Castiel or „Just Hold Me Now"

(A/N)
The idea for this story was born on a bus ride when I heard the song 'Always On My Mind' by Willie Nelson. To be honest, it took me a lot of strength and tears to write this story.
It includes music and spoilers for later seasons.

My warning beforehand: CHARACTERS DIE and it is sad (but with a happy ending) The songs I have used or mentioned are summarized in a playlist. The links to the playlists follow at the end. :)

It was 7pm.
Everything was ready. Dinner was ready, the library cleaned up, the table was set, Sam and Jack were gone for two days and Castiel was waiting.

He was waiting for Dean to come back. Where exactly he had gone, Cas didn't know. But he knew Dean would come back. All those years, it had always been this way.
They had never made their relationship public, and they always met in secret. While they had been in Purgatory for the first time, they had confessed their feelings and had also realized how stupid they had been to let so much time pass by. But it didn't matter now. They had each other through thick and thin and that was the most important thing.
The time with the Winchester brothers, especially the time with Dean, had made him develop feelings and emotions he had never known before.

And this is exactly what he tried to remember. Because what he wanted to tell Dean was something he had kept to himself for far too long and secondly it was very upsetting. He had done something to bring 'their' Jack back to the brothers. Cas was hoping that with the food and stuff to keep Dean calm. He knew that the hunter could become very passionate in all areas. Cas also had a gift for Dean.

But now he had to wait. Dean had been gone for almost a week by himself. This morning he had checked in with Cas and said he would be back late tonight.
Cas had passed this on to Sam and Jack, and miraculously, Sam had found a case a few states over. He left with Jack about an hour after Cas told him. Silently, Cas thanked the younger brother and wondered if Sam knew anything.

The clock was already showing half past eight, but Cas waited patiently. He had left his trench coat in the room today, knowing how much Dean liked him without the coat.
He had spent the whole day preparing the food. Sure, he could have ordered the burgers, but he wanted to make something special with the food. He had prepared everything himself. The bowls and the plates with toppings were waiting on the kitchen table while the meatballs were kept warm in the oven.

At quarter to nine he heard the door of the bunker open and when he heard the familiar 'Cas, I'm back' he knew Dean was back. But he remained sitting in the library without saying anything. Dean would now go to his room for a moment before he came into the library. Dean knew that Cas's favorite place was there and he also knew that he would find the angel there.

Cas heard Dean come into the library. From the entrance hall you could see the room itself, but not the tables in the library.
"Cas, where-" Dean stopped his question. The room was darkened and lit only by two large candlesticks. Dean looked at the table first, then at Cas, stunned.
"Did I miss anything?"
Cas shook his head and walked towards Dean. "Dean is so beautiful, especially by candlelight", he thought. Cas took him in his arms and held Dean. Dean was surprised by the gesture, but returned the hug no less strongly.

"I missed you, you know?" Cas muttered, his head resting on Dean's shoulder.
"Cas", mumbled Dean and kissed Cas on the temple. "Hey, I've only been gone a couple of days and nothing bad happened."
"I know that, but I missed you anyway. When you're not by my side, I feel so alone. Even though I almost always know where you are."
"I'm sorry!", whispered Dean. Cas squeezed him a little tighter. He didn't want to get into it now. He had mentioned to Dean once that he wished for a return of the time in Purgatory sometimes. A time when they could both be who they really were. Where they didn't need to stay in one of their rooms late at night, book rooms in motels, or make up cases just to spend time as a couple. Dean had been very distant after this conversation and had tried to explain to Cas that he wished for nothing more, but just didn't have the heart to do it.
The thought of this conversation made Cas very sad right now, because he knew that this would never ever happen anymore.

Cas sighed softly and released himself from the embrace. He stepped back a little, put one hand on Dean's face and smiled at him.

"Now let's have some food, shall we? I'll get the things and you go sit down."
With these words Cas disappeared towards the kitchen and Dean sat down at the table. Shortly afterwards Cas came back with bowls and plates on a big tray. Dean made big eyes.
"Cas, what is this?"
"These, Dean, are the individual ingredients of a burger. I know you like to eat them, but I thought we might mix them up ourselves tonight." Cas had, while he was talking, spread the bowls and plates on the table in such a way that both of them could easily get at everything. He now sat down opposite Dean and smiled at him again. Dean swallowed.
"Cas, you are crazy!" Dean said softly. "But because of that... I love you."
Cas just looked at him and said nothing. They started to eat.

Dean told him about the last case he'd handled, and Cas listened. When Dean was done, he felt like he'd been there with him. "This will be our last case," he thought and swallowed. He had a big lump in his throat.

"Cas?" Dean's questioning voice brought him back. He cleared his throat slightly and looked at Dean.
"Yes?"
"Man, where are you with your mind?"
"Oh, so here and there. What is it?" Dean looked at him and Cas knew he must have noticed something.
"Well, I asked you, what was it like here? How are Sam and Jack?"

Cas told Dean that they were both doing well and that Sam had found a case. Since it was going to be an easy case, he had only taken Jack with him, also to get the boy out.

Meanwhile they had finished eating and Dean thanked them for the nice idea. Cas smiled. He loved it when Dean was happy, and right now he was.
Cas and Dean put the bowls and plates together and brought it all into the kitchen. They didn't wash it off, though. They went back to the library.
Dean sat back down in his seat while Cas turned on the vinyl record player. They could have used one of their mobile phones, but Cas thought that wasn't appropriate.

They listened to music and talked. Cas got up in between and changed the vinyl records. It was mostly the music that Dean liked listening to the most.
As it got to eleven thirty, the Led Zeppelin record that Cas had last played ended. Now he put on the vinyl record he had chosen for his 'confession'. It was one of his favourite records and he hoped that it would give him confidence.

It had probably taken him longer than the times before, because when he turned around now, Dean was standing right in front of him.
"I thought you got lost", Dean said softly and smiled. Cas could do nothing but stare at Dean.

The library was still dark, only the candles illuminated it. And these candles were now standing so that it looked as if Dean had wings. Cas opened his mouth. Dean giggled.
"Cas... Tell me, what is it with you today-"
This is where Cas interrupted him. He threw himself into Dean's arms and pressed their lips together. Dean must have been surprised, because he could barely keep his balance.
Cas kissed Dean like there was no tomorrow.

As if struck by lightning, he broke away from Dean and inhaled. Dean also breathed heavily, but grinned at Cas.
"Cas, what the hell was that?"
He couldn't ask any more questions, because Cas pushed him against one of the bookshelves and his lips were back on Dean's. Even though this kiss began as stormy as the previous one, Cas slowed the pace. He wrapped both arms around Dean's middle and pushed against him. Dean responded by wrapping his arms around Cas's hips and kissing back. So they now stood in the dark library for a few minutes.

Cas was the first to break away and smiled at Dean.
"I told you I missed you. Hey, what's up? The music's not playing?!" Cas released himself completely from their embrace and went to the vinyl record player. The smile disappeared.
He put the needle on and went back to Dean. He pulled Dean a little bit away from the shelf and took him back into his arms. Again, Dean responded. He put his arms around Cas's hips again while Cas wrapped his arms around Dean's neck. The music began.

Don't...
Don't close your heart to how you feel.
Dream...
And don't be afraid the dream's not real.
Close your eyes,
Pretend it's just the two of us again.
Make believe this moment's here to stay…

Touch...
Touch me the way you used to do.
I know...
Tonight could be all i have with you.
From now on you'll be with someone else instead of me...
So tonight... let's build this memory.
For the last time…

Hold me now
Don't cry
Don't say a word just...
Hold me now...
And i... will know though we're apart
We'll always be together
Forever in love...
What do you say when words are not enough?

Time...
Time will be kind once we're apart.
And your tears...
Tears will have no place in your heart.
I wish I...
I could say how much i'll miss you when you're gone.
All my love for you will go on and on and…

Hold me now
Don't cry
Don't say a word just...
Hold me now
And try... to understand that...
I hope that last you'll find
What you've been searching for.
Though I won't be there anymore...
I will always... love you…

While the song was playing, Cas and Dean had moved slowly swaying to the music. Wrapped tightly in each others arms, spinning in circles. Dean's head resting on Cas's shoulder and Cas's head in Dean's crook of the neck.
"Cas?" Dean tried to push Cas away, but Cas clung to him.
"Cas, please! It's gonna be weird. Cas?"
"No, Dean. Please don't." Cas murmured in Dean's crook of the neck.
Moments later Dean managed to push Cas away from him so far that they looked at each other. The song was still playing in the background.

Hold me now
Don't cry
Don't say a word just...
Hold me now
And I... will know though we're apart
We'll always be together
Forever inlove
What do you say when words are not enough?

"Cas, what's wrong?" Cas was shaken lightly by Dean. "You cry! Why are you crying?"

What do you say when words are not enough?

"No, no, no", Cas thought, "this can't happen. I gotta pull myself together. I got something to say to Dean. I knew it was gonna be hard, but so hard? Dean is so happy. I haven't seen him like this in a long time. Ugh, I can't. But I have to..."
Cas swallowed.

"Cas, what is it? You're scaring me!"
"Dean, I..." Cas looked at Dean, tears streaming down his face. "I..."
"Yeah?!"
"Dean, just hold me now…"

Playlist:

*YouTube* - playlist?list=PL_ed_QYWzlcEC1Wp8peuIgETI0kJFJ6Xf

*Spotify* - playlist/6k3qFh2Ed63admYBkDetws?si=I3r2nZ60QLqdQgu9z3a6dw&fbclid=IwAR0m8odqLHA-e1vIrvqyHXloYUdPTIH639stF32H5_gmpZ40brEHLMdpgZU *Deezer* - de/playlist/7521810022