It is not my fault. It has never been my fault. I had no choice. Sansa has spent her entire reign repeating those words to herself, but she has never quite succeeded in believing them. She lies awake at the Hour of the Wolf, sleep escaping her, as it does so often. Her daughter lies unconscious beside her, in her four-poster. How she envies her ability to sleep soundly. In the middle of the night, she can admit to herself that she has done terrible things. But none of it is her fault. Almost everyone she put her faith in betrayed her. Joffrey had been her fairytale Prince. It turned out he was a monster, who murdered her father while forcing her to watch, before spending months abusing her. Then, there was Margaery Tyrell. The Rose of Highgarden had first befriended her when she was friendless, and then had seduced her, one night when they had been sharing a flagon of wine. She was shocked at first, but Margaery had assured her that such loves were nothing unusual in the Reach, as in Dorne. She had promised Sansa she would love her forever. That was the night before she and her unspeakable grandmother poisoned Joffrey, and then framed her and Tyrion for the deed. Sansa still has nightmares about what Cersei would have done to her in revenge. No doubt, dearest Margaery, you would have shed many a tear for me, after you watched me being tortured and burned like the Lace Serpent. Well, you ended up a pile of ash. About the only good thing Cersei did in her life. Do you both still torment each other in hell? Will I join you there, one day? The three of us, bound together in an eternity of hatred.

Then, she had fallen into the clutches of Peter Baelish, who could barely keep his hands off her, before persuading her to marry Ramsay Bolton, the only man in the world worse than Joffrey. She shudders to remember the rapes, the whippings, the abuse, that Ramsay and his sadistic mistress, Myranda, inflicted on her. Myranda had even suggested mating her to the man's dogs, an idea that had delighted him. Thank the gods she had made her escape before that. She was few happy memories, but feeding the Bastard of Bolton to his dogs is one of them. She laughs, as she remembers the surprised look on his face, just before his hounds ripped it off.

Astonishingly, she had received kindness and support from Theon and Brienne, both sadly long dead. Only to escape to her wretched brother, later revealed to be her cousin. She had won the Battle of Winterfell, not him, when she led the Vale knights in the charge that routed the Boltons, but did she receive any credit for it? Of course not! The lords had all voted to make Jon their king just because he had a cock. And, then he had the nerve to slap her down, just because she suggested that the children of rebel lords should have their lands confiscated! And what had he done with his kingship? Surrendered it to an Eastern whore, the moment she spread her legs for him! Gods, the man was a fool! She feels no remorse for the plots she weaved against the Dragon Queen. The bitch would have destroyed her and her siblings. Even so, she had still raised a glass when the news arrived from Kings Landing that she had destroyed Cersei and the wretched population who had tried to rape her in a riot. Stupidly, she had felt some regret for Jon's exile, even apologised to him, only to be met with scorn and hate when she last visited him. She ought to have voted for his death, when she had the chance. Much worse, her own sister had turned against her. She doesn't enjoy torturing people and spying on them. Who would? But, a Queen has no choice in the matter. She doesn't enjoy making people work in penal colonies, or shipping them East, but how else is she supposed to deal with rebels and traitors? It's not as if she forced them to rebel against her. They didn't rebel against her father, after all, but he was a man. They think that a woman ruler is weak, and what can she do except to prove them wrong? A ruler has to make herself feared, or else she ceases to be a ruler. She made all these points to Arya, who had merely replied she had no intention of serving a mass murderer of innocents, and ridden for Castle Black the following morning. If I could rule by love, I would do, but they won't let me

She fears the outcome of this war, more than she admits. She has the numbers, but she knows of the reputation of the Ironborn and the Unsullied. And, she studies the reports prepared by her Inquisitors assiduously. She knows that the Smallfolk hate her, despite her best efforts. She knows that half the lords would turn on her in a minute, if she failed to keep them in fear of her. And her daughter. Oh gods, what would they do to Catelyn if she fell into the hands of her enemies! She has always been a student of history. She remembers what happened to Princess Elia's daughter Rhaenys, and poor Queen Jaehaera. The one hacked to pieces, and the other thrown from the Red Keep to die by inches on spikes in the moat. Catelyn is beautiful; no doubt she would be raped, before being murdered. They did it to poor Apicata, when her father, a Triarch of Volantis was overthrown; the law forbade the execution of a maid. So, they made sure she wasn't a maid, before strangling her. No, she has made up her mind. If this war is lost, she will take her daughter's life, and then her own. Jon and Arya might be happy to see her dead, but let them have Catelyn's death on their consciences.

No, she can't sleep. She slips out of her bed, being careful not to disturb her daughter. She puts on a rough gambeson and wool breeches, a pair of boots, and over them all, a thick fur coat. She takes a draft of Tyroshi pear brandy. She leaves her chambers, accompanied by a pair of bodyguards, and makes her way through the palace, being saluted by her guards along the way. She exits the building, and makes for the Godswood, eventually halting before the Heart Tree, the very one where she took an oath long ago, not to reveal Jon's parentage. And, there she prays for over an hour. Praying for her mother and father, and Robb, and her ancestors to aid her in her hour of need. Praying to the Seven to forgive her her sins and crimes, nothing worse than the sins and crimes that all rulers have to commit. At last, the first glimmerings of dawn appear. She turns back to the palace, reassured. She is righteous. The gods will favour her.

Notes:

1. In the Show, Myranda "who smelt like dog" was the sadistic mistress of Ramsay Bolton. She hated Sansa, and looked forward to torturing her, once she had borne Ramsay a child.

2. Rhaenys was the daughter of Elia Martell, and Jaehaera was the child queen of Aegon III. Both were brutally murdered.

3. Lady Darklyn, "the Lace Serpent" had her tongue and private parts removed with red hot pincers, by Aerys II, before being burned alive. Cersei managed to silence a meeting of the Small Council by telling them how much she'd love to torture Sansa if she fell into her hands.

4. The story of Apicata, daughter of Sejanus, is one of the grimmest parts of Tacitus.