Chapter 14: Therapy with Michael

Mid-March

Healing takes time. A patient cannot pay to speed it up – healing doesn't accept payment or bribes. Shortcuts or rushing too far ahead too quickly lead to relapse. Denial leads to complications. Commitment to the process and to recovery brings a far different outcome. Over time, the memory of the initial physical pain fades. Fears and weakness are replaced with insight and renewed strength. The intensity of the initial shock begins to fade and the mind gains perspective. Healing cannot be rushed. The opportunity, so easily missed, is to use the time of healing to make room in our minds and to ponder in our hearts so the lessons that only come with time can emerge.

The time had come. The occasion that Michael had outlined at Owen and Amelia's first appointment had arrived. He wanted to meet with the kids, to especially hear their anger, pain, and sadness related to the deployment, re-entry, and recovery. Michael had consulted with the kids' therapists and the team of four shared similar insights and analyses.

For the kids, the discussion could have occurred before or just after Owen's return. Their words at those points would have been fresher and rawer. However, waiting for this moment brought unconscious perspective that widened the scope of the family's experiences. Most importantly, waiting allowed Owen to reach a point where he was able to hear the pain without the words destroying him internally. Before the painful but healing conversations could have full effect, Owen's sense of self needed to be restored and well rooted. The time had come.

Michael had met individually with each child the week prior. After those sessions, he requested a meeting with the three children together. The next step was a session with Amelia alone, then with Owen. At that point, assuming no individual needed further tending, the entire family would meet together in a highly managed session led by Michael. If one session did not address the wide range of major concerns, further sessions could be scheduled. The process, Michael warned, was time-consuming and could be intense. However, he'd used it several times and had consistently been pleased with the outcomes. The process opened the lines of communication and reconnected families.

Finley's Session

Michael promised that Finley could say anything he wanted, and his words wouldn't be repeated to anyone else unless Finley chose to repeat them. "Finley, tell me what it was like when your dad was gone. How was that for you?" Oliver asked.

Finley thought for a moment before responding and then shared, "When my dad first told us he was leaving, I didn't really care. I thought it wouldn't affect me that much. He wasn't going to be gone very long – just three months. Everyone else was all sad, but I was just like, 'ok, whatever.'"

"At first, I worried about my mom because she already seemed to have a lot going on. If Dad left, she'd probably become busier. My mom is like a superwoman – she can handle anything and usually can deal with anything and keep a smile on her face. She'll say funny things so hard times aren't so serious."

"But this time was different. I don't know how to say it in words. It was like my dad took a piece of Mom away with him. She was sad and distracted. Even though she tried to hide it, she cried all the time. I could hear her late at night and early in the morning. I never knew what to do about it. It felt weird to say anything to her, so I didn't. When she wasn't crying, sometimes she was like a robot without emotions. I was angry at my dad for leaving and making Mom feel that way. He shouldn't have left if Mom was going to be that sad about it."

"I also got frustrated with Mom while Dad was gone because, a lot of times, she still tried to smile and act like everything was fine. I could tell her smile was fake. I wanted her to be honest. A couple times, she and I talked alone and that helped – she was more honest then because she wasn't trying to protect Oliver or Bronwyn. I was pretty disgusted by how everyone tried to protect me and not tell me details. I'm not a baby. I can handle the truth. The fake smiles and happy updates that didn't tell the whole story got old."

"I wrote that essay about my dad being my hero and I really meant it – my dad is my hero. But the longer he was gone, the more I wished life could just return to the way it used to be. Then, when he did come home, his body was a mess and he was in pain. It sounds mean to say that I am mad about my dad's injuries, but I really am. Life wasn't normal anymore."

Oliver's Session

With each child, Michael promised confidentiality and asked the same question, but in an age appropriate form, "Oliver, tell me what it was like when your dad was gone. What happened and how did you feel about it?"

Oliver opened up right away and began, "When my dad left, I was really sad. At the airport, we took a selfie with all of us. It's one of my favorite pictures ever. I didn't want him to go faraway. I was scared that he might get hurt and then he did. When he came back and could barely walk, I worried that he'd be like that forever. Oh, and you know what he did that was super cool? When he came home, he talked to the pilot and the pilot showed me and Finley all around the plane and I got to wear the Captain's hat and sit in his seat in the cockpit. I want to be a Blue Angels pilot, so I really loved that."

Michael smiled, "I'll bet that was fantastic, Oliver. I want to hear all about it if we have time after we're finished with some other questions. Tell me about what life was like when your dad was away."

Thinking for a moment, Oliver resumed, "While he was gone, he would call us, and I really liked that. It was fun to see him and talk to him. It was also weird because it was like he was with us but then we'd hang up and he'd be gone again. It was hard when he was there all of the sudden and then gone again.

"A couple times, I could tell Dad was a little frustrated with me – he gets that way when I don't focus or when I get too busy. Even from far away, he did that. Finley was crabbier and meaner when Dad was gone, and I wished Dad was there sometimes to tell Finley to knock it off. When Dad had been gone awhile, Finley listened to Mom more. He even was nice sometimes."

"When Dad was gone, we didn't really play basketball or soccer outside. I played with the dogs all alone because nobody else wanted to play with them and with me. Dad used to, but he decided to leave us. Since he's been home, he hasn't played with them and me either. Sometimes Dr. Avery would come over and play with us. I really, really liked that and I miss it. It was fun to have a Dad-type person around because our mom doesn't wrestle or get very loud like a grown-up guy does. And then, Dr. Avery and Dr. Karev and my uncle came over to build ramps for when my dad came home, and they also built us a treehouse. Dr. Karev taught me how to use a drill and he let me pound nails too."

"We didn't really go places as much when Dad was gone. When Dad was home before, sometimes he'd take us to the hospital with him or to Starbucks for hot chocolate. Nobody did that when he was gone. I missed the hot chocolate. Bron and me, we lost our special time with Dad 'cause it just stopped when he left. He can't drive now, so he doesn't take us places still."

"I really, really, really love my mom. Sometimes I was really angry at her when Dad was gone, and I didn't like being mad at my mom because I don't usually get mad at her ever. She wasn't as nice when Dad was gone. We played Hot Lava and that was fun, but she would also send me to my room for little stuff and wasn't patient. She wasn't as happy, and I got in trouble more."

Bronwyn's Session

After Michael introduced himself and asked his standard question, Bronwyn piped up, "Here's the thing…see, I… umm… well, don't tell anyone else, but I'm Daddy's princess. He tolded me that – that I'm his little princess. He really likes me. I make him laugh and even his eyes smile at me sometimes. Sometimes Daddy can't fix my hair right, so I didn't miss that when he was gone. I'm pretty sure Daddy missed me lots when he was gone, so I was sad for him to be missing me. I was sad for me because I missed him lots too."

"I didn't tell anyone, but I cried in my bed a lot when Daddy was gone because I missed him. Sometimes Mommy wouldn't even read me stories – she'd ask Finley or Oliver to do it. That wasn't the same. Finley helped me find clothes some mornings and he wasn't as fun as Daddy. Finley picked clothes that didn't go good together and would tell me that I was wearing what he picked and to be quiet and just put them on. I didn't get to say what I wanted."

"Deep inside, I got mad at Mommy when Daddy was gone because she was like a zombie. She didn't have much feelings except to be crabby or super quiet. She looked sad a lot. Most of the fun in our house left when Daddy left, except for Hot Lava time. I liked that game because Mommy would smile."

"Now, Daddy can't do much because he was shot by a mean guy three times. At first, Daddy was in a wheelchair and I didn't like that because my daddy knows how to run and jump and wrestle and play. Daddy came home but his legs didn't. At first, he could get angry easy because his body hurt. Sometimes I take a nap with him, so he doesn't have to sleep alone. Pretty soon, Daddy will be able to take me to school again. Right now, he stays home a lot and he doesn't go places with us."

Finley, Oliver and Bronwyn

"We have each met and had some good talks. I want to talk to all three of you together, too. Everyone will need to take turns talking, so I might ask you to stop sharing so someone else can share. Therapy is different when there's more than one person with the doctor," Michael explained.

He continued, "I want to ask you about three topics and I'm going to tell you all of them now so you can think about your answers. 1. I'd like to know about your biological mom and dad, 2. Tell me about the new baby that's coming, and 3. What is your biggest wish for your family?"

Bronwyn piped up willingly, "Umm… well… I never knewed my other daddy. I was living in my mama's tummy and he died before we met each other. Since I never knewed him, I never misseded him, but sometimes I was sad to not have a Daddy. Then Uncle Owen turned into our daddy and I really, super, duper liked that."

"What about your biological mom, Bronwyn?" Oliver prodded gently.

Shrugging, Bronwyn shared, "She's dead too. Her car crashed and she died. I was 3. Sometimes, I merember her a little, but not all the time. But we have a Mommy now and I love her."

"How about you, guys?" Michael asked.

"I was pretty little when our dad died," Oliver clarified. He turned to Finley and confirmed, "I was about 2 or almost 3, right?" Finley nodded and Oliver continued. "I'm glad to have pictures of us together. Me and Finley, we look a lot like him. His name was Blake and he was a firefighter. Our mom was a mom by herself after our dad died. She was gentle and liked to hug. I remember her really pretty smile. I was 7 when she died, and I cried a lot because I really missed her. I still miss her sometimes, but our new dad, he tells us stories about her and our new mom, sometimes she shows us pictures so we can remember better."

Finley finished up the responses, "I was 6 or 7 when our dad died and 11 when our mom died. Sometimes it doesn't feel fair that I got to know them for longer than Oliver or Bron. I feel bad sometimes that I have so many happy memories and they don't remember. When our dad died, our mom was kind of like our new mom was when our new dad was at the war. She was sad and quieter. Life wasn't as fun. I spent a lot of time helping Mom with the little kids. She signed me up for soccer and told me she did that so I could be a kid sometimes. I still really love soccer, so I'm glad she thought to do that. Our lives were more basic in Canada, we weren't rich and didn't go to private school. Our house wasn't as fancy. Sometimes I'm sad that we don't live in our house in Canada and that our names changed when Mom died. Uncle Owen told me that we had to change our names because of the international adoption. He was going to try to be our guardian instead of our new dad, but the lawyers told him that wouldn't work."

Oliver asked gently, "What was your last name before? Bronwyn, do you remember?"

"I think I was just Bronwyn before I was 'dopted," Bronwyn shared.

"Nuh uh, Bronwyn. We had a last name before our last name was Hunt," Oliver pointed out to his sister with impatience. Then he turned to Oliver and admitted, "But I don't remember it. It was longer than Hunt. I remember in school thinking that was cool 'cause I didn't have to write as long of a name."

Finley clarified flatly, "Our last name was Tremblay or is Tremblay or whatever. It's Scottish and French, which is funny because our mom was Scottish, and our dad was French Canadian. Even though Tremblay was our dad's last name, it still could have been from my mom's family. Kind of cool."

"And now you're all part of a new family. What do you think about the new baby that's coming?" Michael asked.

"I don't think we have enough room for him, and the car is gonna be too crowded. I mean… him is going to be borned but I just don't know how it's gonna work," Bronwyn explained with flowing hand and arm gestures.

"Not enough room, huh? How do you feel about that, Bronwyn?" Michael inquired.

"Well…" Bronwyn began, "I'm not sure Mama and Daddy were thinking 'cause now there will be too many kids. I feel like this about it," Bronwyn explained as she let out a giant audible sigh.

"I'm excited to have a little brother," Oliver offered with glee. I think it will be great. We can have a boys' team and a girls' team."

"I like how we have a boy as the oldest and a boy as the youngest," Finley observed. "My only feeling is that I'm worried my mom will have to be in the hospital a lot before he's born. When she was pregnant with the twins, she pretty much lived at the hospital."

Michael grinned at the kids as he offered gratefully, "You all have such great thoughts to share. Thank you. One last question, and this one is kind of fun, 'What is your biggest wish for your family?'"

"For our family right now? Or when we're grown up or when we lived in Canada?" Finley sought to clarify.

"Your family right now," Michael explained.

"My biggest wish is that Daddy never, ever, ever go away again ever in his whole, whole life," Bronwyn responded.

"I wish that Mom and Dad wouldn't get so snappy at each other and yell at each other and then act like they aren't fighting," Finley stated with assurance.

"I don't know what I wish," Oliver giggled nervously and smiled. "Maybe that we could do more fun stuff together like go places and stuff."

"Out of curiosity, Finley, you asked about the timing of the wishes," Oliver restated. "Do you have specific hopes or wishes for when you're grown up?"

"Yeah," Finley shrugged, "I do."

"Would you like to share them or keep them private?" Oliver wondered aloud.

"My hope is to marry Naomi, be a Dad with lots of kids, and be a businessman who has a job that uses a lot of math," Finley shared.

Bronwyn studied her eldest brother's face and asked, "Can I be one of your kids?"

"You're my sister, Bronwyn, not one of my kids," Finley explained. "You'll be the auntie to my kids."

"Oh," Bronwyn responded with confusion. "How many kids do you want?"

"We haven't decided," Finley, representing his future wife and speaking far beyond his years, "At least four."

"I'm gonna be too busy flying airplanes in the Navy to have a wife and kids," Oliver disclosed. "I'll be all over the world all the time."

"Well, back to our discussion…" Michael prompted, "I'd like to have a time when we sit down with your parents and all of you. Sometimes in families, we don't want to share our mad or sad feelings because we care about each other and don't want to hurt someone. I'd like to try something different, but it's up to each of you and you can each decide what you want to do. I'd like you to sit down with your parents and share some of what you've told me. That might seem scary, but they have promised they won't be angry or mad. They want to talk about the tough stuff."

Amelia

"How were your sessions with the kids?" Amelia asked curiously as she sat in the same spot of the sofa where she sat when she and Owen came together.

"Your children, Amelia, are precious," Michael stated. "They are steady, stable, healthy kids with impressive insights. They seem to have weathered the death of the biological parents very well. You may want to spend some time with Finley chatting about that further – he is doing well, but he still grieves."

Amelia made a mental note to chat with Finley and then inquired, "How uncomfortable will our whole-family session be?"

"Let's chat about that. Certainly, the kids expressed concerns about Owen's absence and return. I want you to be prepared to hear some feelings directed more toward you," Michael alerted her.

She smirked playfully and stated, "Tell me more, Michael."

Michael grinned and explained, "As the parent who was left behind, many feelings are natural. Feeling burdened, feeling like everyone and everything was dependent on you, and feeling as if you drew the short end of the stick are all normal. The parent left behind bears the day to day responsibilities of parenting and running a household."

Continuing, Michael shared, "You might feel as if the family or Owen owe you something for all you did. As if everyone should realize how much you sacrificed and kept life together."

"Sure," Amelia nodded, "to a degree I think I do feel that I stepped up more than anyone else."

"How will it feel for you if the kids share criticisms about your parenting during the deployment?" Michael pushed.

"Umm…but I didn't leave them. I was the one who was there for them. And they're going to criticize that? That hurts, Michael," Amelia disclosed.

"Think of it from their point of view. You were part of their everyday life. They have far more memories of interacting with you during the deployment. Their primary memory of Owen at that time is focused on missing him," Michael explained.

"Do I need to brace myself?" Amelia asked.

"To a degree. While your experience is focused upon Owen and how his actions affected you and the kids, the kids are focused upon what life was like at home while Owen was away. I don't want you to expect that you'll be painted as the hero and Owen as the villain," Michael expressed. "Kids see and perceive more than we think they do. Your kids are no different."

Owen

"Tomorrow is the big day when we'll gather as a family," Michael pointed out to Owen at Owen's appointment. "How are you feeling about that?"

"Hmm," Owen pondered, "a little concerned. Are the kids going to be as pissed at me as Amelia is?"

"That may not be the question to ask," Michael stated. "Depending upon what the kids choose to share, you might hear some observations about how Amelia was affected negatively by your absence, you might hear sadness about your absence, and perhaps some frustration about your recovery."

"During the appointment, and especially afterward, I'd encourage you to focus on Amelia. Some of the words the kids have to share may unintentionally hurt her. Your support and encouragement will help her work through everything," Michael offered. "During the session, let me lead and manage the conversation. My sense is that you lead and manage at home. It may be difficult for you to not do that when the kids share their honest and raw feelings. Your challenge will be to simply listen and not try to quiet or fix the situation."