Chapter 15: Family Session with Michael
On the way to Michael's office, everyone was quiet. Owen closed his eyes and leaned his head back as he anticipated the session. Finley had his headphones in, as always, while Oliver played a handheld game. Bronwyn was coloring in a Princess coloring book and humming as she rode along. As she drove, Amelia was lost in her thoughts.
What did he mean that I should not expect to be painted as the hero? I'm growing weary of all this hero talk and I certainly do not need to be 'the' hero of the family. At the same time, I'm not the villain. Why do we fall into these stark contrasts anyway? Aren't we all a mixture of success and failure and everything in between? Can't we address the family's experiences without focusing on blame or labelling?
Maybe I'm over-thinking all this. I wish I could go to my friend, Owen, that guy who lent me oversized scrubs once when we were caught in a torrential downpour. That friend had a way of helping me gain insight. He didn't insist on his perspective like he sometimes does now that we're married. When he had less of a stake in the situation, his open-ended questions and ponderings seemed to fill me with perspective. Maybe I'm placing too much of my worth as a mom on what I'll hear today from the kids. Oh, Amelia, what have you agreed to do here?
With his eyes closed, Owen appeared to be asleep. In reality, he was processing his thoughts in his own methodical and thoughtful way.
I truly wonder what the kids will have to say. What did they tell Michael that might be difficult for Amelia to hear? Going into this process, I assumed I'd have criticism and anger poured upon me. Now it seems as if she's going to catch the brunt of the frustration. It hardly seems fair. She has sacrificed and struggled more than anyone, but I'm worried she's not going to receive credit for that. Damn, there are so many consequences I never anticipated.
The family arrived and made their way into Michael's office. He had borrowed a makeshift sand table from an officemate so Bronwyn and Oliver might be less antsy as the session unfolded. Both kids were immediately drawn to it and began playing. Owen, Amelia and Finley sat on the couch. Finley sat in Owen's customary spot after Owen positioned himself next to Amelia.
"Here we are," Michael smiled. "A few reminders before we begin…" Michael reviewed the ground rules about not interrupting, honoring one another's feelings, and letting Michael manage the conversation. "Let's begin by talking about the deployment. How it felt, what was difficult, what was fun, what changed, what stayed the same. Bronwyn, what's your answer?"
"That's too many questions at once," Bronwyn declared as she looked up from the sand table.
Michael chuckled and replied, "Fair enough. What was fun and what was hard when your daddy was away?"
"We played hot lava all the time. and Dr. Avery camed over sometimes and played with us. Oh! And we gotted a new treehouse," Bronwyn celebrated. "What was hard was Daddy wasn't there to read to me or help me pick out clothes and sometimes Finley just told me I had to wear clothes that he picked. Mommy was sad or quiet or crabby all the time, I didn't like that. Daddy really left but our happy mommy kind of left too."
"Let's go around the room with this question," Michael explained. "Oliver?"
"The same good things Bronwyn said, and I liked the FaceTime calls," Oliver offered. "I really missed going places with Dad, like to Starbucks or the hospital. I missed playing with the dogs with my dad. I was sad and lonely when he left. I felt really sad for Mommy because she had so much to do and she cried lots."
Finley began his turn, "I don't know what was good about it. I was mad at Dad for leaving because Mom was so sad about it. Sometimes she was just blank with no energy or emotions. I was frustrated with Mom because I could tell she was acting like she wasn't sad or scared sometimes when I knew she was."
"What would you have changed about that, Finley?" Michael asked.
"Just to be real and honest. To talk about our feelings instead of wondering what I should say – like when I'd hear Mom cry and didn't know if I should tell her I knew she was sad. If I could've changed anything, I guess I would have had Dad stay. Then he wouldn't be injured now, and life would just be normal," Finley disclosed.
"Can I say what I would change?" Oliver asked. Michael nodded and Oliver continued, "I would have Dad stay too. I don't know how to change it, but I wouldn't be so lonely if I could change things."
"I would have Daddy stay home. If he didn't stay home, I would have had us have a substitute Daddy to read and play and tickle and do stuff with us," Bronwyn added.
"Owen and Amelia? What went well and what was difficult? What would you have changed about the situation?" Michael prodded.
Owen spoke first, "I thought we were here to listen."
"Partly. However, it's helpful for the kids to listen to your experiences too," Michael explained.
"I wish there was a way I could have stayed home and gone overseas at the same time," Owen stated. "The experience of helping people and working with great medical personnel was rewarding. The attack, being injured, and being away from my family were the toughest parts. If I could change anything, I would undo the attack and change being injured."
Amelia took a deep breath. "I think I was stretched in some good ways as a parent. I learned and grew. I've been determined to find the silver lining around what consistently felt like a very heavy and dark cloud. Feeling alone and sad were the worst. If I could change anything, Owen wouldn't have left. I would also change Owen having been injured."
"Good. Helpful thoughts. Did you all hear some similarities? Nobody wanted Owen to get hurt, many expressed concern for Amelia's sadness, and I heard a great deal of loneliness from many of your comments. Even though you went through this together and felt similar feelings, there was also an isolation," Michael observed. After a brief pause, Michael continued, "What made you mad?"
Again, Bronwyn began, "I gotted mad at Mommy because she was like a zombie. She didn't have much feelings except to be crabby or super quiet. Most of the fun in our house left when Daddy left."
"Not going fun places anymore like Starbucks or the hospital," Oliver offered. "And I didn't like seeing Mommy sad. I was mad and sad about that. I didn't like how life changed and how lonely I was."
"I guess a lot of things made me mad. When Dad left, it was like he took a part of Mom with him. She didn't joke as much after he left. I missed her laugh. Sometimes having to help with the other kids bothered me but it was ok most of the time," Finley put forth.
"For me, being the one to make final decisions and having to make them alone made me angry. And I would get angry with myself when I was crabby or tired or impatient," Amelia admitted.
Owen concluded, "Hmm…I wasn't very mad most of the time I was gone. I suppose being injured and trying to recover made me pretty mad, though."
Michael summarized, "Some similar themes: Mom wasn't the same when Dad left, injuries and recovery are tough, life wasn't as fun anymore. Hmm…" Michael continued, "Kids, you've been really honest so far. I have a challenge for you. What would you say or ask if you could say or ask your mom or dad anything about the last few months?"
"Umm… I would look at Daddy with my saddest eyes and ask, 'Why did you have to go?'" Bronwyn offered as she displayed her sad eyes. "And to my mommy, I would say, 'Stop being so mean and crabby and please don't have Finley help me get ready because he doesn't do it like you and Daddy do.'"
Oliver was thoughtful as he looked at Michael to answer, "I would ask Dad why he had to get hurt, but I know that he didn't get hurt on purpose. I don't know how I'd ask about that, but I don't like that he was hurt so bad and came back different. Our Dad didn't come back all the way." Oliver shifted his gaze to Amelia and offered, "And to mommy, I would give her giant hugs and ask, 'Mommy, why didn't you share your tears with me? You are always there when I'm sad and I want to be there for you when you're sad because I love you so much." Amelia's eyes glazed with tears as Oliver looked at her with deep compassion.
"I would want to know why you two fight so much since Dad came home. I don't like hearing it and the room feels weird when you fight – like the air changes or something. I would also want to know why you didn't just tell me the truth sometimes. I'm old enough to handle it and I don't like it when I can tell that what you're saying isn't the whole story," Finley disclosed as a true teenager.
"Similarities," Michael began, "a yearning for 'normal' or for how life had been before, wishing for more joy, the challenges of adjusting to change. I also heard a hope for improved communication and a desire to help one another through challenges. Really, all of your care and sentiments toward one another is a rare gift. You all have great love for one another. The challenge before you is communicating it openly and freely. How could that improve?"
"I know! I know!" Bronwyn exclaimed, "It could be a new game at dinner like when we play guest or highs and lows." Michael nodded and smiled at Bronwyn.
"We have a feeling chart at my therapists. Sometimes it helps figure out how I'm feeling," Oliver offered.
"Maybe if someone is just crabby or wants to be alone, we let them be by themselves," Finley suggested as much for himself as for his parents.
"You know what I think?" Amelia interjected. "I think you three have better ideas than I do sometimes. Will you promise to share your ideas with me when you think of them?" The kids all nodded.
Owen squeezed Amelia's hand and cleared his throat, "Come here everyone." Oliver and Bronwyn stood up and stood in front of Owen and Finley scooted over a little closer. Owen wrapped his arms around Amelia and Finley and the family made a hug huddle and squeezed in tight. Owen declared, "I love you all so much. We are lucky to be each other's family." He leaned toward each person one after the other, kissing each of them on the forehead. His voice cracked as Owen voiced his breakthrough for the session, "I am really sorry that I deployed. I apologize for all of the pain and sadness that resulted from my decision. I love you all."