When Sam woke up, he could hear Gabriel doing something out of sight, probably cooking. His mouth was dry and he really wanted a glass of water, but there was something else he needed to do more.
A dizzy spell hit him when he tried to stand up, but he remembered something he hadn't done in a long time, so when he was sure he could stand up without falling over, he made his way over to where his laptop was sitting on the table.
It didn't take more than a minute to find the webpage of the bank he'd used while attending Stanford, but it did take him exponentially longer to remember what his password was without getting locked out.
It was an account he'd started adding to when he and Jess had started dating, but after she'd died, he'd pretended it had never existed. He hadn't even told Dean about the secret bank account. When one had only exactly what one needed to survive, putting a little aside in the hope of a better future had made sense.
And as he read the five digit account balance, he realized that it had paid off, even if he couldn't spend it on the exact thing he'd originally opened it for. "Hey, Gabriel?" Sam's voice cracked around the duel syllabic name and he swallowed hard. With the passive aggressive gift giving from all of Gabriel's older brothers, and the fact that it felt like he was spending as much time with Gabriel's brothers as with Gabriel, he couldn't help but wonder if he was overstepping his bounds. But who knew what the future held. Or what Gabriel might think.
The number on the screen blinked, taunting him. "Gabriel?" he repeated, louder. With perfect clarity he could recall Gabriel mentioning that Mikha and Heylel had said something about wanting him in their family regardless of how Gabriel's relationship with him went and it made him swallow even harder as he felt guilt. "Gabriel, I need to talk to you."
"I'm right here, Samalam." And he was. At some point Gabriel had walked in and was standing directly in front of Sam. Sam didn't think Gabriel had flown, hadn't heard the sound of wings, but he definitely couldn't remember the archangel walking in. "Sam, are you alright?" He was holding a glass of water, but otherwise nothing.
"I love you," Sam stated, reaching, uncertain of whether he was reaching for the cup or for Gabriel himself. "I love your family, but I love you more."
"Sam?"
"I don't know why all your brothers gave me more bedding than I've ever owned in my life or what they expect from me in return. And I don't know… I don't know why Mikha and Heylel told you that they wanted me to join their flock regardless of whether or not you and I have a mate bond, but I don't want… I'm not trying to replace you. And I need you to know that I'm not cheating on you with Mikha and Heylel, I don't know why Mikha wants to spend so much time in coffee shops, but Gabriel they're pregnant and you don't tell pregnant people no. "
Gabriel titled his head. "I'm sorry, Sam, I'm not understanding. Do you think that I think you're cheating on me with Michael and Heylel?"
"I spend so much time with them, isn't that the logical conclusion? And I want to do something nice for them, they've both been having such a hard time with morning sickness and cravings lately, but I was wondering if you'd think it was too grandiose when I can't even find you a better place to sleep than this."
Gabriel put the glass of water on the table next to the laptop, and then sat down on Sam's lap so that he could hug his beautiful but incredibly confused boyfriend. " Sam . You could choose to sleep on the street or in a gutter and I'd still sleep next to you because I love you . I don't know what Aziraphale may or may not have said, but it absolutely does not matter to me at all that this is what you currently call home because it's just a place, Sam. You are flock . To all of us. That's the most important thing. So why don't you tell me what you were thinking about treating Mikha and Heylel to, and I'll tell you whether or not I think they'd like it?"
Sam sniffled and leaned forward to nuzzle at Gabriel's shoulder. "Do you think they'd like a couple's retreat at a pregnancy spa?"
"I think they would both be absolutely joyed by that kind of a surprise. Why don't you book it for the beginning of June, and I'll clear it with Raph?" Gabriel kissed his boyfriend on the cheek. "Do you want to talk about why you want to do this for them?"
Sam worried his lip, then nodded towards the computer screen. "Jess and I were engaged, and we'd talk about whether or not we wanted children someday (yes) and I read everything I could about pregnancy. And I'd decided, right from the beginning, that even if we couldn't afford a lot, I was going to treat her to a spa day that would be safe for the baby. I know you and I haven't talked about whether or not we want children, but your older brothers are pregnant and I want to do this."
Gabriel hugged Sam. "That's very thoughtful of you."
The last few weeks of May flew by relatively quickly for Sam. Between hunting with Dean and going on dates with Gabriel, it seemed as though he was always busy with one thing or another. And he'd never been happier. If anything, he couldn't imagine being any happier. This was the life he'd never imagined it was possible to have. He didn't have to choose between hunting and his significant other and he wasn't really putting Gabriel in danger with his hunting lifestyle because Gabriel was an immortal being who could definitely hold his own.
Sam saw plenty of the other archangels too, though Raphael was the one he saw the least of, which made perfect sense to Sam because the healer was likely busy making preparations for the birth of Mikha and Heylel's child, or so Sam assumed.
The archangel he saw the most of was Mikha. Sometimes he was in the company of Heylel, and sometimes by himself, but most of the times he dropped by was to ask Sam to ply him with coffee shop pastries. There would still be no convincing Sam that Mikha wasn't pregnant, but the archangel had seemed a little more emotional lately so Sam had decided that at the very least, he could try to offer what support he could,since it seemed Mikha was convinced he had to single-handedly support the rest of his flock.
It wasn't a surprise and it didn't bother him that he almost never saw Castiel when the archangel was not in the presence of Dean. Even though neither had said anything outright, Sam was about 95% sure they were dating, even if Dean's head was so far up his ass he hadn't figured it out yet. It was none of his business and he didn't care, beyond being happy for his older brother.
What did come as a surprise, was at the end of May when Castiel showed up in the same vicinity as Sam at a time when Sam was sure Cas had just been with Dean.
Sam was sitting at a coffee shop picking through the deserts Mikha had only moments before abandoned in favor of returning to Heaven when Castiel appeared in Mikha's recently vacated spot.
"Cas?" Sam blinked at the archangel. "What brings you by?"
"I asked Dean if he had told you, but his answer was that it was none of your business, one way or the other. I'm inclined to disagree, if only because you and Dean are the human equivalent of flock ."
Sam was pretty sure he knew what Castiel was talking about, but decided that Castiel would make a lot more sense if he wasn't being so vague. "What isn't any of my business?"
"I am trying to court Dean." Sam raised an eyebrow. He was used to the almost archaic way of speaking most of the archangels used when discussing things like mate bonds and dating. But Cas must have mistaken Sam's raised eyebrow because he said, "Do humans not say that anymore? I meant dating, I think."
"We do call it dating these days, rather than courting. But I think that maybe the difference between the two is significant enough that the word courting would fit."
"Perhaps. Anyway, Dean said your opinion was irrelevant, but angelic tradition insists that it is proper to discuss the developing relationship with the other flock members of the desired mate, especially in cases where the smaller flock is completely joined into the larger flock. Which I guess is the case here because Gabriel isn't the only one who wants you to join our flock."
"Where are you going with this?" Sam thought he understood what Cas was saying, but he wished his friend would speak in clearer terms.
"I want your permission to pursue a matebond with Dean Winchester. Dean as much as said he doesn't need it, but I would ask for your okay."
Archaic relationships. Sam couldn't help but imagine Castiel, or even Gabriel, asking John Winchester for permission to marry his sons and he couldn't help the laughter of hysteria bubbling in his chest.
"I'm sorry," he croaked, finally seeing the hurt expression on Castiel's face. "I'm not laughing at you, and of course you have my permission, even though as Dean said, you don't need it because it's none of my business. I'm laughing because I'm imagining you or Gabriel asking Dad for our hands in marriage, when he'd sooner fry you both in holy oil."
"Wasn't John Winchester not part of your flock, as our father was not part of ours? Michael and our siblings raised all of us, he's the flock leader, with Heylel. Is Dean not your flock leader?"
Sam blinked. "Bobby Singer," he said, almost without realizing it. "He's been more like a parent to us than John ever was."
Cas nodded. "Michael and Heylel mentioned wanting to visit him, I wonder if that's why."
Sam swallowed and scratched at his wrist. When had they last visited Bobby? What if he didn't take the visit from Mikha and Heylel well? He'd liked Cas well enough, but what if he decided he'd had enough of dealing with the apocalypse and divine beings? What if he-
"Sam? Your heart rate and blood pressure have spiked significantly, are you okay?"
Castiel's words cut Sam off from his spiraling train of thought and he blinked at the angel as he tried to calm down. The archangels would have said something before they would have run off to see Bobby. Asked if either of the Winchester boys wanted to go with them. Right? He counted mentally as he tried to get his nerves under control. One. Two. Take a breath. Three. Four. Five. Why did it hurt to breath? Ifanything had happened, Bobby would have called them. He would have called them. He hoped . He had to believe that. His thoughts spiraled. What if he hadn't? What if. What if he couldn't? What if Bobby couldn't call them because something had happened, and he wasn't able to. He couldn't.
The world around him, outside of his own mind became blurred and indistinct.
"Sam?"
"Sorry- I'm sorry." Sam coughed. Bobby hadn't tried to do anything to Mikha and Heylel, had he? Circles of holy fire disoriented the angels at the best of times, what would they do to pregnant archangels? Was that why Mikha's morning sickness had been worse lately? And Heylel-
"What is going on-"
He'd stopped counting. He needed to ground himself. Right? Nine. Ten. Eleven. Try and take another breath. Why couldn't he breath? His lungs didn't seem to be working. His hands felt clammy, his throat was tight. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Nothing seemed to be working. He couldn't. He didn't seem to be able to. His throat began to climb it's way up his throat. Fifteen. Sixteen. He couldn't.
Sam threw up.
Someone had hastily conjured a bucket so Sam did not throw up on the table, but that didn't stop him from sinking down in embarrassment.
"Sam, what happened?" Gabriel asked.
The bucket disappeared and Sam reached for his glass of water while pointedly not looking at his boyfriend. He had no idea when Gabriel had suddenly appeared next to him, but since he'd been the one to speak while he'd been spiraling, probably about then.
What even had happened? Sam wondered. Or at least, what did Gabriel, or Cas, think had happened? "I panicked," he said. "It's fine, I'm fine. You can go back to your Very Important Work."
He missed the time when he'd been able to take anti-anxiety medication, but that was a luxury he couldn't afford. Not without Dean getting unnecessarily involved and he couldn't stand the thought of suffering through more of Dean's distrust. He just couldn't .
Gabriel might have said something but Sam wasn't sure. His head felt like it was surrounded by fog and he just felt sick.
"Sam, did you ever have any panic or anxiety attacks before the one in Heaven?"
Sam shrugged. "In college, sure. Jess made me see a psychiatrist and I was on medication for awhile. It helped. But then Jess died and I left Stanford and Dean couldn't know ."
"So you just went cold turkey off whatever you'd been taking?"
"It was a bad idea," Sam admitted. "But I dealt with it and got through it."
"You shouldn't have had to." Gabriel sighed and took a look at the desserts on the table. "Are you ready to go? Is there anything here you want?"
Sam shook his head. Taking the goodie bags of Mikha's leftovers had started making him feel guilty and he wasn't sure why. "Mikha should have them. And yes, I am ready to go."
Gabriel flew them back to their current motel. Cas was nowhere to be seen and Sam felt guilder about causing him to leave. Sam had landed so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed and he was glad because he was sure that he would have fallen if he'd tried to stand.
"Would you want to talk to Raphael about maybe getting a new medication for your anxiety? I'm sure he could create something that would be designed for your physiology."
Sam shifted and laid back on the bed. What did he want? He didn't necessarily want to need medication to function normally, but he also knew better than to assume he could make the anxiety stop without it. But what would Dean say?
Maybe as long as he told Dean the truth and didn't lie about it, maybe Dean would be happy that he was happy and healthier?
"No promises," Sam said. "But maybe I could just talk to Raphael about it? There's nothing wrong with just talking."
"You're absolutely right about that." Gabriel turned. "Would you be up for babysitting Sami for a few hours? I imagine you're exhausted, but Sami is too and it sounds like he's fighting naptime." Gabriel smiled sadly. "He's been like this for weeks now. He's been going on about lonely and hurt children, but at the same time, he's also clearly not talking about Heylel's baby, so none of us can figure out why he's so distraught. But it's starting to reach the point of affecting Mikha and Heylel and the baby so if we could give them a break, they'd appreciate it."
"Okay."
Sam had barely gotten himself ready for bed by the time Gabriel returned with the agitated fledgling.
"Hey, Sami," Sam said.
The fledgling grinned and jumped on the bed as soon as Gabriel put him down. "Sam!" Sami settled in the hunter's lap and Gabriel joined them.
"Do you want me to tell you a story?" Gabriel asked when Sam and the fledgling looked as settled as they were going to get.
"No naps!" Sami shouted.
"No naps," Sam agreed. "But we are going to sit here quietly because I had a long day, and I'd like to hear Gabriel's story."
"Okay."
It came as no surprise when both the human and the fledgling were sound asleep before Gabriel had been speaking for more than a minute.
"If you wanted to go, I could keep an eye on them until they wake up," Raphael offered when he dropped by a few hours into the nap.
"I was hoping you could spare a few minutes to talk to Sam later. He had an anxiety attack while he was talking to Castiel earlier and mentioned that he took something for them in college, but hasn't since."
"I might have a few ideas, but are you sure he even wants to be medicated? Or that he'd want me to do it?" Raphael asked. "I'm not drugging anyone who isn't walking into it with both eyes open. Not again ."
"I didn't say anything about drugging. I asked him if he'd want to talk to you if you were up for it, and he said yes. Besides, Rafa . You're the only one who hasn't decided whether or not you like him yet."
"I gave him a token, just like everyone else. What more do you want from me? Your already have a majority."
"I want your honest opinion, Rafa," Gabe said. "Not what you think I want to hear. Cas has known him the longest and can't get through an entire conversation with him without causing a panic attack. Mikha and Heylel are really biased because of the pregnancy hormones and Crowley is going to pick whatever's in his twin's best interest. And I think Azi drugged Sam, but whatever he learned from it seems to have pleased him, but that doesn't mean his is the opinion I value the most."
"What more do you need to know?" Raphael asked. "You're in love, Sam's love, he's good with Sami, he's not going to hurt you, and he's not afraid of dealing with a pregnant Heylel. And even if he is incorrectly convinced that Mikha is pregnant, I don't see any problems with that unless he's only being good for them because he thinks they're pregnant."
"Rafa, it's been almost two months and Mikha's and Heylel's surprise visits have all gone well. No one is that good at acting."
Raphael turned his head, his gaze turning to Sami, who was sleeping peacefully in Sam's lap. "Do you know how long I was in a relationship with the seraph that assaulted me?"
Gabriel swallowed and shook his head.
"A century. An entire century. And not once did I ever suspect that there was anything wrong." Raphael shifted, huddling in on himself. "I know I have to deliver Heylel's baby, I know that, but what if I can't? I was so scared when I gave birth. I had to hide, and I couldn't tell anyone and it hurt so much, Gabby."
Gabriel looked down, glad that Raphael wasn't looking at him. "You can do it, Rafa." The You have to , went unspoken. There was literally no one else who could deliver an angelic baby.
"Thanks, Gabby."
When Sam woke up from his nap, Gabriel and Samandriel were both gone. But sitting by the wall was the archangel he had met the least. Raphael. He sat up. "Dean was always telling Cas how creepy it was that he'd watch us sleep, but I have to admit that I'm a little surprised to see you here."
"All of my brothers are happy, and I want very little more than that. I swear that if you hurt any of them I will kill you, oath to do no harm be damned."
"I… wasn't planning on hurting any of them?"
"Good, that's good." The archangel nodded. "Gabriel said you wanted to talk to me about something, but it'll have to wait because I need to be getting back to Heaven to check on Heylel. But there's also something I would like you to do for me."
"Uh, sure. What do you need?"
"I want you to teach my son, Samandriel, to swim."