A/N: I do not own Harry Potter. Nor any of the other characters or situations associated with Harry Potter. This story is particularly silly so it probably should not be read, by anyone at any time. Ever. Allowing your children to read this is most likely classified as child abuse in most civilized countries. In fact, the Dursleys probably made Harry read my stuff, evil bastards that they were. But, if you've ever read any of the tripe that passes for my writing, you already know that.
The Other
Chapter One - The Beginning
It is a little-known aspect of the universe that there is always a single entity who can claim the title of Universal Supreme Bad-Ass. Entire civilizations tremble at the thought of coming into contact with the holder of the title and do everything within their power to avoid such encounters if they possibly can or placating the entity who is the living embodiment of sudden painful death.
The universe is, as any student of space can tell you, an unimaginably large place. This means that entire planets, entire star systems, and indeed entire galaxies go through their entire existence without ever coming into contact with one of these beings of power, so it is understandably confusing when one considers that a minor planet circling an underachieving yellow star which was itself gravitationally bound to one of the arms of a minor spiral galaxy would not only be the homeworld of more than one of these Avatars of Destruction but was indeed the homeworld of two of them.
Born in the year 1940, as the primary species of this insignificant planet tracked time, Carlos Ray Norris came to awareness of his power early in life and set himself on the path toward becoming a planetary hero. Simply being the Universe's Supreme Bad-Ass required iron discipline and inhuman training, and Norris excelled at both. Under the guise of being an 'Action Movie Star' Norris achieved his ultimate power following which he single-handedly stopped six bush wars, two insurrections, averted a nuclear war and prevented a nuclear reactor from melting down by glaring at it in a menacing manner. Finally, he repelled not one but three separate Alien Invasions by force of personality, strategically placed roundhouse kicks and the breaking of two very different Alien Princesses to his formidable will.
All was well in Norris' world until he woke one morning in late July 1980 and for the first time knew fear.
He had been surpassed in his sheer universal Bad-Assedness. That alone was not what had frightened him; he had always known that eventually, it would happen, just as he had been aware of the previous Supreme Bad-Ass he had replaced, but that entity had been the inhabitant of a planet half a universe distant. The one who had surpassed Norris actually lived on Earth.
In the history of the universe, no planet had ever hosted more than one Supreme Bad-Ass over its lifespan, much less hosting two in a row. This was an incident of great importance, but just what it meant would not become clear until much later.
Norris had choices to make. His senses told him that if he were foolish enough to challenge the newcomer he would lose and lose badly. There was nowhere he could run to escape the wrath of the new Supreme Bad-Ass, so his only hope was to sink into obscurity and hope that the newcomer did not find it worth his while to eliminate his predecessor.
Norris set in motion the actions that would end his movie career and start his move into bad television shows, infomercials, and ill-advised political punditry. His time in the sun was over. Saving the world was the job of the new kid.
Norris paused for a moment before he signed the contract that would save his life. Would anyone actually believe that he had gotten his physique from this 'Total Gym' toy? Ah, the madness of it all. As he signed his name on the contract that started his path to obscurity, he wished the new kid well.
What kind of name was Neville Longbottom anyway?
-oooOOOooo-
As the Universe's newest Supreme Bad Ass gained consciousness for the first time, a single thought echoed through his mind. That first thought was "What kind of name was Chuck Norris anyway?"
Neville Franklin Longbottom grew, as most children do, under the watchful eye of his family. His mother, Alice, knew of his specialness from the very first. Frank, his father, did not truly understand how special his son was until the man bent over to pick his son up, planning to play their favorite game of 'toss Neville into the air' and suddenly found himself flying toward the ceiling, with his giggling seven-month-old son doing the throwing.
At eight months of age, Neville began speaking, skipping the entire 'Mama' and 'Dada' stage and going directly to complete, if mispronounced, sentences.
Even Universal Supreme Badasses can have childhood speech impediments.
A/N: Yeah, a Super Neville story. As the Universe's Supreme Badass, he still loses his mother and father to Bella and crew but wanders in near the end and Bella casts cruciatus on him.
Causing Neville to say "Owie!" and then beat them all senseless.
Basically, I'm setting up a Batman origin for Nev, with Augusta as his 'Alfred'. Trevor is the Loch Ness Monster who Neville adopted as a pet. I've got a scene in outline where a tiny 3-year-old Neville faces down an 80 foot Nessy saying "Sit!" Fortunately for everyone's sanity, old Trevor has the ability to change himself into a toad.
Not really sure where it could go from here...