A/N: Sorry this update took so long. Grab your tissue boxes! You will need them!

*Many thanks to sendtherain for beta'ing.

*I own nothing. No copyright infringement intended.

...

Chapter 8 -

He stood there, taking her in, only half-aware that he was freezing, half-aware that his heart was hammering through his chest. He made a mental note to scold Cisco for telling him Iris wouldn't be there when he had clearly schemed for her to show up. Even the minor argument with himself on whether Cisco was in the know about her arrival dissipated into nothingness, because he could hardly breathe. His mouth was dry. He knew his eyes had to be watering.

Iris West was in front of him wearing that dress.

It was enough to kill him right on the spot.

He wasn't sure if she'd worn the dress to spite him outright – on the off-chance he'd end up at the party even though she'd likely been told he wouldn't be there, same as he'd been told about her – but the effect was the same. He wasn't mad. He was just rattled, spellbound, starstruck; same as he'd been the first time he'd seen it on her. Like a woman had appeared before him, too beautiful to be human, and told him she was his. And despite feeling that he could never measure up to someone as incredible as her, the love in her eyes defied every protest he would have offered up. So, he didn't offer any up. He took her into his arms and loved her. He didn't know how to do anything else.

But that was then. He wasn't any less starstruck now, but he knew he couldn't take her into his arms. She wasn't his anymore. He needed to remember that.

"What are you…doing here?" he asked, managing to find his voice.

Iris raised one eyebrow and folded her arms beneath her breasts, enhancing her cleavage. Unable to stop himself, his eyes lowered but then quickly snapped up again. The hint of a blush crept up his neck when he swore he saw the hint of a smile twitching at the corner of her lips.

"You really didn't think this might be a set up?" she asked.

He shrugged and sunk his hands into his pockets.

"It did occur to me," he said and looked away, focusing his attention instead of the city lights spread out beneath them. "I guess I just didn't want to believe my best friend was lying to me."

He hadn't meant it to be a dig at her, but he could tell she took it that way. Her shoulders tensed the minute the words spilled out of his mouth, so he knew she was thinking about it…all those times she'd lied straight to his face that she was going to drop a story when she had no intention to or the multiple dates that she'd been late to because she'd been busy 'at the office.'

"They mean well," she offered up, clearly trying to separate their present from their past. "It's awkward…us not being together when we were for so long."

"Seven months." He nodded, still not meeting her gaze.

She didn't have anything to say to that. Silence descended. The tension was heavy. He almost couldn't breathe.

"I can go if-"

"No," he said, finally looking back at her. "You shouldn't be alone on New Year's, Iris. And you're part of the team. Everyone here is your friend too." He took a breath. "You should stay."

A forced smile from her and a subtle nod. Okay.

He crossed the roof till he reached the far side, his hands still in his pockets as he took in the city once more. No more than a minute passed before Iris was standing beside him, her goose-bump riddled arms brushing his jacket.

He glanced over at her, debated a moment, and then, "You're cold."

She shook her head but rubbed her hands up and down her arms. "It's chilly."

He shrugged out of his jacket.

"Oh, no, Barry, it's not- You don't have to-"

But she didn't reject the garment when he draped it over her shoulders.

"Thanks," she said quietly.

He pretended not to have heard her, and she pulled the jacket closer around her. Mere seconds later he felt goosebumps ripple down his arms and neck. He wouldn't dare ask for the jacket back though. Her arms were practically bare. At least he was wearing long sleeves.

"Are you coming back to STAR Labs?" he asked, trying to get his mind off how cold he was. He could vibrate to warm himself up, but then it would be obvious to Iris he was cold, and she'd probably drop his jacket on the ground by way of refusing to take away his warmth.

He hadn't foreseen the effect of his words in that moment though, had hardly thought about them as they slipped passed his lips to be honest. But now, with the silence between them, he turned to look at her and saw her eyes wide and her jaw dropped. He mentally kicked himself. It seemed he was incapable of speaking without unintentionally throwing her under the bus.

"I just came back the other day," he said; an attempt to smooth things over. "If you're not coming because you're afraid I won't want you there…"

He caught her gaze again; this time it was a little curious.

"Well, you don't have to worry about that."

"You…you want me to come back?"

He hesitated. Was that what he really wanted? To have her back in his space every day? The living proof that they weren't together anymore? Wouldn't that destroy his momentum? Keep him from functioning properly? Knowing that he'd let the love of his life walk away because he'd finally snapped and didn't think it was something they could come back from?

"I…" he finally began. "I just don't want to be the reason you're not coming by. If you want to be there, you should be."

She pursed her lips and turned her gaze back out towards the city street, then nodded once. He could feel the tension in her again.

"I see."

The seconds ticked away. It was excruciating standing here next to her. The tension was unbearable. And why hadn't anyone else come up to the roof yet? Why couldn't he help organize the cortex and speed lab if there was so much to do? He had super speed. It didn't make sense why he wasn't allowed to help.

But as he looked over at Iris again, saw the gentle breeze brush the tendrils of hair around the side of her face, saw her shiver slightly even as she pulled his jacket tighter around her, he knew he wouldn't leave even if he was summoned. Everything had been a set-up. He was foolish to think otherwise, even in his own mind. Iris had more or less confirmed it, whether she'd been in the know or not. And if their friends were pushing them to get back together, there was no way he'd be allowed to separate himself from Iris until that was accomplished.

You could speed away, he told himself. But being this close to her now…did he want to?

"Iris…are you okay?"

She turned to look at him, tears shining in her eyes. It shook him to the core. He stood, spellbound, gazing at her, unsure if she'd flinch or back away if he tried to touch her. Suddenly nothing mattered more than keeping those tears from falling onto her pristine face.

She took a breath, and he wondered if she was gathering what insults to throw at him – or tucking them away neatly so she wouldn't lose her temper.

He should've known better.

"I miss you, Barry." Her voice cracked.

His legs wobbled slightly. He felt light-headed. The lump in his throat was enormous. Take her into your arms, damn it! But he couldn't. They weren't together. He didn't even know if they were friends. Just how much could be allowed without completely changing everything again.

"I miss you, too, Iris," he managed.

Her bottom lip trembled, and she turned all the way towards him.

"Isn't that enough?" she asked.

Yes! Yes! Yes! His heart shouted at him, thrumming loudly in his ears.

But he had to be smart. He could say yes tonight and realize in the morning that it was the wrong answer.

"Has anything…changed for you, Iris?" he asked hesitantly.

He knew what the answer would be before it tumbled passed her lips, but the briefest of moments he let himself believe things were different. He wanted her to tell him she wouldn't be so reckless, that she would mind his warnings, and be grateful for his rescues instead of resentful that he'd prevented her from achieving what she wanted.

"No," she said.

He could see the fire in her eyes, the righteous indignation that he'd ask her to put aside her passion for her safety. Obviously he wanted her to live life to the fullest, but he wanted her to live too.

"I miss you, Barry," she repeated. "I love you."

Chills spread all over his body.

"I love you, too," he rasped, his heart thundering in his chest. "Life without you is hell."

"Then don't live it without me!" she begged, letting the jacket fall to the ground as she wrapped her arms around his neck and somehow managed to pull him closer.

"Irisss," he slurred, her nose brushing his chin as she breathed him in.

He was weakening, and he knew it. She was just so god damn intoxicating. It had been over a week since he'd been this close to her, since he'd been a breath away from kissing her. He was going out of his mind with the urge to wrap his arms around her and grant her unspoken wish by closing the remaining distance between them.

"It's almost New Year's," she sniffled, and he knew if the tears weren't running down her cheeks, they soon would be. "And I would really…really like if I could share my first kiss with you."

She lifted her gaze to look at him, all the love that she had in her staring up at him. It stole his breath.

Almost unconsciously, his hand lifted to her face, and then the other. He could see the warmth and relief pass through her as he did so, her eyes closing and then opening again with a gentle smile.

God, it would be so easy to just forget again.

Her lips looked incredibly inviting; and her skin was soft, supple. He could imagine how their night could go, ending up at his place or hers, replacing a break-up scene with a make-up one, ravishing each other late into the night and early morning. Everything inside him ached to do exactly that.

One of her hands dropped to his waist; the other glided down his cheek. Her eyes dropped from his eyes to his lips and back again. He could've sworn the tip of her tongue darted out for a beat. Was she imagining the same ending to their night as he was?

"Don't think, Barry," she whispered.

So he didn't.

He lowered his lips till they were a second away from brushing hers, to completing the journey to a happily ever New Year's Eve, and maybe a fresh start for them.

But then –

Bzz.

He halted, his eyes opening to find Iris' eyes wide open too. Her brows furrowed, and so did his.

Bzz. Bzz.

He felt the vibrations coming from his pocket and realized what was happening.

"I- I should take-"

"Right. Yeah. Of course." She cleared her throat and pulled back as he turned away from her.

She wondered who could be calling him right now. It was terrible timing. She'd caught Barry finally. She'd convinced him to give them another chance – or at least seduced him into considering it. Maybe Linda was right. Maybe they didn't even need to use a fake story to get his attention. She was doing it right now with her heart on her sleeve, being 100% honest about how she felt and what she wanted.

"What- Linda, I don't understand. What are you saying?"

Horror whipped through Iris when she heard those words. There was only one reason Linda might be calling Barry tonight. She'd been unable to persuade Iris to come with her, and as far as she knew her best friend was alone on New Year's Eve. She'd neglected to tell her that she was going to the STAR Labs party, because she'd been so on-the-fence about it until the very last second.

Her phone buzzed in her clutch. She had a horrible feeling, but to avoid the penetrating gaze Barry was now shooting straight at her – and it was not pleasant – she opened the purse and pulling out her phone. One text from Linda. Given she was currently on the phone with Barry, it must have been delayed.

I'm telling him now. You're not spending New Year's alone!

Iris closed her eyes in anguish. Her best friend was so sure – so sure – she was doing her a favor, that this would work. But when she looked up at Barry again now, she knew it wouldn't. He was furious. And since his fury was coming after their heart-to-heart instead of before, anything she'd say now other than a denial would likely fall on deaf ears.

"Yeah, I'll talk to her," he said dryly into the phone. "Thanks for telling me, Linda."

Click.

She swallowed hard, fighting to keep his eye contact, to stand still instead of running for the nearest escape.

"That was Linda," he informed her, as if she hadn't heard every word he'd just said to her. "She's pretty freaked out about something you're planning to do, asked me to stop you before it's too late. I wanted to tell her there's no way you would do something so stupid and reckless."

She tensed, fury building in her again.

"But maybe that's just who you are now," he spat.

The moment had passed between them, but that hardly mattered, because Iris no longer had a desire to bring it back.

"I'm stupid?" she pushed. "If I'm so stupid, why did you ever date me in the first place?"

He scoffed and shook his head. "Don't," he warned.

"What? Don't tell the truth?"

"Is this the truth, Iris?" he demanded, his voice rising. "You're going to go undercover into one of the most dangerous underground gangs in the city and become romantically involved with the leader's son in order to get information and exploit it in an article? Are you out of your mind?"

He was waving his hands around, enraged, but she was the one barely managing to control your temper.

"Would you have done this if we were still together?" he roared. "Would you have cheated on me for a story?" he scoffed.

In the back of her mind she shouted – No! Of course not! I love you! I would never do that to you! You're more important than anything!

But she was too mad to tell the truth.

"Maybe I would have," she said coldly.

The anger immediately drained from his face to reveal an intense sadness and a paled complexion. He couldn't seem to find words. She couldn't either. Regret heated her skin as the devastation remained immovable from him. There was nothing she could say though to erase the damage.

He took one step back, then two, almost stumbling over his own feet, but then he was gone and she was left there shivering in the cold; the only evidence that he'd been there was his jacket lying in a heap on the floor. She held back a sob, wiping away the unstoppable tears as the door to the roof opened again.

"Iris?" Cisco asked softly, a bowl of popcorn in his hands as Caitlin stood beside him with lights.

"I need to leave," she said, speed-walking across the roof.

"Iris-"

"I can't stay. I'm sorry."

And then she was fleeing down the stairs with no other explanation, just grateful she didn't run into HR with his awkward, inappropriate comments, because she could not deal with that right now. She held herself together well enough in the elevator but once inside her car she broke down.

How could everything have gone so terribly wrong?

They'd been on the verge of fixing everything, but now…

"Go to Hell, Barry Allen," she huffed, but her heart was screaming.

Come back to me. I love you.

Her head fell into her arms on the steering wheel, and she cried until she couldn't cry anymore. Then she drove home.

…

At 11:45, Barry got a text from Linda, asking what had happened. He was still angry, but he'd calmed down a great deal, and so decided to call her to tell her what had transpired.

Much to his shock, in response she revealed how none of it had been true, how it had just been a ploy to get his attention because Iris thought he was avoiding her and she wanted to reconcile.

Guilt washed over him, and regret, but it didn't change the words Iris had spewed back at him in her anger.

"She would never cheat on you, Barry," Linda insisted over the phone. "She loves you. I'm sure she was just angry."

"It doesn't matter," he said after a while. "Nothing has changed."

He could practically hear her crumbling on the other end. She'd obviously put so much work into this plan of hers and Iris', and here it had backfired more than either of them could have possibly anticipated.

"Barry-" she tried.

"I'm going to go see her."

"What?" she asked, alarmed, probably very hesitant to be hopeful.

"To talk," he emphasized. "I don't expect things to work out, but it's been several hours. Maybe we can…finish the conversation we started before you called."

"You guys were-"

"I almost kissed her," he admitted.

She gasped and then groaned. "God, I ruined everything."

He wasn't in the proper mindset to reassure her.

"Goodnight, Linda. Happy New Year's."

Her half-scoff, half-laugh was the last thing he heard before he hung up on her.

…

Standing on the porch of her apartment, Iris had never felt so alone. Not at any moment in the past week had she felt so terribly alone and heartbroken as she did right now. The words Barry had spewed at her had completely gutted her. She knew he was referring to what she would've done, not who she was, as being the stupid thing, but in her mind they amounted to the same thing. Her passion to find the truth was her identity. If he couldn't accept that, he couldn't accept her. It was a fatal blow no matter which way she looked at it.

And then yet again, the words 'for a story' shot at her with such disgust ricocheted off her, making her want to do all sorts of terrible things to him. In that moment, she wanted to hurt him in ways he'd never been hurt before. Of course, the second she attempted even one of those passing thoughts, the pain on his face served to stop anything further. He had hurt her, and she'd retaliated, but it wasn't worth it. It never was. She just wanted it to end, but any ending she foresaw wasn't one she could be happy with. Either she essentially stopped being an investigative journalist and got her loving boyfriend back, or she refused to back down and lost him possibly forever. She couldn't imagine ever being as happy with anyone as she was with him, but if he couldn't compromise even a little, she was better off without him.

Are you though?

She closed her eyes, aching inside all over again.

A sudden whoosh blew her hair around her face and the skirt of her dress she hadn't yet taken off whipped around her legs. He stood in the shadows, but she knew who it was.

"Come to ridicule me again?" she spewed into the darkness. Her voice was cruel like before, but the hint of tears in it gave her away.

"Linda told me," he said softly, taking a step towards her.

She turned towards him and leaned against the railing.

"She told you it was a lie?" she asked, eyebrow arched.

"One crafted to get my attention."

She looked away. She wouldn't deny it.

"I didn't know she was going to tell you tonight." She sighed. "The way thing's were going, I was going to tell her to call the whole thing off."

He was quiet for a moment, and then he took a step closer.

"I'm sorry for the things I said."

She looked over at him, studied his face and decided he was telling the truth.

"You don't think I'm stupid?"

"No," he insisted. "I never did. I think you're extremely reckless, but you're one of the smartest people I know. I was just…" he sighed. "I was just…"

"Angry," she finished for him.

"Hurt."

"You were hurt after-"

"No, I was hurt before. I was hurt that you might cheat on me for a story – and I know you wouldn't. And I know any story is not 'just a story', but…"

"It's not enough."

He hung his head, pursed his lips, then said, "No. It's not."

She sniffled. "I can't do this with you, Barry. I can't do the back and forth." She looked at him. "It's killing me inside."

"I know. It's killing me too."

"So, what do we do?" She folded her arms against herself. "Just…end it? Walk out of each other's lives forever? You said earlier tonight I should come back to STAR Labs. I don't see how I could possibly do that now."

He sighed and wrapped his hand around the back of his neck.

"I don't know how we're going to move forward, Iris," he admitted. "But what I do know is we can't fix what's broke when we don't have the tools to do it."

She huffed. "And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means… I love you with my whole heart. I always will. You will always be the love of my life. But that doesn't mean we can make this work. No matter how badly we want to."

She wiped away the tears running down her cheeks.

"So, why are you here then, Barry? Are you expecting an apology from me?"

"No. I know you didn't mean what you said just like I didn't."

She let out another sigh by way of response. She wouldn't argue that. He was right.

"I came to apologize," he said.

"That's it?"

"No."

"Then what?"

She tried not to snap at him, but she knew the question hadn't come across as merely curious.

"I came to give you your first kiss of the new year, Iris," he said gently.

"And our last kiss," she added. "This is how you end things."

"Better than a screaming match at my apartment."

She sighed shakily, but nodded. "Yes. Better than that."

He lifted his watch to see the time.

"Almost midnight?" she asked.

He met her eyes.

"10…9…8…"

"7…6…5…"

"4…3…2…"

His lips covered hers, soft and sweet. His hands cupped her face, his fingers threading through strands of her hair. He slanted his mouth across hers while her hands slowly wrapped around his waist again and pulled him closer. He savored the moment even as his heart broke, knowing it would be their last.

Finally, Barry released her. He wiped away her tears, his eyes drinking her in as the sad smile swept across his face.

"N-No, Barry." She grabbed hold of him before he could slip away from her. "Don't go. I-I can't. I-I can't do this without you, I-"

He wrapped his arms around her in a tight embrace as she cried into his shoulder.

"You'll be fine," he said, sounding stronger than he felt.

Iris relaxed enough to stand on her own and let him unwind from her.

"The Flash will save you if you're not."

She nodded and swallowed.

"Happy New Year, Iris," he said, taking her hand in his and kissing the back of it.

"Happy New Year, Barry," she sighed shakily.

A soft smile, a gentle nod from him, and then he was gone.