CHAPTER 5

I know that I this was going to be a tips guide for surviving high school, and while it will still mostly be that, I'm going to make a second tips guide, this one about how to become a masked vigilante with your new superpowers. I cannot believe I just said that.

So while I'll still mostly be talking about how to make it through high school, expect me to occasionally talk about my experiences as a new crimefighter. So from here on out, I'll be labeling my tips guides as High School Tips and Superhero Tips. Just a heads up before I continue my adventure through the living hell we call life.

With that out of the way, where does my adventure as a superhero begin? First and foremost, I need to come up with a name.

SUPERHERO TIP #1: Make sure your name is unique. You want to make sure you have your own identity, and aren't just copying someone else.

I've been engraved in the concept of superheroes all my life, and in the world of comic books, it's easy to name yourself "simple word"-"man." That is boring. So take a piece of paper (or type on a computer if you have dysgraphia) and start writing down various names to give you options on words every possible name that comes to mind, and hopefully you'll come up with a name that doesn't end in "-man" or "-woman."

Deciding what to base your name (and costume) around can be a bit difficult. Often superheroes in comics choose a name based on the source of their power, though if you got your power from a mutated goat bite, then the name "the Goat" might not be in your best interest.

I decide to start with a spider as the basis for my name, though that might be a bit off-putting for arachnophobes. I decide they can suck it up, and start writing down possible names.

It's been five minutes, and for some reason all I can think of is "Spider-Man." But I've decided that I'm not pulling that cliché.

After twenty minutes of thinking, here's what I have down: "the Spider," "the Human Spider," "the Amazing Spider," "Arachnid," "Insect-Eater" (that one is admittedly pretty terrible), "the Mutant Spider," "Web Crawler," and "Spidey."

I say these names over and over again, and they all sound horrible.

I suppose "the Human Spider" will do as a place holder.

The next step: finding a costume.

Obviously, you probably won't have Tony Stark-level money for your first costume, so set realistic expectations. It's your first costume; it doesn't have to be fancy. When Reed Richards was trapped in an alternate dimension with freaky new powers, he salvaged parts from spare containment suits to make the first costumes for him and his friends. (I read that in his book My Time in the Negative Zone: A Journey of Hope and Family, which I highly recommend.) Those costumes looked horrible and cheaply made, but it was all he could manage at the time.

Luckily, I have something available to me that Reed Richards didn't: .

SUPERHERO TIP #2: When trying to gather costume pieces, Amazon is your best friend.

Now the only challenge is actually deciding what I want the suit to look like.

When designing your suit, I recommend you choose TWO primary colors, as that simplifies everything. Also, if you don't know how to sew, you're probably going to be buying most of your suit pieces separately. So be realistic with that.

I used to draw my own superheroes when I was younger, so I'm looking through a bunch of them. (I was never a good artist, but looking back, they look pretty good for a five year old.) I come across one that catches my eye: red and blue, with big goggles covering a face mask.

Quick flashback: I remember drawing this one in the middle of preschool after getting put in "time out" by my teacher for saying something offensive about another kid. (To be fair, I didn't mean anything offensive from it.) So I drew this one while I was crying in the corner. I still cringe about that moment to this day.

Still, the design looks cool, so I'll build from that. And I just realized I am basing my superhero suit after a drawing I made while crying ten years.

I search on Amazon, and with a budget of about 50 dollars, I manage to buy a red hoodie, blue sweat pants, red balaclava hood, swimming goggles, and blue fingerless gloves.

All of that under 50 dollars, which is why Amazon is the best.

"Peter!"

My body shivers, and I shut my laptop, paranoid. Aunt May walks in without knocking. (Quick tip to parents: always knock before entering your kid's room.)

"Peter, have you finished your homework?" she asks.

"Well…. no. But I will in a minute, so please-"

"Do it now."

I choose to not argue with her about this.

HIGH SCHOOL TIP #12: Don't argue with your parent/guardian about homework. It won't get you anywhere.

"What subjects do you have homework in?"

"Spanish, Algebra, and English. I can do biology in study hall tomorrow."

"Do Spanish, please. You said you were struggling in that class."

She leaves, and I reluctantly log on to Duolingo, where most of my Spanish homework is. As far as foreign language sites go, it's not bad. But it's not good, either, especially when you get countless emails from them. (I've counted around fifteen emails just from the first week.) This has actually sparked a bunch of memes, which I didn't understand until now. Yes, the memes are basically 100% true.

As I try going through my online Spanish lessons, I feel my phone buzz in my pocket. It's a text from Harry.

Do you have anyone you want to take to homecoming?

Yes, I do. But I'm not asking her out.

No, I text back.

I'm contemplating asking out Mary Jane Watson. Should I?

I can't tell if he's serious about asking out the "most popular" girl in our class, or if he's being sarcastic. Knowing her, she probably already has a date. Or several dates, assuming this one falls through. She's one of the kind of girl who ALWAYS needs to be dating someone, and will cycle out between boyfriends on a monthly basis. Attractive? Sure. But she's not my type.

For all I know, she isn't even aware of me or Harry's existence, so I don't see any chance he's actually going to ask her.

Do what you want, I text back.

HIGH SCHOOL TIP #13: Don't make a big deal out of relationships or school drama. In the end it's just a big headache.

My package containing my costume arrives in one week. And I anticipate my first mission.