Harry Potter and his Low-Stress School Days
"Vernon?" the dapper man asked in shock. "Vernon Dursley?"
"Oh, hello, James," Dursley said, looking up from his newspaper and offering the other man a smirk. "How's your arm?"
"You think you're funny," James sighed, "but you're not."
"I'll have you know, I'm the life of quite a few parties," Dursley said, his grin widening. "Aren't I Ms. Moneypenny?"
"Indubitably, Vernon," Eve Moneypenny agreed from behind her desk while reflecting it was true, the good ones were all married. "So, James, what happened to your arm?"
"A minor accident, Moneypenny," James sniffed.
"A minor accident involving making a rather blatant pass at my wife at the baccarat table the Casino de Monte Carlo," Vernon laughed. "The cad actually put his hand on her thigh under the table."
"Are you insane, James?" Eve gasped. "You actually laid hands on Petunia Evans?"
"I didn't know who she bloody was," James protested. "I was looking for information about Blofeld's location, and I'd heard a woman of her description was known to have dealings with SPECTRE."
"If it makes you feel any better, James," Vernon laughed, "she did have 'dealings' as you put it with Blofeld. It was most of 15 years ago, and she's the one who gave him his scar, for much the same reason she broke your arm."
"If her reputation is anything to go on," Moneypenny giggled, "I'm surprised you got off so lightly, James."
"Motherhood has mellowed her in some ways," Vernon admitted. "She understands that boys will be boys now that she's raising two fine strapping lads herself." His eyes glinted in amusement. "She also knows how to apply a little discipline to correct aberrant behavior."
"Aberrant behavior?" Bond sputtered, "I'll have you know…"
"No, you will not, 007," the elderly man in the doorway to the inner office said. "Dursley, quit winding 007 up and get in here."
"My apologies, M," Dursley said with his famous smile as he rose to his feet.
The old man closed the door behind his agent and sighed quietly. "I am no longer M."
Vernon's eyes widened slightly as he took in the sight of the woman sitting behind M's desk, paging through a thick file. "I see," he said with a nod. "Congratulations on your retirement then, old boy. And M? My sympathies for the workload you've taken on."
"Really, Dursley?" the woman asked in a frigid tone, "Do you have problems with working for a woman?"
"Of course not," Dursley laughed. "I've taken the Queen's shilling since I finished at Smeltings. Her Majesty has been my only employer for my entire working life. Granted, female supervisors have been a bit rare on the ground, but I am married. One might say I serve two mistresses."
M's eyes narrowed as she returned her attention to the file in front of her. "Vernon Michael Dursley. Thirty-nine years old. Finished top of your class at Smeltings in 1967, enlisting with the Royal Marines four days after you finished school."
"Dad was a Marine, Granddad was Army, Great Grandad was Navy, it was always going to be one of them. Service to the Empire is built into the family DNA," Dursley shrugged.
"Yes," M said icily. "In 1972 you came to the attention of the intelligence services when your services were seconded to an operation on Gibraltar. You acted as a sniper, yes?"
"I did," Vernon agreed.
"And you rather impressed the agent in charge," she noted. "In 1975 after assisting with several more operations, you were recruited to MI-6, rising to the 00 group in only three years."
"005," Dursley nodded.
"Your ninth mission was to liquidate the infamous Petunia Evans, and stop her scheme to destroy Brussels," M noted. "Instead, you seduced and married her."
"Thereby stopping her scheme to destroy Brussels," Dursley shrugged. "She had an issue with the EU over their requiring Retirement Plans and Health Benefits for minions and wanted to express her displeasure in an admittedly over the top display of power."
"Still, you did not follow your orders."
"If I may, M," her predecessor interrupted. "It turned out that Petunia had inserted a network of cloaked weapons platforms into orbit, configured as a doomsday device, tied to her heartbeat. If Dursley had killed her, the world would have died in a rain of nuclear weapons."
"Not that I knew that, of course," Dursley admitted. "It just seemed to me that allowing a mind like my dear Pet's to be lost when it was possible to reform her and give her a new focus would be an utter waste."
"None of this is in Dursley's file," M said, her eyes wide in shock.
"The fact that someone had managed to covertly orbit a fleet of undetectable weapons platforms?" the older man sighed. "That would never be in a personnel file, not even one as secure as Dursley's. For that information, you will need to access the mission files. They are in a sub-vault of Q's department, not digitized in any way. A single paper copy exists and reviewing it will require you to have a second person with Epsilon clearance with you during your review."
"There are only six Epsilon personnel in the entire government," M gasped.
"Five. My clearance was downgraded as soon as you took command. By now, you must understand how classified the entire operation turned out to be," the former M said. "What the Evans family managed to do must never become public knowledge."
"Umm…" M hesitated. "Yes. Three years after you married, you left the Double O service to act as a general troubleshooter, often including your wife in your operations."
"Until she became pregnant with Dudley, yes," Dursley nodded. "She decided that she had slowed down too much by her 7th month and asked to be excluded for active operations while she continued to run her network of intelligence operatives."
"And why hasn't her network been integrated into our own?" M asked pointedly.
"Mostly because none of her operatives would ever work for us," Dursley explained. "While they do work for Pet."
"Why would they work for her, but not us?" M asked.
"Fear," Vernon shrugged. "They do not fear us, they know that the worst we could do would be to kill them. They are terrified of my darling wife; her operatives know that death would not keep them safe from her."
The conversation paused for a beat while M considered this information before she resumed the interview. "Where is your wife, anyway?"
"Finishing up a bit of work," Dursley confided. "Blofeld poked his head out of whatever hole he's been hiding in. Pet has gone to discuss his future with him."
"Alone?" M asked.
"Of course not," Dursley laughed. "She took the boys."
"She took your 10-year-old son and nephew to take on Blofeld and SPECTRE?" M demanded incredulously.
Dursley's face took on an expression of confusion before understanding replaced it. "Oh, I see, you think they're just children," He laughed, "you have to remember, M, both those boys are from the Evans family, with everything that means."
Both Dursley and the former M had the good graces to not comment on how pale M had turned.
-ooo000ooo-
"The famous Petunia Evans," Ernst Stavro Blofeld sneered, regarding the woman bound to the chair she sat upon. "Did you think I'd forgotten?"
"Oh, Ernst," Petunia sighed, "do we have to do this the hard way?"
"You are the one restrained, dear Petunia," the bald man pointed out. "You will answer my questions, telling me everything you know, and then we will deal with your husband and children."
"You know," Petunia laughed, "I'm almost inclined to allow you to capture my children, just so I could witness how well they've learned the lessons I've taught them to destroy you. But, as my late sister could tell you, I've never been one to share."
Blofeld nodded and one of his henchmen wheeled a stainless-steel cart into position next to Petunia. He then removed the sheet covering the top of the cart to reveal that the upper tray of the cart was loaded with surgical instruments.
"For god's sake, Ernst," Petunia sighed, "Must you be so needlessly melodramatic in everything you do?"
-ooo000ooo-
A/N: So, yeah, the whole 'abusive Vernon, uncaring Petunia, bully Dudley, and pathetically put upon Harry isn't real. It's their cover.
In real life, Heroic Vernon bent the malevolent Petunia to his will, (ala Angelina DiGriz) and made a (semi) honest woman of her. Dudley and Harry are best friends and brothers who give each other crap (that's what brothers are for, after all) but would destroy anyone else who tried.
Basically, then British Intelligence comes across a situation that causes the Double O agents to crap their pants in terror, they call in the Dursley family, with Vernon having changed the focus of the infamous Evans family from World Domination to Maintaining the Status Quo. Not that Petunia and the boys are opposed to a bit of carnage.
School time comes and Dudley is off to Smeltings and Harry is off to Hogwarts.
Once there, Harry finds the place... relaxing. With only two or three attempts on his life in a WHOLE year, Harry comes to think of the time spent in those hallowed halls to be a bit of a vacation.
This is another one I tinker with, but if anyone wants to take a shot, feel free.