Hermione Granger and the IFoPFS
A/N: This one was inspired by Meteoricshipyards' Evil Summer Vacation. Inspired as in, I filed off the serial numbers and changed a few details. Instead of Harry, it's Hermione who ends up at a convention… but at least this one isn't an Evil Convention. The scene: Voldemort is finished, the Trio is back at school for their 7th year…
A supremely proud Hermione Granger entered the Grand Ballroom of the Savoy.
Three days before a ticket to the conference being hosted at the Savoy was hand delivered to her at Hogwarts along with a note from the Headmistress saying she was excused from classes to attend the event.
The eighteen year old wasn't sure what to make of this. She was relatively used to being allowed special educational opportunities, the time turner in her third year for example, but to be signed up for an educational conference… she was going to have to do her best.
"Good morning," the young woman at the check in desk said with a wide smile.
Hermione hid her surprise that the conference would be staffed by Yanks. "Good morning, Hermione Granger checking in for the conference."
"Oh, yes," the woman said keying the name into her computer. "There you are. Do you have your invitation?"
Hermione presented her ticket. The woman verified the invitation, "I see you haven't signed up for any of the panels yet."
"I wasn't sure what panels would be offered," Hermione explained.
"Not to worry," the woman said, handing over several pamphlets. "Most people don't submit their requests until after the opening session. Look these over and make your decisions. Welcome to the thirty fifth annual Conference of the IFoPFS."
Again the woman smiled and continued. "The Opening Session is in two hours, most of our attendees are waiting in the bar."
Hermione nodded and started off in the general direction of the bar, already thumbing through the pamphlets. Upon entering the room she snagged a large glass of orange juice and a bagel from one of the catering tables before surveying the room for a place to sit.
The room was nearly full, though the closest table was occupied by a single young woman with shockingly pink hair.
Earlier in her life, Hermione would have avoided anyone so desperate for attention, but exposure to Nymphadora Tonks had taught her a few things.
"Mind if I join you?" Hermione asked the pinky as she approached the table. "Everywhere else is full."
The pink haired girl looked up with a glower, "Why the hell not?" she asked rhetorically. "It's not like you could make today any worse."
Setting her pamphlets, bagel and drink down, Hermione took the chair next to the odd girl. "Hermione Granger," she said in way of introduction.
"Sakura Haruno," the other girl responded.
"Really?" Hermione asked, surprised in spite of herself.
"You've heard of me?" Sakura asked.
"Well…" Hermione hesitated, "no, not really. I was just surprised by your name, I mean it sounds like a Japanese name, but you don't appear to be Asian at all, pale skin, green eyes, pink hair…"
The pink haired girl growled and made a fist with her right hand. For a moment Hermione wondered if she was going to be attacked, but then Sakura relaxed.
"There's more to the world that most people know," she said in a clipped tone, showing that some of her annoyance remained. "I come from a land where all the races coexist, sharing a common language that is similar to but different from the language you know as Japanese."
"Oh," Hermione said, embarrassed by her assumption. "Sorry."
A waiter appeared, depositing small porcelain bottle in front of Sakura along with a smallish porcelain cup. The Pinkie nodded her thanks and poured a serving of the contents of the bottle into the cup before tipping the cup back.
"You seem to be upset," Hermione commented, "could I help?"
Sakura glared at the bushy haired witch for a moment before her expression softened and she sighed. "I shouldn't be blaming you," she said. "I'm just upset that I was assigned to come to this stupid conference, even if the Hokage did classify it as B class mission."
"Upset?" Hermione asked, wondering who or what a 'Hokage' might be and how attending a conference might in any way be a 'mission'. "Why would you be upset?"
"Because Sakura Haruno said, her voice rising almost to the level of a scream, "I am NOT Naruto Uzumaki's Perky Female Sidekick, and I am likely to kill anyone who says I am!"
-oooOOOooo-
"Keep telling yourself that Sweetheart."
Hermione looked up to see a tall dark skinned woman in a white minidress and a pair of pistols slung in holsters on either side of her admittedly massive breasts.
"This is my third time at one of these conferences, kid," the woman said tipping back a highball glass full of some amber liquid before settling into one of the table's empty chairs. "If you're here, you're a sidekick. We're all perky goddamned sidekicks."
She placed her half empty glass on the table before looking down at her own breasts. "Some of us are perkier than others."
"Who are you and what is this 'perky sidekick' nonsense?" Hermione asked.
"Lana Kane, sweetie," the woman grinned. "And what do you think IFoPFS stands for?"
"Oh, that's on the brochures," Hermione said, as she rooted through her welcome bag. "IFoPFS… The International Federation of…" her eyes went wide.
"Of Perky Female Sidekicks" Lana finished for her raising her glass in salute. "It's always hilarious to see the realization dawn on the faces of the newbys."
"I am not Harry Potter's sidekick," Hermione said in tones of certainty.
"Of course you're not," Lana said condescendingly. "Look, it's a week in London, open bar, great food, all free. All you have to do is show up for three different seminars a day, and the final presentation Friday morning. Every gig should be so cushie."
-oooOOOooo-
So this is where I ran out of steam. Below are some of the seminar sessions that Caer Azkaban and Deluded Muse newsgroups helped me out with.
Dressing to distract his enemies: If you've got it, flaunt it.
Convincing yourself that he'll realize you're the one while bedding the Overlord's daughter: Delusion as a career choice.
You and the Comedy Relief: Sometimes a girl has to settle.
Non-Standard Applications: You and your Hero - Battlefield stress relief.
"A calm and focused hero is a winning hero."
'Getting Yourself Kidnapped to Gain the Hero's Attention'
"Taking one for the team: The ultimate distraction of the enemy forces"
Doing All The Work: Because He's too lazy/stupid to do it.
Planning for Disaster: With him as a friend, it's not a matter of luck, it's a guarantee!
How to be a Proper Foil: Compensating for your hero's weaknesses without upstaging him
Secrets of a Soundboard: Getting your hero to speak about his thoughts and feelings
Being Approachable (so your hero doesn't have to)
Research Skills for the Supporting Role
Emotional Support for the Strong, Silent Types
Acting Dumb to Make Your Hero Appear Smarter
His Plan + You: How to keep him thinking it was all his idea even with corrections.
Lines of Seduction: When NOT to interfere with his fun.
The Good, The Bad, The Ego: when to stroke it, when to bury it.
First Strike: When is it appropriate to take down his coworkers.
Target: Fashion: What to wear to make sure the enemy aims at you first.
Of course he forgot to bring it: Accessorizing for your hero's success
Advanced High Kick Technique: Lace or Commando?
Deep Vees and Double-Sided Tape: Showing What You've Got but Not Everything You've Got
Retirement Savings - Because you know he'll kick you to the curb when you're not so perky anymore
No, You Don't Have What It Takes: home truths for the spunky girl sidekick who thinks she should be in charge
Bondservants and Slaves: Managing your master's minions.
Playing Second Fiddle: Getting your hero rewarded by damsels in distress.
What to do when your carefully thought out plans are trumped by the hero's stupidly good luck
Who needs plaudits? How to deal with the hero getting all the credit for your hard work
Dress for the role: how to make your A-cup look bigger than the opposition's DDs
How to spend your entire life in high heels
Staying Safe: Lessons You Should Learn from Robin the Boy Hostage
How to Deal With Doing All the Work and Getting No Credit
Media Relations - How to Draw All the Negative Attention and Keep Him in Their Good Graces
His Fatal Flaw and How You Can Work Around It
Clothing Care: Getting and Keeping Offending Fluids Off Your Costume
Respecting Your Captain: How To Deal With Him 'Kirking' It Up
Makeup Techniques to Make Him Look Good In Comparison
-oooOOOooo-
And this is my ending.
-oooOOOooo-
"Hermione's back!" Ron noted when he looked up from the chessboard and spotted her entering the common room.
"Hey Hermione," Harry called out turning to face her. "Glad you're back. Ron's just beat me for the 928th consecutive time."
Hermione stomped up to her best friends, everything she had learned about life and herself over the last week still fresh in her mind. "I want to make few things perfectly clear," she said.
Harry and Ron exchanged a look, "Okay," Harry nodded.
"I am not your sidekick," Hermione said in tones that invited no debate, "and I am not interested in settling for the comedy relief." She looked back and forth between the two boys. "Am I clear?"
"Oh yeah," Ron nodded.
"Sure," Harry agreed.
"Good," Hermione nodded. "I'm heading upstairs to get cleaned up, and then we can go down to dinner so you two can tell me what I missed while I was away."
Harry and Ron watched as she disappeared up the stairs to the girls' dorms.
"What do you suppose that was about?" Harry asked.
"Hell if I know," Ron said shaking his head. "She's not our sidekick? I thought we were her sidekicks."
"So did I," Harry agreed, "Well, at least we know which of us she's chosen."
"Yeah," Ron said sadly. "I can't say it was unexpected, I just didn't expect her to be so harsh about it."
"Yeah," Harry agreed again, "well, treat her the way she deserves, or I'll kick your ass."
"What?" Ron asked.
"What?" Harry repeated.
"Hermione clearly said she wasn't interested in the comedy relief," Ron pointed out.
"Right," Harry nodded. "And I'm clearly the funny one of our group."
"You?" Ron asked, momentarily at a loss for words, "You actually think you're funnier than me?"
"Ron," Harry said gently, "You're about as funny as one of the Twins' rubber chicken wands. Which is to say, not at all."
"What are you on about?" Ron demanded. "Those rubber chicken wands are hilarious, and so am I."
"Yeah right," Harry said, looking about the common room. "Hey Dean, is Ron funny?"
"Well," the Londoner said, considering his words carefully. "Funny looking maybe."
"Definitely funny looking," Seamus agreed helpfully.
"Thank you," Harry said before turning back to Ron in triumph. "There you have it, empirical proof that I'm the funny one and Hermione dumped me, so if you don't treat her right, I'll kick your arse."
"No," Ron disagreed. "I'm the comedy relief and she dumped me, and if you don't treat her right, I'll kick your arse!"
"Oh," Harry scoffed, pushing Ron off the sofa, "like you could."
"Oh, I could," Ron said as he regained his feet. "You really want to find out, Potter?"
Harry rose to his feet and thumped himself on the chest with both hands. "Bring it, you unfunny ginger git!"
"Unfunny?" Ron asked incredulously, "that's it Potter, you're going down!"
-oooOOOooo-
Hermione returned from her dorm to find the common room in a shambles, furniture overturned, the bulk of her housemates lining the walls of the common room, and Harry, with broken glasses, a blackened eye and bloodied nose holding an equally damaged Ron in what she recognized from her father's disgraceful fascination with televised wrestling as a 'headlock'.
"What the hell is going on here?" she demanded.
"Hermione," Harry said, brightening when he saw her. "Good news, Ron has admitted that I'm the funny one and that you've dumped me and that now that you've made your choice, he'll treat you well. Right, Ron?"
Ron was silent, still struggling against Harry's hold. In response to his friend's silence, Harry tightened his hold and twisted slightly.
"Right, Ron?"
"Ow!" Ron responded. "Yes, damn it, Harry's the comedy relief."
"And?" Harry asked, applying a bit more pressure.
"And I'll treat Hermione like a goddess," Ron answered.
"Now, was that so hard?" Harry asked, releasing Ron.
Hermione looked from Harry to Ron and then back again for several seconds before speaking. "You two are such idiots."
Turning on her heel, she headed for the door, wondering if it was too late to give lesbianism a try. She had heard good things and it seemed unlikely that she could possibly find a girlfriend as stupid as her two best friends.
Before the door closed behind her she could clearly hear Ron getting the last word.
"I told you Hermione thought I was funny," he insisted.
A/N: Free to a good home if anyone thinks they can pull it together.