Chapter 22: Fluctuation

Change for autumn leaves your pillow of grass.
Would sorrow then be eating out your heart?

~Emperor Uda, Gosenshu 1365, trans. Edward Seidensticker, from The Tale of Genji

The ship wasn't the most comfortable place to be—all the humans had been through a bout of seasickness, it was always cold, and there was a lot of downtime, especially since the ship propelled and navigated itself thanks to Doctor Strange's spell—but, once she got over being seasick, Wanda found it somewhat tranquil, being so far away from humanity.

It was her turn on watch in the pilothouse. She'd brought a couple of books to read, but so far she had just felt like watching out the windows. The Sun was so low in the northern sky that she had to keep reminding herself it was noon rather than sunset. The pale yellow light glittered on the waves and gleamed on the ice floes.

She kept waiting for Vision to show up, to offer to keep her company or ask for another game of chess. She wasn't sure if he wanted him to or not.

She wasn't sorry she'd held his hand. That was something she'd needed to do to show him she didn't despise him, to comfort him and connect with him. But she hadn't wanted to stop. She'd wanted to touch him more.

How could she be falling for him? She knew he wasn't her Vision. From her perspective, the man she loved had died not even two years ago. She should still be in mourning. She was still in mourning. How could she be developing feelings for someone else?

But he wasn't really someone else. Not completely.

Sometimes she wondered if she had history's most screwed up love life.

She was deep in these troubled thoughts when she sensed someone enter the pilothouse. She recognized Doctor Strange from his reflection in the window and didn't bother to turn around.

He floated to her side. "It's been quiet," he noted.

"No mind lice all day."

"We might be getting further from the Source." He glanced at her. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Really? You seem troubled."

She shrugged.

"To be fair, considering what we're facing, and considering what we've asked you to do, and who we've asked you to deal with, it would be weird if you weren't troubled."

"Are you a psychiatrist as well as a surgeon and sorcerer?" she asked, trying to make a joke.

"No, but I've taken some classes. Besides, it wouldn't take an expert to guess you're feeling conflicted about working with this Vision."

She scoffed. "'Conflicted' is putting it mildly."

He looked at her with sympathy. "I'm sorry we're putting you through this. I really am."

"The thing is, I'm not sure I am. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. This Vision is doing great, and it's good for him to be here with us. It's good for the mission and for him. And maybe it's good for me."

"If you don't mind me saying, you've seemed...generally less miserable since we took him on."

"Maybe. I like him. I really do."

"Is it that you like him more than you'd like to? More than you think you should?"

"That about sums it up," she said. "It's horrible. I know he's not Vision. I know that. He's not the man who saved my life when I seriously screwed up while fighting Ultron, who spent hours training with me when I was still figuring out how to control my powers, who tried to cook me paprikash to cheer me up even though he'd never eaten anything himself. I would have fallen apart after my brother's death if it hadn't been for Vision. He was always there for me. No one could ever replace him. Not even his double from another world. But... I can't help but wonder, if I hadn't known our world's Vision, how would I feel about this other one? If I met him first, would I be drawn to him? Or would I fear him? Or hate him? I have no idea."

Strange nodded. "Honestly, I can't imagine what you're going through. And I wouldn't presume to tell you how you should handle it. But you will handle it, Miss Maximoff. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for."

"Am I?"

He tapped some words painted above a control panel.

Fluctuat nec mergitur.

"Do you know what this means?" he asked.

"No. Is it Latin?"

"Yeah. It means 'she is tossed by the waves but does not sink'."

"You know Latin?"

"I've been studying it. Many spells are in Latin. Also, I looked it up. It's the motto of the city of Paris. It makes me think of you. With what you've been through in your life, it's frankly amazing that you've survived. You're a survivor. I didn't realize that at first. I might have been too hard on you."

"Thanks, I guess."

"Don't get me wrong, someone needs to be hard on you, and it looks like it's going to be me, but I want you to know that I admire your resilience. You've weathered every storm life threw at you. You've survived things that would have sunk most people. You'll get through this too."

They watched out the window together for a few minutes, keeping an eye on a slightly concerning iceberg drifting ahead, glowing gold from the sunlight. When it became clear the ship would miss it, Strange said, "Here's a thought..."

"What?"

"Don't worry about what our world's Vision would think. You loved him; moving on doesn't mean you didn't, and moving on doesn't mean you're replacing him. But he's gone. He's beyond pain. Nothing you do is going to hurt him. You just need to think about your own feelings. And the Vision who's still alive."

"Has anyone ever told you that you suck at advice?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact. Often after paying me hundreds of dollars for my advice."

"I can see that. If I'd offered a penny for your thoughts I'd want my money back."

He chuckled. "If you ever need to talk..."

"No offense, but you would not be my first choice for who to talk to about this," she said.

"That's fair."

He left, and she was alone with her thoughts again. But the tone of those thoughts had altered; she could now view her confusing attraction to Red Ultron as a dilemma rather than a crisis.

The object of her thoughts himself entered the room a few minutes later. He paused at the door. "I was wondering if you would like to play chess?" he asked shyly.

A smile spread through her at his presence. "I would love to."