Chapter 13
The ending theme music of his cartoon played and the Master blinked, realizing he'd been staring at the screen without seeing it. He'd missed the entire episode.
"Can you rewind?" he asked the TARDIS.
'Certainly,' she replied, obliging immediately.
He had to struggle to pay attention during the familiar opening voiceover.
He'd been drifting a lot lately... As if there was some puzzle he was trying to solve.
One which he couldn't remember.
One two three four, his heartbeats sang, over and over.
Never give up.
One two three four...
Never give in...
And the new voice in his head which seemed to have a problem with every decision he made was seldom quiet these days, chattering its opinions away in the background.
The Master sighed.
'What is wrong, Little One?' the TARDIS asked.
"I don't know," the Master responded curtly. "If I knew, maybe I could fix it."
'Perhaps,' the TARDIS agreed. 'Or perhaps someone else could.'
It made sense to ask the Doctor for help...
He realized he had thought of that before. Many times.
But he shook his head, knowing now that was impossible.
"I can't tell him," he said. There were rules, limitations. He was a pawn on a chessboard, only allowed to move as the game dictated.
'I know,' the TARDIS said. Her voice was comforting, grounding. So different from the rest of the chaos in his head.
"What am I supposed to do?" he asked helplessly.
He felt sometimes as if he'd been doing this forever. As if he was Sisyphus with the boulder, eternally pushing to the top, only to slip and fall inevitably once again. Tantalus forever stretching to slake his thirst.
He knew he'd made progress.
He knew that progress had been undone.
Still, he kept repeating the same pattern. Stuck in an endless loop of attempt and failure.
Unable to age. Unable to learn from his mistakes. The future holding the same unknowns as the past he had already lived.
A pointless march towards the very place he had just come from.
At times like these, when he was alone, he could feel it so strongly, even if he couldn't remember it...
He felt like nothing.
A meaningless repetition.
As if he himself was merely an echo of the drumbeats in his mind.
Caught in the span of a heartbeat, like a specimen under glass. Like a toy, wound up only to perform the same dance, over and over, eternally.
The TARDIS's voice broke into his thoughts again, interrupting his daze.
'Keep fighting,' she said.
The Master laughed grimly.
"As if I have a choice," he answered.
Because he couldn't ever stop, couldn't rest.
His nature fought whether he wanted to or not.
Without him even being aware of what he was fighting.
He was at once the unstoppable force and the immovable object. Contained within a single mind. An unbreakable standoff. A puzzle with no solution. An unending, meaningless war.
A diabolical punishment indeed and he had to applaud whomever had devised it.
Although he wasn't quite sure what he was being punished for...
He was certain many people would have opinions about that.
They always did.
Even when he was on their side. Condemning him as a whole regardless of his specific actions. Ignoring the parts which didn't fit their chosen narrative.
Casting him as the antagonist for their own egocentric reasons.
Maybe he wasn't the only one in the Universe who devised enemies to oppose.
The Master thought back. Fighting had used to be fun, once upon a time. It almost seemed like a dream amidst the stakes of the Time War.
But he was fighting for the Universe. For all of Time and Space. For everyone.
The Master shook his head, appalled at the unfairness of his present situation.
Shouldn't they be grateful?
How had his good behavior earned this?
He was doing his best, he really was... Whoever had seen fit to cause him so much pain, he was on their side.
How was this his reward?
Perhaps this punishment was for something he hadn't even done yet, he decided fatalistically.
He frowned as the ending credits began once again and sighed.
"Can you rewind again?" he asked the TARDIS.
She did.
'As many times as you like, Little One.'
He's watching Gargoyles (1994), btw.