Day 4:
I could never stop admiring at how cute she was. The way she would run around, eager to play. The way she'd bark, calling to me, 'come on Elsa, we gotta play!' She was a fluffy bundle too hard to resist. I loved her so much. Her eyes were glossy, and her irises would barrow deep into my heart. We were together, for once again. No more worries. All was fine.
The glow from the light resonated off of her. Even though she was a lady, nothing about her properly made it so. She was such a child and I've always loved that in her. She had woken up with her mane a frizz. The glisten of the charcoal red on her was wild and free. It could never be tamed, even by the worst of the outside world. She would tackle it head on. Embracing the terrors of the cold. She would slide on it as if she was the boss. The one who'd embraced the snow and Ice, the bitch was in love with it. In love with the element of the cold and unfeeling. The winter ignored whatever she did. It didn't empathize or care for her, but she could never love it any more than she did. Oh, how naive of her to love something so unfeeling and cruel.
It was clear that she had it rough. Poor girl, anyone could spot the mild whimpers of her deep pain leagues away. She was abandoned for most of her life. Ignored by those who loved her. Pity her soul. She wasted her life trying to love until she was thrown out. All alone she was. May the ignorant of her be Damned. I'm sorry you had to go through all this. It was my fault.
But things were different. Today, I could see more snow than Ice now. The blizzards became nothing but mere legends now. The rays of the warm sun have begun to thaw its heart, and I hope she could notice it. The snow was fluffier, but did she know. Oh, how distant she truly was from knowing. How could she? She's just a child. For the first time in forever, I could finally say, 'I have always loved you,' and actually show it. Now my biggest wish is if she could receive my message. My biggest and darkest regret, not being able to tell her before it was too late.
During the short time we had together, it was very taxing to realize my own problems. I didn't know how to take care of her. How could I protect and nurture her if all I could ever do was harm? She was out of my control. I couldn't do anything. With all my neglect, it was clear that she couldn't stay. I'd try to walk away from her, but she'd follow me. Shooing her, only gave me heart attacks when she would try to touch me. Hiding was no use; she could never miss me. But despite her blind clinginess, I could clearly see her own decent into suffering.
In the morning, she was alive. Jittery in movement and energy. But throughout the evening, she became sluggish. Her red main not as wild as it was before. The glitter in her eyes rusted dry. Her whimpering and begging for my love and attention, louder and more agonizing. I wish I could do something. I truly did. I've tried for so long, but never could I ever keep my demons tied together. I just wanted to help. I didn't know how else I could've done so.
The poor girl got stuck. The love of her life became cruel. It had snatched her leg in a small hole. She struggled to get out.
'Come on you can do it, you can do it' I would say, doing all I could to encourage her. She'll try and fail, and just look up at me, smiling.
'Come on, come on, you can do it,' I say again. If she got herself into this mess, how could she not get out?
Every time I say it, she'd try. Less and less she'd push with each and every try.
'Come on, come on, you can do it, please.'
'try again, please.'
'come, on.'
o
'come on.'
o
o
She wouldn't even try anymore. She'd just look up at me blank, but her expression was very loud. The puppy eyes couldn't stop begging.
'Elsa, help me, come on.'
'please, Elsa.'
'Don't shut me out.'
o
'Don't shut me out.'
o
o
'Don't…'
o
o
o
o
o
Never again. Not at least without a fight.
Closer and closer, I could see more and more. Her smile. Her freckles. The dimples on her cheeks. The way she looked up to me. I saw her.
With the utmost of delicacy had I ever tapped into in so long, her snag was no more. I managed to shake the snow off around her, and just avoided crushing her leg. Never have I once tamed my demons for such a moment. It was blissful. It gave me warmth.
But with tragic misfortune, I was careless. I couldn't keep my guard up. I couldn't help but feel. I felt too much. She knew that I did. At the first sign of my vulnerability, she got closer. Close turned to too close. Too close turned to intimacy. She had to show her love; she couldn't help it. The gentle snug of her head on my hands. It was the first we ever felt each other. And with the cost of my thawed heart and sane mind, it was the last.
"In deepest sorrows and greatest love. In memory of you I won't forget.
My fasted heart which bathed in harsh frost. A brief moment's time filled without regret.
In highest highs which face lowest lows. I have lost my strength to hold my hard moan.
I'm sorry for what I've done my love. In deepest grievance, my heart tears alone."
In forever loving memory. Rest blessedly, and may no harm ever come close to matching my foul wrath.
To my dearest,
~Ann
The tomb stone and burial of Ann could be found somewhere south west of the north mountain. Unfortunately, the puppy was lost to the elements.