LOTR FANFIC
A brisk wind shuttled across the plains of Rohan.
"Funny..." Legolas thought to himself as he once again stared off into the distance for absolutely fucking ages "... I never did give that orc my number..."
"YOU THINKING ABOUT THAT ORC AGAIN LEGOLAS YOU PRIIIICK? JUST ADMIT YOU WANTED TO TOSS HIS SALAD BEFORE I CLEAVED HIM IN TWAIN."
Gimli had waddled up next to his elven friend and slapped his axe and rubbed his belly simultaneously.
Legolas snapped out of his daze and pretended he was gazing into the distance because he was sensing something ominous coming using his elf powers and not thinking about a hot orc.
"Darkness spreads in the north..."
He used his meaningful voice as his inside voice simply said "I would have cleaved that orc in twain alright..."
Legolas was a real fucking pervert.
Gimli himself was a dirty dirty man, his mind harboured thoughts filthier than the Balrogs taint, also, he had a secret,
He loved legolas as more than a friend.
He often loomed over him as he slept just to smell his lembas breath.
Yes, it is safe to say Gimli really wanted to mate with legolas, he desired deeply to flip him over and go to town on that buffet!
Both lost in their own thoughts momentarily they had failed to notice a cave troll slowly emerging from the cliff face beside them.
Their quest to rejoin the rest of the fellowship, after being split apart when traversing the Redhorn Pass in a venomous storm, had been halted when they encountered a mysterious mountain that appeared on none of their fucking stupid maps, maps probably drawn by fucking bigfoots in the eighties with a stupid fucking biro.
They had stopped to eat of hot dogs and smoke from their crack pipes.
"Chase the dragon, baby..." whispered Legolas as the cave troll raised his arms and let out a mighty roar.
The goblin crack rush hit Legolas hard and he exhaled breathing the words to Gimli "Me and you could just fucking get down and bang, dwarf..."
But Gimli, who was not a fucking deviant and pathetic elf, had not been smoking goblin crack, he had been smoking his own pubes for a silly joke, had noticed the cave troll and calmly replied to Legolas:
"It would be irresponsible for us to sex right now elf"
With this he leapt to his feet, Dwarven battleaxe firmly grisped and ready to get down.
"Up Legolas! Up and meet the foe!" Roared Gimli the snotty, snotty hairy weeble,
"Aim for his throat elf! I'm going to close in and show him how we do things at the gudwara"
Legolas loosed three Lorien arrows in quick succession, two found their mark in the cave trolls gullet and one deflected off the trolls big fucking bony chin. As Gimli set about the knees of the troll with dwarven fury Legolas noticed something, it was Gimlis big, fat, hairy fucking arse. Gimlis trousers had slid down a little and now Legolas had made a mistake, he had become distracted...
The troll finally succumbed to the repeated threshing blows delivered gleefully by Gimli and it's significant bulk crashed down to the earth, shuddering as it bled out.
Gimli turned to Legolas who stood, an arrow still strung on his bow, staring at him misty eyed. Gimli traced with his eyes down the elf's waifish frame and when he reached his groin he thought for a moment he saw Greenleaf's dagger but it was in fact a raging fucking pulsing boner.
Gimli frowned but Legolas smiled, gently, as though a fucking gross nonce.
"I am simply tumescent..."
Legolas whispered, again, like a fucking idiot.
Gimli took a step forward, paused, lowered his axe, removed his helm revealing his vile little head and hopped up while twisting in the air so when he landed he went straight into a squat revealing the sacred dwarf cornhole so rarely seen by man, goblin, orc or elf.
He began slapping his pockmarked fat fucking ass cheeks.
The undulating ripples only served to engorge Legolas's peckeroo and he began walking towards the thrashing and screaming Gimli who was truly going mad and it was all a bit of a mess down there.
Ethereally Legolas uttered "It's time the twink made the bear's eye wink..."
He pushed Gimli down so he was lying prone on his fat fucking hogs belly.
Then gently he spread the hairy, hairy cheeks and with his spare hand he grabbed his long elven hair and began to tickle Gimlis bumhole. This sent shiver down the dwarfs spine and he began to giggle and kick his legs like a really stupid fucking baby.
Legolas then took his penis and pushed it into gimlis bottom, yes that's right, that is what is happening in this story right now, Legolas is fucking Gimli in his fucking sweaty hairy arse.
That's exactly what Gandalf thought to himself as he crested a hill atop Shadowfax and looked upon a scene more heinous than any Uruk-Hai ritual sacrifice.
He threw up in his mouth and tasted the molten hot bile sting his palate.
Seeing two members of the finest Fellowship known to Middle Earth going at each other like a pair of rambunctious heathens really baffled him, a wizard who usually took pleasure in the unusual and unexpected.
And unexpected it was when what he thought he was clutching was his staff was actually his towering and rock solid willy.
He watched as Legolas got in and around Gimli's hulking rear end like a ninja rescuing his townsfolks grain and he felt his penis powering up.
Oh no. This had happened before.
His seventeen inch ding-a-ling unleashed a hyper beam that would make a Dragonite blush and with that the whole universe dissolved into a single atom as once it had existed.
The End.