Dean or „Always On My Mind"
When Dean woke up the next morning, Cas was not with him. If they were alone, so if Sam or Jack or whoever wasn't there, they spent the morning together in bed.
Now Dean turned to his right side, he didn't want to get up yet. There was something on Cas's pillow, but with his eyes not yet fully open he couldn't see what it was. He rubbed his eyes a few times and then leaned on his elbows. What he saw now astonished him. He blinked and looked again. In fact...
A bouquet of roses, the most beautiful roses Dean had ever seen and a cassette.
"Huh?!" thought Dean and watched the cassette.
"Cas Love Tracks" was on it, and something else that made Dean smile. Cas had written "To Dean" very neatly in Enochian. Dean shook his head in amusement. "Oh, Cas," he sighed softly. Then he got up, got dressed quickly, picked up the mixtape and the flowers and went into the kitchen.
When he got there, he put the flowers in a glass, since they had no vases. He left the cassette in his trouser pocket. Then he made himself breakfast. Since, as he saw, there was hardly any food left, he decided to go shopping afterwards.
His phone was buzzing. He pulled it out of his pocket and saw it was a message from Sam. When he opened the message, his brother and Jack smiled at him. Dean rolled his eyes, but he had to grin. 'Our case is going well and as I heard from Cas, you got home safe last night. I hope everything is well with you and you are enjoying your time together?' Sam's message said.
Dean took a photo of the bouquet and was about to send it when he remembered that it was total nonsense. He read the message again. Something confused him.
'[...] Enjoying your time together?' How did Sam... Well, maybe Cas had mentioned it.
He shook his head briefly, got up, and put his plate in the sink. Then he grabbed a jacket and went to the car.
He'd been driving for a while on Highway 281, and he remembered he had Cas' tape. He pulled it out of his pocket, took the cover off and put it in.
The first song was 'Right Here Waiting' by Richard Marx. Dean looked a little surprised in the direction of the cassette but decided to let it go. Songs 2 to 4 were 'It Must Have Been Love' by Roxette, 'Nothings Gonna Change My Love' by Glenn Medeiros and 'Power of Love' by Frankie goes to Hollywood.
When song number 5 started Dean had to smile. It was 'I Will Always Love You' by Whitney Houston. This choice of music was so typically Cas.
"If Sam knew I was listening to this kind of music, I bet he'd look at me in a weird way," Dean thought.
He and Cas had once, when they had made up a case to get time alone, made a movie night. They'd spent a few days in a motel a few states away from the bunker and had rented some of the greatest love stories in history.
In this list were: 'Dirty Dancing', 'Gone with the Wind', 'The Notebook', 'Pretty Woman', 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', 'When Harry met Sally...', 'Out of Africa', 'Notting Hill', 'City of Angels' and of course 'Titanic'. But their absolute favourite of the 30 or so films they rented was 'Bodyguard'. Therefore it is not surprising for Dean that the song of Whitney Houston was included.
Dean was happy. Cas had done everything right with the tape. And now when he thought about it, he admitted to himself that he had been holding out on Cas for far too long. He decided as soon as he got home, he would call Cas. He would ask him to come by and then tell him that in the future he would stand by him in public. Let the others think what they wanted to think.
Now he noticed that there was no more music playing. He took out the cassette and looked. More than half of the tape was played. Dean frowned, put it back in, and rewound a little bit. Nothing. "Hmm," he did, repeating the process until the end of the tape was reached. He took the tape out, turned it over, and put it back in.
He didn't expect what he heard now. It was Cas.
"Hello, Dean." Break. Dean looked at the tape. "Cas?," he whispered.
"Yes, Dean. You're probably wondering why you're listening to me right now. Don't worry, I'm not the car again, like I was back then. No, this time I actually played it to the cassette. When you say it like that?"
Dean smiled, he could very well imagine how Cas had tilted his head when he asked this.
"Anyway. The reason I recorded this is because I need to tell you something. Actually, I wanted to tell you this yesterday. That's also the reason for the dinner. But I couldn't make it. You looked so happy and relaxed, I just couldn't."
Cas cleared his throat and Dean suddenly had a very bad feeling.
"Dean...Let's start slow. I hope you saw the bouquet of roses and maybe you looked at it?! Let me explain. The purple rose in the middle is to tell you that for me you were l'ove at first sight'. The red roses around it, eight in number, represent the unconditional love I have given you since we were together, in purgatory and afterwards. The eight dark pink roses represent eight years of gratitude. It is not a matter of course and that is why I am grateful that I was allowed to spend this time at your side. The last eight roses are orange. They stand for the years in which I was with you and in which I was so happy and felt so safe as never before."
Cas had stopped talking and Dean heard him sobbing. Meanwhile Dean himself had driven to the side, because he was crying and could not spot the road anymore. Cas had scared him many times before, but this time he topped everything.
"Dean, what I want to tell you is that if you're listening to this, it's over. I'm never gonna come to you, never hug you, never tell you that there's always hope. We'll never have movie night again, we'll never eat together anymore, never fall asleep together again. Never again will we solve a case together and most importantly, this is the last time-"
Here Cas broke off in a tearful voice, waited briefly, cleared his throat and then continued speaking in a husky voice.
"This is the last time I can tell you that I love you! Please Dean, always remember that I did what I did for you and also for your brother. Please remember that."
Cas's voice had become low and Dean stared straight out the window. He couldn't believe that what he heard here was real.
"I made a deal with the Empty. When we brought Jack back. The Empty had appeared in heaven as a black, liquid mass and occupied the angels Naomi and Dumah. So she had found Jack's heaven and told him he was going to the Empty, not hell. The Empty would be much worse.
We fought, but eventually she agreed to let me take Jack's place. So that the boy could go on living. But unlike usual, the Empty let me live on. She just said she'd come to collect payment when I was really happy. Then she'd come and get me, as punishment for waking her.
I had hoped that feeling would never come. But when you said 'I love you' last night, I could sense that you meant it. You were sincere and I was so happy. But after we went to sleep and you fell asleep, the Empty came. I was able to negotiate with her enough to give me a few more hours to say goodbye. Sam and Jack both got a letter. Do you have any idea how much my arm hurts after writing that much?"
Cas laughed briefly. It was not a happy laugh.
"But I made this tape for you. Mixtapes are very special and I know that the deal is different for you and me than it is for Sam and me or Jack and me. With Jack you were supposed to get back the little brother you never had.
Dean, I'm sorry! I'll take our last night to eternal sleep as a reminder of the good times. ... So... I only have time to tell you once again that I'm truly sorry and also to tell you that there will be no way to get me back. The last song on this tape is one of our favourite sad songs because it describes us so well."
A short break followed, then:
"Farewell, Dean."
Dean could feel the anger building up inside him. Anger about Cas, and anger about himself for not knowing.
"Cas, you idiot!" Dean yelled. With his right hand he slapped the steering wheel a couple of times angrily, with his left hand he held on to the steering wheel begging for help. But there was no support for the fall he was experiencing just now.
When the song started, his head fell on the steering wheel and he cried without restraint.
Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
And maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have
If I made you feel second best
( Girl ) I'm sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
And maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
I guess I never told you
I am so happy that you're mine
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
Dean sat up straight again and wiped the tears from his face. "Isn't life a bittersweet melody?", he asked himself. "At the time, Cas told me that if everyone else had left, he would be the only one by my side. And now", Dean smiled sadly, "now everyone else is here and he is gone. What an irony."
Tell me
Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
I'll keep you satisfied
During the last verse, Dean had started the engine and was driving off. Lost in thought, he had just driven back on the road. If he had looked over his shoulder or in the mirror, he would have seen the truck approaching from behind. But this way...
The truck hit the Impala with full force and threw it into the roads ditch opposite. There the car overturned and came to a halt on the roof. The cassette continued to run.
Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind (you were always on my mind)
You were always on my mind
"Sir?" In the meantime the truck driver had arrived at the Impala.
You were always on my mind (you were always on my mind)
You were always on my mind
"Sir, can you hear me?"
The tape clicked, it was over. "Farewell, Cas!" Dean muttered, which sounded more like gargling.
"Sir, did you say something?" The truck driver turned to Dean with the phone on his ear. He had dialed 911 and now he knew the ambulance was coming.
Five minutes later the ambulance came, but the paramedics couldn't do anything for Dean anymore.
Dean and Cas had both remained true to the name of the song. Their thoughts had been with each other until the end.
(A/N) I'm sooooo sorry!