Holding on to Forever

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the ideas

Thank you for your ongoing support, it is appreciated.

As always I'm happy to have feedback on on improvements I can make, especially any technical/medical differences between UK and USA.

I am writing this as I can and it is difficult to write, and therapeutic, due to personal experience. Please be patient with me and I will update when I can.

. . .

Derek squared his shoulders as he stepped out of the lift and strided towards the glass doors of the BAU. He was early, but was hoping to sneak straight into his office and hide before everyone arrived. He didn't want to have the same conversation time and time again. As he pushed through the doors he noticed the blinds up in Hotch's office, indicating that he was already here too. Derek headed towards his boss' office to apologise for his absence and explain. Knocking briefly on the open door, Derek stepped inside as Hotch looked up from the files in front of him.

"Derek, please," Hotch indicated a seat opposite him. "How are you? How's your Mom?"

Derek watched his superiors brows furrow and he heard the concern in his voice. He wasn't use to pity and definitely didn't know how to accept it. He sat down and met Hotch's gaze. "I'm fine thank you, Mom appears well and is due to start treatment shortly," he kept everything matter of fact.

"Derek, I understand how difficult it is for you and your family. You have the team's full support and I will help you to gain any time you need to support your Mom through this."

Derek swallowed, hard, his fingernails digging into his palm, he now understood why his Mom hadn't wanted everyone to know, sympathy was a bitter pill to take. "Thank you," he finally muttered.

"Derek, what do you want to tell the team? I can talk to them for you if you wish," Hotch's eyes narrowed as he broke the unwritten rule and continued to scrutinise the reactions.

Highly aware he was being analysed, Derek sighed, "Pen already knows, she only found out last night, I'll let the others know at the beginning of the briefing."

"Of course," Hotch nodded, "Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," Derek stood, turning to leave, "thank you."

. . .

Back in the safety of his own office, Derek dropped his bag and settled himself behind his desk. He pulled, what seemed a relatively small pile of files, over ready to begin. He guessed that Reid had taken some to complete for him, as there should have been more.

Opening the first one he immersed himself in the details of the case he was about to consult on. The gory details of the crime scenes seemed comforting in their ability to take him away from here and now. As he spread out the file contents to compare and contrast his brain lost track of all that had filled it over the last few days. He became immersed in the photos and reports. All he could focus on was the profile he was building ready to send to the force that had asked for support.

. . .

Reid kept glancing up at Derek office as Emily and JJ spoke, he was just as concerned for their colleague, and friend, as they were but he didn't feel the need to try and second guess what was going on. Hotch had clearly told them that Derek had flown home to his family for personal reason, his tone had made it obvious, even to Reid, that there was nothing to discuss, so why the two of them felt the need he did not understand.

"Hey Reid! What do you think?"

He turned when he realised Emily was talking to him.

"I prefer not to make wild predictions, Derek will tell us if he wants us to know."

Both women's eyebrows raised at the curt tone. "Sorry . . . we were only . . ."

"I know," Reid interrupted before returning to the file he had open.

"The Boy Genius is right," Penelope added, as she closed the distance between herself and her friends, making it clear she had overheard at least some of the conversation. "Derek needs us to understand not hound him with questions and queries."

"Which means you know what the problem is," Emily stated.

Penelope rooted herself to the spot, her unusually dark navy shoes, matching her surprisingly sombre outfit, that was only lightened by flashes of canary yellow, held her fast. "What I do or don't know is irrelevant, as Derek's friend I feel it is inappropriate to discuss him like this."

"But it's ok to discuss what Anderson was doing the other weekend with Davis from Anti-terrorism?" JJ added.

"That is completely different," Penelope sniffed, "Now if you don't mind it is time to gather for our daily meet, greet and gore fest. As it is my duty to round you all up I will head up and get Derek and meet you there." With which she was gone.

. . .

The soft knock on the door startled Derek, he hadn't realised how deeply drawn into the case he had become. Glancing at his watch before he looked up he was surprised that it was already time for the team briefing.

"Its time," Penelope added from the door, as if he hadn't already noticed.

"Thanks," he nodded and grabbed his stuff, "Dare I ask where we are off to?"

"What and have me spoil the surprise?" she giggled. As Derek reached the doorway she put out her hand on his his arm, suddenly looking serious, "You ok?"

"Yeah, kinda," he shrugged.

Penelope tightened her grip, "Everyone is worried about you Hot Stuff, what are you going to tell them?"

"The truth."

. . .

Sat around the table the team fell silent as Derek and Penelope entered the room, both took their seat. Derek decided not to look up at the others, the thought of the pity on their faces was enough. He wished he had taken Hotch's offer and let the leader explain, too late now.

Hotch cleared his throat.

Derek glanced up, "Before you start the briefing, I'd like to apologise for not being here. Mom . . .," he searched round to to meet Penelope's eyes, wishing he was sat nearer to her. "Mom has been diagnosed with cancer."

The rush of murmured concerns from the team flooded over Derek as he focused hard on a fixed spot on the table. He'd done it, he'd said it, they knew. Now they could get on with the job. Something for them to focus on other then him and his family. Something for him to focus on, other than his Mom.