuvok meant that Kathryn hadn't spent much time with her former First Officer but she made a mental note to grab him later before he went. At present she was far too engaged with the gossip that B'Elanna and Sam were engaging in with her sister Phoebe.
"So apparently," Sam continued, "Nechayev then turned up at the Ball with Reg Barclay on her arm!"
"Go Reg!" Cheered B'Elanna, "Although I have to say I would never have put those two together. And wasn't Reg dating Commander Harkins' daughter?"
"Apparently she broke up with him for someone in Starfleet Intelligence and was absolutely spitting tacks when she saw he had moved on quickly and with an Admiral no less."
"Gossiping does not become you ladies. You shouldn't believe all that you hear and perhaps you shouldn't speculate about people not here to defend themselves," said the Doctor snootily. Kathryn rolled her eyes at him, knowing full well just why he was keen for the current direction of conversation to change. He shot her a look of alarm in response and she snorted into her wine glass.
"What?" Chakotay asked. Damn man, so many things he never noticed and then picks up on the littlest thing at the most inopportune time. She could walk naked into his vision and he would probably just hand her a towel while he continued with his conversation. That made her giggle in a very un-Admiral like way. She looked at her glass, she had obviously had more to drink than she thought. Which made her giggle even more.
The Doctor was very concerned now and she tried, she really did, for his sake to get control of herself. Chakotay had at this point leaned toward her, mischief in his eyes.
"You know something," he said, which got B'Elanna and Sam's attention.
"What do you know?" B'Elanna said eagerly, and now Kathryn thought about it, she too had a glassy look in her eye. Just how much wine had they drunk anyway?
"Perhaps a hypospray is in order Admiral?" the Doctor said hastily.
"Oh God Doctor, you sound like Captain killjoy here," Kathryn said with a laugh. At this it was Chakotay's turn to look incredulous.
"I didn't say a word!" he said seemingly offended, entirely fairly Kathryn thought but still. She was still annoyed with him. Sitting there, looking relaxed and handsome, with his beautiful girlfriend by his side and his even more beautiful ex-girlfriend in her line of vision.
"Anyway," Kathryn interjected, ignoring Chakotay's frown, "I know nothing. Us Admirals have far too much important work to be doing to be listening to gossip."
It was Chakotay's turn to snort now. "What?" She asked him.
"There was no one. Literally no one, not even Paris here who knew more gossip on Voyager than you. Every romance, every still that they attempted to set up - I was meant to be the link between you and the crew and yet you always, always knew stuff before I did."
Kathryn smirked at him, "Drove you mad didn't it?"
He smirked back at her, and if she wasn't mistaken there was a hint of flirtation in his eye and she held his gaze for a moment before she turned back to the Doctor who was still looking anxious.
"Your secrets are safe with me Doctor," she drawled at him before widening her eyes in horror as she realised she had just given herself, or rather him away.
Tom turned to the Doctor gleefully, "Well, well, well, what secrets would these be Doc?"
"The Admiral is obviously not in control of her functions. I wouldn't take much notice," he said haughtily.
Kathryn grinned at him, "Oh come on Doctor, we are all friends. No one is going to care, or at least if they do, they would only be happy for you."
All eyes swivelled to the Doctor waiting for him say something and Kathryn sat back in her chair smiling at him indulgently, until his expression changed and she felt a slither of fear creep up her back.
"Oh really Admiral? If that's true perhaps we should all share our secret romantic entanglements?" Oh she really was going to decompile his programme and wipe that smug expression of his face.
All eyes swivelled back to Kathryn and she caught B'Elanna's grimace and Phoebe's grin. The only two in present company who were aware of her recent liaisons with Captain Ramirez. At least so she had thought. A quick glance at Ayala saw him smirking too. Make that three people, Phoebe never could keep her mouth shut.
"It wasn't secret," Kathryn said simply and, she thought, without her meaning too. Damn wine.
"You've been holding out on me Admiral, I'm crushed," said Tom who look at her curiously before turning his gaze on his wife, "And you knew - my own wife?!" B'Elanna shrugged as she took a gulp of wine.
"Hey my loyalty is to Kathryn, you know that. I like her better."
"Over your husband?!"
"Will we get to meet him Admiral?" Leona said innocently. Kathryn darted a look at Chakotay before answering. His face completely impassive, as if they were merely talking about the weather. She didn't know why but it enraged her. Did he not feel anything?!
"I doubt it," Kathryn muttered, "I think meeting the family may be a little too domesticated for him."
"Taming the wild ones are your speciality," Phoebe said before she and B'Elanna dissolved in a fit of giggles. She really regretted telling them.
"I wouldn't mind attempting," B'Elanna giggled and Tom pretended to be offended before comprehension dawned on his face.
"Captain Ramirez!" Tom shouted, "You did that event with him and my dad a few weeks ago."
"Captain Ramirez?" Chakotay's tone was dubious and the rage boiled again.
"Why would that be so hard to believe?" Kathryn asked him, her tone dropping to dangerous levels and she felt rather than saw her former staff's backs stiffen.
Chakotay looked at her with a smile, "Come on Kathryn, he's not exactly your type." If looks could kill he would have a pile of ashes and confusion raged on his face.
"Oh please Chakotay do you not know her at all? Ramirez is exactly her type," Phoebe said.
"Perhaps Captain Chakotay is confused because none of us have ever seen the Admiral in a romantic relationship." Seven said, Kathryn hadn't realised that she had joined the group. Oh good now her fling with Sean was going to be part of some sociological survey of Seven's.
"No copping off with Delta Quadrant aliens in front of the crew then Kathryn?" Phoebe asked, knowing the answer full well.
"Hardly," she drawled at her sister with a smirk.
Chakotay looked horrified, "What?!" she asked him, with an exasperation that was not unreasonable.
He shook his head, "Nothing, nothing at all."
An uncomfortable silence descended on the group, she could see Leona looking nervously at Chakotay, obviously wondering if Kathryn was going to chew him out again as she had the first night she met her. The Doctor look shamefaced as if realising he had caused Kathryn some discomfort.
"I'm dating Admiral Nechayev," the Doctor blurted and a cacophony of voices rang out as they shrieked with delight and peppered him with questions. They really were an immature bunch she thought with affection. Kathryn refilled her wine glass and toasted the Doctor, she owed him one although why he had kept it secret anyway she didn't know.
She snuck a look at Chakotay who had shifted his attention firmly to the Doctor to join in the teasing and yet, yes, that was his hand reaching up to tug on his ear. He was uncomfortable. He had a damn cheek to be uncomfortable, but she couldn't help that little feeling of - what was it? Glee? No. Satisfaction? Yes. Satisfaction that maybe news of her romantic entanglement had disturbed him, even only slightly.
=/\=
Later on, nicely buzzed from the wine, Tom and B'Elanna had invited Kathryn, Phoebe, Mike, Chakotay and Leona back to theirs for a nightcap. Leona had begged off, claiming an early morning meeting and Chakotay had let her go saying that he would see her the next day. They obviously weren't living together just yet and Kathryn tried to tamp down the feeling of relief. She really was going to have to get used to Chakotay's relationship or she was going to make herself miserable. Or worse, Chakotay miserable.
An hour later they were all sprawled over Tom and B'Elanna's living room sipping brandy, the hosts snuggled up in the love seat, Phoebe and Mike lazing on the rug and Chakotay and Kathryn on opposite ends of the couch. Kathryn found it symbolic of their relationship, so close and yet, so far.
"Do you think they've done it yet?" Tom mused, still obsessing obsessing over the Doctor's romantic relationship.
Everyone considered it for a moment before all eyes turned on Kathryn, "Don't look at me, I am not his confidante in this. I just happened to see them together at the ballet recital that Sean and I attended last week."
"Does his programme even cover seduction?" Mike asked.
B'Elanna nodded, "He's covered everything there is to know about love and relationships," she smirked, "Nechayev is a very lucky woman."
"It's hard to imagine though isn't it?" Tom said.
"I don't really want to," Kathryn replied with something akin to horror in her voice.
"Maybe she seduced him," Mike commented, "You know what these Admirals are like."
Kathryn threw a pillow at him, "I liked you better before you started dating my sister Lieutenant."
"Kathryn is the queen of seduction. Always had the guys eating out of her hand," Phoebe smirked.
"Hardly," Kathryn said as she took a sip of her brandy, "The last guy I tried to seduce turned me down flat."
Phoebe looked puzzled, "Sean?"
"Oh no way before Sean. And he definitely seduced me."
"Hardly unwillingly," Phoebe muttered at her and Kathryn grinned at her sister.
"I find it hard to believe. If you turned those dulcet tones on me, I'd fall at your feet," Mike laughed as he ducked out of the way of Phoebe's swat.
"And me," Tom grinned followed by a yelp at what must have been B'Elanna's pinch.
Kathryn looked at Chakotay out of the corner of her eye. He looked decidedly uncomfortable with the turn in conversation. She honestly couldn't understand his problem. Feeling suddenly tired she made her excuses to leave. After hugs and kisses to the respective couples she turned towards Chakotay to see him shrugging on his coat.
"I'll escort you back Kathryn, it's late."
"There's no need."
"Please, it's late and I'll feel better."
While part of her wanted to scream that she could take care of herself, she thought that now was as good a time as any to finally figure out what was bothering him and explain his reactions to her since he had come back from his trip. She downed the rest of her brandy and motioned for him to proceed her out of the door.
Her Starfleet apartment was only a few blocks from Tom and B'Elanna's house. It made babysitting much easier and she liked being close to her old crew. Sam and Gres were in the same neighbourhood and when she couldn't get back to Indiana due to work, having her Voyager family close by in San Francisco certainly helped to make up for it.
As they stepped out in to the night air, the bite of the wind took her by surprise and she felt the full force of the wine and the brandy. She reached, rather unconsciously, for Chakotay's arm, refusing to look at him in case she saw any censure there. She was therefore surprised to hear him chuckle.
"You ok there Admiral?"
"Perfectly well. It's just cold. And you're warm."
"Glad to be of use."
"Always." She snuck a look up at him then and saw a gentle smile of indulgence. She felt warmer already.
This. This is what she missed. They hadn't spent much time together just the two of them since his return. The odd lunch or coffee in a crowded restaurant or cafe. She couldn't remember the last time it had been just him and her in a room.
They fell in to a companionable silence, she, unwilling to spoil her first quiet moment with him in months and he - well she wasn't sure why he was so quiet.
All too soon they came to her apartment building and she withdrew her arm to tap in her access code. She saw him blow in to his hands to warm them up - the cold was never his favourite thing and his apartment was another good twenty minutes walk away.
"Come on Captain. I'll make you a coffee, ruin it with the sugar you like so much and then get you a site to site. Privilege of the rank."
He grinned at her and followed her inside.
As the apartment illuminated she realised it had been some time since he had been here. Probably during those long weeks of debriefings as they had gone through old logs, reminisced and remembered just how well they had worked together. It had been a time to reconnect and rediscover their friendship, which Kathryn had cherished and, yes, hoped might be a foundation for something more.
They hadn't however delved in to the personal issues that had driven them apart in the last year or so of their travel through the Delta Quadrant. Perhaps, Kathryn thought, that was the problem. Always unspoken, except through ancient legends.
She moved towards the replicator to make the coffee and caught Chakotay looking round the room as if seeing it for the first time.
"It looks different," Chakotay said, "Homelier than when you first moved in."
Kathryn nodded as she handed him his coffee, "You can thank my sister and our former Chief Engineer for that. Encouraged me to decorate and make it a home. They were right, I had been treating it as temporary."
"Not quite believing we were back?" Chakotay asked.
Kathryn nodded and gestured for him to have a seat on the couch as she sat opposite him in her reading chair.
"It took me a while to accept we were home."
Chakotay studied his coffee cup, "You're settled now?"
Kathryn thought about the question, "I don't know if settled is the right word but definitely accepting of the fact we are home. I'm incredibly grateful to the opportunity the Admiral gave us, I've come to terms with the selfishness of it. I can't regret it."
"And the admiralty?"
"I don't relish the administrative crap that comes with the role but to be honest, after the Delta Quadrant, what mission could have more excitement and interest? This way I still get to serve, and have my pick of the more interesting Alpha Quadrant missions."
He nodded thoughtfully and Kathryn took a breath.
"And I get to spend more time on my personal life. Which I seem to remember you always encouraging me to do."
Chakotay looked up at her in surprise and she thought he seemed momentarily lost for words.
"You don't approve?" She asked him and he looked momentarily panicked before that damned inscrutable look fell across his face. God he irritated her sometimes.
"It's none of my business…" he started, tentatively.
"But you don't approve?" she asked again, this time a bit more impatiently.
"Of you getting a personal life? Of course. I was just a bit surprised when it involved Captain Ramirez."
"He's single. So am I. A similar age. Starfleet. What's the problem?" She challenged.
Chakotay swallowed and she saw his eyes flick to the door. Obviously considering his escape. She wouldn't let him. Buoyed by alcohol buzzing through her system she pressed him again.
"Chakotay? What. Is. The. Problem?"
He turned at her tone, annoyance flickering over his features, "You aren't his usual type Kathryn."
"Not attractive enough?"
"That's not what I meant."
"I don't see you disagreeing with me though. So what's the problem? You seemed shocked earlier when you found out I had been seeing him. So what? Didn't you think someone like me could attract someone like him? Too much Virgin Queen for him do you think? Or do you find it hard to imagine what a renowned casanova like Ramirez could see in your old, beat up, ice maiden of a Captain?"
Chakotay's eyes widened, "Kathryn…" he tried to interject but she was on a roll now.
"I mean I know I am no Seven of Nine but unlike some people I could mention there are plenty of men in the Alpha Quadrant who *do* find me attractive. And I intend to enjoy myself. Is that a problem? That i've chosen to embrace my life fully now that we are back, do you expect me to settle down to a boring life, celibate and matronly?"
She got up and paced the floor, "I thought you'd be happy for me? You turn up after months of not seeing us, and weeks of not contacting us I might add, with a new girlfriend and we accept her in to our fold. I didn't question your frankly ill advised relationship with Seven. I accept without question you turning me down when I tried to seduce you. And all I get in return is your disapproval. You disapprove when Mike and Tom flirt with me. You disapprove of my drinking alcohol in front of my family and friends. And now you disapprove because I've been sleeping with Sean Ramirez. Why?!"
She whirled around to find him standing in front of her, his eyes wide.
"Kathryn?"
She watched as he swallowed thickly and the content of her rant caught up with her. Oh shit.
"What do you mean you tried to seduce me?"
It was her turn to swallow now and she felt the adrenalin seep out of her. She tried to hold on to it and her anger.
"Don't play coy Chakotay it's never suited you."
His face hardened, "I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."
She stared at him, confused.
"The dinner, before the slipstream drive attempt that never was."
"Yes I remember the dinner, I don't remember the seduction?"
Oh God it was even worse than she thought.
"The dinner, the candles, the music. 'We've waited long enough'. Is none of this jogging your memory? I flirted with you all night. I asked you to stay for a nightcap and you refused and left."
"Kathryn, every dinner we've ever shared in your quarters involved candles and music. And flirtation for you is second nature. I thought you were talking about our journey through the Delta Quadrant being long enough."
She stared at him.
"I would never have dreamt in a million years it was anything more than that. You had made it perfectly clear I was to be nothing more than your loyal first officer. And that's what I was. I said nothing as you played your games with Kashyk. Encouraged you in your flirtations on the holodeck. Stopped you from martyring yourself on many occasions. Helped you grieve after Quarra for the lover you left behind. And here you are acting as the spurned lover?!"
He stepped into her personal space, his anger clear for her to see and she didn't know whether to be aroused or scared. Strange thing alcohol. If he had behaved like this when she was sober he would find himself stripped of rank. Now she couldn't help but feel a surge of excitement. That at least he was feeling something and that damned impassiveness he had displayed since their return was gone.
"And you've got a nerve to question my romantic entanglements. At least mine don't embarrass me in front of the whole of Starfleet by getting caught in a rather inappropriate display in the middle of a federation ballroom with a subordinate."
Kathryn looked at him in confusion. Then the penny dropped. Sean. And his aide the night before. It was an Academy ball. Chakotay would have been there. Sean was there as he was a visiting lecturer this term. Kathryn couldn't make it as she was caught up in a Bolian snafu. That's why he had looked so surprised. He hadn't realised the girlfriend that Sean was cheating on was Kathryn. It wasn't disapproval. It was concern.
"It was his aide. Civilian so not quite his subordinate but still probably inappropriate."
She could see Chakotay try to regulate his breathing and his temper, "You knew?"
Kathryn half sobbed, half laughed, "Of course. Julia commed me the minute it happened."
"You don't sound all that upset?"
"Annoyed? Yes. But Sean was…" She trailed off not knowing how much to confess. She could hardly tell him that Sean Ramirez had merely scratched an itch. Or perhaps she could.
"Sean was attractive, available and he wanted me. And I wanted him. For a night or two. More as it turned out but he was never going to last and I never wanted him to."
She braved at look at Chakotay, "I hadn't felt wanted in a - well - sexual way for quite some time. In fact I had lost some of my confidence in that regard. Sean helped to restore it."
He turned away from her running his hands through his hair before they came to rest on his hips and his head hung low.
She heard him take a deep breath before turning back towards her, "And I had made you feel that way? Unwanted?"
She shrugged, "Between failed attempts at seduction and rain checks for lunch on Voyager, yes you did. You wouldn't even dance with me at the welcome home ball. Said dancing wasn't your thing. So imagine my surprise when you turn up at Miral's naming ceremony with a beautiful young woman and dance the night away."
Devastation flooded his face, "And then Mike flirted with me and you looked like you were going to ream him out for insubordination. As if you couldn't believe that anyone would want to flirt with me. As if it was a surprise to you that anyone would see me as woman, a sexual being."
He shook his head in disbelief.
"I guess part of me should be pleased." Chakotay said.
"Pleased?!"
"Being made to feel unwanted. It's how you made me feel for years."
Kathryn was shook at his cold tone, her eyes filled with tears.
"I moved on. Just as you wanted me to. I didn't think for a minute you were trying to seduce me Kathryn because I had accepted a long, long time ago that we were friends and nothing more. And now? Now you have the nerve to be angry with me because I did what you asked for. I don't deserve that."
A tear escaped and rolled down her cheek. Chakotay watched it as it travelled down and fell to the floor.
"I can't do this right now. You've had too much to drink and I need to just…process."
"Chakotay…" Kathryn started and reached for him. Burned when he shook his head vigourously.
"Not now."
And then he was gone.
=/\=