Birth of a Villain
Chapter 1 – Evil on Fluttering Wings
The fat man struggled to rise from his chair when the front door for #4 Privet Drive exploded into his sitting room.
"Did you think you'd get away with it, Dursley?" the first of the intruders asked conversationally. The tall thin man was clad in black tights with a golden-orange jerkin, golden-orange boots, gloves, wings, antennae, a belt buckle in the shape of a butterfly, and elaborate goggle-masks with red lenses.
"Selling defective drills is bad enough," his shorter, fatter companion continued. This pudgy fellow was in a similar butterfly-themed outfit. "But selling them to us is a form of suicide."
Vernon Dursley quaked under the gaze and weapons of the two costumed henchmen, his terror only grew when the leader of the Fluttering Horde strode into the ruined sitting room.
"Dr. Girlfriend says we can expect the Po-Po to be along in 9 minutes, so let's make this snappy," The Monarch sneered. "I want the replacement drills, Dursley, and all of my money back."
Sales. Vernon's fear consumed mind suddenly realized that this was yet another sales opportunity and went into its negotiation mode. "You asked for cheap drills and cheap drills you got, Monarch," he blustered. "If you want to upgrade, it will cost you."
"Henchman 24?" The man in the butterfly costume ordered.
The thinner of the henchmen fired his pistol into Vernon's left knee. Dursley grasped at the ruined joint and screamed in agony.
Seven-year-old Dudley Dursley thundered down the stairs to find out what was happening while seven-year-old Harry Potter peeked out the door of his cupboard.
"Top of the line drills, Dursley," the Monarch sneered. "And the full 100,000 pounds returned in full. Do I make myself clear?"
Vernon nodded through his pain.
"Good," the Monarch nodded. "Henchman 24, to make sure Dursley understands how serious I am, grab his son as a reminder that one never crosses the Malevolent Monarch!"
Henchman 24 stooped to lift a squirming, squalling, Dudley from the ground. Then he repositioned his grip and tried again. And then again "Jeeze, Monarch, this kid weighs a ton."
"What about this one?" Henchman 21 asked gesturing toward the curious Harry Potter.
"Whatever," the Monarch said dismissively, "a kid's a kid."
"You're coming with us, little fella," Henchman 24 said to Harry as he was lifted from the ground.
"Okay," Harry said, speaking for the first time since the explosion.
Outside Harry and Henchman 21 climbed into the back seat of the purple Monarch Mobile (which bore a suspicious resemblance to a 1973 Dodge Dart with wings spot welded on) and waited for the Monarch and Henchman 24 to finish threatening Vernon and join them.
"Don't worry, little fella, no one is going to hurt you, the guild has strict rules about kids."
"Okay," Harry said again. "What's a guild?"
"A guild is an organization that controls other organizations," Henchman 21 explained. Seeing that the boy clearly didn't understand, he continued. "You go to school, right?"
"Yes, sir," Harry nodded energetically.
"Oh, don't call me sir," Henchman 21 laughed. "Save that for the Monarch. Call me, 21. Anyway, your school has its teachers, who are in charge of the classes, and the principal who is in charge of the teachers, right?"
"The headmistress, Mr. 21?" Harry asked hesitantly.
"Right, the headmistress," 21 nodded. "Well, she's got a boss too, the school board."
"Okay," Harry nodded.
"That's how our organization works," 21 continued. "We have squad leaders who are in charge of the troops, they're like the teachers. The Squad leaders work for the Monarch who is like your Headmistress, and The Monarch reports to the Guild of Calamitous Intent, who is like the School Board."
"Oh," Harry nodded as the Monarch and Henchman 24 got in the car. "You're really smart."
"There's something no one has ever said before," Henchman 24 snarked.
"That's for sure," the Monarch agreed.
"Hey, I'll have you two know that I got my G. E. D.," 21 responded snippily.
Harry has a sneaking suspicion that this might turn out to be fun.
Super Villain
"Woah," Harry said in wide-eyed wonder. "You've got more toys than Dudley!"
Henchman 21 stood proudly next to his massive display of collectibles. "They're not toys, Harry," he said gently. "They're collectibles, most of them are mint-in-box."
"They're freaking toys, 21," Henchman 24 said, shaking his head. "Here you go kid," 24 continued, handing Harry a metallic cylinder that looked quite like a torch.
"Thank you, Mr. 24," Harry said accepting the device, never noticing the pained look that showed clearly through 21's mask. Harry pressed the button on the cylinder and a three-foot-long shaft of glowing plastic shot forth, and the cylinder started to issue a metallic hum that changed tone as he waved the simulated laser sword around. "Wow!"
"That's a first-run replica of Ace Cody's Fusion sword from the original Star Smashers trilogy," 21 explained. "Of course, I've got another one, still mint-in-box, but this one is for cosplay."
"Star Smashers trilogy?" Harry asked.
"The original trilogy," 21 continued, "Not to be confused by the horrible prequels where access to the Bleed was caused by a special kind of amoebic dysentery."
"The Bleed?" Harry asked, truly confused by the devotion 21 had toward his toys, as nice as they were.
"The Bleed," 21 continued, his voice taking on a mysterious timbre, "is the vitality field formed by all living things. It surrounds us, infiltrates us, and fixes the universe's complications."
"Oh, jeez," 24 sighed.
"This is… real?" Harry asked.
"What? No," 24 explained. "This is all from some silly movies. 21 just gets all fanboy about this sort of thing."
"Oh," Harry nodded. "I've never been to the cinema."
"You've never seen Star Smashers?" 21 demanded. Upon seeing Harry's head shake, he pulled out three videotapes. "Harry, you're in for a treat!"
24 and Harry watched as 21 fused about setting up his television and VCR to his satisfaction. "So, who's Dudley anyway?" 24 asked.
"Excuse me?"
"Dudley," 24 pressed. "You looked at 21's crap and said he had more toys than Dudley."
"He's my cousin," Harry explained. "You met him today."
"The fat kid I couldn't lift?"
"Yup," Harry agreed. "He has lots of toys."
"More than you, eh?" 24 laughed.
"Oh, I don't have any toys," Harry sighed. "Uncle Vernon said that maybe this year I'll get something for Christmas though."
"Hmm," 24 nodded, wondering if maybe he should have shot Vernon Dursley a few more times.
Super Villain
"Hop up on the table, sweetie," the very nice, very pretty lady with the weird voice said.
"Yes, Miss," Harry responded.
"I'm going to check you out," she explained. "We call this the Entrance Physical. We use it to make sure you didn't get hurt when the Monarch had you come with him."
"I'm fine," Harry said, happily swinging his legs off the table. "Mr. 24 and Mr. 21 have been taking good care of me. We watched some movies and had Pizza for dinner! It was hot and so good."
"It's good that you're having fun," Dr. Girlfriend said while wondering to herself if the henchmen were appropriate caretakers for a young boy, perhaps 21 and 24 especially. "Take a deep breath," she instructed pressing her stethoscope against his chest.
"Well, your heart sounds good," she said stepping away to make her notes to document the state of the boy's health when they got him. No sense taking chances with the Guild's 'No harming children' policy, after all. She moved on to a small blood pressure cuff, while Harry looked on with interest.
"What does this do?"
"It will show me how well your heart is working in your body," she responded. "and it appears to be working quite well."
She sat on a stool in front of him. "Well, Harry, you're a healthy young man. You have no real medical issues beyond being a little short for your age, but you're due a growth spurt any time now, so you'll probably shoot up when it comes. Your weight is a bit low but in line with your size. The only thing I found that we need to worry about is that your prescription has changed."
The boy's happiness seemed to dim at this news. "I'm sorry."
"You've got nothing to be sorry about, Harry," Dr. Girlfriend consoled him. "As you grow, your eyes grow with you, and your glasses will need to change with you. Your new glasses should be ready tomorrow."
"Really?"
"Yes, really," she laughed. "The Guild has excellent health insurance, including optical services. As an official hostage, you've got full coverage under The Monarch's policy."
"Wow," Harry smiled. "Mr. The Monarch is so cool."
"Be sure you tell him that," Dr. Girlfriend advised. "It will make his day."
Super Villain
"Did you get a chance to do the kid's exit physical today, Pookie?" The Monarch asked as he lay back watching Dr. Girlfriend prepare for bed.
"I did," she admitted. "Being here has been good for him, in two weeks he's put on two pounds and grown almost an inch. He's just the sweetest thing. So polite, so focused on pleasing whatever authority figure he's around. He says you're cool."
"The kid's a great judge of character," the leader of the Fluttering Horde nodded.
"Having him around is great," she continued, returning to brushing her hair. "I'm going to miss him when he goes back home tomorrow."
"You'll miss him?" The Monarch asked. "I thought the Henchmen were watching him."
"They are, most of the time," she agreed, "but I wanted to make sure he's being treated properly, and added a bit of education, so he's been helping me out in my lab. That being said, I'm not sure the Henchmen are the proper sort of people to be responsible for a young boy."
"Eh, I'd wonder if the Henchmen are safe around the kid, but he's definitely safe around them," The Monarch disagreed. "Especially 21 and 24, those two always come out of every operation intact. They're practically immortal."
Dr. Girlfriend finished with her nightly ritual and slid into the bed beside him. "Still, having Harry around has been so nice," she snuggled into him. "Maybe we should think about having our own little larva."
The Monarch's blood went cold. She was thinking about kids? Oh, no way. He was far too young to get tied down. He hadn't even destroyed Venture yet.
His mind racing, he tried to think of a way to avoid children while keeping sex on the table.
"You know, I'm not sure we're going to give Dursley his son back right away," he mused while trying to keep an eye on her expression. "Maybe he needs to keep learning his lesson about defying The Malevolent Monarch!"
"You mean it, Sweetie?" Dr. Girlfriend asked, her eyes shining with tears. "You'd kidnap a child for me?"
"For you, Pookie," The Monarch smiled, "anything."
"Oh, Malcolm," she moaned as she pulled him on top of her.
Twenty minutes later, the Monarch was roused from a light doze by his lady saying something.
"What was that, Pookie?"
"I said, Harry is Dursley's nephew, not his son," she repeated.
"Oh," The Monarch nodded. "Doesn't matter, the kid stays here."
Super Villain
AN: Yep, a Venture Bros cross. With Harry hanging out with the Monarch and perhaps most specifically Henchmen 21 and 24.
Harry loves it in the Cocoon, and really, really hates it when some hero or other 'rescues' him and returns him home. The Monarch, living in mortal terror of Mrs. Dr. Monarch's maternal instincts, keeps kidnapping Harry back into the fold.
Then it is noticed that when Harry goes along on an op, it's successful, and not so much when he's not, so he gets his own miniature Henchman outfit and number (Henchman 2, because #1 dies a lot)
When Harry's magic starts showing up, 21 is convinced that Harry is manifesting access to the Bleed from my poorly disguised Star Wars rip off and that Harry is a Space Wizard.
Once he arrives at Hogwarts, Harry's goal in life is to be a proper villain and join the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Once Voldemort starts being annoying, he gets a visit from The Sovereign. Now, I know that the Sovereign wasn't really David Bowie in-universe, but I'm going to ignore that because I want Bellatrix to be a major Bowie fangirl who gets the screaming thigh sweats over him when Bowie shows up to tell Tom to lay off trying to kill kids because it looks bad for the Guild. Bella dumps Tom (It's not you, it's me) and runs after the Sovereign pledging her undying loyalty.
This causes Tom to be a whining bitch for a while, denying he was messed up over Bella leaving. This ends when he goes out with a few of the DE on a Pub Crawl and ends up bringing a woman back to the lair, only to wake up horribly hungover with a naked Deloris Umbridge in his bed.
She won't leave, and because of a drunken pledge he made during their tryst, he can't kill her.
Anyway, it will be fun if I can get the words to flow.