Thank you for your kind support and your kinds words of concern and otherwise.
My sentiments exactly, HomiesOverHoes. My boys mean the world to me and no one on earth comes before them, not even their dad, who I've been with for over twenty years.
Standard disclaimer.
A few nights later, I stood at Sam's door, my hand poised to knock.
I'd hung his drawing in my bedroom and studied it, every night before bed.
It reminded me of him. His laugh, his eyes, his warmth.
The fact of the matter is, I missed him. And I owed him an explanation, at the very least.
I wasn't ready for anything, but at least, it was a start.
I'd never opened up to any guy before, but something told me Sam was worth it. That he'd understand.
He lived by a preconceived code to protect himself. And so did I. And he needed to know why.
I knocked three times and waited.
I heard movement inside, and then a voice...a female voice.
"Someone's at your door, Sammy."
Sammy? I'd only ever heard his family call him that.
Did someone else know him as intimately?
The door opened, just as I was considering making my escape.
It was Regina. The ex-girlfriend that I'd met at the art show.
My body froze instantly.
I couldn't blink, move my lips, or walk away. I could only stare at her pretty face, her blue eyes and shiny red hair.
"Hi," she said. "You're Mercedes, right?" And then I became unstuck, for self-preservation's sake.
"Hi, Regina, I just wanted to talk to Sam about something. But he has company, so I'll come back later."
"He's in the shower," she said, with a hint of satisfaction in her voice. "We're going out for a bite to eat. But I'll tell him you stopped by."
I practically sprinted to the elevator, my stomach throbbing.
He had definitely moved on.
Maybe seeing Regina again, made him curious about rekindling something with her.
I lay on the couch, the TV turned to a random channel, a tub of ice cream melting in front of me.
I told myself, I shouldn't get upset over this.
I was the one who'd pushed him away.
Just because, I was now ready to open up to him, didn't mean that would fix, or even define our nonexistent relationship.
We were in limbo.
He was in limbo.
So I could understand him wanting to forget, and move on.
I thought I heard them walk by my door, joking and laughing, so I raised the volume on the television.
Not two minutes later, my phone buzzed on the coffee table.
Sam: Regina said you came by. It's not what you think, Mercedes.
Me: I'm not thinking anything.
Sam: Don't pretend. Not with me.
Me: Okay. How about this, I have no right to think anything.
Sam: True. But I still wanted you to know.
Me: Why?
Sam: You know why. How come you stopped by?
Me: It was nothing.
Sam: When it comes to you, Mercedes, it will never be nothing. It will always be something. BIG somethings that I'll always want to know about.
A shiver raced through me. Even the tone of his damn text message got to me.
Me: Get back to your friend. I'll catch you later.
Sam: Okay, but this is not over Miss Jones. I'll be talking to you...soon.
After eating a good chunk of that ice cream and watching a lame comedy, I decided to go to bed.
Apparently, my sappy button was fully charged tonight.
I realized, I was practically standing guard over Sam's purity...his damn virtue.
And I needed to cut that shit out.
Just because, I couldn't have him...at least, not according to his conditions...didn't mean that nobody else could, either.
So why did the very thought of him being with Regina...with any girl really...make it so fucking hard to breathe?
When I heard the knock at my door, I closed my eyes and made a silent wish, that it was Sam and not him, all at the same time.
As soon as I pulled the door open, he was there and he said,
"She's thinking about transferring her credits and coming to school here."
"So she can be closer to you?" I asked and moved aside to let him in.
His dark-wash jeans and messy hair didn't go unnoticed. Had Regina's fingers been in that hair?
"Who knows? Not sure I care," he said, and the heaviness in my chest lifted. "Anyway, I told her I'd show her around campus today. So, I did."
"And where is she now?" I sat back down on my couch.
"On her way home." He sat next to me. Close enough that our knees touched. "It's only a thirty minute drive. She could commute here easily, for classes."
I stared at the TV infomercial.
"And stay at your place whenever she needs to crash?" I know, I was being petty, but I just couldn't help myself. He elbowed me gently.
"Mercedes Jones, do I detect a certain tone in your voice?" I arched an eyebrow.
"What tone?" I was so full of shit, right now and he knew it. He turned to face me.
"Five words or less...how did you feel when Regina opened my door?" I fumbled with the remote.
"I felt nothing." 'You're such a shitty liar,' my thoughts threw at me.
"Really?" A crooked grin draped his lips. He wasn't letting this go anytime soon.
"Let me see if I can help you out. I think you felt the same way I did, when I heard how Matt talked to you at the shop, or when you were standing at the door in your pajamas, with Brody."
Heat splashed across my cheeks.
"And how's that?" I mumbled. He inched closer and fused his eyes to mine.
"Surprised . . . curious . . . PISSED . . . jealous, jealous, jealous."
"You're bending the rules Evans, that's six words." He arched an eyebrow.
"I thought I'd let you borrow one." I felt an electric current coursing through me.
"Why?" He smirked.
"If you can't say it out loud, then I'd be helping you out."
My fingers fisted the blanket.
All at once he grew serious, his eyes large and sincere.
"Why did you stop over tonight?" His voice was soft, like a caress.
"I...I owe you an explanation for the other night."
"No, you don't. I scared you, and I'm still sick about it."
"You did scare me," I said, and his head dropped. "But not in the way you think." He looked up at me.
"How, then?"
"The way you were talking to me..." I took a deep breath. "...It brought up some memories I had locked away."
"Shit!" He rushed his fingers through his hair. "I'm so sorry."
"No, Sam. It's not like I thought you'd hurt me," I said and then cleared my throat. "Actually, I've never felt safer with anyone else."
His breath hitched in the back of his throat.
He raised his fingers to touch me, but then dropped his hand.
"You are safe with me, Mercedes."
"It's an idea I need to get used to," I admitted. He nodded and then sat back, waiting on me.
He became so still...as if he'd dissolved into the furniture, afraid to even stir the air. Afraid I'd changed my mind about talking to him.
But I wouldn't...not tonight.
"When I was sixteen, my mom had a boyfriend named Tom, who was a cop." When I looked at Sam, his eyes were wide and intense. I went on.
"I always got the feeling, he was checking me out, or looking at me in a different kind of way. The way he should be looking at my mom."
Sam put his fist to his lips, but remained silent.
"He took an interest in me...in my schoolwork, my activities...he like he was trying to build my trust. When I started dating Brian, my first love, Tom acted strange. Almost jealous."
Sam reached for my hand and I offered it willingly, even though I was ashamed, of what I would tell him next.
Revealing this to him, was like stripping the nerves from my body, one strand at a time.
It was painful, and nearly impossible for me to speak about and scary as hell.
What if he didn't believe me, either?
I shook those thoughts away.
He was not my mother. And he certainly wasn't Tom.
There were few people in this world I trusted...and Sam was quickly making the short list.
He had somehow embedded himself beneath my skin, made me feel secure and protected, and here I was, telling him one of my deepest, darkest secrets.
The flip side of telling him was, it felt necessary. Because saying it out loud, made it more real.
And would help clear the shadowy corners of my soul. At least, I hoped it would.
My breaths came out in sputtering gasps. Was I brave enough to do this?
"Hey, Mercedes, it's okay. You don't have to tell me anything." He tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. His scent wrapped around me like a warm blanket.
"Yeah, actually, I do. If not for you, then for me."
He nodded in understanding, as his fingers grazed my cheek. I decided to go on.
"Tom and Mom drank a lot together and I wondered sometimes, if he was trying to get her drunk enough to pass out." I sucked in a deep breath. "Tom started coming into my room, in the middle of the night. It began innocently enough. He'd feign being drunk and crash next to me, or he'd just rub my back, or stroke my hair. I never had a real dad, so in some twisted way, it felt kind of nice. Like maybe, something a real dad would do."
Sam was holding on to my hand for dear life, anticipating what I'd say next. But his face remained neutral.
"But then, things changed. He started talking dirty to me. I was a...a virgin, and he found that out just by...by touching me. And I became afraid of him. He had this way of threatening me, while keeping a calm voice and a straight face."
"Fuck, Mercedes." Sam jumped up and started pacing. "I want to kill that bastard."
Hearing him say that, gave me the courage I needed to go on.
He did believe me, and deep down, I had always known he would. I was just too chicken to admit it.
I waited for him to get over his initial shock.
He took a few deep breaths and then sat back down.
"I'm sorry. Please, I want to hear the rest," he muttered.
"I had this great boyfriend, and we were getting serious. I wanted my first time to be with Brian. Not Tom."
Sam cringed and I felt my pulse becoming more erratic.
"I mean, I knew that bastard would be taking something I wasn't offering. He'd be stealing it from me. So technically, he wouldn't have been my first."
"Fucking scumbag," Sam mumbled to himself.
"This one night, I had a feeling Tom was going to make it happen. My mom got sloppy drunk and I heard him telling her stuff about me. That I was dressing like a whore and that my boyfriend was a loser. He was setting the scene, turning my mother against me. I knew she'd never believe me over him, anyway. She was blindly in love with him."
Sam squeezed his eyes shut, anticipating the rest.
"So I hid a pair of scissors under my mattress. When he came into my room that night, I acted like I wanted him to be there, so I could catch him off guard."
I gulped in several breaths, to keep my voice steady.
"When he was really...getting into it, I reached for the scissors. I could have killed him, Sam. And damn! I wanted to. But I told myself, I was only going to scare him."
"God, Mercedes, he could have overpowered you and used the scissors on you instead."
"I knew that going in," I said, tears burning my eyes. "But I was willing to take that risk...over getting raped."
I watched as Sam's chest moved up and down in harsh breaths.
He cupped my cheeks, his eyes wide, fear coursing through them.
"I told him in a calm voice, that my boyfriend had found out about him. And since Brian's father was the mayor, he was threatening to tell him."
When Sam's eyes locked on mine, I saw something different there.
Something like admiration, or maybe respect.
For the sixteen-year-old girl, who had taken matters into her own hands...who knew at that point, she'd be completely on her own.
I was in awe of her, too. For being so brave...so self-possessed.
It was one of the reasons, I still held on to her values, her ideals, her beliefs, so fiercely now.
"Anyway, I told Tom, that if Brian hadn't heard from me by midnight, he was going to tell his father everything. And that stunned the hell out of him."
My tears spilled over at this point, and I couldn't wipe them away fast enough. But Sam did...or at least tried to.
God! He was so amazing.
I touched his cheek and looked directly into his pretty green eyes. They were full of emotions...each warring with the other.
And an unusual feeling spread through me, right at that moment. I closed my eyes for a bit, at the overwhelming feeling and resumed my story.
"Whilst I had the creep in thought, I used that opportunity to stab him in the arm. I didn't go deep, but deep enough. And I warned him to never fucking touch me again."
My body was shaking now, and Sam pulled me onto his lap, his strong arms bracing me from behind. He covered us with the blanket and held me, while I sobbed and trembled, as I relived that night in my memory.
Getting it out again, after all of these years, felt like a release.
It was liberating and terrifying all at once.
"I'm so sorry that happened to you." Sam kissed my head and whispered my name again and again, until finally there were no tears left and I sagged into his chest.
"You're so strong. So brave," he whispered. He lifted me from the couch, and my arms cradled his neck. "Let me take care of you tonight."
He carried me to bed, gently pulled back the covers, and then tucked me in.
He sat near the edge and stroked my head.
"I will stay until you fall asleep."
I felt safe and calm when Sam was around, and I didn't want to be alone tonight.
When I looked up at him, I saw that he was staring at his drawing, which I'd hung on the far wall.
He brought my fingers to his lips and kissed the palm of my hand.
I lifted back the covers to invite him in.
"Please, Sam..." His eyebrows drew together.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. I want to feel you next to me, again."
He stripped down to his boxers, slid in behind me, and wrapped me against his chest.
"Shhh..." he said, at the sound of renewed sniffles. I felt warm and protected in his arms.
We didn't speak for a while.
Only listened to each other's soft breaths.
I could feel his heartbeat against my back. It was a strong, steady rhythm.
"Mercedes?" he started. "Your plan worked, didn't it?"
"Yes...to some extent. Tom left that same night, but my mom always blamed me for him walking out."
"Your mom didn't believe you?" he asked through gritted teeth.
I shook my head, not surprised at his anger.
My mother was a piece of work.
Her denial sealed it for me.
I knew I'd have to handle everything solo. And that it wouldn't be easy.
"What about Brian?"
"He didn't know all of it. I didn't want him to. But it sure made our first time together uncomfortable. I just shut down on him. He didn't understand what happened. We broke up after that."
Sam tightened his hold on me.
"You still wanted to lose your virginity...so soon after all of that?"
"It's hard to explain. I didn't want to disappoint Brian...I still wanted to share that with him. And I thought it might help me somehow. Help me forget about Tom. It just didn't turn out quite the way I'd planned."
"Oh, Mercedes." He kissed my hair. "I hope you realize how amazing you are."
His arms were strong and unyielding and I relished his warmth, as I caught my breath again.
"After that, something just snapped inside of me. I told myself, that no one would have that kind of control over me again," I said, my voice gaining momentum. "I'd be in charge of my own life...including my sex life. And no guy was worth losing myself again."
I'd been a mess for weeks after.
Skipping school and chugging mom's beer, completely at a loss, for how to gather the pieces of myself, that had been scattered everywhere.
But it was my brother Adrian, who saved me.
Along with Marley, who was going through her own grief, over her brother's death.
She'd told me, she needed me, as much as I needed her.
But Adrian. God! Adrian.
He knew something was up with me, and as I began to unravel right before him, I saw his confidence in me falter.
There was fear in his eyes, and confusion, too. And I knew I couldn't desert him. Couldn't make him feel, as alone as I'd felt.
He was just a kid and desperately needed to believe in someone. And for someone to believe in him, too.
And I was that person for him. Always had been. Always would be...for as long as he needed me to be.
Sam remained silent, as if considering everything I'd told him.
Maybe, he'd finally understand and decide to walk away.
And I'd have to accept that. Even though, I wasn't sure, that's what I wanted anymore.
"I know it doesn't make total sense, but it's how I got through my days," I said to him.
"It makes perfect sense," he said, sadness in his voice. "Thank you for telling me."
Sam held me close, until our breaths fell into a similar pattern and sleep finally consumed us.
Whew! That was a little deep, but she got through it and Sam...he didn't disappoint. Both need healing and both need each other. What do you think?