A/N: I own none of this. I do not own Harry Potter or any rights to his image or personality. I do not own the moon or the stars. I do not own human genders, other than my own personal original factory equipment. Honest. Nope, not me. I most certainly do not own the rights to a billion dollar literary work, nor any of the characters associated with a certain House of Mouse.
Harry and Ron
"And what are you two up to?"
Harry Potter looked up from the drawings he and Ron Weasley were marking up. "Ron and I are just trying to figure out what we should do this weekend, Hermione."
"It's just a wild suggestion on my part," the bushy haired genius said sarcastically, "but you could spend your weekend working on your assignments due next week."
"Now, that's just crazy talk," Ron opined.
"OH!" Hermione huffed. "Just don't come running to me when you both fail."
"You know, sometimes I think she's wound just a bit too tight." Harry noted watching his female best friend stomp from the Great Hall.
"Hi Harry," Sue Bones said as she approached the Gryffindor table with several of the Hufflepuff girls in tow. "What'cha doin'?"
"Oh, hi Sue," Harry replied. "Ron and I were trying to figure out what we were going to do this weekend."
"You could always help us," the redhead said with a coy smile. "We Hufflepuff Girls are going to spend our weekend spreading goodwill throughout the castle by doing Random Acts of Kindness."
Harry got a calculating look. "Random Acts of Kindness, eh?"
"Doing something that was truly random," Ron noted, "would take quite a bit of planning and preparation."
"You know Ron; I know what we're going to do this weekend!" Harry said with manic enthusiasm.
"That's great Harry! Say," Susan asked suddenly concerned, "where's Hedwig?"
-===oooOOOooo===-
In a secret underground lair, Agent O carefully adjusted her fedora and activated the Comm panel. Instantly the wall-sized video monitor lit up showing a white haired man with an equally white mustache.
"Ah, Agent O, good of you to make it. Lucius Malfoy has been buying up all the hair care products in the UK. We're not sure what to make of this, but we're sure he's up to no good. Your mission is to find out what he's up to, and stop him."
Agent O nodded and extended her wings before a somewhat nasally voice spoke from off screen.
"Ah, sir?"
"Oh, yes," Major Monogram sighed. "Before you head out to stop Lucius Malfoy's nefarious scheme, you have another mission today, Agent O. Today is an official mentoring day here at O.W.C.A., so you'll need to spend some time with your intern."
Agent O's shoulders slumped, and she even seemed to molt a bit.
"Oh come now Agent O, I know that spending time with an intern is a horrible thing to contemplate, but it isn't really all that bad," the man said in a conciliatory tone. "I mean, after all, I have to do it every day."
"Hey!" the nasally voice protested.
"Calm down, Carl, you know it's true."
-===oooOOOooo===-
The Organization Without a Cool Acronym staff cafeteria was filled with fedora-wearing agents and their hyperactive interns as each agent suffered through his or her required hour of mentoring.
Agent O cast a gimlet eye over her feathery git of an intern, as said feathery git, wearing the traditional propeller beanie of an O.W.C.A. field agent intern, fluttered about the room like a constipated wiener dog. Reaching for her lunch with her left leg, Hedwig shook her head. When she had been starting out with the organization, the OWCA had much tougher standards.
With an apologetic glance toward Agent M at the next table, she took a beak full of field mouse and tried to leave as few entrails as possible hanging from her beak. She knew that her day could not possibly get any worse, and then it did.
Sliding onto the seat across from her was her main rival here at OWCA, Agent P. It galled her that despite the fact that this… bottom feeding monotreme, while not actually being a predator, had somehow managed to maintain a top-flight reputation at the Organization.
Of course, when one only has to face off against a joke like Heinz Doofenshmirtz, how hard was it to build a reputation? She wondered idly how long this semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal would last against an opponent with magic.
The platypus maintained eye contact with Agent O for several seconds before issuing for a sort of clattering growl. Agent O bobbed her head a single time and responded.
"Prek"
The platypus nodded, then looked down and sighed. Agent P disappeared for a moment and returned helping an extremely small juvenile echidna wearing an intern's propeller beanie up to the table.
Agent O heroically kept her mirth to herself. Her intern may very well be a feathered idiot, but at least he could climb into a chair if need be. With a flash of her beak, Agent O finished off her field mouse, just in time for her intern to lose control of his flight, and crash in a most undignified, un-Owl like manner, headfirst into Agent P's coffee cup.
Agent O rolled her eyes. Could the O.W.C.A.'s standards fall any lower?
Evidently, they could, as Agent P's intern demonstrated by somehow managed to tip the cup full of wet Owl-Git over ending up trapped beneath the heavy porcelain mug along with the squirming owlet.
With a long-suffering sigh, Agent P lifted the coffee cup, freeing both the writhing, peeping interns from their self-imposed prison.
Agent O retrieved her intern and began cleaning the coffee from the hyperactive owlet in a manner that would, to those not familiar with owl interactions, suggest a savage beating.
To those familiar with owl interactions, there was no suggestion at all. It in fact, was a savage beating.
The only thing that saved Pig the Intern from massive injuries was the intercom issuing a loud 'Bing' followed by a rather nasally voice announcing: "Attention all Agents. Mentoring time is over; proceed with your primary daily missions. Good Thwarting, Agents!"
Agent O released her intern in time to spot Agent P offering her a nod, before vanishing into the churning, some might even say stampeding, crowd. Agent O launched herself into the air. There was no way she was going to allow that bottom-feeder to surpass her as an agent.
-===oooOOOooo===-
The Agent crashed her way into Lucius Malfoy's Sanctum Stultus through a convenient window.
"Ah, Hedwig the Owl," the financier of darkness purred. "The door was open; your typical Dramatic Entry was completely unnecessary."
"Prek!" the Agent responded non-apologetically, launching herself toward the blond wizard with the intent to do grievous bodily harm. In midair, she suddenly found herself bound wing and foot with a small rubber ball gag stuffed in her beak.
"My latest development," Malfoy remarked. "The Ibis Captionem spell, guaranteed to restrain an ambitious hero, or your money back."
"Prek!"
The door opened allowing entrance of an attractive woman. "Lucius," she said, concentrating on the sheaf of parchment in her hands. "What is going on with all this hair care product you've been buying?"
"It's part of the plan, Narcissa," Lucius explained helpfully.
"The plan?" she asked looking up from the invoice to take in the scene before her. "Lucius, why do you have an owl in bondage gear?"
"Oh, you haven't been introduced, have you? Narcissa Malfoy, this is Hedwig the Owl, my arch-nemesis. Hedwig the Owl, Narcissa Malfoy, my wife."
Narcissa looked between her husband and the bound owl before sighing and moving toward the door. "I don't know what this is, and I don't want to know. Don't buy anything that isn't in the budget without going through me."
As the door shut, Agent O bit through the ball gag and shredded her bindings with a heave of her mighty wings. She landed on the floor to find Lucius seated on a chaise, almost in tears.
"It wasn't always like this, Hedwig the Owl," the blond man sighed. "We were so happy when we started. It was the age-old story how an evil boy met an evil girl, we had a love strong enough to rule the whole wide world. We took the town by force, hand in hand, of course, we were as happy as we could be." Lucius wiped his eyes before continuing, "We maniacally laughed at all the same things, first we'll steal a glance, then a kiss and then our wedding rings…"
"Prek," Hedwig said consolingly, gently patting Lucius on his shoulder with a wingtip.
"I can still remember," Lucius sobbed, "when our inferi armies marched, to the beating of our hearts, I was as happy as I could be with my evil girl by me."
Hedwig wasn't quite sure when today's thwarting had gone wrong, but there was no way she was sticking around to see how it ended. Without another word, she took flight exiting through the window she had broken on her way in.
"Curse you, Hedwig the Owl," Lucius called inconsolably from behind her.
A/N: And there it ends. The seed for this was watching an episode of Phineas and Ferb with my grandkids while contemplating a story with Lucius being as pathetically incompetent as Draco, only maintaining the image he had because Narcissa was propping him up.
I could never think of an appropriately Phineas and Ferb-ish massive construction that Harry and Ron would be occupied with through the day that would drive Hermione as the Candice espy to distraction tattling to McGonagal (or 'Mom') only to be ignored.
Still, I quite enjoyed the mental image of the OWACA interns wearing propeller beanies rather than the more traditional fedoras of the full agents. And Susan Bones and her fellow female Hufflepuffs make great standins for Isabella and the Fireside girls.