Hello my dears. I would like to thank darkpegasuzz, GreyAurora, Jel4me, gaylelbf, DageRee, SherlockHolmes4884, mersan123, Guardian of the Inheritance, Howarand (Guest) and OechsnerC for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have followed and favoured since my last update.
So here is the next chapter, a bit of bromance for you all. I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.
Arthur and Merlin had had a fruitless afternoon hunting, though in truth neither of their hearts were truly in it. Merlin because he disliked the idea on principle, and Arthur because he was too busy thinking of the questions he hoped to get answered that evening as he and Merlin rested by the fire. Therefore they were both relieved when the sun lowered enough that they could feasibly declare it time to set up camp. They both went about the chores quickly, Merlin saying nothing when Arthur took over laying out there bedrolls and unpacking the horses. Mainly because when it was just the two of them he always helped. It was only when the knights were also in attendance that he made Merlin do it all. Because when it was just the two of them there was no need to try and define a status between them, they were just Arthur and Merlin, friends out together.
Once the wood had been collected and the fire started Arthur sat watching Merlin as he prepared a dinner for them from the food he'd brought with him.
"Merlin, do you have magic?" He asked into the silence, watching how the other man's hand stilled at his sentence. How his whole body seemed to freeze at the words he had uttered. It was the first time he had said aloud what he knew to be true. The first time he had found himself able to ask the question they had been dancing around since he had realised the truth. But he needed to ask it. He needed to hear Merlin say the words to him. Needed his friend to tell him that which he already knew.
Merlin took a deep breath before relaxing his muscles. His immediate response to that question coming from Arthur was to say no. To deny everything, even if he knew the other man knew the truth. In was as instinctive as breathing. But he also knew the time for lies was past. Arthur had asked and he could give him only what they both knew to be true.
"yes, I do." He responded slowly his eyes leaving the food he was preparing to meet Arthur's, no more hiding behind his mask.
"Show me." Arthur replied, though his words were in the tone of a request rather than a command. He was not a prince to his subject here, but a friend asking another friend to show him a part of himself he had kept hidden for so long.
At that Merlin looked away for a moment, trying to think what he could do that would show Arthur the good magic could do. Because it was one thing for him to accept his help in battle, even for him to acknowledge the help Merlin gave him, it was another to perform the forbidden in front of the prince of Camelot, even if he was a friend. Finally his eyes fell onto the fire. Picking up a stick that's end was burning brightly he whispered one word and the embers flew from it to coalesce into the Pendragon crest. He let it stay there hanging in the air for a moment before blowing it away and returning the wood to the fire.
"Amazing." Arthur breathed. He had never seen magic used for something so… peaceful. All he had ever seen was it used in battle, be it by the enemy or Merlin protecting them. To see it used for no reason other than to create something beautiful, he hadn't even considered the possibility.
"Magic has many uses, Arthur. Violence is only one." Merlin replied understanding the look in his friend's eyes with ease.
"Is that why you learnt? For the other uses?" Arthur asked, finally able to put forth the questions he had had in the back of his mind ever since he discovered Merlin welded magic.
"I didn't learn. I was born with it." Merlin stated simply. It was time for Arthur to know it all. Merlin was ready to tell his friend everything that he had done, everything that they had been through together. Because he knew Arthur was finally listening. He trusted his friend to hear what he was saying, because he was his friend. His true friend.
"Is that even possible?" Arthur asked in disbelief at the words. The idea that people were born with magic. That those his father hunted and persecuted didn't have a choice… that the people he himself had killed in the name of the law didn't choose to break it…
"Well I'm here, so I'm going to say yes. Dollophead." Merlin responded with a smile trying to lighten Arthur's mood. Trying to pull his mind away from the dark thoughts he knew were going through it. He didn't want Arthur wallowing in guilt and self-pity. That was not what was needed.
"Hey. Be nice or I'll have your head." Arthur replied in his superior tone, though there was a smile dancing around his lips at hearing one of Merlin's colourful names for his lips. It made him realise as nothing else would that while he now knew the truth, had heard the truth, nothing between the two of them had changed. Oh yes, they still had a lot to discuss, a lot of painful things to talk about, but at least he knew he and Merlin were still… him and Merlin.
"I'd like to see you try." Merlin responded with a smirk, thinking back to when they had first met and Arthur had challenged him. So much had changed since that time.
Arthur shook his head at those words deciding to wisely not question them right then. Instead he turned the conversation back to the serious subject they had been discussing before, though this time it was more curiosity on his part, rather than thinking of his own culpability.
"What do you mean, you were born with it?"
"I could move things with my mind before I could talk. Magic is as much part of me as breathing. I couldn't live without either one." Merlin replied with a shrug. He knew that there were those who believed he was magic, but he didn't agree with that. No, it was more magic was a part of him, like the blood in his veins. It was just another essential thing he needed to survive.
"Are all magic users like that?" Arthur asked thinking back to his previous thoughts, hoping against hope that Merlin would tell him no. That he would tell him he hadn't killed people who didn't have a choice.
"No. Most learn. Those born with it usually don't start showing until they are older. I'm the only one I know of who has always had access to my magic." Merlin answered.
At that Arthur nodded, his conscience soothed by the thought. Though of course that did raise another question in his mind, a question about the lady he had been trying so hard not to think about, but now knew he couldn't not.
Therefore taking a deep breath he asked, "and Morgana, did she learn it?"
"How do you know Morgana has magic, Arthur?" Merlin asked rather than answering the question. His eyes narrowing at his words. How had Arthur discovered Morgana's magic, and for how long had he known about it?
At that Arthur gulped as he realised he was going to have to confess to eavesdropping on Merlin and Morgana's conversation days before.
"Gwen and I followed you. We heard your conversation…" He replied trailing off at the end, not sure what he could say that would defend such an action.
But Merlin just nodded, accepting his explanation. It was better that he had learnt then than to think he had known before and not told Merlin.
"Morgana is a seer. Those dreams she has always had? They're visions of what is to come. She can see possible futures. But her magic did not start to show until about two years ago." He said, answering Arthur's previous question and telling what he knew.
Arthur for his part couldn't get his head around the idea that the lady he thought of as a sister was a seer. That she could see things that were going to happen. That her dreams, the times she had warned him of danger, held a truth he had never realised. He had always thought she was just worried about him. But to know that it was so much more than that, he didn't know what to do with that information. Though even as he thought it he did remember that Merlin always seemed to take her words to heart. That he always seemed to stick closer to him after she'd said something. It all made so much more sense now.
Turning his mind from Morgana's abilities he returned to thinking of what else he had learnt from the overheard conversation. Turned his mind to the painful words he had heard. He needed to know if they were true. Needed to know how and why. Needed to know what he could do to ever make it up to his friend. Therefore taking a deep breath he asked in a quiet voice, "Did I really kill your first love?"
Merlin gulped at that. Turning away from Arthur to stare into the fire as he got his emotions in check. He had grieved Freya, and he was past the pain of her death, but having Arthur address it so directly still caught him unawares. Still caused a lump to form in his throat at the idea of what could have been. But it was never meant to be, he knew that now. Therefore he turned to meet his friend's eyes as he replied.
"Yes. But you did it to save your people, I could never blame you for that."
"What do you mean?" Arthur asked with a frown. How would killing the woman Merlin loved save his people? Just who was the lady whom had caught his friend's heart?
"She was a druid girl who was cursed to kill every night of her life. You at least saved her from that pain." Merlin responded with a sad smile. He still remembered when Freya died in his arms, how she was glad to finally be rid of the curse that had made her hurt so many.
"That is even more of a reason to lay the blame on me, Merlin, not less." Arthur answered with a frown. Surely if she was cursed Merlin could have found a way to reverse it. They could have been happy together, but instead he had ended her life and taken that from him. How could Merlin be so forgiving of that?
"But I know if you'd known the truth, you would not have taken the actions that you did. How could I blame you when you acted with only some of the facts?" Merlin replied immediately, tilting his head as he asked the question, his eyes boring into Arthur as if he truly wanted him to think about the answer before continuing to blame himself for something he did so long ago.
"How can you be so forgiving?" Arthur asked in disbelief. How was Merlin real?
"Just my naturally selfless disposition, obviously." Merlin responded with a sunny smile, trying to lighten the mood and take Arthur's mind away from Freya. He didn't want to discuss her anymore, there really was nothing more to say.
"Yes, obviously." Arthur replied with a roll of eyes and a chuckle, though he got the message. That line of questioning was done. Time to move on. So instead he turned his mind back to the woman Merlin loved now. And as such he had to ask, "Is Morgana really in league with Morgause, is she really betraying us?"
"No. Not anymore." Merlin responded resolutely. She had told him she sided with Arthur and he trusted her. He had to believe that. Because he couldn't countenance the other option. Couldn't even being to let himself think of what would happen if she became his enemy again. Not now, not after everything.
"What changed?" Arthur asked wondering how Morgana went from betraying them to falling in love with Merlin and siding with them. How had his friend done it? Just what had been going on that he had missed? It seemed he had been blind to so much after all.
"She put the love spell on me to make it so I would stop getting in the way of their plans. Think it backfired somewhat." Merlin replied with a smirk at how he had managed to thwart Morgause's plan so spectacularly, even if Morgana was not currently talking to him, or quite possibly would never talk to him again. But if that was the way it had to be, he would live with that. It was better than the alternative of having to fight her. Anything was better than that.
"That's one way of looking at. She'll come round, Merlin. She loves you." Arthur reassured shoulder bumping his friend in a show of solidarity. He had seen the two of them together and there was no question in Arthur's mind that they were in love, no matter what else had been going on between them.
"It's not a question of her love for me Arthur, it's whether she can forgive me for betraying her, again." Merlin explained turning back to preparing the meal, hoping Arthur wouldn't ask what he meant by that, not that he thought for a second he wouldn't.
Which was good considering the next words out of Arthur were, "what do you mean?"
Merlin signed and sat back. Best to get it over with now he guessed. They were already knee deep in painful subjects, after all. What was one more?
"You remember when Morgause took Morgana? The sleeping spell everyone was under, the one we were succumbing to?" He asked but rather than look at Arthur as he spoke he was staring into the flames, picking up the stick he had used earlier to move the coals, unable to stay completely still.
"Yes, of course. What of it?" Arthur asked with a frown, wondering what that had to do with anything.
"Morgana wasn't awake because Gaius gave her an antidote, she was awake because she was the anchor the spell needed. The only way to break it was to end the life it was connected to." Merlin replied quietly, yet with steel in his voice.
Those words made Arthur sit up straight and narrow his eyes at the other man as he asked, "What did you do?"
"I poisoned her. When Morgause showed up I bargained the name of the poison for the life of everyone in Camelot. That is why she took Morgana. So she could save her life. From me." Merlin answered, putting down the stick but still not raising his eyes to see how Arthur would take his words. He didn't want to see the look of disgust on his friend face at the knowledge he had poisoned the woman Arthur loved as a sister. Who actually was his sister.
Arthur couldn't believe what he was hearing. Merlin had poisoned Morgana? Merlin? He couldn't imagine him ever doing anything like that. Yet he did. To save everyone, Merlin had killed. It was side of his friend he had never truly seen, nor considered even existed. It was a side he didn't want to think about. Because it wasn't Merlin's job to defend his kingdom in such a way. He wasn't a knight, he hadn't been trained to deal with taking another life. And yet, he had. And for the first time Arthur wondered just how many lives his friend had had to take in the course of protecting his people. And he wondered just what doing so had done to the goofy serving boy he had thought he knew, and was only now realising that he didn't truly know at all. Finally he spoke, saying the only words of comfort he could think to offer.
"You made the right choice."
"I know. Doesn't make it any easier to live with though." Merlin answered back finally looking at Arthur with a haunted look in his eyes. One Arthur had seen on his own face at times when he looked in the mirror.
"No, it doesn't." He agreed. It seemed they had both done things that they would never be able to forget in the defence of their people. In defence of their kingdom. And while Merlin knew his, he did not know his friends. He needed to know it all. Needed to know just what Merlin had done in the shadows without anyone being the wiser of his actions.
"Tell me what else you have done for Camelot, what else you have done for me." He said, hoping Merlin would tell him now. Now he was ready to listen to it all. He didn't want there to be anymore secrets between them. The time for them was past. It was time for them to truly know the other, the way brothers do. Because Merlin had been fighting at his side as much as any knight, if not more. He was a true brother-in-arms in Arthur's mind.
"I have saved your life so many times, Arthur, we'll be here all night." Merlin replied, trying to deflect the look Arthur had in his eyes. A look that seemed to border on admiration, and Merlin did not think he deserved that. Not after all the things he had done, the wrong choices he had made, and the mistakes.
"We've got the time. After all we're hunting for at least four days." Arthur responded smirking as Merlin groaned at the reminder of how long he was dragging him out in the woods. But even so he did start telling the secrets he had held for so long. He started at the beginning, started with his arrival at Camelot, started with the first time he had saved Arthur's life as he got back to preparing their dinner.
The stories Merlin had to share took much more than that first night to tell, but still on that trip, he told them all. The good and the bad.
Arthur was not happy when he heard Merlin was the one to release the dragon, but if Merlin could forgive him for killing the woman he loved, he could forgive him for the act when in a seemingly impossible situation. In fact the more Arthur heard the more he realised he owed the man sitting beside him. He owed him not just his life many times over, but his kingdom. And he knew that when he had the power to do so, he would make sure he repaid Merlin for all he had done for him. He would make sure he no longer needed to hide in the shadows saving them all. No he would bring his friend into the light, and he would allow him to be the man he truly was. Merlin would have nothing to fear when he was king, because he would make sure those like him were free. He would lift the ban on magic, it was the only way he could think to repay his friend for the loyalty and trust he had given in him over the years. Oh yes, when Arthur was king, Merlin would be free.