Sailor Man

The sailor made his way down Magnolia Crescent before he turned left on Privet Drive, checking the slip of paper in his hand, and then an elaborate map, and made his way along the way to #4. If anyone had been paying attention, they would have seen a short bald man with massive forearms. The man was noticeably bowlegged, making his stride more of a lope than a step. Muttering to himself with a pipe clenched in his teeth, he approached the door to #4 and rang the bell.

When the owner of #4 opened his front door, the sailor launched a thunderous punch into the larger man's face.

Vernon Dursley flew backward from the force of the blow, stopping only when he impacted into the far wall of the house. The big man rose to his feet with a curse and rushed forward to deliver his own punch into the sailor's face, knocking him out of the doorway, all the way to the street. The Sailor rose to his feet and rushed forward to wrap Dursley in a bear hug. "Bluto, ya old bastard, I've missed ya so much. I ain't taken a deckent punch since ya left wit' our goil."

"I've missed you too, Popeye," Vernon laughed. "Come in, I'll crack open a cask of the good stuff I've been saving."

"Lead the way, shipmate," the sailor nodded enthusiastically.

-ooo000ooo-

"A man of the sea doin' honest work," Popeye sneered. "Ya should be ashamsk of ya'self."

"It's not that bad," Vernon protested. "Sure, it's boring, and the commute is hell, but it bought all this," he gestured around the room. "It was the least I could do for Olive and her family. You aren't still mad about that are you, Popeye?"

"Olive chose ya, Bluto," Popeye sighed. "And ya made her happy. Wha' kinda man would I be if I stayed mad about that? Can't say I like the new names, but…"

"You know about Castor's troubles with the mob," Vernon shrugged with a wry grin. "They had to hide. A British Evans family doesn't remind anyone of the American Oyl family. And no one would ever mistake Vernon Dursley for Bluto the Terrible."

"The mob," the sailor sniffed.

"Not much of a challenge for you or me," Vernon nodded, "but for the Oyls? They wouldn't have lasted a week."

"Well, ya didn't ask me ta visit fer that, Bluto," Popeye said. "Why did ya write?"

"Do you remember Olive's baby sister, Cylinda?"

"Tiny lil thing when you left," Popeye nodded.

"Well, it turns out that she was a witch."

"A witch?" the Sailor sputtered. "Like the Sea Hag?"

"No, Cylinda didn't have the hots for an old washed up sailor," Vernon grinned. "And she was different than the Sea Hag in other ways as well. She grew up here and was called Lily. She attended a school for witches and wizards up in Scotland, and eventually married a classmate. The magicals were having a war between themselves, and somehow Lily and her James ended up in the middle of it. They were both killed, but their son, little Harry, all of 15 months old, ended up ending the leader of the evil wizards."

"Found hisself some spinach, I bet," the sailor nodded.

"No one other than Harry survived, so that's a possibility," Vernon continued. Harry is living with us, now. A month ago, we were out for a picnic at the local park and a group of the evil bastards found us. I ended up beating them senseless, but they managed to use their magic on me. I almost didn't make it."

"Hmm," Popeye rubbed his chin. "Are they after the family or just the tyke?"

"We think they're after Harry," Vernon explained.

"Then, the thing to do is ter let me take 'im," the sailor opined. "Take 'im to sea, make a man out of 'im. I could use the help to find Pappy."

"He's lost again?"

"He's Poopdeck Pappy," Popeye shrugged. "If'n he twern't lost, he'd be bored."

AN: Yeah, a Popeye cross. This came from a discussion over lunch about favorite cartoons. Many of my coworkers, mere children in their 30s had no idea who or what Popeye was (beyond the Fried Chicken franchise). To be clear, Castor Oyl got into trouble with the Mob (one of his Get Rich Quick schemes blew up even more spectacularly than normal) and the Oyls had to get out of Dodge (well, Sweethaven), taking on the Evans family name. Olive chose Bluto, who followed the Oyls to the UK, becoming Vernon Dursley, with the Sea Hag coming along taking the name Marge.

When he's 11, Harry isn't likely to have much interest in school, but Dumbles does tend to get his way.

I fully intend to pick this one up someday, but if anyone else wants it, feel free.