Hey guys! This idea was not mine, I just embellished and made it longer.
Tw's for I guess self harm? I'm not really sure how to tag or explain it. Just tread carefully.
The original prompt/headcanon was taken from Lovelyirony on Tumblr:
-sometimes tony steps outside in december and waits until jarvis threatens to call emergency services just so maybe he can imagine what it was like
Enjoy this little snippet of angst I guess ❤
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It's December 1st when Tony wakes up, even earlier than the body next to him, takes a cold shower, pulls on nothing but boxers and steps outside into The Tower's little private garden.
The first snow of winter lines the path that Tony takes, out from under the awning and into the flurry of white.
The water dripping from his body leaves little holes in the inch of snow.
He resists the urge to wrap his arms around himself, his hands firmly curled into fists at his sides.
Jarvis is still installed outside and Tony knows the AI is talking to him, trying to get him to go back inside, but he pays no mind to it.
Honeyed brown eyes look upwards at the sky, at the bright clouds holding the flakes that will fall and cover the harsh world in white.
He doesn't close his eyes, not even when the brightness of the sky burns his eyes. Not even when wet drops slide and stick in his eyelashes, running like tears down his face.
Maybe there are tears too, Tony isn't sure.
He's shivering, teeth chattering as his body tries to warm itself up.
Jarvis' voice is the only thing he can hear, but the man still refuses to go inside.
His toes and fingers feel frozen as he slowly lowers his gaze from the heavens.
He's cold, he's freezing, but it's still not enough.
He moves his frozen limbs until his feet are covered by the snow.
His mind is fuzzy and he's not sure if he's even trembling anymore.
The water from his shower has started to frost over until little icy flakes cover the expanse of his body.
Jarvis threatens to call 911, and it is only then that Tony lifts his frozen feet and trudges back inside.
He takes a blanket from the couch, wraps himself up in It and falls asleep against the cushions.
He wakes up to a hand on his hair and a kiss against his cheek.
He blinks open eyes that feel crusted over, looking up at the face of his boyfriend.
"Hey, why are you out here?" Steve asks, fingers stroking through still wet hair.
"Wet after my shower, didn't want to wake you up." Tony slowly pushes himself into a sitting position.
The blanket slides from his shoulders, revealing that he is almost naked.
Steve frowns, tugging the material up over his shoulders again.
"Aren't you cold, love?" He asks.
Tony stares blankly at the wall behind the other man. "No," he says quietly. Not cold enough.
He steps outside in the snow, in the cold, so maybe he can understand, may be he can imagine what crashing, fully alive, into the freezing cold water felt.
Maybe he can imagine how it felt to actually freeze, still alive, and to be trapped in that ice.
He tries to imagine but it's never cold enough.
It will never be cold enough.