AN: This chapter contains a brief discussion of Raphael's sexual assault, so please be warned.
It turned out that what Raphael had meant was not that he literally wanted Sam to teach Sami how to swim. Later, Gabriel explained that what Raphael really wanted was to see for himself that the hunter wasgood for the fledgling. Raphael had been through a lot in the last six millenia, and he was just trying to do what was right for his fledgling.
Raphael had ended up agreeing that the spa week Sam had suggested for Michael and Heylel was a really good idea. None of them knew how long a typical archangel pregnancy was supposed to last, and there would come a point when it wouldn't be safe for them to continue leaving Heaven.
So the two eldest archangels were surprised by Sam sending them "somewhere" for a getaway retreat at the beginning of June.
"I borrowed a waterpark," Gabriel said on Saturday when there was half a week left of the spa retreat. "Raphael deserves a break himself, so as much as this is for Sami, it's for him too."
They went to the waterpark on Sunday. Dean and Castiel thought it would be fun to join them, and there was a hotel on the premises where they could all stay.
"Good morning," Raphael said when he and Sami met the at the pool on Monday. Raphael was wearing shorts and a t-shirt and Sami looked like a normal six year old with red swim trunks and blue arm floaties with fishes on them. The only thing unusual was his pale green wings, but Gabriel had promised no one would be able to notice and he'd rented out the entire park.
Sami was holding Raphael's hand and as soon as he saw Sam, had pulled away and ran towards the adult. "Sam!" he shouted.
Sam crouched, holding out his arms for the fledgling to jump into. "Hey Kiddo," he said, picking Samandriel up. "How are you?"
"I'm great!" Sami answered.
"Are you excited to go swimming?"
Sami's grin faded as he looked over Sam's shoulder at the pool. "That's a big bath." His wings stirred in agitation. "No wet wings."
"I had an idea about that," Raphael said, walking towards them. "Do you want me to put a waterproofing ward on your wings?"
"You first," Sami said. "Please demonstrate?"
"I can do that. Sam? You'll need to close your eyes."
Sam knew why he had to close his eyes. Sami's were the only wings he could safely process without going blind, or worse. But that didn't stop it from aching when the blinding light scratched at his eyelids. He wanted to see Gabriel's true self, and maybe Gabriel's siblings, if only because the future implied he'd join their flock completely and he didn't even know them all entirely.
Maybe someday.
The light faded and Sami was giggling. Opening his eyes, he saw that there was a bit of water near Raphael's feet, but he appeared dry. So the ward must have worked.
"Does Sami need a life jacket?" Sam asked as Raphael traced an Enochian sigil on Sami's shoulder.
"I think it's a good idea," Raphael agreed. A second later Sami was wearing a life vest that was blue with detailing the same color as Sami's pale green wings.
"Are you ready to play in the water?" Sam asked.
"Yes! Down! Down!"
Sam let Sami down and the fledgling ran to the edge of the water before stopping right at the edge of the stairs into the water.
"Go on," Sam encouraged when Sami hesitated. "It's a nice temperature." Sam walked to the stairs and since the fledgling still hadn't descended into the water, he walked down the stairs.
Sami stared wide eyed at the submerged stairs then looked up at Sam.
"Can you put one toe in the water for me?" Sam asked. "It won't hurt you. Raphael and Gabriel are right over there and I'm right here, where I'm not going to let anything happen to you."
"Okay." Sami lifted his right foot and put just his toes in the water to test it. The water was a nice temperature and it didn't bite him, so he put his foot on the stairs. Then he took another step and another until he was in the water. He was tall enough to touch the bottom of the 3ft deep area, but with the life jacking he was floating a little higher up.
"Now what?" Sami asked.
"Now we teach you to swim."
Sami had more fun splashing around in the water than actually learning how to swim (which surprised no one) but they were having fun. Sam and Gabriel splashed around in the water with the fledgling and Raphael sat on the edge of the pool with his legs dangling in it while he watched them.
They spent the next few days swimming and going on water slides and generally exploring the park with at least one adult keeping a very close eye on Sami at all times.
Wednesday after lunch found Sam standing at the edge of the pool while Dean and Sami splashed around in it. Raphael was sitting cross-legged on the concrete a few meters away, staring unfocused at the sky. Sam had been considering whether or not he was ready to talk to Raphael about his anxiety, but he also didn't want to disturb the Healer so he was mostly ignoring him in favor of staring out along the water.
"Sam!"
Sam turned quickly when he heard his name. He couldn't place the tone Mikha was using, but he also knew that a moment ago neither Mikha or Heylel had been present. Both Michael and Heylel were standing further behind Raphael and they both looked radiant . And Mikha was running towards him.
The deck next to the water was wet and Sam's foot slipped. Surprised by Michael's quick movements towards him, he was unable to catch his balance as he slipped, and tumbled into the pool.
"Sam!" Dean . Panicked.
Sam's back hit the water, the impact forced the air out of his lungs, and he felt his head "crack" against the bottom of the pool in the shallow water he had fallen in. By the time he could remember how to breathe, his head was already submerged and he was inhaling water.
Sam could see Michael through the water and could not place his panicked expression. This was supposed to be a safe place. Were they under attack? He couldn't breathe, but he had to go help. Why was he sinking? Why was everything turning black?
Michael pulled Sam out of the water and laid him on his side on the deck. "Rafa? Is Sam okay?"
Raphael had started for the edge of the water as soon as Sam had tripped and knelt beside Sam. "Sam's going to be fine, but he's unconscious right this second so he's not okay yet." He placed a hand on Sam's chest to vanish the water he had inhaled and repair the damage done to his lungs and vocal cords by the chlorinated water. He also made sure the hunter didn't have a concussion from hitting his head.
Dean left Samandriel with Castiel and swam across the pool to the deck Sam was lying on and climbed out of the pool. "What the hell were you thinking," he growled at Michael, keeping his posture rigid but non-threatening because he wasn't about to scare the fledgling.
"Dean, stop," Sam mumbled as he blinked the dark spots out of his vision. He forced himself into a sitting position despite the dizziness it caused. "What happened?"
"You don't get to defend him, you nearly drowned. If Samandriel weren't here, I'd have stabbed him by now."
Sam bolted to his feet and stood unsteadily but firmly between Mikha and his brother. "You can't!"
"Why the fuck not? You could have drowned!"
"Dean, please settle down. I'm sure that Mikha meant Sam no harm. Sam, please sit down. I repaired the damage to your lungs, but you still almost drowned less than five minutes ago."
Dean pouted. "He hurt my brother!"
"And what do you suppose I might be capable of if you were capable of and intended to hurt one of mine?
Before anyone could say anything else that might worsen the arguing, Sam doubled over coughing. He couldn't breathe.
"Sam!"
Why was Dean shouting? Why was Dean always shouting?
"Go play with Sami, Dean," Sam insisted, even as he was gasping to fill his lungs with air. "You're disturbing the peace."
"But Sam-"
" Go ." Sam sat, still trying to breathe freely as his brother finally listened, still sulking, but wandered off to leave them alone.
Sam was finally managing to take in some regular breaths into his still sore lungs. Michael hugged Sam, which didn't surprise the human as much as it would have weeks earlier. "I'm sorry for causing you to fall in. I just wanted to thank you so much for sending us on that retreat. We had so much fun!"
Sam smiled. "Good!" He sighed. "Why don't you and Heylel go splash around awhile?"
"Okay, Sam." Michael let go of Sam and walked away.
Sam watched as Michael led his mate over to the part of the pool with the very shallow end so they were only ankle deep and then continued holding Heylel's hand as they splashed around. He looked out into the water and smiled. Everyone was having fun, and that made him happy because it meant that everything was going the way it was supposed to be going.
Raphael allowed Sam to sit in silence for awhile, but eventually it had to come to an end and he sat down beside the human.
Sam sent a curious and questioning look at the Healer. "Hey, Raph. What's up?"
"We haven't had much of an opportunity to chat, and I had hoped with this trip that we might be able to rectify that. My brother is very much in love with you and I don't see that changing, in which case I suppose the eventuality is that you'll join our flock, and I feel it is necessary to clear the air first."
"I hope that I haven't done anything to offend you? I had thought you were staying away because Mikha and Heylel needed your more focused attention."
"Yes, but not entirely. I've been avoiding you because I need to be honest with you, but I wasn't ready to be honest with myself." Sam didn't say anything, allowing Raphael a moment to gather his thoughts before continuing. "Samandriel is my fledgling, and I was a little worried that if you knew how he came about, you wouldn't be as good with him as you are. With Mikha and Heylel being so ready to have a fledgling of their own, it's been difficult for me to separate my own pain and hurt from the concept that I'm the one who is going to have to deliver Heylel's baby."
"I'm not sure I understand what else you're trying to say."
"I love Sami, and I wouldn't give him up again for anything . But he was created because someone I was close to betrayed and assaulted me. I am what I think humans would call aromantic and asexual, but there was a someone I thought I could happily spend the rest of my life with. I was mistaken. It was decades after I was the only functioning archangel in Heaven so my pregnancy was a difficult time for me. I didn't have anyone to confide in and I had to keep it a secret and I had no one to help me, not even when it was time to give birth."
"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Sam said, quietly.
"Heylel tried to ask me for fertility advice a few months ago and I reacted poorly. I know they're both happy and that their fledgling is going to be well loved, but…"
"But thinking about them having a fledgling is bring up the emotions you buried when you were carrying your own?"
Raphael nodded.
"Look over there, at Michael and Heylel. What do you see?" Sam asked.
The archangel looked and tried to see what Sam wanted him to see. He saw the two oldest archangels standing in the ankle deep water. Michael had his arms on Heylel as the second waddled and splashed. He could see their brightly painted fingernails and toenails and how radiant they both looked, especially Heylel.
"I see the two archangels who worked together to raise me. They're happier than I've seen them in my entire life," Raphael answered.
"As I've gotten to know Mikha, I've come to understand that they want that fledgling Heylel is carrying more than anything they've ever wanted in their lives. I see a doting Mikha pampering Heylel and making sure everything is just right. They're happy, and healthy, and eventually their babies are going to need to be born. It may have been a very terrible and scarring experience for you, but you're their Healer and they're going to need help." Sam looked at him with kindness, and a wisdom that Raphael felt was beyond his years.
"Because if I don't help them, it could be just as terrible for them as it was for me," he concluded.
"I'm not convinced the two experiences should be compared. I merely meant that you're the only one with the know-how of what's going to need to be done and perhaps you'll have some insight on how to make it less painful."
"Suppose that you are correct." Raphael looked back at Sam. "Thank you."
"Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?" Sam asked.
"Gabriel mentioned a few weeks ago that you had wanted to discuss your mental health?"
Sam worried his lip. "Would that be okay? I know you're busy with them-"
"I would be happy to listen and see what I can do."
Sam took a deep breath, ignoring the faint ache still in his chest, and readied himself. "When I was in college I was getting panic and anxiety attacks, and they were often enough that a doctor prescribed Xanax. I know that it can be an addictive medication, but I took it exactly as prescribed and it helped. But then after Jess died and I ended up on the road with Dean, it was too hard to ever go back to any doctors so I just stopped taking it. And sure, my anxiety worsened, but that seemed unimportant compared to the end of the world."
"I want you to promise me that you'll try to give your mental health a higher priority. I can see about finding a medication for your panic attacks that isn't addictive if you want me to, but this is important," he told Sam, but his tone wasn't one of disapproval, it was something softer.
"Sure," Sam said. "Thanks."