Full Summary: The adverse effects of unknowingly imbibing Babbling Beverage while intoxicated include the urge to chatter incessantly, dizziness, short-term memory loss, and spilling your secrets to a fake version of Draco Malfoy.

Story Length: Three chapters total, about 13,000 words.

Universe: Canon-compliant until epilogue, completely disregards epilogue.

Disclaimer: All characters from the Harry Potter universe belong to JK Rowling; no money is being made from this story.

Hermione burst out confidently (or rather, stumbled inelegantly) into the brisk night air. The doors to the Leaky Cauldron shut behind her with a loud bang. Standing still seemed rather silly (and also, challenging) so she backed against a wall outside the pub and slid down until she could sit in reasonable comfort.

Ginny had told her to stay right outside where she could see her. Ginny was such a good friend. Good as a sister. Too bad they could not officially be sisters, but that's life, you know? She and Ron just did not work out and that's all right, they were ever such good friends still. Friends are important, yes, especially friends like Ginny. She didn't have a lot of girlfriends, possibly because she had trouble connecting with women her own age, she didn't know why, it had just always been so.

"Er… all right there Granger?"

From her crouched position, Hermione squinted up at the person addressing her. It then occurred to her that she had been speaking aloud the entire time. How freeing! Her thoughts tumbled out of her mouth and into the ears of the polite questioner standing above her.

Hermione realized the person addressing her was Draco Malfoy. She grinned widely at his puzzled face and then burst into laughter.

"Oh this is just… too much!" she cackled and gasped for air. Malfoy looked down at her helplessly, seeming more confused than before.

"Granger, can you stand? What's wrong with you?"

Hermione only laughed harder. "Oh this is too good, even for Ginny! I can't believe she figured out how to have you here for this and so soon! I mean, I only just told her tonight and here you are! I'm sure George is involved somehow." Hermione leapt to her feet so fast that Draco took a startled step back. Unperturbed, she closed the distance between them and peered into his face, looking for clues.

"Hmm, this is a very good prototype. Too good, in fact. I really never gave Fred and George enough credit when we were younger you know, when they were really quite brilliant together but I have to say George has really cracked it here! The resemblance is uncanny and—"

The doors to the pub opened again. Vaguely, so vague it barely registered with her, Hermione heard a conversation happening around her. The only thing she could truly focus on were the thoughts pouring uninhibited from her own mouth.

"Hermione! There you are!" cried Ginny and tugged on her arm.

"Hey Malfoy, Harry said you're free to go."

"Will she be all right?"

"Fine, it's just a heavy dose of Babbling Beverage."

"Ah, that explains a lot."

"Ginny! Ginny, Ginny, Ginny, you are unbelievable you are! I cannot believe I confess my deep dark secret to you not hours ago and you go and make this happen!" Hermione gestured at the blond man in front of her. Hermione suddenly staggered, feeling quite dizzy. Two pairs of hands seized her and held her upright.

"You need to get her home."

"Couldn't help me, could you? The Aurors set an anti-apparition perimeter all around Diagon Alley hoping to catch whoever did this. I'll have to walk her across the whole thing and Side-Along her home."

"Fine."

Hermione had one arm slung around a rather trim, masculine waist and her other over a pair of feminine shoulders.

"Oh well, this is a rather nice way to be escorted home! Not that I really need an escort, you know, I am a perfectly capable independent woman and—"

"This is more than Babbling Beverage, she's off her rocker."

"No kidding. She had a few drinks before the last one was spiked. That's the working theory of the Aurors anyway."

"Ahh, makes sense. Mixing alcohol with Babbling Beverage leads to this, uh, situation."

"—I was always insistent I do things my own way and that's a funny thing you just said about potions and alcohol! Potions before beer, you're in the clear! Beer before potions leads to unwise notions! I've never personally combined the two of course, the adverse effects are rather—"

"She won't get sick, will she?"

"Nope, but she'll kill for a Hangover Potion tomorrow."

"—I don't often go out on weeknights like this, but Ginny absolutely, positively insisted, and then she went ahead and made me tell her the one thing I swore I would never tell anyone, but I just could not hold it in anymore! It takes its toll, you know, keeping secrets and I just had to tell someone that I sort of fancy—"

"Hermione, NO!"

"—Draco Malfoy and she swore she wouldn't tell a single soul and she didn't even make fun of me for it and then this copy shows up and I'm so impressed at the amount of magical manipulation needed to render such an accurate imitation—"

"Oh sweet Merlin, Malfoy, she is going to kill me tomorrow. Why is she spouting off her innermost feelings? I thought Babbling Beverage just made you overly talkative, but she's acting like they shoved Veritaserum down her throat!"

"So she fancies me, huh?"

"You would focus on that, pompous git."

"To answer your question, the urge to chatter incessantly obviously comes from the Beverage. However, when you combine a particularly strong batch with alcohol, the drinker will feel inclined to divulge their inner thoughts as they occur because of how their inhibitions have lowered. It's not truth serum, because she could refuse to truthfully answer questions if she desired, but the compliant feeling that accompanies consuming copious amounts of alcohol coupled with the urge to ramble from the Beverage and you get… this."

"—why you never told me, Ginny? Or was this meant to be a fun surprise for me?"

"What are you on about Hermione?"

"This! This Mock Malfoy! Is this a new product of George's? It's positively brilliant, but I think some people would use this for nefarious purposes, so I really don't think it's wise to spread about the fact that you can create effective body doubles of whomever a person desires—"

"Desire me, do you Granger?" asked Mock Malfoy.

"Hermione, don't answer that!" cried Real Ginny.

"Oh, absolutely, I mean have you seen Draco Malfoy? His hair color cannot be natural, but I'm sure it is, because it seems to be hereditary, and it positively glows, it's this really lovely shade of white-blond and looks ever so soft and—"

"Malfoy, stop, don't encourage her! She's going to be completely humiliated tomorrow morning when she remembers saying all this to you."

"She won't remember, don't worry."

"I assure you, she will. And when she thinks back on how more mockery came out of your mouth—"

"Malfoy's mocking mouth, Malfoy's mocking mouth," Hermione sang in a sing-song voice. "Hey! This reminds me of a limerick I just made up!" she asserted with the air of one about to deliver a royal proclamation.

"Malfoy's mouth is wont to smirk,
his lips will disdainfully quirk.
I'd jump him for a ride,
but it would only ruin my pride,
so I shall keep to the shadows and lurk."

A burst of gleeful masculine laughter from her right told her that Made-Up Malfoy was greatly amused. "Oh Granger, you are fun! Why didn't you ever let on?"

"Excuse you, I'm plenty of fun! You just never bothered to get to know me! Your loss really, I'm quite delightful if I do say so, and Ginny thinks so, don't you Gin? Speaking of delightful, do you know what fills me with delight? Draco Malfoy's sartorial choices. I do find it interesting that George has chosen to clothe you in such informal wear, I mean plain slacks and a button-up is positively plebian for Draco Malfoy. Merlin, that man can dress, but I suppose when you have more money than God, you can afford to dress well. He dresses like his father, you know, which actually isn't a bad thing, and if he had to inherit something from Lucius, then I suppose fashion sense is preferable. Good lord, his father was an evil, awful person and I'm glad Draco Malfoy's making his own way in the world, but you could not deny that Lucius dressed well. It's a very good thing Draco keeps his hair short, because he already resembles his father so, and the long hair would just be too much. The short hair suits him too and—"

"Hmm, so you like his hair and how he dresses…" summed up her Simulated Slytherin.

"Yes, those finely tailored robes have so many buttons. So many buttons all the way up his chest and throat and it gives him this sort of refined, restrained look, but I bet it would be ever so much fun to undo those many buttons one by one and—"

"Merlin, Hermione, you are going to seriously regret all this," bemoaned Guardian Ginny.

"Ginny, come on, his robes look delicious on him! And he wears a fancy kerchief round his neck like some sort of Regency era gentleman and I'd bet an awful lot of gold that it's made of the finest silk, possibly Acromantula silk, which is banned you know, but anyway it's very expensive and I would love for him to tear it off his throat and use it to tie my hands above my head and—"

More guffawing from her Pretty Pureblood Prototype and more exasperated sighing from her Good Girlfriend Ginny.

"Leave her alone, I'm begging you, this isn't fair to her. She doesn't realize what she's saying."

"Relax, Red, I've just told you she won't remember a thing."

"Why won't she remember?"

"Therein lies another convenient side effect of alcohol plus Babbling Beverage. The victim will have no recollection of their time while dosed. Once it's out of her system, she'll be fine, but with no memory of this."

"I forgot, you're the Potions expert or something at the Ministry right?"

"—Malfoy is the Junior Head of the Potions Department for the entire Ministry and if he succeeds the current Potions Master he'll be the youngest one in more than 200 years at the age of 26, which is really quite an achievement and speaking of achievements, Ginny you never confessed to pulling this Decoy Draco off the shelves of George's shop—"

"Decoy Draco? Hermione what are you on about?"

"Well he's obviously a fake, I mean any witch worth her salt would be able to spot that. I just want to know how he invented him so fast! I mean, Merlin, did George just have this technology lying around waiting to be used? I think—"

"Stop laughing at her!"

"Lighten up Weasley. Come on, don't you find it slightly amusing that she thinks I'm a product of your brother's joke shop?"

"—and you know, I've spotted the difference between the real Draco Malfoy and Malfoy Mach-2 here because I've observed him for quite a while now and—"

"Oh do tell, Granger, how do you know I'm the fake?"

"Well since you asked, I'll tell you. Now, they've got the physical features down pat. The hair is perfect, but so is his, so now I'm wondering if there was perhaps some element of Polyjuice involved? Yes, that would make sense, because all the physical attributes are spot on. You smell positively delicious, but I'm sure it would be quite simple to figure out what type of cologne the real Malfoy uses and use that on Magical Malfoy here. I've never been close enough to smell the real thing for myself, but oh there was this one time in the lift where I was stood next to him and the lift sort of jerked and I was thrown into him for a moment but he backed away so quickly and he was ever so polite about it. Now I'm wondering if I should have fake stumbled into him or something because, Merlin, this Fake-O Malfoy smells divine so I'm sure the genuine article is mouthwatering and—"

"Hermione, please, stop talking," groaned Genuine Ginny.

"Oh come now Granger, don't listen to her, we're just getting started and we've got a bit of a ways to walk yet! Do tell, what else do you admire about me? You still haven't told me how you know I'm the fake."

"I'm getting to that! As I was telling Ginny here tonight, Malfoy is the Junior Head of the Potions Department. His superior is brilliant but rather lazy and he often delegates more menial tasks to Malfoy like giving the monthly report to all the department heads. Let me tell you, that is my absolute favorite day of work each month—"

"Why's that Granger? Don't you find those reports rather dull?"

"Oh Merlin no! He's very thorough and so articulate and obviously it's my duty as the Head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures to ensure I attend all his presentations and take excellent notes. As if I would do anything else! But oh goodness, his voice. His voice is pure sin and I—"

"Hermione. Hermione for the love of Merlin, do not keep talking."

"—I could listen to him for hours. I could listen to Draco Malfoy read Spellman's Syllabary and it would sound so sexy coming from him. He always leaves time for questions at the end and I always make sure to ask one even though I absolutely don't need to. He gives great reports as I've said and I'm rather clever, you know, I've no trouble grasping potions theory, but I always make sure to ask a question—"

"Why's that Granger?"

"Please Malfoy, stop."

"Will you relax? It's a harmless attraction, we're all adults and our little lush here won't remember a thing. This is the price for roping me into dragging her across town."

"Oh I have to ask a question. How else would I get him to pay attention to me? That's when it happens, you know, the thing I both want most and fear most at the same time…"

"Hermione, don't!"

"He calls on everyone one at a time, so polite yet personable, using their first names. No idea how he's able to remember every single person's name in the room but I have to assume it's due to his aristocratic, pureblood upbringing. I guess some good things stuck with him from those horrid traditions. Anyway, he doesn't even ask anyone to introduce themselves, just points at a raised hand and their name rolls right off his beautiful tongue. He'll say 'Valeria' or 'Darien' or 'Caroline' or 'Desmond' or 'Mikael' or 'Andrea' and then he'll point at me. Do you know what he says when he calls on me? He says 'Granger.' Always 'Granger.' 'Granger' forever."

"What would you rather he do?" teased Made-4-U Malfoy.

"Well therein lies the rub! Oh just once, just one time, I want him to call me Hermione. Just say Hermione. But do you know what would happen if he did? If real Draco Malfoy called me Hermione to my face? I'm—"

"Hermione, DO NOT FINISH YOUR SENTENCE!"

"—I'm fairly certain I would climax on the spot."

"Oh my Godric… Malfoy please, please do not use this against her. Please just forget she ever said that."

Make-Believe Malfoy was gasping for air against her as he almost doubled over in laughter.

"It is rather hilarious when you think about it. Merlin, it sure feels good to get all this off my chest!"

"So, what happens after he calls you 'Hermione'? Where does this little fantasy of yours go?" asked Manufactured Malfoy.

"Oh he'll ask me to wait around after his presentation so we can discuss the finer points of my question. I only ask the cleverest questions, you see. And we'll get to talking and talking and be so wrapped up in our discussion that we'll have to be kicked out of the conference room because another meeting is set to begin. Then he'd suggest we move this conversation to my office and we'd—"

"Shag?"

"Ow! What the hell Weasley?"

"Don't be crass, you pervert!"

"Hey, Granger started it!"

"—we'd discuss his presentation and of course there just wouldn't be enough time to finish all the points we're both trying to make because of course we'd probably disagree about something foolish and start arguing. But then he'd suggest we continue our discussion over dinner and what follows would be a proper date out and—"

"Why all this set up? Why not just ask him out?" asked the Fake Ferret.

"No can do, Mimic Malfoy. Haven't you spotted the difference yet? The difference between you and the real Draco Malfoy?"

"Can't say that I have. Enlighten the class," goaded her Slytherin Simulacra.

Hermione sighed sadly. "You're being ever so nice to me, aren't you? Holding me up, helping me get home safely, having a conversation longer than two minutes, you've yet to throw an insult my way, no, you've been teasing me, sure, but it lacks all the usual cruelty—"

"You think him cruel? Your real Draco?"

Hermione shrugged. "Not anymore perhaps, but he certainly wouldn't deign to touch me in this manner, not when I'm, well, me."

"Granger, listen, he doesn't believe in all the bloody purity nonsense. Not anymore."

"Oh, he doesn't?"

"Fuck off, Weasley. No I don't, all right?"

"Have you told her that?"

"I apologized to her after my trial years ago, not that it's any of your business."

"No I know that, and I know he used to espouse those beliefs, but he was indoctrinated by his parents, it's really quite unfortunate to have a childhood like that. Plus he did apologize to me, actually I think that was the longest private conversation we've ever had, brief and awkward as it was. That was years ago though. I forgave him, of course, I thought him rather sincere and he's been polite to me at the Ministry when we cross paths, but I think it's safe to say that I'm not sure he'd be quite this accommodating. I think I'm rather nothing to him, don't you?"

"Bit harsh there, Granger, I don't think of you as 'nothing,'" said Mal-faux.

"Now I know you're just a sort of automaton with his face, but let me explain this to you. I am not a stunningly attractive woman—"

"Hermione, yes you are! Don't put yourself down that way!" said Human Ginny.

"—I'm not Gin, especially not to someone who looks like Draco Malfoy. I've too much hair, which is a feature he's always hated, he used to tell me so in school. At least I've had my teeth fixed because that was the other attribute of mine he used to mock. No, I rather think that at worst, Draco Malfoy considers me hideous and at best, he doesn't think of me at all."

Hermione slumped sadly against her Draco Double. "He'd never let me get this close to him. And that's fine, I know my worth, but it's nice to dream you know? You're not a human, I'm not sure you can understand the sort of desperate longing for a person you cannot have that can take hold of you. I'll get over it I'm sure—"

"Happy now Malfoy?"

"No. No, not really."

Hermione changed topics then, babbling about her hopes for the investigation into who spiked some of the mead at the Leaky Cauldron, while her two supports had lapsed into silence at her sides.

"I think we've reached the boundary. I can Side-Along her from here."

"Could I have a moment alone with her? I'll be quick, just let me say something."

"I thought you said she wouldn't remember this?"

"That's sort of the point. A few minutes, that's all."

"Fine, make it quick."

"—and I know that new Auror unit was just established for these types of incidents and—" Hermione felt herself being shifted and then both her arms were on her Dream Draco's broad shoulders. He held her up easily.

"Listen, Granger. I don't have a lot of time, but there's something I need to say to you."

"Oh please do, I really do enjoy your voice and your eyes are a distinct silver hue that is very pleasant to look at when you speak—"

"I need you to know that I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry. You have no idea how much of a coward I really am. Merlin, I'm so pathetic that I can't even admit these things to you without the guarantee that you're going to forget it all tomorrow. I had no idea you felt that way about me. You want to know the real reason I never look twice at you? Why I avoid you at all costs? Why our interactions at work are reduced to polite nods in the hallway and indifferent conversations? Because I could never, ever deserve you. Of course I didn't consider you romantically, how dare I? I never entertained the thought because it's so impossible for someone like you, someone so innately good, to ever look at me and see me as someone worthy of her time. If I'd known… Granger if I'd known how you felt maybe… maybe things could be different. Fuck, I don't know. Just… don't think poorly of yourself because of an arsehole like me."

"You're not an arsehole… anymore. I do have confidence issues, I can concede that, especially when it comes to my physical appearance, but I'm working through it, you know, some days are better than others and—"

"You are beautiful. Truly, you are. Don't let anyone tell you differently."

"Oh, well that's a very nice thing to say, you know your mouth is gorgeous and I stare at it a lot when you're speaking. I never knew what a beautiful mouth you had because for most of my life it was spewing slurs at me—"

"And I'm so sorry for that. You've no idea how sorry."

"—bygones and all that, we've already had that conversation—"

"Perhaps, but it seems I'm still hurting you even now, though unconsciously so. If I'd known you'd be at all receptive to my advances, perhaps I would have acted. But you're not going to remember this, and the least I can do for you is keep your secret." Mechanical Malfoy sighed sadly then pressed a chaste kiss to her cheek.

"Aren't you a Slytherin?" Hermione mused aloud.

"Pardon?"

"I said, aren't you a Slytherin?"

"Last I checked that was my Hogwarts House, yes."

Hermione huffed and rolled her eyes. Machine Malfoy was not very bright, his human counterpart would have figured this out by now. "Did I not just hand you the complete guide to wooing me? I not only divulged all the ways I find you attractive, but I told you exactly how you affect me! Any worthy Slytherin would take this trove of information and use it on me! Honestly, the only thing you're missing is the itinerary for my fantasy first date with Draco Malfoy!"

"Go on then, Granger. Tell me." Auto-Malfoy was smirking now and it was so like the Draco of her reality that her heart fluttered.

"Well, obviously I told you how to ask me to dinner and I think dinner is always a good first date idea. Somewhere fancy, too, one of those restaurants where they take your coat and refill your water after every sip! Somewhere I can wear an expensive dress and impress you with how nice I look outside of the office. I'd even try and tame my hair and—"

"What kind of food do you like?"

"Oh, I think French would be lovely! I bet real Malfoy speaks French, his mother's family is from there originally, you know. I once looked up his family tree in the Hogwarts library because I was so fascinated by the Black family tapestry that hung in Sirius's house and—"

"As it happens I am fluent," boasted Mecha-Malfoy.

"Wonderful! And don't tell anyone this, I mean it, but I absolutely loathe when men try and order for me when we're out to dinner, but my French is rather poor so I'd let Malfoy order for me and not only that, I'd enjoy it—"

"Noted. And should I bring flowers?"

"Oh yes please, it's been an age since a man has brought me flowers, especially before a date. I'm partial to tulips but really, anything besides daisies because I thoroughly detest daises, I think they are—"

"When does the night end? Do we go somewhere for drinks after?" questioned Mirage Malfoy.

"Hmm, depending on how well dinner went, and dessert too, we'd definitely get dessert even though I'd claim to be too full, I'd really want dessert… then I'd like to take a nice stroll and we could continue whatever illuminating academic discussion we were having over our meal and he could escort me to my door. I'd be ever so tempted to invite him inside, but it's only the first date and even though I'm wearing my favorite pair of racy knickers, which is more of a confidence thing, really, I'm not expecting Malfoy to see them or anything—"

"Sweet Salazar, Granger, you could kill a bloke with a statement like that," groaned her Doppelganger Draco.

"They're a lovely blush pink color but like I said, I'd rather not shag after only one dinner and—"

"Are you amenable to a bit of snogging?"

"I am indeed! There's this spot on my neck just below my ear and I often wonder what it would be like for him to kiss and bite that very spot while I run my fingers through that hair of his and—"

"Merlin's fucking beard… I better go now but I'll see you at work tomorrow, Granger. Just know that I'll spend all night thinking of you in a tiny pair of blush-colored knickers."

Hermione beamed as Mirror-Image Malfoy stepped away from her and winked.

"All yours Red!" he called and handed her over to Living, Breathing Ginny.

Right before she was pulled into the dark nothingness of Side-Along Apparition, a thought occurred to Hermione.

"Hey Gin, do you think George built that copy of Draco Malfoy with a working cock?"

"OH MY GODRIC HERMIONE ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?"

Hermione was certain her head was going to split clean in half. She blinked awake slowly, fighting the pain throbbing in her temples. The sun seemed too bright, her mouth too dry, the blood pounding in her ears too loud…

Ugh, just how much did she have to drink last night?

She sat up gingerly and tried to remember what happened, but found it only pained her head more. A glass of water, a pair of vials, and a slip of parchment on her nightstand caught her eye. The note left by Ginny read:

"Good morning sunshine!

I imagine you're feeling just awful on this beautiful Friday morning, and for the record, the fault lies not with me! I've left you a Hangover Cure and a Sober-Up, so take both straightaway. I know you'll want to go to work today, but for the love of Merlin, please take the day off. You were dosed with a pretty strong Babbling Beverage last night and the combination with the mead you drank means you probably have some memory gaps. Not to worry, I got you to bed safely and Harry's team is investigating the incident. Now get back to bed and Floo me later!

Love,

Gin"

Hermione downed the two vials and felt her head clear instantly. Babbling Beverage plus alcohol eh? No wonder she'd woken up feeling like she'd been trampled by a hippogriff. She made a mental note to ask Ginny later if she'd said anything funny out loud. The combination of the potion and beer probably meant Hermione had been loudly loose-lipped towards the end of the evening.

Chuckling to herself, Hermione showered and deliberately disregarded Ginny's advice to stay home from work today. Today was not the day to call in sick. No, today was Hermione's favorite day of the month: it was the day of Draco Malfoy's monthly report to the Ministry department heads.

A/N: Chapter 2 of 3 will be up in the next few days. Thanks for reading!