/
PROLOGUE
Hi, Louis, it's your sister. You know, Ren. Stevens.! Despite your deepest wishes, I do still exist. Do you ever remember to charge your phone? I only ever get your voicemail. Um, listen...so I wanted to tell you in person, but since you couldn't make Dad's birthday, and you never pick up, this is it, I guess: I'm engaged. Uh, let me do that again: I'm engaged! Derek asked me to marry him, and well...I said yes. We're having an engagement party next Saturday – the 25th. I really hope you'll come up for it. I-I'd like to see you, and Derek would like to get to know you a little better. It's not until the evening so you could leave Saturday morning, if you have a show, or something. Mom told me you got retweeted by one of the Saturday Night Live writers. That's so great. I-I hope you're not thinking of moving to New York! It's so far...! We would really miss you... I-I would really miss you. OK, I'll text you the details and, um, I hope I see you on the 25th. ...Bye, Louis.
/
CHAPTER ONE
/
Ren's engagement party was fancier than most weddings – a catered meal, chandeliers, cocktail attire. Louis hadn't realized they were putting on the Ritz – he had only brought a couple of outfits up from L.A. with him and they were more appropriate for barbecuing or playing pool. He felt doubly out of place: most of the party attendees were associates of Derek and his family, Sacramento's high society. Ren was flitting around from circle to circle – networking. He had barely seen her, let alone had a moment to talk with her.
He stayed off to the side, eating plate after plate of a shrimp hors d'oeuvre he couldn't pronounce. "I thought this was supposed to be a party," he complained to Donnie. "It's more like a business meeting. Good shrimp, though."
"We're just here to support Ren. It's not meant to be fun for us."
"So you agree. Why does she need support? Is getting engaged a traumatic event?" I'm the one who needs support. He added heatedly: "I guess it is, she's practically a child bride."
"Louis, she's 27."
"It's too young!" he shouted back maniacally, drawing a few eyes.
Derek Elliot was the kind of guy that Louis figured most women would be fighting each other for: handsome, well-connected, well-off, charming. He came from a political family and had entered politics himself, to great success. He was nice, too – Derek had paid Louis more attention than his own sister had. Even though Louis had been rude to him, Derek just kept coming back for more, warm and friendly every time.
Louis' brother, now freshly-divorced, went off to flirt with some of the Elliot cousins. Steve Stevens was bragging about Ren to whoever would listen and their mom, like always, was trying to get a bill passed. Ren had a smile plastered over her face but the skin under her eyes was dark and he noticed her stopping to take a moment to breathe every time she switched to a new group of guests. She still looked beautiful though – glowing and graceful and elegant as always. Head held high and all of her intense energy focused.
"It's an engagement party, not a funeral."
Louis turned and looked beside him: Tawny. They hugged, and he gave her an affectionate smile. "I disagree," he replied. "Weddings are a sort of death, don't you think? Death of Ren Stevens. Birth of Ren Elliot, I guess."
Louis didn't bother to shy under Tawny's penetrating look – if she was trying to see what he was feeling then she was going to see, no matter what he did. They had figured out a long time ago – somewhat painfully - that they were better as friends, but she still knew him in a way that no one else did. "I get it, you feel like you're losing a sister. But from what I hear, you hardly see each other anyway. I ran into Ren a few weeks ago getting coffee and she said she hadn't spoken to you in three months."
"I'm busy. Doesn't mean-"
"You and I talk more than that! And I know you haven't been back up here in almost a year."
"Doesn't mean I'm ready to hand her off to the first guy that comes along."
Tawny laughed at him, her face drawn in sympathetic fondness. "They've been together for four years!"
"Still seems pretty fast to me," he insisted, crossing his arms.
He watched Ren some more, dazzling in her dark blue dress. She had her hair pinned up high, tight. Tight like her smile. She finally caught his eye, and made some excuses to the friends she was with to come over and say hello. "I'm really glad you came," she said softly, leaning against the wall next to him. Tawny slipped away politely.
"Really? Because this is the first you've spoken to me all night."
"I have a lot of guests, Louis!" she replied defensively. "I am sorry. But it's not like you don't know anyone here – the whole family is here. And Tawny, Ruby, Nelson, Beans. Have you met his girlfriend yet?"
"I know. It's just, it's a 12 hour drive, round-trip, and I've got a lot going on. When you said you wanted me to come, I was expecting something a little more...intimate, you know, something where my absence might actually be noticed. I've been to NFL games with less attendees than this party."
He could see the only semi-familiar 'I don't want to fight' expression on her face as she, with some difficulty, let his recriminations slide right off of her. "If you wanted something more intimate, you should have come for Dad's birthday."
"I had a show."
"I get it. You're really busy now." She sighed. "I think it's great, Louis. I'm really happy for you. Moving down to L.A. seems to really be working out. How's Alan?"
"He's fine. His music is taking off a little. He's with a new band – they're really good. He wanted me to tell you that he'll come up with me for the wedding."
"That's great."
Louis had moved down to L.A. four years earlier to do comedy, and Twitty, currently his roommate, had gone with him. Louis belonged to a few improv groups and had made a small name for himself locally in stand-up. He had also auditioned for a few acting roles, but no success there yet. He was shopping around his reality show idea – no takers so far, but he knew it had promise. "I'm opening for Roy Chesterton in a few weeks." Ren shook her head, she hadn't heard of him. "He's big," Louis explained impatiently. Of course Ren didn't know who Roy Chesterton was! "Anyone else but you would have been really impressed."
Ren smiled. "That's great."
"Stop saying that. It's making me uncomfortable."
She scrunched up her nose. "You're right. It's weird to be making small talk when we used to be so... Well, not close, exactly, but – you know – intertwined." She bit her lip and let out a little laugh. "Maybe that's not the right word."
He let the poor word choice pass without mockery. "I know what you meant." They used to see each other every day – at school, at home. They used to have these lives that were always crossing paths, bumping into each other, getting all twisted up. They used to know each other. He used to know her entire schedule, her every thought.
"I mostly remember us at each others' throats, and all your dumb pranks, and everything in my life that you ruined or messed up, but-"
"Hey!"
"But," she insisted, continuing, "when I'm stressed out or don't know what to do or feel down about myself I...I find myself missing you. Because when we talked, the few times when we really talked, always restored me like nothing else did. And you actually gave pretty good advice sometimes, you know?" Her eyes were filled with sparkling tender affection.
Louis reached over and took the flute out her hand. "You've been hitting the champagne pretty hard, haven't you?"
She laughed. "Yeah, I suppose I've had more than one glass."
He drank down what remained very quickly. "It makes you sappy."
She looked hurt, but he didn't know what to say to her without saying too much. He couldn't return her sentimental gesture.
Derek pulled Ren off to go meet someone and Louis went to find himself another drink. He and his mother fell into conversation, and she updated him proudly on Ren's career. Ren had done a few post-graduate years of study and now worked in the mayor's office. "Just a stepping stone," his mother was saying. "She's already been promoted."
Louis agreed: "Ren can do anything."
There was a toast to the happy couple and a couple of short speeches. The food was done but the party wasn't winding down yet. Louis had thought about leaving several times but then the sight of Ren kept catching his eye. Tawny was right – it had been a year since he had last seen her. In a way it felt like a long time, but in another way – in most ways – it didn't. The memory of those years when they had been 'intertwined' was so much more potent. The past four years when he had been in L.A. was like the blink of an eye. And yet he felt the full force of seeing her again after so long, after having missed her so much. He should have just said that. Why couldn't he have just said, "I miss you"?
She was in a circle with her soon-to-be in-laws. Louis was standing close enough to hear them discussing funding for an arts program. Marjorie Elliot, Derek's mother, seemed unhappy with Ren about some decision she had made in her role in the mayor's office. Ren maintained her composure and polite toothy smile throughout the conversation, then quickly excused herself and ran outside. No one else seemed to have noticed that she was upset or that she had left the party; Louis chased after, through the glass doors in the back of the hall and out to a pond surrounded by pampas grass. It was dark now, but there were a few ducks that didn't seem to mind – they were gliding gracefully across the water. It was lovely out there, there was even a gazebo, but none of the other party guests seemed to be wandering out except for a pair of smokers who were already headed back inside.
She was crying. Not a lot, just a little. Louis approached slowly, gave her time to notice him, and then offered his sleeve to wipe her tears after realizing the napkin he was still holding was filthy. "No, that's all right. Thanks," she declined, laughing with embarrassment and trying to quickly wipe the wet streaks off with her hands.
"You don't need to stop crying. If you want to cry, maybe you should just let it out - I don't mind. Or I could leave, if you want."
"No, don't leave."
He reached over and finished drying her cheeks with his sleeve, then he waited patiently for the words he could see on her tongue.
"That woman!" Ren sputtered. "I genuinely like her. Really, I do. But she can be really difficult sometimes. She has welcomed me warmly into the family but..." Ren shook her head in that way he knew so well, boiling. "She has got a lot of opinions. My work! And now the wedding! I mean, I've barely started planning and she's already had issues with everything! As if I, Ren Stevens, don't know how to plan things!"
"You're the best planner there is."
"I know! And it's about what I want, isn't it?"
"Is she really the problem?"
She laughed. "Is that not enough?"
"I just wondered if..."
Ren furrowed her brow. "If what?" She asked, challenging.
"I don't know," he equivocated, regretting his course. "Maybe you were having...second thoughts, or something."
"I'm not," she answered defensively. "Derek is perfect."
"Yeah, he's perfect, all right. Mr. Wonderful! You're lucky he's into bossy overachievers with mustaches."
A ghost of a smile crossed her face. "You haven't offered me any congratulations yet. Aren't you happy for me?"
"Congratulations, Ren," he said quietly.
It was serene, down the by the water. The distant hum of the party was barely discernible, and a half-moon cast a pretty silver light. They were silent for a moment and he fidgeted with the tall grass that was all around him.
"Why did you ask me if I was having second thoughts?" Ren ventured in a quiet, curious voice.
"I suppose because you were crying at your engagement party." Louis walked down a little further towards the water's edge. "I don't know."
"Louis."
"Let me see your hand."
She narrowed her eyes, then walked down to stand beside him and held out her hand. He took it, and lifted it up; then he pointed at her fingernails. "You've filed down below the skin! These bled, didn't they?"
"Only a little," she insisted.
"You file when you're stressed. Why are you stressed out? You should be happy."
"I am happy."
"You're not unhappy," he reasoned back. "But you're not bursting with joy."
She turned on him ferociously: "Life isn't like the movies, Louis! Derek and I have been talking for two years about getting married. He's finally in a good place in his career and the timing is right. If I'm not 'overjoyed' it's because I always knew it would happen. And now I've got a lot on my plate, planning and dealing with Marjorie, on top of work which has been a beast."
"You could push the wedding back," Louis suggested, stepping closer to her. "Nine months isn't very long, especially since I know you'll plan something elaborate. What's wrong with a year and a half?" I need more time. I'm not over you yet.
"He wants to get married in the winter. It's slower at work – for both of us. He's right, it's best."
"Two years, then!"
"No, I don't want to be planning a wedding for two years. The Save-The-Dates have already gone out. It's happening in January. It's done."
In agitation, Louis picked up a few pebbles and began tossing them into the pond, disturbing the ducks. "Are you sure you really know this guy?"
"Yes, I do."
"Donnie thought he knew Amber, but she left the second he couldn't play football anymore."
"Derek and I are not Donnie and Amber. He's not marrying me because he thinks I'm going to be rich or famous. We have a relationship based on mutual respect and-and compatibility and...and respect and-"
"You already said that."
She waved an angry finger at him. "And similar goals. Similar everything, really."
"Does he make you laugh, though? When was the last time you really laughed?" Just from looking at her, he felt like he could tell it had been a while. As an aspiring comedian he had a sort of sixth sense about that kind of thing, but particularly with Ren, he knew.
He thought he would get her with that one – he waited her her to look taken aback, surprised, thoughtful. But she answered readily: "I'm not looking for a clown for a husband." His stomach dropped.
"They're so uptight! Come on, Ren! The food is great, the venue is beautiful, but this party stinks. It's them, the Elliots and their friends. They're so boring!"
"Boring because nothing is catching on fire and there aren't any chickens wandering through the room or robots throwing peanut butter? I don't know if you've noticed, Louis, but I fit in with them. You must still think I'm boring too."
He took another step closer to her. "No, I don't. And if I ever did, I was wrong."
She stared back at him, surprised. "Well...thanks for being nice to me. And for not setting anything on fire. I know what you're capable of when you want to liven things up."
"The night's not over yet." He flashed her a grin.
She smiled back and then looked shyly at the ground. "You're right about the party. I've had more fun out here arguing with you than I did in there." She lifted her hand warningly and raised her brow at him: "But that doesn't mean I want any hijinks to make it more exciting, got it?"
"You ruin one benefit dinner and no one lets you forget it." Louis crossed his heart: "I swear." He added: "And I hardly ever set things on fire anymore. I've definitely given up chicken wrangling and robotics as well."
"I suppose I should go back in..." She looked back at the hall, then turned her eyes wistfully to the pond.
"You don't have to go back in yet," he insisted. "Things won't fall apart if you stay out here for a few more minutes. Guests won't storm away, furious. Arts programs won't be defunded. Countries won't fall into the sea."
She laughed. "I guess you're right." There was a little bench, and she sat down after dusting it off. He stood a few feet away, his hands in his pockets. "Actually, can I confess something?" she asked. His heart gave a little thump; he nodded. "I haven't told anyone this, not even Mom or Derek. I couldn't tell them. It's just...when I got into college, I had to make a decision: politics or journalism. And it was not easy – I couldn't choose. But I had to, and I chose politics. I'm-I'm regretting it. I think I made the wrong choice."
"It's not set in stone, you're still in your 20s!"
She shook her head. "No, it's too late. I just...had to tell someone." She gave him a weak smile. "Thanks for listening."
"Of course."
"Going back to school, giving up my job. It would be crazy. I don't hate what I'm doing. I just sometimes wonder what if..."
She seemed to experience a newfound peace after her confession, and they stayed there for another minute in companionable silence.
This is it, he thought. They were alone, he had her full attention. The spot was beautiful, romantic. She was feeling dissatisfied with her life and the stakes were high. You told yourself that you'll never tell her, but if you're ever going to tell her, it has to be right now, tonight. This is it, the last chance.
When he left for L.A., he wasn't entirely sure if he left for her sake, or because he had chickened out. He knew then that he loved her. His whole life had felt like a cosmic joke but no part of it had seemed more baffling or more ironic than when he had realized he was in love with his sister. And Ren wasn't just any sister, she was Ren. There were a million reasons not to tell her, and only one in favor of the confession: that infinitesimal chance she felt the same way too.
Even if she did, that didn't guarantee anything. It didn't guarantee she would choose him, it didn't guarantee it wouldn't eventually ruin their relationship. And if it actually did somehow work out between them, what would she have to give up? What would he? And what if it destroyed their family?
A million reasons not to tell her.
And yet he still wanted to, every time he saw her.
He moved to L.A. to spare them both. And because he knew if he bared his heart to her and she didn't feel the same way, he wasn't sure he would have been able to put it behind him. He didn't want to have to go through that. He kept thinking it would fade, if he stayed away long enough. But he missed her. Ren didn't fade.
He knew she couldn't return his feelings: Ren Stevens would never fall for the wrong guy. Ren Stevens would never shatter her perfect life for an impractical affair. (The worst guy, an illicit affair.) Ren Stevens would never...look at him the same way again once he told her.
He knew this moment was a test. He just wasn't sure what he was being tested on. To make the brave choice, and tell her? To make the smart, moral choice, and keep it to himself? Did he owe it to her to tell her? Did he owe it to himself? Did he owe it to her not to tell her, to let her live her life? He didn't think he could be trusted to make an objective decision, because that infinitesimal chance lived inside of him, a little spark that just wouldn't die. It wanted its freedom to burn.
He didn't know if he was smart, or a coward, or unselfish, or selfish. But he didn't tell her. He gave her half a hug and they went back inside.
/
CHAPTER TWO
/
The nine months were agony. Twitty had put the Save-The-Date on the fridge – a romantic black and white photo shoot of Ren and her fiance in the park. Then the invitation came, and it went up there with its gold script lettering, taunting Louis every time he wanted a glass of milk or a slice of cheese.
The leaves turned and it got colder and Louis could feel the date coming closer. In a practical way, it wouldn't change much - he didn't see Ren very often. But it would change everything anyway. He didn't see her, but he thought about her, and Derek would always be there now, in his thoughts, ruining them. And at the next family event, Derek would be a member of the family, and Ren would be an Elliot, and childhood would really be over for good, and he would have lost her.
Twitty asked him why he was so subdued, and awkwardly pointed out that some of his new material was a little depressing. Louis wanted to tell him – in fact, he almost did, several times; normally, he would talk to Twitty about anything and everything. But it was possible that even his oldest and best friend would judge him, and what if Twitty let it slip somehow? The secret was too precious, he didn't trust it with anyone. He had to settle for grumbling about Derek in a whisper while out in public, pretending like he was being listened to. It was possible one or more strangers on the bus knew he wanted to train crows to recognize Derek by sight and poop on him every time they saw him. He had gone so far as to Google methods, but it was pretty hard to manage something like that from 350 miles away. He wanted to enlist Twitty, his old partner in crime, to sabotage the wedding. He could do it without explaining why – they had a code word for "No Questions Asked". That was old Louis stuff, the kind of shenanigans he didn't resort to anymore, but the itch was there. Monkeys, cottage cheese balloons, poison oak - he had so many ideas. It was an unhealthy form of therapy but the fantasies helped him cope when the regular fantasies left him weary and hurting.
The Ren thing had crept up on him slowly in his teen years. A moment of thinking she was pretty here, a moment of wishing she was paying more attention to him there. A moment of fighting between them getting his blood up in the wrong way. A moment of being a little too close and wanting to kiss her. A moment of realizing he didn't want her perfectly nice boyfriend anywhere near her. A lot of moments of not wanting anyone else.
He had dated since Tawny, but by then he had figured out what he wanted and everything else – everyone else – paled in comparison. Twitty kept trying to get him back out there, but nothing had lasted. (He probably thought Louis was still hung up on Tawny, no matter how many times he had denied it.)
Sometimes the idea of him and Ren as a couple made him laugh. But it wasn't so long ago that they had been living together, and would it really be so different from then? They would still be arguing about how to load the dishwasher and what to watch on TV and where he should put his shoes. The only difference would be that they would spend more time together, and there would be no one else in the way, because that was what they wanted. And at night, instead of going to different rooms, they would share...
There was still a part of him that felt a little weird about wanting her, but there was no question that he did. He wanted her lips, and her body, and with them he would take every lecture she had stored up waiting for him about where to put the plastic bowls and the spatulas and how varieties of office supplies should be properly organized. She would drive him crazy but he already knew for certain that he would never want anyone else the way he wanted her.
/
He thought when the weekend of the wedding finally came, he would feel a sense of peace, that the inevitability and finality of it all would release him.
It didn't.
There was a bunch of family from out of town staying at his parents' house – aunts and uncles and cousins – so Louis bunked with Twitty. He liked it there at Twitty's old house – Twitty's two younger siblings were still in school and it felt familiar and comforting, like childhood again. Mrs. Twitty made pizza rolls and they played video games in his old room on his old console. Louis mostly kept his mouth shut but even the often-oblivious Twitty knew that something about the wedding had him unhappy.
The wedding was on Sunday afternoon – Louis and Twitty came in on Friday, as was expected of them. Various official wedding events were going on, but Louis wasn't a groomsmen (or a bridesmaid, for that matter) and didn't have to attend. Friday night he helped out decorating for the reception and keeping extended family entertained. Saturday morning was a big brunch at the house – he was busy at the griddle, and keeping an eye on Beans, who had insinuated himself into the affair, to make sure he didn't eat all the bacon.
Ren made an appearance, and predictably her hands were full of various lists, charts, and plans. They had spoken once or twice in the intervening nine months – casual, brief conversations that hadn't come close to touching their real – but not real enough - talk of the night of the engagement party.
Louis brought her over a plate of pastries and melon balls, offering the best smile he could muster. And she burst into tears. After a moment of confused panic, he grabbed her chair and dragged it, her on it, into the next room. He shut the door to spare her everyone's prying attention. In spite of himself, he felt a surge of hope. Maybe she really was unhappy with Derek?
But then she pulled her phone out of her pocket and slammed it down on the clipboard: "The wind last night knocked a tree into the back of the flower shop. All the carnations and calla lilies were destroyed." She whined, and it turned into a sob. "Can you imagine the bad luck? My perfect wedding is ruined!"
"They're just flowers, right?"
That was the wrong thing to say. "Just flowers?" she repeated, outraged. "Just flowers? The whole decorating scheme hinges on them!" She pounded her fist against her forehead until he caught it and stopped it. "I've got too much to do, I can't deal with this! It's too much!"
"When has anything ever been too much for Ren Stevens?" he asked. But then he squatted down to look her right in the eyes. "But you don't have to worry about it, because I'm going to take care of this for you. I'm a fixer, right?"
There was a mix of hope and skepticism on her face. "I don't think anyone has ever thought of you as a fixer, Louis."
"Fine. I have madcap schemes with generally positive outcomes. Is that better?"
"I think 'generally positive outcomes' is a bit of stretch."
He held up an angry and exasperated finger to correct her, and then took in a deep breath. "I'm going to let that slide, it's your special day. Don't sweat the flowers, OK? I'm on it, I'm taking Twitty and Beans with me, it's gonna be great. I'm not coming back without chamomile and crustaceans."
"Calla lilies and carnations! And Louis, don't ruin my wedding."
"I promise!"
/
Ren called an hour later to check in and make sure he would be back for the rehearsal. "I'm not in the wedding, I don't really need to be there for that, do I?" He didn't think he could watch Derek marry Ren twice, two days in a row.
"Please, Louis. I'd like you to be there."
"Yeah, yeah. Of course. We're almost done here anyway."
"Really?"
"Yes. Yep. Uh-huh. Just wrapping it up."
Of course he had nothing at that point. He and the boys called every flower place in a 50-mile radius, but every winter bride was using those same flowers in her wedding and they were all sold out.
"It's no use," Twitty said, hanging up after they called the last place.
"I can't let Ren down. There has to be something else we can try."
"I have a cousin-" Beans began.
"I'm going to stop your right there, Beans," Louis interrupted. "The less I have to do with your cousins, the better."
"I was going to say he has a nursery. But..."
Long story short: Russian mafia, sketchy packages, and some definitely-not-flowers growing side-by-side with calla lilies and carnations in a greenhouse 30 miles away in the middle of nowhere.
The three of them had to cut the flowers themselves and the stems were a little off but at least the petals weren't smushed. "If anyone asks, Jen's Flowers had a cancellation," Louis told them on the drive back.
"Well if the police ask, I was never even here," Twitty replied.
"Just one quick stop in the warehouse district and then we're done!" Louis replied, trying not to wonder what was in the box in the trunk that they were supposed to deliver.
Ren hugged him and kissed him on the cheek when she saw the flowers. It was well worth the trouble: he got her cloth napkins as a wedding gift so it was the least he could do.
/
CHAPTER THREE
/
The rehearsal was predictably horrible – the stupid, loving smile on Derek's face made Louis want to go find some crows - and the only thing that got him through it was thinking about the steak dinner he was getting afterwards at the rehearsal dinner. Derek and his friends left early for the bachelor party, and Ren had already had her bachelorette party the night before, which meant it was just the Stevens family that evening after dinner. Ren came back to their parents' house and Louis had to do everything in his power to keep his dad from pulling out photo albums and old family movies – he just couldn't bear the nostalgia, the memories of the days when Ren was really more his than anyone else's. He had marked her with every prank, every interference, every hour he had spent making her life hell.
It was a little loud inside with so many guests, a little overwhelming. After a while Ren went out back with a blanket to sit and Louis followed, coaxing her out further to the picnic table in the middle of the yard.
"So, are you taking Mr. Pookie on the honeymoon?" Louis teased.
"No!" Ren insisted, laughing. "But he does live with me – us - at our apartment." They sat side-by-side, leaning back against the table top to look up at the handful of stars that were visible. "Louis, thank you so much for what you did today. The flowers – I can't thank you enough."
"It's no big deal, I wanted you to have your perfect wedding. But you may want to name one of your children after Twitty, or put him in your will or something."
"I see. What about Beans?"
"Oh, he loved every second of it."
"What exactly did you do, Louis?"
"Nothing. There were definitely no Russians involved and I definitely didn't meet a terrifying branch of Beans' family."
Ren shook her head at him, laughing. "I'm not going to ask any more questions. I'm just going to say thank you. You came through for me. You always come through for me." She bit her lip and smiled at him, flashing him those teeth of hers. "You are not the worst brother in the world."
I might be, Louis thought. He was looking at her lips, and the faint shimmer of the starlight on her cheeks, and the curve of her breasts under her sweater, and he was not thinking nice, brotherly thoughts.
He pretended to gasp in shock, and she laughed. "Say it again?" he requested, grinning.
She rolled her eyes. "You are a pretty good brother sometimes."
"I'm glad you're finally realizing it."
Ren hit his shoulder – and not too lightly either. "I've missed you!"
"Yeah, I've missed you too."
She turned an angry glare on him. "You're the one who moved away. It's your responsibility to come back and visit."
"I know. I've been-"
"Busy, I know."
He pursed his lips. "You make it sound like you don't believe me. I knew none of you were taking what I do seriously!" She was right, of course: he had been avoiding her. But his insecurities flared all the same. And maybe a part of him really was angry at her – for not feeling the same way. For making him go through this alone.
"That's not true at all!" Ren put her hand on his shoulder. "We're really proud of you. Louis, it has always been your gift to make people laugh and now you're finally sharing that gift. You're right where you're supposed to be."
His quick anger deflated. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. Why haven't you invited us to any of your shows?"
"I have, haven't I?"
"No, you haven't."
"Well, I figured you wouldn't want to drive all the way down to L.A. just to hear me saying the same stuff I used to say during dinner."
"Louis."
He sighed. "I was scared it might go wrong. I didn't want you to think I was a failure."
"Louis, even when you fail, it's so spectacular it's a success. Besides, that's exactly why you should want us there. Because we're the ones who won't care if you fail. We'll love you anyway."
"You wouldn't care if I failed?" he asked, skeptical. "Because you've made it pretty clear in the past that your screw-up brother was a huge embarrassment."
She chewed on her tongue thoughtfully for a second. "I know what I've said in the past. I've probably made it sound like I've always wanted you to change. I don't want that. Maybe I did – but I was wrong. You've messed some things up big time before. But...you're Louis. I wouldn't want you to not be Louis! Maybe it took growing up to get some clarity on that, but I have it now. And maybe it took you moving away for me to see it." She shook her head. "You know, there are lots of people like me. Every school has its uptight overachiever. There's always someone with the highest grades and the most ambition. I was just a big fish in a small pond. But not every school had a Louis. You're one in seven billion. You're special."
He leaned in slightly towards her. "You're wrong, Ren. There's no one else like you." He must have been staring at her too hard – she coughed under the intensity and pulled back to look up at the stars again.
"You didn't bring a date. You're not seeing anyone?" she asked casually. Or was she only trying to sound casual?
No, he was letting wishful thinking get the better of him. She didn't care if he had a date or not, she probably wished he did, someone to keep him in line.
"No," he spat, sounding far more bitter than he had intended to. Ren turned to look at him in surprise at his tone, and he jumped to his feet and began to pace nervously. He wanted to tell her. Still. He'd had his chance, he had let it slip by. And he wasn't sure that was the wrong decision, as much as he was wishing in this moment that he was back there again with the chance to do it over. But all the same he really wanted to just let the truth out and see what happened. Impulsiveness and bad decision-making were exactly what she hated about him – how ironic that she was the one bringing them out.
Two old men eating corned beef sandwiches in a deli in his head were having a very heated argument about what should be done.
"Louis, are you OK?" she asked, sitting up erect on the bench and pulling her blanket more tightly around her.
He laughed mirthlessly. "Uh, not really." He shouldn't have said that, now she wouldn't let up until she knew what was wrong.
"Louis, what is it? You can tell me! Did you...do something?" She was watching him intently, her eyes sharp and determined and concerned. "Whatever mistake you might have made, whatever has gone wrong, we'll fix it."
"It's not something I've done. It's something I'm about to do."
She furrowed her brow. "What?"
"I'm going to break my promise. I told you I wouldn't ruin your wedding."
He heard a very familiar tone as she asked sternly, "Louis, what are you talking about?" Every single time his entire life that she had been suspicious about what he had been up to he had heard that tone. She had always been right, of course – he had always been up to something. Spying, booby traps, get-rich schemes. She had no idea what was coming this time.
"Are you sure you love Derek?"
Ren crossed her arms. "Of course I love him. I'm marrying him!"
"But are you really in love with him? Because I've seen you care very deeply about some guys that really weren't worth it – Bobby, Gil, Tim." Ren's boyfriend her junior year of high school had been a particular douche bag.
"Louis, Derek isn't like those guys." She seemed torn between being touched by his protective concern and annoyed with his accusations. Watching the two emotions at war on her face was almost amusing.
"I know he's not. But I also think maybe you've just planned out all the beats of your life, and now you feel like it's time to get married. Are you really sure it should be him? Is he what you really want right now?"
Ren scrunched up her face angrily and shook her head. "Louis, why are you asking me this? And why now?"
"I just want you to be sure, when you say 'I do' tomorrow. I don't think you are." He had stopped his pacing to look at her; he resumed, nervously scratching at his arm. "Maybe you are sure," he murmured quietly, mostly to himself. "Maybe I'm just-"
"Just what?" she demanded.
He stopped again and looked at her. "Hoping." Ren studied him with surprise, her eyes narrowing slightly in confusion. "I don't want you walking down that aisle!" he confessed. "Joining another family. You won't even be a Stevens anymore!"
She tilted her head, softened. "Oh, Louis." She jutted her bottom lip out in affection, as if he she were admiring a puppy. "That's so sweet."
It wasn't too late, he could still back out. But he felt as if he had tripped down a hill and could not stop rolling. "No, you don't understand. Not yet." Jittery, he sat down next to her on the picnic table bench and gripped her shoulders. "Ren, I'm-" Deep breath, try again. "I'm-". Nope.
Louis hopped back up to his feet. He was notoriously bad at talking about his feelings – he hadn't even been able to tell Tawny how he felt before they got together and there had already been a sort of understanding between them. How the hell was he supposed to tell Ren?
Ren was following him with her eyes, her lips parted in confusion and anticipation.
He began again: "Ren, do you remember that first night on Family Fakeout after we had been kicked out of the village?"
"You mean after you got us kicked out of the village?" she asked, teasing, but her eyes were a little wary. Good. She knew what he was getting at; he wasn't sure if she would.
"Wasn't my fault," he reminded her. "It was all staged, remembered?"
"It preyed on your weaknesses, yes. But they were still weaknesses."
Her pricking took him right back to how he had felt that week. Their dream-family-vacation-turned-hidden-camera-nightmare played itself a lot in Louis' memories, but no moment more so than the first night they'd had to sleep on the beach. Their father, Ren, and Beans had built a lean-to with sticks and palm branches while Louis had looked for firewood with Donnie and their mother. It had rained that night – or at least the crew behind the reality show had made it rain. They had all huddled up under the shelter, trying desperately to sleep in the sand without blankets or pillows.
Louis had secured himself a nice warm spot wedged between his parents. He'd had a lot to drink at the feast that the 'natives' had invited him to – Ren hadn't been invited, which had created even more tension between them on top of the enormous amount that had already been there – so he had gotten up to pee. When he came back, he found his father had rolled into his spot, forcing him to take the one that had opened up next to Ren.
At some point during the night they had drifted closer to each other – her back was against his chest and his arm had fallen around her waist. It was a cool night – he should have known then they weren't really in the tropics like they had been told – and windy, and they were both still damp from the rain. It was a lot warmer being close like that, and it really wasn't all that surprising that it had happened, especially given all of their tossing and turning trying to get comfortable on the ground.
He had woken at the sound of a nocturnal bird's call and jumped a little. In his defense, if they had really been on an uncharted tropical island, it could very well have been something dangerous. His start woke Ren, who after a moment of grogginess made a sound of disgust at their cuddling and rolled away from him. But after only a second, realizing how cold it was, she groaned and rolled right back, even taking his arm and putting it back in place after he had hesitated to wrap it back around her.
A big leaf on the tree above them reached its weight capacity and tipped, dumping a collection of water onto the roof of the lean-to. It slipped right through the cracks and hit the sand next to Ren with a splash, spritzing them both. "Nice shelter, Ren," he criticized in a whisper, frustrated at that point by how much she had emphasized the laborious, quality, selfless work her group had done – and in a general bad mood due to the circumstances.
"You know what, Louis?" she replied, furious, twisting her head to look at him. But their faces were only an inch or two apart. He felt the anger drain right out of him – he wasn't thinking about anything except how close she was and the feel of her against him, in his arms. Whatever Ren was feeling, he knew it wasn't fury anymore. The words died on her tongue and after a wide-eyed look of surprise at his proximity, and after a quick parting and unparting of her lips, she hastily whirled back.
They both fell asleep again - eventually. When he woke later in the night his head had slipped down against her neck and he was breathing right against the skin at the base of her throat.
It was such an uncomfortable night – they all woke multiple times, moving and shifting to find cozier grooves. When it stopped raining, they spread out so it wouldn't be so cramped. By morning Louis was upside down, halfway out the of the shelter, and cuddling with Beans.
"Do you remember sleeping that night, next to each other?" he asked her. His every urge was to look away but he kept his eyes on her, studying her reaction.
"I remember," she said quietly, slowly.
"I should have known then."
Ren's face was difficult to read. "Should've known what, Louis?" she asked, her voice a little unsteady but the question crisp and clear.
Louis looked up and away, into the trees, as if they were the most fascinating trees in the world. One-of-a-kind trees doing once-in-a-lifetime things. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt, almost feeling an eye-of-the-storm momentary relaxation. "Known I was in love with you." He swiveled back, willing himself to look her in the eyes again; Ren was blinking at him in disbelief, her jaw had dropped. Before she had a chance to laugh, to think it was a joke, he continued: "Do you remember the time on the stairs?"
She had been coming up, he had been going down. They had gotten into it over something. It was hard to remember now what they had been fighting about, what any of the fights had been about. He didn't even remember the anger – just wanting more from her. His whole life, always just wanting more. Play with me, laugh at my jokes, stand up for me, spend time with me, tell me you're proud of me, help me with my problem, get into trouble with me, hug me, kiss me, leave your fiance for me.
The stairs were narrow – there was hardly room for two people to pass by each other let alone stand on the same step and argue. She had made some threat about hurting him – he had probably deserved it. He knew from their earlier childhood that she could be feisty and creative in a fight but after years of being the younger one, being totally at her mercy, he was finally taller and stronger than her (not by much, but by enough) and not afraid. They were 15 and 16 then, the idea of a physical fight between them was ludicrous, it never would have happened no matter what she had said - she had even stopped pulling on his earlobes to punish him and they hadn't yanked on each others' hair in years. But she had made the threat all the same and he had taken an intimidating step towards her in response. He hadn't meant to back her into the wall exactly, but it was right behind her with nowhere else to go - and when she hit it, her defiant, enraged expression totally changed. Suddenly they weren't two siblings fighting, they were a girl up against a wall and a guy leaning over her. She didn't knee him or stomp on his foot like she might have – and normally probably would have - to remind him who was boss and get free: something passed through her body and she yielded. She looked up at him like a flower opening its petals to the morning sun.
(...He might have romanticized it a little over the years... He had thought about it at least once a day since it had happened, after all. It was the only memory that didn't feel one-sided, the only memory that made it feel like something was happening between them, and it wasn't just him with his twisted desires, alone.)
He didn't know how long he stared down at her, and she stared right back, her face a mix of uncertainty and apprehension – and something else, he had always thought. But he had never been able to be sure.
He pivoted on his right foot, opening up the top half of the stairs to her. She scrambled away with an utterance of annoyance, paying lip-service to the fight he didn't think either of them were still thinking about. She went into her room, shut her door, and he didn't see her again for hours.
"That was when I knew." Ren hadn't answered him when he had asked her if she remembered it, but he had understood from her brow, knitted with curiosity and vigilance, that she did. "I wanted to rip that sensible lavender cardigan right off of you," he admitted, and he was gratified to see that the look that passed over her face was not one of disgust – quite the opposite. And you looked at me like you wanted me to, he didn't dare say. He sighed and wiggled his hands in his pockets. "I'm not telling you because I think you feel the same way. I have no idea why I'm telling you, except...that I had to."
She was speechless. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out.
His hair was cropped short – he'd gotten a haircut last week to look nice for the wedding, to look nice for Ren – but he did his best to run his hand through it. "Jesus, Ren, say something! You're scaring me. I need to know that-I don't know-that this isn't the last time it'll ever be the same between us."
"What am I supposed to say? Up is down, black is white! I mean, am I even awake? You're-you're Louis." She stood dramatically, as if she were about to launch into a rant, but then she sat right back down again and shut her mouth.
"Listen, it's OK. We'll go back inside and pretend like this never happened. I won't bring it up again, I won't make any trouble. I've said my piece, it's done."
Ren rubbed maniacally at her eye. "Pretend like it never happened?!" she screeched hysterically, disturbing a wandering neighbor's cat that turned on its heels and fled the other way. "How the hell am I supposed to do that, Louis?!"
It was her same angry, exasperated voice that he had heard a million times as they were growing up, he reveled in it. She hadn't done any of the things he was afraid she might do – she hadn't slapped him; she hadn't hold him that he wasn't in love with her, that he was mistaken; she hadn't whispered coldly that he was uninvited to the wedding and that she never wanted to see him again. She just seemed...flabbergasted. And she just sat there, studying him.
"Just don't tell Derek, please! I couldn't bear it if he knew, always looking at me sideways."
"Derek?" She frowned. "Oh my God, Derek! I'm getting married in the morning!"
"Don't," he begged.
Her eyes went wide and she stared at him in surprise. A few seconds later she shook her head: "Louis, why are you telling me this? What are you expecting, hoping for? What do you...want?"
"I'm not expecting anything." He dropped down onto the seat next to her and he felt relief as she turned her body towards his instead of away from him. "I don't know what kind of future we could have even if you loved me back the way I love you. I just couldn't keep going on without knowing what would happen if I told you, if I was honest, and just-just said it. What do I want? I want you to call off the wedding, take your honeymoon with me instead. I want to find out what this could be."
"Call off my wedding? Louis, we haven't even-"
Haven't even kissed. He leaned in suddenly and caught her mouth with his, and after a second of surprise, he felt her loosen and angle her head ever so slightly. He leaned in a little more and massaged her bottom lip, exciting a little moan out of her that made his heart skip a beat. He pulled away first and observed her; she let out a long, dizzy exhale and lifted her eyes to his, unguarded and uncertain. And fascinated.
In all the times he had imagined this, he hadn't ever dared to hope it would go this well.
Then, remembering, Ren spun rapidly towards the house to make sure they hadn't been seen. Most of the blinds and curtains were closed and the picnic table was a good 60 feet away from the house, untouched by the porch light. Louis didn't think they had anything to worry about.
"Louis, why are you doing this tonight?" she demanded, rubbing her temples. "I've been engaged for almost a whole year!"
"I was scared!" He shifted away from her, resting his elbows on his lap and leaning down to look at the ground. "I had totally resolved not to ever tell you. I made that decision a long time ago, when I left for L.A. I figured it was best, for both of us."
"Is this why you went to L.A.?"
"Not entirely. But, yeah, basically. I was tired of hanging around, waiting for something that was never going to happen. Then you started dating Derek. I decided it would be easier to be away from you."
"So you have been avoiding me."
He met her eyes. "...Yes."
"It's been horrible!" she scolded, hitting him. She added softly: "When I was younger I never would have guessed I could miss you so much..."
It meant so much to hear her say that, he felt his heart swelling. His stare was full of longing, and the one she returned was frightened, but mesmerized. "I'm not saying I enjoyed the kiss," she ventured, swallowing, "but maybe you should do it again."
After a blink of shock, he gave her a muted grin and began to move his arm around her back. "No!" she suddenly cried, and he drew back, aching with disappointment. But then she unwrapped the blanket from around her shoulders and tossed it over their heads, and under the cover of the blanket, he pulled her into an unrestrained kiss – one hand against her back and another one on her cheek; one of her hands reluctantly wandering up into his hair after a minute of hesitation.
"Wow," she breathed, as they disengaged, panting. Then she jumped up and began pacing, yanking at her hair. "You've really done it this time, Louis! I've been planning this wedding for nine months. It is costing tens of thousands of dollars, most of it non-refundable. And there's a man out there, waiting, who loves me. And I'm out here, what, kissing someone else? The night before my wedding! My brother. And actually – actually – considering canceling it."
He raised his head and stared at her. "You are?"
She ignored him. "I should be crying, why do I feel like laughing? I want to lay on the ground and laugh for 30 minutes straight." She laughed then, but it was a crazy laugh, not a joyful one.
"I know. Your whole life I've always ruined everything for you and now I'm ruining your perfect wedding."
"There was always something imperfect about my perfect wedding, Louis: me." She sighed, but then she howled with anger. "Louis! Do you understand the impossible situation you have put me in? I thought choosing between journalism and politics was hard. It was nothing compared to this: you've only given me hours – hours! – to decide. You do realize a decision like this can't be taken back, ever, right? It's a kind of hurt that can't be atoned for. I have to choose between whatever the hell this might be," she moved her hand rapidly back and forth from her chest towards him, "and probably losing Derek forever. I can't ask him to postpone – he'll never understand and I'll never be able to explain. I can't walk down that aisle tomorrow and make those vows while wondering if...if what I really want is you instead. And if I choose to explore this, there won't be any second chances with Derek, the man who couldn't be more perfect for me. It should be a foregone conclusion..." She stared at him. "But it's not."
He met her eyes but he didn't know what to say. "What if-" she continued, "What if I'm only feeling this way because it's exciting and new, and because I've missed you? What if I'm just scared about my life changing and I'm feeling nostalgic and I'm clinging to you because you're..." She took in a frenzied breath, pacing faster. "...so familiar."
"Is that what you think?"
"I don't know. No! But it's very hard for me to explain my feelings changing so fast. And, my God, it's incest, Louis!"
"Maybe not everything can be explained."
"Ugh, that's such a Louis thing to say!"
"I'm not sure if this will help you decide, but I keep my bed sheets very clean now. No fungi at all. You can ask Twitty."
She gaped blankly at him, then said unexpectedly: "Maybe you should kiss me again."
"All right," he agreed eagerly, leaping to his feet and moving towards her.
But then she jumped back, shaking her head. "No! No!" In a flustered way she scratched the side of her head. "All of your old...quirks now seem weirdly attractive. What is happening to me?"
He bit his lip and grinned.
He knew what he needed to do: to leave, to give her some time to think. But he was afraid. He kept thinking there was some magic thing he could do or say, something that would lock it in, convince her. It was his own fault, for not giving himself more time. He didn't know if he was doing the right thing, but now that he knew she was capable of feeling at least something for him in return, he couldn't regret it, he had to keep pushing forward. Would it be the best thing for her if she called off the wedding? He didn't know. Maybe not. Maybe it was wrong to try to convince her to choose him. But he consoled himself that Ren wouldn't walk away from Derek unless she could do without him, and that taking some time to figure out what might be between them and what she really wanted wouldn't destroy her life. "I'm sorry, Ren. You're right. I should have told you that night, at your engagement party. I thought about it – it was all I was thinking about. But at least tonight is better than tomorrow, right?" The glare she gave him was unamused, but he spied a small twinkle in her eye. "You need time to think. I'm going to go back inside," he told her. She sat down on the bench in agreement and he bent over and kissed the top of her head.
/
CHAPTER FOUR
/
Rejoining the family was surreal. There was a game of Monopoly going on in one corner, ESPN was on the TV, and a group in the kitchen were passing a slice of pie around. "Did you and Ren have a nice talk?" his mother asked.
"Yeah."
"Oh good. The parenting books all said you guys would get along when you were adults but I didn't believe it."
He grabbed a fork and scooped off a bite of pie for himself. "Believe it."
Twitty had gotten a ride home leaving Louis alone with his car and Louis, perhaps overly-optimistically, texted him not to wait up. Mrs. Twitty had given him a key, but he hoped he wouldn't be back until morning.
Ren stayed outside for another 30 minutes or so, and the family started asking questions. Their dad went out to check on her, and she sent him back in. "Louis, maybe you should go see. I'm worried," their mother said. "She's been so strained."
"She'll come back in when she's ready," he assured them.
Another thirty minutes went by, and Louis was beginning to feel as concerned as his family felt confused; then she appeared in the living room, tense and tight. "The wedding is off," she announced in a squeak, before dashing away upstairs into her old room. Uncle Chuck was staying in there and she booted him out; he bounded down the stairs with a questioning frown.
Louis' parents looked at each other, astonished. "Eileen, fix this," his father begged, and Louis could see him thinking about all the money they would lose. Louis let his mother go upstairs and talk to Ren first. She wasn't in there for long, and when she came back down, she shook her head.
Louis didn't offer his parents any assurances – he had no plans to change Ren's mind. He bounced happily up the stairs, floating on air, passing by the very same spot where he had walked her into the wall and known he wanted her, and right up to the door he had listened through so many times to spy on her. He knocked, and told her it was him, and she invited him in. He closed the door behind him, securing the lock. And then he watched her.
She was sitting on the bed, looking at him. "Do you remember that time I burst into your room because Mom had made me deliver your laundry and I caught you and Tawny making out?"
"Not really," he admitted.
"Well, I remember. Because I didn't like it. But I did. It was so confusing then but it's clear now: I was jealous, but seeing you like that, doing that, made me...feel something."
He approached her. "You're calling off the wedding?" He spoke in a low voice – knowing how easy it was to listen through her door – and she followed suit.
"I sat out there for an hour and barely gave Derek a single thought. You're right – I was getting married because it was the thing to do, and Derek checked every box. But I don't love him like I should. Or, I don't know, maybe I loved him enough, maybe I would have been happy, but..." Ren reached out and hungrily fisted the bottom of his shirt. "It didn't feel like this does..." Louis dropped down to his knees in front of her. "And now I'm going to break his heart and upend his whole life and I can barely even manage to think about it for more than one second because..." She wrapped her arms around Louis' neck and slipped her lips in between his. He pressed her down onto the bed and climbed on top of her for leverage. This went on for some time, until she suddenly shoved him off and sat up. "I have to tell Derek!"
"Right," he agreed, catching his breath.
"I don't know how I'm going to break it to him."
"Forget about Derek! How am I going to break it to Twitty? We got those flowers for nothing. I made him do some very questionable things."
She eyed him with amusement, and then shook her head. "This is happening so fast. I had never even...and now I'm canceling my wedding for you!"
"Had you really never thought of me that way?"
She bit her lip. "I don't know." He traced circles on the palm of her hand. "I do remember the first time I realized you weren't really a kid anymore... You walked out of the bathroom after a shower, wrapped in a towel."
"A paragon of muscles and physical fitness?"
"Not exactly. But you were taller, and you spoke to me and your voice had dropped, and you needed a shave, and you were leaning against the banister is this manly way – don't laugh -...and I just realized I was living with a guy my age and not a kid brother. It was never like that with Donnie... I never had a moment like that. I never felt that way about him, he was always just Donnie. With you...It was like I knew deep down I had to be careful."
"Well, I'm not surprised you didn't realize anything. Of course I knew how I felt about you – you're hot. I'm just..."
"You're not so bad," Ren said, a little begrudgingly. Then she reached over and pinched his cheek. "You were always cute."
"How do you feel about me now?"
Ren stared at him. "Can a person not be in love with someone one hour, and be in love with them the next?"
"It sounds a little far-fetched," he teased. "Maybe you were in love with me already."
"Maybe," she agreed breathlessly.
He gave her a squinty smile, feeling shy and insecure. "Are you really in love with me?"
"I can't say for sure that I'm not. I don't know what else to call what I'm feeling, as insane as it sounds. My God, 90 minutes ago I was getting ready to marry Derek and now... But this feels so right. Like there was this part of me that was sick and scared and sad and it's all better now. Or, like, you know, one of those twist-on lids and I finally found the right grooves after just letting it be awkward and crooked for so long. Why does this feel so right when it's so crazy, when it has turned my life upside down?"
"I don't know."
"I'm scared, but..."
"But?"
"But more excited than I've been in a long time. I don't remember ever feeling so excited..." She lustily reached out for him and he let her pull him close. He wasn't used to seeing that expression on her face – especially directed at him – but he was quickly getting used to it. "You really want to be with me?" she asked.
"More than anything."
"More than your career? If this lasts, you can't be famous."
"You don't need to start planning the rest of our lives, Ren. Let's just take it one week at a time."
She pulled back and gave him a leery look. "There's no point in exploring this if we can't grapple with the big questions. The rest of our lives are going to happen whether we've planned for them or not. It's better to be prepared!" she said, in a familiar chastising tone.
"We're not going to have a fight, are we?" he asked, exasperated. He slipped his hand under her shirt and it crept up until he was cupping her breast under her bra. "I just want to spend a little more time doing this before it gets all serious. I have been suffering for a very long time and I want to have a little fun."
Her eyes glazed over for a second in response at the stimulation, but then they snapped back and she sat up straight, throwing her feet off the side of the bed and onto the floor. "Work first, fun later. Will you drive me to go talk to Derek? He's staying at his parents' for the night and he already texted me to tell me that the bachelor party was over. I need to tell him."
Louis sighed. "Let's go now, get it over with."
Their parents were reluctant to let Ren leave, but she gave them firm instructions to call everyone first thing in the morning and tell them it off was off. Organized as ever, she had already used the online RSVP site to send out an email to all the invitees.
Louis stayed in the car while Ren went into the Elliots' house. A sleepy, bathrobe-clad Derek opened the door to her and they spoke for maybe ten minutes. Louis was a little nervous... What if Derek talked her around? What if she saw him again and remembered that he was Mr. Wonderful and that they were going to have a perfect life together – simple, uncomplicated, compatible.
Ren was pale and shaken when she came back to the car, and Louis prepared himself for bad news. But she took his hand and told him it was done. "That was awful. He was so confused, so shocked."
"He'll meet someone else. He's one of Sactown's top ten most eligible bachelors now. What did you tell him?"
"I just told him I couldn't go through with it, that I wasn't as in love as I should have been. You've made me into a real asshole, you know? Of course he asked why this didn't occur to me until the night before the wedding, and what could I say? Ask Louis?" She looked down at their hands. "Have we ever held hands before?"
"Not since I was allowed to cross the street all by myself."
"When was that, age 13, 14?"
He laughed at her joke. "You were only a year older but for some reason Mom and Dad trusted you but not me. 'Don't cross the street without holding Ren's hand!'"
"One of life's greatest mysteries."
He squeezed her hand. "It's OK, right?"
"It's weird. But...nice."
They went back to Ren and Derek's apartment and slept – just slept – in each others' arms. She pulled her ratty old stuffed monkey off the shelf and brought him into bed with them. And he thought about every time he had fantasized about this, and every time he had remembered that night on the beach knowing nothing like it would ever happen again. It was happening, it was real.
She set an alarm to wake them up early, and exchanged some texts with their parents about who had and hadn't been notified yet. Louis took the phone out of her hands and set it down. "Relax, for a minute. Donnie's going to hang a sign at the gate – everyone will find out one way or another."
"Dad's going to hate me."
"It's just money. Mom and Dad would rather you canceled your wedding than had to get a divorce later. I'll pay them back."
"Louis-"
"It's a lot of money, it'll take some time. But I'll do it."
She smiled. "That's sweet. But it's not entirely your responsibility. Maybe if I had...thought a little bit more about what I was doing, and about you... I never let my mind go there. If I had...maybe it wouldn't have gotten this far with me and Derek. That's my fault."
"When were you guys leaving on your honeymoon?"
"Tuesday."
"Hawaii, right?"
"Louis."
"What?"
"We can't go to Hawaii. Mom and Dad paid for that trip, it wouldn't be right. They got cancellation insurance – that's the one thing we won't be taking a loss on."
"Fine, not Hawaii. Come to L.A. with me."
"And stay with you and Alan? How is that going to work?"
"Let's tell him."
Ren's jaw dropped. "Tell him?" She held up the monkey: "I'm not even ready to tell Mr. Pookie. He thought that was all platonic brother/sister spooning."
"Does he think this is platonic?" Louis asked, kissing her neck. She giggled and then moaned, and he moved a hand under her pajamas. They were interrupted by a chime on Ren's phone. Given the situation she felt obligated to look, and with a laughing gasp of surprise, she held up the phone for Louis to see the text: Beans had decided to make a honest woman out of his girlfriend and was taking over the wedding.
"Go Beansy!"
/
Ren couldn't face all the questions; she stayed at the apartment and packed up her things so that she could get out of Derek's way as soon as possible. Beans asked Louis to be a groomsman, and the ceremony went off more or less as planned, only with a different bride and groom. There were some familiar Russian faces that Louis tried to avoid. He also tried to avoid his parents, telling them only that he had seen Ren, and that she was sorry, but she was at peace with her decision. Twitty and Tawny gave him even more of an interrogation and they weren't easily put off but he just told them that Ren was doing some soul-searching.
"Did we just pay for Beans' wedding?" his father asked, scraping his hands down the sides of his face. His mom put her arm around him and gave him a comforting pat.
/
Ren didn't feel right about going on a trip, but Louis reminded her that she had already taken the time off of work and shouldn't waste it. They had packed up her stuff as quickly as they could and moved everything back to the attic of their parents' house.
"I should spend the time apartment shopping," Ren had argued.
"You can do that when you get back. Mom and Dad aren't going to kick you out."
"Louis, how are we going to keep seeing each other when we live in different cities?"
"There are politicians in L.A. and comedians in Sacramento. Besides, I was thinking that maybe you might want to...go back to school?" She furrowed her brow. "Journalism – it's not too late. If it's what you really want, you should go for it. Besides, no one is going to look harder at your personal life than a political opponent. But no one cares about the personal life of a print journalist."
She narrowed her eyes at him, then relaxed them. "Well, you might have a point. And I suddenly feel as if...as if I could. As if it's really possible. What about you, though?"
"I'd rather be behind the camera anyway."
"Do you really think it's possible to keep something like this secret?"
"Yeah, I do. Besides, you're Ren Stevens, what don't you excel at? And when have we never accomplished something, working as a team? We're the dream team. Tea for two, two for tea Me for you You for me "
He begged her to give him one week to have some fun and not worry about the big questions, promising her they would figure it all out later. "I'm not very good at having fun," she reminded him.
"Don't worry, you're with a pro."
She did come back to L.A. with him. He had a show Monday night, and she came to see it. Maybe she was just being supportive, but she never stopped laughing.
They didn't want to take any chances on Twitty finding out, so they drove down to spend a few cheap days in Mexico and figure out if this was something that could work, something they needed.
"I can't believe I'm letting you take me to Mexico," she said, as they turned onto the interstate "I'm letting Louis take me to Mexico."
"Don't worry, I'm only wanted in Chihuahua and Coahuila so we should be fine."
"Calling off my wedding and running off with you is the most impulsive thing I've ever done, and I'm pretty sure everything else on the list was your fault too. Why is it always you making me do crazy things?"
"I don't know."
"I'm afraid I do." She leaned in and kissed him.