A/N: 'Ello there. I'm back here to tug at your heartstrings some more (because the last story was not enough, apparently). This story's title and some of its contents are inspired by Johnny Cash's song called Hurt. Or that was the song I was listening to on loop when I wrote this. Don't worry though, this is not a songfic.
Every time Steven hugged him, he felt a sense of warmth course through his body. A feeling of safety and calm. Now was no different; however, Lars couldn't help but notice that something seemed off about it.
The arms around his midriff felt like vines. The hands that usually laid flat against his back were tense with fingers digging into his clothes. And Steven's face was buried in his chest instead of leaning against it.
Of course, he could have been embarrassed. After all, it wasn't every day that you almost crushed your friends in a pink dome. But the way he hugged him told a different story. It wasn't one of those I'll miss you hugs that his parents had given. It felt desperate.
Too soon, the other boy let go and turned away from him. Lars wanted to speak but didn't know what to say. What could he even say? He'd already told Steven that he could come and visit. But for some reason, a gnawing sensation in his gut told him that wouldn't happen any time soon.
"I- I'll see you around, Lars."
The space pirate snapped out of his thoughts and opened his mouth to say something, but it was already too late. Steven took to the sky, leaving him alone with the Off Colours. Lars turned towards them and smiled to hide his worry.
"Let's get out of here."
The gems didn't oppose as they made their way to the Sun Incinerator. Hopefully, the feeling in his gut would disappear. However, as the minutes turned into hours, it only grew stronger. Even after a last check of the ship to see if they were okay to leave, Lars hesitated. He turned away from his crew and hid in his quarters.
It felt like he was back inside his room before Homeworld. Except instead of dark thoughts swirling around in his mind, there was concern. A worry so strong that it made him anxious.
The way that the other boy had acted at the graduation ceremony had already set off the alarm bells in his head. But that last hug had been the kicker. It was so unlike him. The Steven that he knew might be sad in the moment, but always managed to pick himself up. Something must be wrong.
A knock on the metal door startled him out of his thoughts. He took a deep breath and walked over to see who it was. The Rutile Twins stood on the other side.
"Are you okay, Captain?" asked one of them while the other said, "You seem a bit down."
Lars leaned against the doorway as he thought about what to say. "I'm fine." No. That wasn't right. Better be honest than lie. "Actually, I'm a little on edge."
"Oh." "Why is that?"
"I..." He swallowed and tried again. "I'm kind of worried about Steven."
"Really?" "How so?"
"Everything about him today felt off. Something's not right."
"Is that why..." "You don't want to leave?"
"Yeah." He scratched the back of his head. "I'm sorry about this. I just can't seem to let this feeling go."
One of the Rutile Twins shook their heads with a smile while the other said, "It's okay, Captain! If you need some time before we leave, then we'll hold off for as long as you need it."
He smiled. "Thank you, Rutile."
"No problem!" "You're welcome!"
Lars promised that they'd take off within the next week before he went back into his quarters. The space pirate felt a sense of relief fill him despite the worry that persisted. He sat back down on the chair and lounged as he thought about what to do next.
At first, the teenager thought to text or call Steven to see how he was doing, but immediately rejected that notion. If his gut was correct, then the other boy could easily ignore his messages or end the call if he tried to talk about something more than the usual. No. He had to do confront him another way.
Lars could try talking to him in person, but he would prefer to do it where nobody would be able to hear them. He had a feeling that trying to get through to Steven with other people around—especially his family—then he would deny everything.
The space pirate let out a long-suffering sigh as he rejected one idea after the other. It was going to be a long night.
…
The next day, Lars marched over to the Beach House to look for Steven. Surprisingly, nobody came to the door when he knocked. He tried the handle and found it unlocked. Despite the feeling of intrusion coursing through his body, he persisted and headed up the stairs towards the other boy's room.
It was empty.
'Okay, weird.' The space pirate left and went down the stairs to check every other place. Nothing. Not even a note to tell him where he could be.
Lars' heartbeat picked up a fraction. He pulled out his phone to text Connie, Sadie, and the Cool Kids about his whereabouts. He left the house and hurried down the steps as several pings sounded from his pocket. The teenager swiped to unlock his phone and read the messages. They all said the same thing. Though a few considered that he check out certain places.
The first on the list was Little Homeworld.
Lars didn't have to look for long until he found the gems. When he approached them, they turned to him in surprise.
"Lars?" asked Pearl. "Steven said that you left the Earth."
"Yeah, I was about to, but that's not important right now. Have anyone of you seen Steven?"
"He was here not too long ago," said Garnet. "Is something the matter?"
"Okay, thanks. And I hope not."
The space pirate didn't give the gems a chance to ask any more questions as he ran back towards Beach City. Thankfully, ever since his resurrection, his stamina had increased tenfold. He rarely got tired even if he sprinted a mile. It was also easier to cross certain places when one could walk on water.
Lars checked the harbour, Funland, every restaurant, and even the lighthouse. Nothing. The panic that had built over the past couple of hours felt overwhelming. He shook it off, though, if only for a moment to check one last place.
The Brooding Hill.
By the time he arrived at the place, the teenager was exhausted and covered in sweat. The light of the sunset hit his face as he watched it lower on the horizon. He let his body drop to the ground and clenched at the grass. The worry and panic inside had mutated into something painful. It hurt him more than anything before in his life.
"Where are you?!"
Lars' scream echoed over the hill. It felt good to get some of the emotion out even for a moment. It took some time to get his breathing back in control before he stood back up. He blinked back tears that threatened to fall as he clenched his teeth in determination. He was not going to give up. Not yet.
The teenager took another deep breath and turned around only to bump into something soft. He took a step back as his gaze focused on the thing in front of him.
"Lion?"
The pink feline stared at him with curious eyes. He closed the remaining distance between them and stroked his body against Lars' much like a cat begging for attention. As if on instinct, the space pirate raised his hands to pet the lion.
"What are you doing here, buddy?" he asked and scratched the back of the feline's ear.
Unsurprisingly, he didn't receive an answer. However, Lion did look back up to stare at him. He stilled his hands in the pink mane as the teenager tried to figure out what he could possibly–
A thought interrupted his wonders. Lars got down on one knee to meet the lion's gaze head-on.
"Lion. Can you take me to Steven? Please?"
The feline got the message and lowered his body to let the space pirate climb on his back. The teenager didn't waste any time. Once on and secure, Lion roared as a portal appeared in front of them. Lars braced himself as they shot off and into the entrance.
It didn't take long until they landed on the other side. The place they had arrived at was a forest. Behind the trees, he saw a large field. Lars noted that the sky had darkened significantly since earlier. He got off of the lion's back which laid down on the ground for presumably a nap. The teenager snorted at that thought. His musings were interrupted by a familiar tune coming from somewhere beyond the woods.
Strange, it sounded an awful lot like the song Sadie and Shep had performed at the graduation. Instead of wondering about it for too long, Lars followed the music. It took little time until he made it out of the forest. A massive sigh of relief left his lips when he saw Steven sitting on the grass with the Dondai Supremo parked some distance away from him.
Lars continued to stare in silence, not wanting to interrupt. From his spot, the other boy looked fine. Then again, he couldn't see much as his back was to him. He seemed relaxed enough though with his jacket folded and put to the side right next to him.
Eventually, the song ended, and he heard Steven exhale loudly.
"If only it were that easy."
The concern from earlier trickled back into the teenager. That sentence sounded so sad. Almost hollow.
"I wish that I had your viewpoint, Sadie. So that I can look forward to things too, but I can't. I– I just can't."
His heart constricted at the words, and he took a few careful steps forward. The other boy didn't seem to notice his presence yet.
"Who am I without my friends?" He chuckled. "Nobody, that's who. I'm just a sad sack who doesn't deserve anything. I'm useless."
The teenager halted a few feet away when he caught the sight of something on the ground. His eyes widened, and blood ran cold when the item registered in his brain.
"At least I got you." Steven picked up the knife only to bring it towards his already cut and bleeding arm. "Old friend."
Lars watched in horror as the other boy brought the blade down to his bare skin. He wanted to stop him but knew that in doing so, he could risk making it worse. As painful and frustrating as it was, he waited until the dagger was far enough away from Steven's arm to act. Thankfully, the other boy seemed to think three more gashes were enough before he put the blade off to the side.
'Now!'
The space pirate gave no warning as he approached and kicked the knife away. Startled, the other boy turned around at the same time that he reached over to hug him. Unsurprisingly, Steven struggled at his hold.
"It's okay, buddy. It's me. It's alright—I gotcha. You're fine. Everything is fine, okay?"
"L– Lars?"
"Yeah, it's me. Everything is okay."
The teenager received no response for a moment. Then, he felt hands tugging at his jacket before the other boy completely broke down. Lars' facade cracked as he sat down while still keeping a tight grip on Steven.
Mixed feelings coursed through him as the crying went on. Proud of himself for listening to his gut. Heartbroken that the other boy had resorted into cutting himself. And he was concerned about all those wounds.
Another thing made itself known, which were questions. He'd said "old friend" when referring to the knife. How long had he done it for? How come he hadn't even noticed? How come the gems hadn't noticed? Or his dad? Or Connie?
Even though Lars felt his mind reeling with emotions and exploding with questions, he put them off to the side. For now, he needed to focus on the matter at hand. He rubbed the other boy's back and shoulders while making small hushing sounds. It felt both foreign and right to do it this way.
Eventually, the crying subsided. Steven lifted his head and stared at him with bloodshot eyes. The sight made his heart clench. How long had the other boy been crying before he arrived?
"Why are you here, Lars? Weren't you leaving?"
Ah yes, he hadn't thought that far. "Uh..." He trailed off while trying to figure out how to put what he felt into words. "I was, but then I started to get this bad feeling. I decided to hold off for another week."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Oh." The surprise in the other boy soon turned into a smile. "I'm happy that– Ouch!" His gaze went to the source of the pain he'd exclaimed as his face fell. "Oh, no. Not again."
"So, I was right," said Lars, starling the other teenager. "This was not a coincidence. You've done this before."
"I– Lars, I can explain!"
"Oh, you better. I didn't stop you in the middle of your cutting session to not get some questions answered. So, start."
"I– sometimes I get these episodes, you know? I lose– I kind of blackout, I guess? When I come back to my senses, I'm covered in blood." He halted in his explanation and took another look at his arm. "It's never been this bad before, though."
Lars felt ill. "And this happens how often?"
"B– Before it only happened, maybe once or twice every few months. I– I don't. It's not– I'm not suicidal or anything. It's just– when I get sad and stuff, things like this happen. You know what I mean? Actually, maybe you don't. I– It's probably just me who–"
"No," he said to interrupt the other boy's ramble. "I do know what you mean. I've done it too."
Steven looked about as shocked as the teenager felt. "You– You have? Why?"
"I had a lot of anxiety and didn't know how to deal with it." The space pirate shrugged even though he knew it wasn't a matter to joke about. Still, this wasn't about him. "Never mind that. The important part is that I stopped and so can you."
"H– How? How can I possibly do that? I can't even control myself when it happens."
"That's okay. I'll help you in any way that I can." 'And there's an excellent therapist that I can direct you to.' He shook those thoughts away. Now was not the time for that conversation. "Let's take care of your wounds first, yeah? I don't want you passing out on me from the blood loss."
"Oh, that's okay. I got it." Steven brought his arm towards his mouth to kiss each and every wound. They healed up completely, not even leaving a scar. Even the blood disappeared back into the cuts. "There. All done."
Lars realized that's why he never knew. How no one ever found out about the cutting. Sick couldn't even describe how he felt. It felt like someone had ripped out his heart and stomped on it a couple of times. Yeah, that sounded about right.
The space pirate exhaled a long-suffering sigh. Then, he grabbed the other boy from underneath him before he stood up. Despite being chubby and only a few years younger than him, he was surprisingly not that heavy.
"Uh, Lars?" asked Steven with his face, flushed a deep red. "I can walk by myself, you know?"
"Oh, I know." He turned towards the forest. "Lion! We're leaving now!"
Lars didn't need to wait for long as the pink feline came running towards them. Together, they made their way to the car. After multiple protests, he eventually put the other boy back down.
"That was really unnecessary. I'm seventeen now, not seven!"
"Really? Wow, I totally did not notice."
"Lars..."
"After all, your height does tell a different story."
"Lars!"
"Okay, okay, I'll stop. No more teasing." He chuckled despite the glare of the other boy. "Feeling better now?"
"I– Yeah? Yeah, I actually am."
"That's good."
They didn't linger for too long, especially when Steven's phone rang with Pearl on the other side, wondering where he'd gone. After assuring the gem that he'd be home soon, they climbed into the vehicle.
Lars trusted that the other boy was fit enough to drive as he sat down in the passenger while Lion occupied the entire back-seat. He turned his attention to the window as Steven started up the engine. The silence only lasted for so long until the other boy hummed a tune from Sadie Killer and the Suspects. He smiled and couldn't help but join in as they got on the road towards Beach City.
A/N: So, that concludes the end of this one-shot. I thought to continue on this piece because there are some things that I could add to it. Certain heart-to-heart moments that were left unsaid or only mentioned in passing. However, I'll let you be the judge of that.
Just leave a comment and tell me if you would like a second chapter. If not, that's fine too. I'm okay with either.