A/N: I don't own Harry Potter and wouldn't particularly care to. I would like a rental agreement with option to buy for Hermione Granger. A short-term contract with Nymphadora Tonks wouldn't be turned down. A Long-term agreement with Luna Lovegood would probably be a whole lot of fun. Any time Padma Patil wants to open negotiations, call me and oh for a weekend with Fleur. Oddly Lavender and Padma's sister (despite being her twin) Parvati do nothing for me…
But, Sirius-ly Folks
Part One – OOH WA OOH WA OOH WA OOH!
1994 was a rough year for Sirius Black. Oh, it was several orders of magnitude better than the decade he spent in Azkaban Prison, but being on the run from both the Ministry that he had once served and the Death Eaters was stressful unto its self. That and the startling realization that starvation while on the run was a lot worse than the starvation he had endured while confined to a small ten-foot square cell under the tender ministrations of the Dementors.
Sirius had been in his animagus form for three days short of two months, and frankly the pickings had been slim. His last meal was been an especially small rat almost a week before. The animal was in control more often than not. While foraging near Killin in Argyll when he happened across what appeared to be a large bowl of a Muggle branded canned dog food. The human part of his mind screamed that something wasn't right, but the animal wouldn't listen and leapt upon the jellied meat byproducts like the starving animal it was.
Sirius was only moderately surprised when an irresistible need to sleep came upon him.
-===oooOOOooo===-
"Got one Boss!" The large man said loading Sirius' sleeping form onto a cart.
"Excellent Cad. He's a big one. Well done indeed." The small man in the lab coat said rubbing his gloved hands together.
"He's just skin and bones Boss." The man named Cad Lackey didn't mind slapping people around, but hurting animals was beyond the pale.
"We'll soon be fixing that." The small man said. He paused to pick up a syringe from the table, and injected the contents into the nape of the dog's neck. "Simon says GROW STRONG! This muscle growth accelerator will fix him right up. Put a large bowl of food in his cage with him Cad. He's going to need the protein."
"Right Boss."
-===oooOOOooo===-
Sirius woke up. Not outside. He thought. How did I get into a building? The large dog lifted his head and blinked. How did he get into a cage? That smell… FOOD! The dog in him was on his feet and moving toward the bowl.
Wait! The human side of his mind screamed. The last time I ate that I woke up in a cage.
I'm IN a cage. The canine side of his mind intoned. Maybe if I eat it I'll wake up in a field.
The rumbling in his stomach made it difficult for the human side of his mind to find flaws in that logic. So, they dug in to the dog food.
One of the advantages of being a dog is that everything, no matter how nasty tasted good. The bowl was empty in short order. Sirius stretched and yawned. He then paused and examined how he felt. No, not sleepy, that was just a normal dog yawn. Ok, good.
Looking through the chain link that made up the cage he was in, he could see no one. He kept looking about, this time up and around. There. A Muggle camera aimed right at him. He tried to remember what Lily had told him about cameras like that. He noted that there was a blinking light on it, and that it had one of those elekriky ropes that connected the camera to the wall. That meant that it should react badly to magic. Sirius the dog closed his eyes and changed.
When Sirius Black was human again, he opened his eyes and saw that they light on the camera was out and a wisp of smoke was issuing from the body of the device. Sowing a little chaos always brightened the day of the Marauder named Padfoot. A smirk crossed his lips as he concentrated on his cave near Hogsmeade and was gone.
-===oooOOOooo===-
Cad Lackey burst into Simon's office. "Boss, that dog that came in yesterday is gone."
"The big black one?" the scientist asked. "How did he get out of the cage?"
"I don't know. The kennel camera went out and I went down to get a look at it, the cage is empty, but the door is still latched. The last thing on the tape before the camera died was the dog looking directly at the camera."
"Cad, you're imagining things." A dog wouldn't even see a camera; their vision is keyed to movement."
"You can see the tape for yourself Boss."
-===oooOOOooo===-
Part Two – When Death Eaters in this world appear and break the laws that they should fear and frighten all who see or hear…
Following the tragic end of the Triwizard Tournament, and the rebirth of the Dark Lord Voldemort, Albus Dumbledore approached Sirius to open his ancestral home in London at 12 Grimmauld Place to give the Order of the Phoenix a headquarters and to supply a secondary place of refuge for Sirius' godson Harry Potter.
Sirius was overjoyed to be able to offer Harry a home even if it was an occasional one. Somewhat less so to find Dumbledore bringing the various thieves, control freaks, do nothings, and lickspittles that made up the current incarnation of the Order of the Phoenix into his home without as much as a by your leave. Still this arrangement allowed Remus to move in.
The two old friends took up where they had left off in their relationship more than a decade before; with fellowship and abuse.
Sirius's first indication that is was indeed still 'on' with Remus was when he passed through the entryway of his ancestral home to find his mother's portrait open to the hall, and his mother's avatar in fine voice due to the crudely drawn mustache and eyeglasses that now decorated her face. Given that this painting was nothing more than a reflection of his mother, she of course, blamed him. Loudly.
Sirius was well aware of things that almost no one else knew. Everyone knew that the driving force behind the Marauders had been James Potter and himself. That little Peter was a hanger-on and that Remus was the quite voice of moderation that did his best to reign in the others. The truth was Remus was the planner of the group. He came up with the absurdly complex pranks that the other three implemented. Far from attempting to reign the Marauders in, Remus and his imagination spurred them on to ever more devious and destructive acts of mayhem.
For example, it was Remus who charmed the Slytherin table causing the entire house to transform into small orange skinned gnomes and sing a song whose chorus was something like 'Oompa Loompa' after one of the Slytherin girls had reacted badly to Remus breaking up with her by spreading rumors about his John Thomas being on the miniscule side. Take out the entire army and let your intended target get caught in the splatter was Remus' favorite technique.
James and Sirius were of course blamed for the 'Oompa Loompa' event, despite their loud denials. Privately the pair had agreed that the Slytherins were lucky Remus hadn't inflicted his deep fascination with the Muggle musical group ABBA on them.
So… Sirius thought as Molly Weasley rampaged into the entryway screaming about the noise from the portrait, matching said painting in volume and invective. I'm caught in the splatter. It's still on.
Sirius immediately set out to plan his revenge on his oldest friend… taking time to 'mark his territory' while exploring Remus' room during the planning stage… Too bad about the Were's shoes.
-===oooOOOooo===-
Six weeks later:
"Alright Padfoot, alright," a feather covered Remus Lupin said. "Re need to stop ris before somerone gets hurt. Marauder Pax?"
"Mawada Pax," the oddly anamorphic Great Dane agreed. "Remus, row rue I get bak?"
"Unfortunaree, it rill have to rear off." The Birdman of Grimmauld Place said, spitting out yet another beak full of feathers. "No more than a day. Probabry. What about me?
Sirius shrugged. "Dunno. I just cast."
That was Sirius in a nutshell. He just cast. It took two days for Remus to molt and return to normal.
Sirius himself remained a cartoon Great Dane with a speech impediment for a day and a half, but there was an after effect that Remus could not explain. Sirius was suddenly speaking in rhyme.
The whole 'speaking in rhyme' bothered Sirius for most of a week, before he just decided to quit worrying about it and have some fun. Bad poetry reigned supreme for another week in the Ancestral Black Home, until everyone was well and truly sick of it, including a certain Dog animagus, but try as he might, he couldn't stop.
-===oooOOOooo===-
Remus arrived late for the night's meeting of the Order of the Phoenix, upon entering the room he found the membership sitting around the table, looking at Sirius in a most annoyed manner. The Head of House Black sat by himself next to the door surrounded by a pile of dirty shoes, with several pair of newly cleaned and shined shoes to his immediate left.
"Moony!" Sirius laughed. "The Order's drifted by in ones and twos, so I'm using the time to shine their shoes!" The animagus happily returned his attention to putting a spit shine on a buckled monstrosity that Remus recognized as belonging to Moody.
"That's nice Sirius." Remus said resisting the urge to pat his obviously insane friend on the head as he made his way to the table.
"Remus!" Sirius called. "You forgot to give us your shoes, to attend tonight's meeting, those are the dues."
"Just give him your shoes Lupin," Moody said gruffly. "He pitches a fit if you don't."
"You make it sound like I'm quite mean," Sirius protested as he took custody of Remus' shoes. "My esteem for you all knows no bounds, so if my efforts allow you to all look spiffy and keen, then surely my method can't be as insane as it sounds." The bearded man nodded to himself happy with his spontaneous rhyming.
Remus looked to Moody who just shrugged and accepted his shoe back from the grinning head of House Black. "Thank you Black…" The old Auror said gruffly, before flipping the shoe shining maniac a coin.
"Bless you sir." Sirius said with sincere gratitude, before verifying the quality of the metal in the coin with a quick bite.
"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed. "There is something very wrong here; you're acting all humble and loveable."
"I know, I know, and I'm fighting it Moonie…" the animagus said as he started in on the base coat on what Remus suspected to be Tonk's left pump. "It's really annoying and I sound quite loony."
The cry goes up both far and near for
Sirius! Sirius! Sirius! Sirius!
Speed of lightning! Roar of thunder!
Fighting all who kill or plunder!
Sirius! Sirius!
Yeah, an Underdog cross. I had great plans (and even an outline) for this one. There was going to be repeated episodes of Precision Canine Areal Fecal bombardment inexplicably happening whenever Lucius Malfoy went outside, I was going to introduce Polly Sweet, who was of course a Pure Blood as Sirius' love interest, and of course, at some point Sirius would be heard to say "When Harry's in trouble, I am not slow, it's hip, hip, hip, and away I go!"
I never quite figured out how I was going to maneuver Luna Lovegood into position to opine that a flying Sirius might be a frog.
BUT, it never went anywhere. I've not managed another word in this on for most of 10 years. Free to a good home.