Broken Wings Chapter 4
A/N: Hey, everyone. This week is suicide prevision week. I just wanted to say that suicide is never the answer. If you are thinking about taking your own life, please talk to someone, a friend, a family member, a teacher, a coworker, anybody, just talk. If you feel like you can't talk to anyone you know in person, please, feel free to PM me, I will talk to you. And as corny as it sounds, it does get better. I mean, look at me; I've been beaten, broken, tried to take my own life, and raped. I can talk about it now, but when I tried to take my own life, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it, so I didn't. Tori's little speech in the chapter, it explains how I felt when I tried, except I was out. I hope you enjoy this chapter.
(Tori's P.O.V.)
The feeling of Jade against me was the most amazing thing I've ever felt in my life, but I couldn't stay here, she found me, I needed to run. I pushed her away and got in my car. She just stood there, staring at me, as I drove away. I drove as fast as I could, I was so lucky that there were no cops anywhere.
I pulled into my driveway, to my surprise, Trina was standing outside talking to someone on the phone. I got out of the car and Trina hung up the phone, running over to me, and slapping me harder then I've ever been slapped in my life.
"WHAT THE FUCK, TORI!" She screamed at me before pulling me into a hug. It's safe to say that I have no idea what is going on. "What the fuck were you thinking? I'm so glad Jade got to you in time! I'm glad I was on the phone with her when I found your note!"
"You told her? Why the fuck were you even talking to her?" I was angry, not that Trina told Jade, but because Trina was talking to Jade, jealousy is what people call that. I don't know why I was jealous, Trina doesn't like women, so it makes no since that I would get upset over this.
"I was looking for you! Damn it! I know you like her, Tori, I have for a long time now, it's all in the way you look at her. Why wouldn't you talk to me? Why, damn it!? I'm your sister, Tori, I will love you no matter what!" Trina started yelling at me, the only think I could do is cry. She shoved me away. "Why? Just fucking why?"
"Because I can't fucking have her!" I yelled and crumpling to my knees in front of her. "Because she's in love with him." I sobbed.
Trina kneeled in front of me, she wrapped me in a tight hug. "Tori, she might not know it yet, but she is in love with you." I pulled away from her, giving her a confused look. "Have you not seen the way she looks at you?" She giggled softly. "She gives you the same look that you give her, Tori. The I-need-you look."
"She loves him, Trina, Jade love's Beck. Don't try to convince me other wise, because it's true. I promise that I wont try again, but, I just need to be alone." I got off the ground and walked inside. When I made it to my room, I laid on my bed and I really don't know how long I've been laying here, but I just staid.
"Tori?" I heard softly coming from my door.
Fuck! What is she doing here!? I thought to myself. I didn't move from my spot, on my side, facing the wall.
"Tori?" She come closer to me but I still didn't move. I really don't know if I can face her. "We need to talk, I know you know that." I could tell she was standing by the bed, she was talking softly, as if she only wanted me to hear her speak. She sits down on the edge of my bed, right bye me. "I know you're not asleep, Tori, so just talk to me." She puts her hand on my shoulder and shakes me. "DAMN IT, VEGA! ROLL OVER AND FUCKING TALK TO ME!"
"What do you want, West?" I still didn't roll over, I couldn't look at her, I just couldn't. What the hell am I supposed to say? What did she expect from me? I'm not meant to be here right now, I'm meant to be in an eternal sleep on the beach.
"What do I want? WHAT DO I WANT?" Jade yells, standing up and kicking my bed. "I want you to tell me why, Vega. What the fuck were you thinking?"
I finally rolled over to look at her, not looking into her eyes, but to just look at her. "Why does it matter, Jade?" I didn't really want her to answer the question, I didn't even want her to be here…can't a woman get some freaking alone time? Like really?
"You were going to kill yourself, Tori. You, Tori fucking Vega! The Tori I know would never even think about doing something like that, no matter what was going through her head, because she loved the people she cared about to much to put them through that. So way?" She looked half angry and half concerned, like she really cared. I have no idea what Trina was talking about when she said Jade has feelings for me as well, I don't see it at all.
"Listen to me, West, I'm only going to tell you this once. You don't know me as well as you think you do." I took a deep breath. "It's so easy to make everyone think you're okay, did you know that? All you really have to do is put a smile on your face and sound happy when you talk. And you say that I'm not a great actress, I had even you convinced that I was happy, that nothing was ever wrong. Well, baby, everything is wrong. I'm gay, I'm depressed, and I think about killing myself constantly. I hate that I'm gay, I hate everything about it." Tears started slowly coming down my checks, as much as I hated to cry in front of people, Jade and I are alike in that. "People say you should be proud of who you are and who you love, but I can't be proud of this. This means I'm going straight to hell, people would rather see me dead then out walking the streets. God forbid I look at a fucking girl.
I'm depressed because I'm gay, because I can't be with the woman I love. I can't have the life I wanted. Because now I'm nothing. It would be easier on, not only me, but on everyone if I just never woke back up. My family wouldn't have to deal with the shame of having a gay daughter, the looks they will get, from the people at church, once this gets out. I wont have the future they wanted for me. My friends wouldn't have to feel ashamed of being seen with me. It just all sucks. Why the hell wouldn't I want to end it all?" I took a deep breath. "I just wanted to kiss you once, before I took my last breath." I looked over at Jade, who has sat down on the edge of my bed once again.
"Tori." Jade whispered, looking into my eyes, and for the first time today I really looked into hers. "Suicide is never the answer. If people don't except that you are a lesbian, then they don't need to be in your life. As for your friends, and I'm including me in this category, we wont care. Tori, we love you just as you are, you should know that already. I'm sure Trina doesn't care, I mean, come on, I've seen her checking out Cat lately, and Beck. As for your mom and dad, they will still love you when you come out to them, even if they don't except it at first they will one day and they will love you and who ever you end up with." Jade looked away quickly. "Tori, why did you want to kiss me?"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, debating with myself, not knowing if I should tell her how I feel or not. We sat there in silence for what seemed like forever before I just thought the hell with it. "BecauseyouarethewomanIlove." I rushed out.
Jade looked back at me, confused. "Um, a little slower there Vega."
"Because you are the woman I love." I looked away from her, I didn't want to see the disgust in her eyes.
"Tori." She put two fingers under my chin, making look at her. "I'm really flatter that you like me, but I'm straight, and I'm dating Beck." She wiped a tear off my check with her thumb. "I hope that me rejecting you doesn't make you want to stop being my friend? Because that would really suck."
"I know you are straight, Jade." I said, it sounded bitter to even my ears. "I'm glad you're okay with me and all, but will you leave now? I really just want to be left alone."
She looked upset, but she got up and walked out the door, leaving it open. I laid back down and rolled over to face the wall once again. I didn't sleep, I just stared at the wall, I didn't know what to do anymore.
(Jade's P.O.V.)
I walked out of Vega's room, confused to say the least. "Jade." I heard as soon as my foot hit the floor leave of the Vega house. I looked up to see Trina Vega looking at me. "How is she?"
I looked around the room, just making sure no one was in the room with us. "She was going to kill herself, Trina, what do you think?" I said, and for once I wasn't being my rude self. I walked over to where Trina was, in the kitchen. "She's afraid that people aren't going to like her when the find out she's gay." I looked down at my feet like they were the most interesting thing in the world. "I'm worried about her Trina."
Trina came over to me and put a hand on my shoulder. "I know kiddo. But I will look after her tonight and if anything happens, good or bad, I'll let you know. Okay?" She smiled at me. I nodded and walked off, out the front door, into my car, and drove away.
I didn't really understand what was going on with me, really. I told Vega we are friends, and that kiss, I can't stop thinking about it. It was better than any kiss that I have gotten from Beck. Maybe she's just a good kisser, yeah, that's it. Tori Vega's just a better kisser that my boyfriend, he doesn't need to know that though.
When I got home I went straight to my room, I grabbed my notebook and started writing.
"I Jade West, will stop being a bitch to Vega. She's pretty cool, I guess. But there is just something about here. I don't know what it is, but it's there. I'm going to talk to Trina about getting her some help with her depression because it honestly does scare me. I thought she would be smart enough to not try suicide, I always thought that if she felt that way she would talk to some body, but I guess I was wrong. I'm going to make it my mission to get her to see someone. That's what she needs right not, right? Am I doing the right thing? I don't know."
I put my notebook back under my mattress and laid down. I just laid there until I feel asleep, I don't know how long it took me to fall into a deep Tori filled dream state, but I was in one.