This idea came about as I was writing my big fic as one of the possible scenarios and yeah. As summary says, it contains a former character's death. I don't want to spoil it but if you think I should let me know. PS. thank you so much for being so kind about my fics so far and pps. may upload big fic here or not as its still a WIP on ao3...anyway.
Hailey never stops watching Jay.
It's different now, though. Where once it was all about measuring him, seeing what he was like as a person, her partner, whether he'd be one she had to second-guess or worse than seeing what lay below his carefully cultivated habit of keeping people at arm's length and being met with the realization that he was mostly scared.
And scarred. From abandonment, from whatever his past stole from him and that he kept locked away, compartmentalized.
Now, it's this deep sense of care, of compassion, of knowing that he's one of the best people she's ever met.
Jay runs into danger as casually as a person eats a bar of chocolate, goes for a run or takes a bath or a shower. He's as unselfish a partner as she could have wished for, never mind hoped for.
He gets her, every bit as much as she thinks she gets him which is impressive given that mostly all that she gives of him is the present Hailey, scarcely any hint of what it was or the events that led up to this Hailey
Today is no different, she's watched him all day and everything was normal until just over an hour ago when his cell had vibrated and he'd looked at it with a mix of surprise and delight, a mix Hailey's not seen on Jay's face a lot, maybe once or twice, before.
She'd heard him say "Oh my god, hey man," as he'd disappeared into the corridor and had smiled at his obvious pleasure.
Nothing made sense when less than three minutes later, he'd walked back into the bullpen, his free hand, covering his mouth and his face ashen, slumped into his chair seemingly oblivious to Hailey, Kim and Adam's concerned exchange of looks,
"You okay, man?" Adam had asked.
"Jay, what's up? Do you need anything?"
Of course if Adam and Kim watched Jay all the time like Hailey does, they'd know that Jay will half-ass his response in the way he does right now, his distracted reply completely unconvincing but enough to get Adam and Kim to back off.
It's harsh to even think that for a second Hailey knows because they both seem unsurprised, they don't respond, they just quietly sit back and knowing them both, they'll still send concerned glances across to Jay trying to convey telepathically at least that they have his back.
Jay's so far away right now though, some uncharted universe is probably too close.
Hailey waits. Looks at the time on the monitor in the moments she's not watching him. Jay's staring at his phone as though he's willing it to call again. Perhaps deliver a different outcome from the first time around.
For just a second when he stands up, she thinks his legs won't hold him up and he has to grip onto the edge of his desk to support him before he takes a shaky breath in and out , presses his eyes shut and reaches blindly for his jacket that's on the back of his chair and almost runs as he exits the bullpen, the door slamming shut behind him.
Without hesitation, Hailey picks up her own jacket and follows the direction Jay left in and finds him in the parking lot, sat in the drivers seat of the truck.
She opens the passenger side and climbs in.
"Thought about going without you, knew I'd never heard the end of it if I did."
Hailey would smile, she'd tease him ordinarily but the way Jay speaks, flat monotone but with a tremble in his voice that doesn't suit him, that she's heard before of course but not like this, not when she hasn't a clue what's bothering him, what changed in the space of less than three minutes.
Instead, she settles for as calm and as warm a response as she thinks Jay needs right now.
"I'm here Jay, we can go wherever you want," then as an afterthought she adds, "I can drive?"
His quick shake of the head doesn't surprise her.
"Need something to focus on right now," he says quietly, the tremor still there.
Hailey almost responds but Jay's already reversing the truck and exiting the parking lot within the space of thirty seconds and she doesn't think he'd hear anyway. She looks out of the window, trying to gauge where they're going, someplace new maybe? Except, it's not and as the truck slows and Jay turns the engine off, she waits to see what happens next.
"Come up with me," then with a hint of pleading in his voice, a tone that she doesn't associate with Jay, he adds, "please?"
He could be suggesting walking into a burning building with no firefighters existing in the entire city and of course she meant it when she'd said she'd follow him anywhere, she'd follow him then too. This isn't a burning building though, it's Jay who needs her.
"Like you need to ask," Hailey replies gently and he nods quickly, his eyes looking anywhere than in her direction before he opens the door and jumps out.
He's quiet all the way up to his apartment, staring into the distance, he looks fragile, brittle, like he could break at any moment and maybe this time whatever's happened, he will.
Hailey's been to Jay's apartment a couple of times so the ordered calm around the place feels familiar, it's not uncomfortable order, it's restrained domesticity. Everything in it's place but still enough about it that suggests someone real rather than a person so regimented that there's no character in the apartment lives here.
Hailey shuts the door behind them and stands still, waiting, watching out for Jay who's disappeared into his bedroom, the door almost shut behind him, it's quiet, just the sound of drawers opening and then nothing.
Nothing at all until Hailey realizes the sound she'd dismissed as being outside the apartment because it's so unfamiliar, so out of place here, is here. It's in Jay's bedroom and as soon as Hailey realizes she can't get there fast enough.
Jay's sat on the floor, photos strewn around him, breathing heavily, his posture rigid, no hint of Jay crying so maybe her original thought was correct and maybe she should leave him to it except she's here now so Hailey takes a couple more steps around the edge of the bed across from Jay, close but not too close as she lowers herself to the ground.
Watching him, not taking her eyes from him. Waiting patiently, as long as she needs to, as long as he needs her to not crowd him but just be here. Close to him.
He opens his mouth and she hears the breath as he goes to talk a couple of times but then he shakes his head, holds the picture he's clutching onto closer to him and screws his eyes shut for a moment before he opens them again, opens them to a reality that seems to have turned his world on its head so suddenly.
"A fucking Humvee accident on base too, not even out on patrol, not even an accident with a rifle, the type of accident that could've happened here, all those warnings, all those times I told him it could end only way if he wasn't careful and all it took was an army vehicle," despite the words, despite the anger that would normally come with these words Jay's voice is so hollow, he sounds so defeated.
Hailey waits.
He drops the photo onto the floor, close enough that Hailey can reach for it.
"Can I?"
"Yeah, please," there's that tone, that word again.
Hailey lifts the picture up, it's seen better days, tattered around the edges, obviously looked at and loved many times over the years, that or forgotten and placed anywhere out of reach and battered by Jay looking for any picture, any memory other than this one.
A memory set within a photograph of several men, all shirtless, all beaming into the camera. Some old, some younger. Sat around a fire on chairs. Hailey recognizes Jay instantly. On another day, she'd tease him about the sunburn she can just about make out on his shoulders.
"The guy next to me, he died the next day," then after a shaky exhale and a shake of his head with an expression of confusion, he continues, "And the guy the other side of him, the one doing the stupid fingers thing behind my head? He died at the weekend, his name was Greg, we all called him Mouse."
It's not the first time she's heard that name. Adam and Kev have mentioned him before, usually when technology is getting the better of them, they just never mentioned him in front of Jay or if Jay walked in the room as they'd been talking about him, they'd shut up quickly.
Hailey knows that words are so meaningless at a time like this, knows they count for nothing at all, sometimes they're more for the person saying them, to fill the void of silence, to try and feel like they've done something even though nothing short of finding some miracle way to reincarnate the person lost to the other, to Jay, will help.
"I'm so sorry Jay. I'm here."
Jay shows no sign of hearing her aside from a small almost imperceptible nod which he follows up with a loud sigh, less shaky this time, and a quick glance towards the photo Hailey's still holding then he lifts himself up from the floor and leans down picking up a box Hailey realizes is filled with photographs and reaches for the photograph Hailey's holding, taking it from her and placing it in the box without another glance before he places the box in the drawer underneath his bed.
Hailey watches him, not liking the direction this is going in but not surprised, she can almost predict what's going to happen next.
"We should get back to the district," he turns away.
"Jay no, come on, we can talk, i'll just let Voight know. Everyone knew this guy right, they'll understand," then in an attempt to try to get through to him, she adds, "they will."
Jay stops, doesn't look back, "Do me a favor, Hailey, tell Voight what happened, ask him to tell everyone and please ask him to tell them not to talk about it, please?
That word again, the tell-tale emotion back to the surface for just a moment before he walks away, seemingly trusting that she'll do as he asks even though it's the worst idea, even though pushing things away, pushing everyone away is the literal opposite of what she should be enabling right now.
Of course she does it, of course he knows she won't let him not talk about it forever.
Hailey never stops watching Jay over the following days.
She can see the stress in him building, she can see the amount of times he almost talks to her. She watches as he zones out in almost every conversation in the bullpen though he covers well just like always.
Maybe Voight sees it too but he doesn't say anything because while Jay's functioning at maybe forty percent right now, his forty percent is a lot of other people's ninety percent or even higher.
Hailey waits for Jay to mention tomorrow, waits for him to acknowledge it's happening.
The pace at which they conclude the case they've all been working on reaches a frenzied level and the look Voight exchanges with her right after it's done and right after he says that they should take a step back tomorrow, relax a little bit, start later, hell start in the evening if they start at all tells her at least that Voight knows it's happening and she nods, grateful that people know Jay better than he knows himself sometimes.
It's raining the following day and Hailey waits, an umbrella covering her head, watching from a distance as the small group of mourners surround the grave.
She can just about make out Jay. Can imagine as if she was standing next to him, the way the muscle in his cheek will twitch, the way he'll chew the the inside of his mouth to stop emotions pouring out, she can imagine how he's reproaching himself for words he never said to Mouse and the things he did, the way everyone is after they lose someone quickly, without warning.
When it's done, when people start to disperse , Jay doesn't. His head is bowed and Hailey waits, gives him one minute, then two, then five, She walks over to him when ten minutes have passed.
The rain's stopped and the skies are clearing now so Hailey lowers her umbrella, closing it as she nears him, expecting him to turn around and give her a look of 'what the hell are you doing here?'.
He doesn't. Instead, he allows her to stand next to him, to stand over the grave where his attention stays fixed.
"He didn't want a fuss apparently, not that I believe his sister necessarily. They weren't close. He always said I was his family, the Rangers was his family and yet here we are, and well that's another thing I failed him on, not fighting his sister to get him what he deserved except maybe she's right, it's been a long time and emails don't count, emails don't tell me if he changed and I know I have."
Hailey turns toward Jay, not saying a word, just a presence, someone to listen, a place for his words to reach.
"He's so much a part of who I was, am," he amends, "Without him, I don't think I'd still be here, having him work in Intelligence with me was incredible you know, seeing the way he turned his life around doing that. That it gave him the strength to go back there even though back then and right now, I wish I'd handcuffed him to the desk. I wish him being here right now wasn't because he's down there where I can never tell him how much i loved him, how for a while he was the brother Will absolutely wasn't back then."
"Jay, you just did."
Jay breaks his focus to look at Hailey.
"You just told him and I'm pretty sure that sun shining in the sky is his way of telling you it's okay, he knows."
"That's cheesy," Jay replies, slightest hint of a smile appearing at the edge of his mouth, "I'm taking it though, I like it."
Hailey watches him, watches as his shoulders relax a little.
"That picture, you know the picture you saw?" at Hailey's nod, he carries on, "I'm the only one still alive now, look at all the times I've almost died and yet all these people are gone, I don't get it."
"I don't think we're supposed to. I don't think we're meant to get it Jay, I just think we grow to get used to it."
"I know that really, I do. I'm just." Jay shakes his head, not finishing whatever he intended to say.
"I'd be more surprised if you weren't," Hailey responds as if she knows, and she thinks she does, she thinks Jay could speak another language altogether and she'd get him, she'd understand him, "You wanna get out of here? I don't think Voight expects you back today and I'm driving so you can get drunk and I'll take care of you."
He shoots her a grateful smile, the first genuine smile in days Hailey thinks but the smile disappears as quickly as it arrived.
"I don't want to leave yet, it'd be good to stick around for a little bit longer. He always hated being the last one around, I don't want to leave h-."
Some people have reserves that can last for the longest time without breaking and there are some people who crumble when one bad thing happens and that's fine. Jay's one of the former. If you added all the things he's lived through even just since Hailey's been his partner, it's a wonder he's not broken, it's a wonder that he's still the person she would reach out to when and if she ever feels she wants to open the gigantic can of worms that is her own past.
He's still the person she'd walk over burning flames for.
Today maybe just for a moment Jay's reserves are out, they're done, they're through. He cries quietly, the only sound his shuddering breaths which he doesn't try to suppress for once.
Hailey reaches out for Jay's hand, lacing her fingers in between Jay's, drawing a breath, feeling the comfort that she needs as much as him she thinks.
His tears subside and he gently pulls away before he lowers himself to the ground, undoing the button of his army blazer as he does.
"Thank you," he says glancing upward, squinting as the sun shines brighter now.
She shakes her head, "It's what partners are for Jay, I'm here, I'll wait however long you need."
His voice is quiet but his words are certain, his smile as genuine albeit fleeting as she's ever seen it, "Greg, he would have loved you," then he looks away.
For a while, Hailey knew her emotions, trusted them, trusted that when she felt more for someone, she'd know how to act except here she's lost. Thinks she has been for a long time where Jay's concerned. Anyone else and she'd have acted long ago.
The look he gave her after what she'd said then the look he gave her after he said what he'd said, those are two moments when it's different, where there's something there that she can almost reach out and touch but she's too afraid because now isn't the right time to question it anyway, just like it wasn't the time before and the time before that, just like how it'll be next time too.
For now, she's just grateful she can be here, that Jay hasn't pushed her away, she sits down just a little way from him, in silence, comfortable peaceful silence punctuated by the sound of birds.
No matter how inconvenient, no matter how she wants so much more but is afraid of what it could mean if he doesn't feel the same, Hailey never stops watching out for Jay.
And she doesn't think she ever will.