CHAPTER 6

So my package arrived, and most everything fits, though the hoodie is a tad bit small. And while it looks like a 15 year-old's cheap attempt at a cosplay, it'll get me by for now. It's currently in my backpack, so hopefully I can keep in hidden. Then again, if it gets confiscated and checked, I'll have a lot of explaining to do.

But I'm currently stuck in geography class, waiting until the end of school so I can go forward with my first superhero "mission." But in the meantime, I'll try to pay attention.

Unfortunately, the kid next to me is listening to hard bass rap music with his AirPods, so paying attention is going to difficult.

I know this is going to sound overly judgemental, but I cannot stand the phenomenon of AirPods. This could just be that I'm annoyed with Apple for removing the headphone jack on their phones (and that I'm too poor to afford the new products), but there seems to be an underlying douchiness that goes along with having AirPods in all the time. I understand just having them to listen to music occasionally, but when you have them in all the time, it doesn't come across very attractive.

The second point I have to make is my disdain for hard bass rap music. In the past few years, hip hop has been on the rise, and everyone in my generation is blasting it at parties, in their car, and with AirPods in. To me, it all sounds monotone and ear-grading. I'm probably just out of the loop with this, but this hip hop phenomenon just seems irritating to me.

Anyway, the kid next to me is listening to some hard bass rap music with his AirPods in, and I can clearly hear every lyric.

"Hey… um, do you mind?" I ask. He doesn't her me. I suppose I'll have to tough it out.

HIGH SCHOOL TIP #13: If the kid next to you has AirPods in, and it's loud enough to where you can hear it, don't even bother.

Luckily, my geography teacher is very laid-back, so learning isn't hard or tedious. Today we're learning about propaganda in certain countries, and how it is used to shape our mindset. Apparently the only reason Captain Steve Rogers became a costumed super soldier was for propaganda purposes, and now he's known as a war hero. The more you know.

So school finally ends, and I am ready for my first outing as the Human Spider.

And by "outing" I mean patiently waiting in the bathroom for some kids to come in and start vaping, so I can pop out and bust them. Not exactly an Iron Man-level threat, but everyone has to start somewhere.

SUPERHERO TIP #3: Start small with your first mission. DON'T try and take on mob bosses right off the bat.

I've been waiting for around twenty minutes in the bathroom stall, and nobody has came in yet.

I just realized how hot it gets after twenty minutes of wearing a mask and goggles, and it's also hard to breathe. So keep that in mind when designing your costume.

I decide to take my mask off until someone comes, and I look around in the grossly sanitized bathroom.

Okay, this is very off topic and kind of uncomfortable, but I think this is a topic that absolutely needs to be addressed: bathroom sanitation.

Ever since I've been going to school, I've noticed the vast majority of boys don't flush the urinals. What is so hard about flushing a urinal? It also makes me want to vomit when I see chewed gum in the urinal. There's a damn trashcan a few feet away, and yet you spit it out in the urinal.

I just don't understand.

While I have never been in the girl's bathroom (well, actually there was one time in first grade, but I don't want to talk about that), I assume that the behavior is a lot better in there than in the boys. Public bathrooms is the reason that I sometimes wish I were a girl.

HIGH SCHOOL TIP #14: Flush the urinal after you use it. It's disgusting when you don't. And don't spit gum into it, either.

After twenty-five minutes of sitting in the stall, I hear a group of boys enter the bathroom, laughing like imbeciles. On instinct, I put on my mask, and walk out of the stall.

I look at the potential vapers, and see that they're all on the football team. (No surprise.) They look weirded out at my costume.

"Vaping in the bathroom again, I presume?"

One of them speaks. "Were you hiding out in the stall waiting for us to come in?"

"...maybe. Look, just hand over the vapes, and we can pretend this never happened."

"We're not vaping. Who are you, anyway?"

I still can't believe I'm doing this. "The Human Spider," I say.

"You look like a middle school cosplayer."

We just stare each other down for a few moments. This is awkward.

To increase the awkwardness, I speak again. "Guys, I'm not judging you if you're vaping, but please don't do it at school, okay?"

"We're not vaping, dork."

"How can I know that?"

"Just get out."

"What are you doing in here-"

The kid starts to move toward me, intimidatingly.

"OKAY! I'll leave…" I awkwardly walk past them, and out of the bathroom, careful that nobody saw me.

Well, that didn't go as planned.

SUPERHERO TIP #5: You'll probably humiliate yourself on your first outing. And that's okay. Just keep trying.

I just realized that is the most generic advice ever. Oh well.