Hello my dears. I would to thank Guest, SherlockHolmes4884, OechsnerC, Littlest1, Elle Light, AndreKl, mersan123 (Guest) and lauparrillaxrobbie for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.
So sorry for the long wait for this chapter. I had a brain freeze. But I'm back now, and I hope you like this.
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.
Morgana ran until she could run no more. Then she collapsed onto the forest floor, her breath coming in gasps as she tried to pull in the air she needed to survive. And as much as it hurt to do so, it was better than the pain she felt in her heart. The pain caused by what she had just discovered. How could he not tell her? How could he fight against her? She was trying to make it so people like them could live without fear. And yet, he sided with Arthur. He always sided with Arthur. She didn't understand. None of it made any sense to her, and right then she didn't want to. No right then all she wanted to do was inflict the same pain she was feeling on him. How could she have been so stupid as to start feeling affection for him? He tried to kill her. He was the enemy, and now she knew… he was worse than anyone else. He had betrayed her in so many, many ways… how could he?
Morgana was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn't hear the footfalls of Merlin approaching her. Didn't notice when he stepped out from the trees and into the small clearing she was resting in.
"Morgana-" Merlin started to say, not sure what other words he could use, but he would try. He had to try. He needed to make sure that everything he had done had not been in vain. Needed to know she would still support Arthur, even if she hated him for the rest of their days. He could live with that, as long as she didn't become his enemy once more. As long as he didn't have to kill her to protect his king.
"Stay back. Don't you come any closer." Morgana snarled her eyes snapping to him with such pain it almost caused him to take a step back. But he wouldn't. He couldn't. He was the one who had caused her suffering, and he wanted nothing more than to remove it.
"Please, my love-" he tried again only to once more be interrupted.
"No. You don't get to call me that. It is nothing more than a lie. You are nothing more than a lie." Morgana hissed, leaning forwards on her hands as she glared up at him with eyes clouded with the hatred he had thought had gone.
"No. that's not true. I love you Morgana." Merlin replied using the only thing he had to try and reason with her. Try to get back the lady he had been spending his time with, the woman he had been talking to before the bandits had attacked.
"Is that so?" Morgana asked with a smirk as she pulled her spine straight. She sat as regal as a queen, even if she was on the dirt of the forest floor rather than a throne, she still looked like a queen to Merlin. He stood there and watched as she whispered words of the old religion. Watched as her eyes flared gold, and the bracelet that had been tied to his wrist fell to the ground with a soft thud. They both followed it trajectory with their eyes. It was a rather anti-climactic ending to what had been such a major part of the relationship they had been building. But in Merlin's mind it changed nothing.
"Yes." He replied, turning his eyes back to the woman who had his heart as he continued. "Yes, I love you, I always have."
Morgana's regal position crumbled at those words. The words she had so wanted to hear before… Why now? Why did he have to tell her now? She couldn't love him, they couldn't be together. He had betrayed her, lied to her, and destroyed all that was good inside her. It was all down to him. Everything that she had done, everything that had happened, she could and was going to lay at his feet. No. He did not have the right to tell her he loved her, not now. Therefore taking a deep breath and pushing down her own feelings of affection for the man she raised her head, she spoke of another pain. The one which was closest to the surface in her mind right then. "And yet you lied to me. I came to you, You, Merlin. I was scared and alone and you could have helped me. But you didn't. You turned me away as if I was nothing. Why?" She spat, demanding he answer. She needed to know why.
"I was scared to. You were the king's ward. How could I tell you of my magic?" Merlin defended. They were on more solid ground in his mind now. Talking of the past. He had made his choices, and done what he had. Nothing could change it. He would give her his reasons for making the decisions he did.
"You didn't trust me." Morgana whispered in disbelief. She had come to him, told him of her own magic, placed her own life in his hands, and he hadn't returned that trust. Because he didn't feel it. He never had. It was blow she should have seen coming, but somehow had not. What had she ever done to lose his trust?
"No. I didn't." Merlin agreed. There was no point trying to say anything different. It was the truth. Too many people had been telling him to keep his secret. Too much uncertainty lay in future for him to be able to put his own life in her hands. It could have ruined everything. But even as he thought that a small voice at the back of his mind asked, but didn't not telling her do that just as easily?
"And you still don't." Morgana stated. It wasn't a question. The look he had on his face as the bracelet fell, told her he had known of the enchantment, though she had no idea how he had broken it. But that was beside the point. If he had known, he had been playing her. He could have told her the truth anytime, but he hadn't. Because he still did not trust her.
"I want to." Merlin replied simply. He did. He really did want to trust that she wouldn't go running back to her sister. Running back to plotting against Camelot. But he knew he could not. There was too much at risk to give into wishes.
"Well I don't trust you Merlin. And I never will. You made me fall in love with you-" Morgana shouted, though as soon as the words left her mouth she gasped and clamped her hand across her lips. She had not meant to say that. She did not want him to know her feelings for him. Because she didn't. Not anymore. How could she love someone that was a lie? No. She didn't care for him at all. She would not give him that power over her.
"It was the only chance I had to save you." Merlin replied in a begging tone, wanting to reach out to her so much that his hand came half way up from his side, desperately wanting to pull her towards him. To hold her to him and tell her everything was going to be okay, even if he knew that would be nothing more than another lie.
"You mean save Arthur." Morgana responded snidely. She would not be fooled by him. Not anymore. Everything he did was for her brother, she meant nothing to him. She knew that now. Just as he meant nothing to her.
"Not just him Morgana. Can't you see? He will change everything when he becomes king. With him we will be free once more." Merlin replied passionately, hoping that belief in his words would cause her to stay on the right path. Stay at Arthur's side. Hoping there was still a part of her that was willing to give her brother a chance to prove himself like they had agreed.
"He knows doesn't he? About you?" Morgana asked remembering the looks the two men had shared at the end of the battle. Remembering what it was that had caused her to realise the truth that she had been too blind to see.
"Yes." Merlin confirmed. There would be no more secrets between the two of them. He would tell her everything she wanted to know, he knew he needed to.
"Well I sure that's nice, having the protection of the crown prince of Camelot." Morgana responded, sarcasm dripping from her lips to hide the pain she felt that he had what should be hers. Surely as his sister Arthur should have given her his support, but no, of course he chose Merlin. They were just alike, they would always choose each other over anyone else.
"He would give the same to you, Morgana." Merlin answered, knowing that if she was tell Arthur of her magic he would support her. He thought of her as his sister, he would stand by her against anyone, including his father if necessary. Why could she not see that? Because the fact her only response to his words was to scoff told him she did not. "I will never let him hurt you." He promised, even if he knew Arthur never would. He needed her to know he would protect her, even if he had failed to do so in past.
"No you would rather do it yourself." Morgana replied bitterly. He had done a better job than Arthur ever could at causing her pain.
"If I have to. If you force me to choose, I will do what I need to do to protect those under my care." Merlin responded though he hated saying the words. Hated that there was chance he would have to make good on them. That he would have to kill the woman he loved, to protect his friends. Why was it always one of the other? Why could he not have both?
"And when was it exactly, I no longer was one under your care, Merlin?" Morgana snarled though in truth she wanted an answer. Wanted to know when it was he had turned from her. Turned from the friendship she thought they had. Stopped being the boy who she felt for.
"When you sided with Morgause to try and kill the king. When you stole that crystal from the vaults for Alvarr. When you plotted Uther's assination at the hands of Tauren. You want me to continue?" Merlin demanded, stating the things she had done long before he had poisoned her. He had reasons for choosing others over her. She had done the same.
"I did all of those things to protect those I loved." Morgana defended, her tone increasing in indignation at his accusations.
"No, you did them for revenge." Merlin stated, cutting across her words. She wanted Uther dead because of those he had killed, she stole the crystal for Mordred, and she never did anything for the protection of the innocent people of Camelot.
"And you've never done anything to avenge the death of people you care for? What about when your first little lady love died, did you not avenge her?" Morgana shouted refusing to let her feel bad for her past actions. She had always done what she believed had been right. Maybe if Merlin hadn't kept secrets from her she would have come to him with the problems. Maybe then they could have found a solution he found more acceptable. But they would never know now would they? Because he had lied to her. He had not trusted her enough to share his secrets with her.
"No." Merlin replied. One simple word. He had not sought retribution for Freya's death. He couldn't even if he wanted to. He could never hurt the one who had caused it.
"Oh please." Morgana rolled her eyes. She knew Merlin was not the saint he was making himself out to be. She knew what he did in the shadows now. Knew he had killed. They were not so different.
"I didn't, because she died at Arthur's hand. And I could never harm him. He is my reason for being, my purpose. My destiny. And no one will stand in the way of my protection of him. Of the world that we will create. You have to understand, he had the power to make everything right and he will, when he is king he will." Merlin replied in a calm voice. They would get nowhere if they both started shouting. One of them at least needed to keep their head, and he knew it was not going to be her. Morgana had always had always responded to her emotions.
"I know." Morgana responded in the same even tone Merlin used.
"You do?" He asked in confusion. What did she mean she knew? Did that mean she was still on their side?
"I've seen it. But that doesn't change the lies you told me Merlin. Doesn't change how you betrayed me when you were one of my closest friends. How you turned from me when I was willing to give you my heart." Morgana replied her voice losing all it venom as she realised just how tied she was. How tied of this fight, or going round and round the same argument. Tied of having him standing front of her trying to justify his actions. There was nothing he could say that would ever change her mind. She would never trust him with her heart again. But as for Arthur, she had made her vow, had decided to trust in the goddess. She would still give him his chance, not that she would tell Merlin that. No the only person she would say that to was her brother himself. She was done with his servant.
"I know." Merlin answered, his head hanging as he heard the weariness in her voice. The pain that she tried to conceal, the pain he had caused. He hated himself for doing that. For being the one that had hurt her. But he also couldn't help but hope that when she said she had seen it she meant she had had a vision. That that would cause her to remain on Arthur's side. The way she said it, the feel he had gotten from the words, it made him believe that his hope was more acceptance that she would.
"We should return." Morgana said after a moment of silence past between them. It was getting late, and she did not want to give Uther cause to question what had happened on their ride. She was not yet up to putting on her mask for him. She needed time alone to process, and decide what to do next.
"Of course, my lady." Merlin agreed, before holding out his hand to help her from the ground. But all she did was glare at him as she pulled herself up. She would not accept his help, in any way. They were done. With that in mind she purposely turned in the direction she hoped the horses and Camelot were, and walked off, not waiting to see if he followed her. Because she Did. Not. Care.
And Merlin following her every move knew that while they may have found a truce in the first battle, the war was nowhere close to being won. But he would not give up. Not this time. No this time he would be there for her, whether she wanted him to be or not. He hoped that in doing so he would able to change her mind. Hoped he could persuade her to love him once more. Because the idea of not having her in his life, of not having the future he had been envisioning for them both, it was something he could not contemplate.