Chapter 4 – Live for These Moments

He was trying to work out how much he had screwed up his hard work. His weekly session rolled around but he wasn't taken to Harleen's office. Back to the interrogation room he went, flanked by his escorts. Two new guys who didn't talk to him at all. Didn't even look at him when he asked about Greg. How boring.

Not to mention he'd gotten his extra jacket. Irritably he was more restrained than ever. Strapped in his chair, arms bound around him. Shit. All that work for nothing. All work and no play made Joker an angry man. He growled under his breath but then the door opened and he became genuinely surprised.

Harleen looked back to him with submissive, terrified eyes. But it didn't look like the fear of someone expecting to be hurt, not even with the fading bruising that made a black and purple necklace around her throat. If he was right, it looked like the fear of someone who was apologetic and not expecting forgiveness. Someone who was afraid of doing the wrong thing again. Curious.

He watched her with interest as she took a seat opposite him. The guards didn't leave the room but he doubted she'd get away with that for some time after his latest outburst. Harley took a moment shuffling her notes, stalling. Like she wasn't allowed to be the one to speak first. A smile broke across his face.

"How are you feeling Harley?" He began ghosting her greeting from a week ago. She swallowed as if self-conscious of her necklace.

"I'm good. And you?" She responded. It was so droll but he feigned his interest. Tried his best to look apologetic.

"Delighted. I thought my play dates with my favourite person were cancelled after I got a little too…overzealous with her." He confessed with a pout. She almost reached out for his hand, stopping probably more because it was tied to him than a realisation that she shouldn't be that vulnerable. Especially not in front of company.

"And your memories of your past?" She pressed on doing the good doctor routine. He didn't manage to suppress the snarl on his face. Though he was meant to focus on his act, since apparently it wasn't over, his mind tried to drag something up from before the vat of acid. There were a few flashes but mostly just a black pit of nothing. "Are any of them clearer now?"

He let her question hang in the air. If she was going to bounce back from a physical hit she could bounce back from aggravating him with stupid questions. She nodded awkwardly and scribbled something down. Hopefully a note saying to damn well cancel any further shock therapy. As fun as a little pain could be he'd rather avoid more torture sessions.

Though he had no concept of time inside the castle he felt their talk went shorter than usual. Probably a precaution. But when she stood up to leave, cautiously watching him through her lashes looking for some sign of what he guessed she expected he smiled. Not his manic smile, not his teasing one, not his amused one. Something small and almost affectionate. Her lips parted, he could nearly hear the little idiot shouting in triumph inside her own skull. She had been right! He had gone to kiss her! What a fool. Ah well, that was what made her useful. Something about gift horses. A flickering memory of a woman. How big was that black hole now?

There was hope. Bittersweet though it was, she now knew she had some chance at redemption. She latched onto it with both hands and refused to let go. She wrote whatever she had to, making sure it seemed like she was making progress with him and he did his best to aid her. He'd become docile, obedient. When she doubted he'd smile at her in that way, that special smile just for her. The one that said alright, I'll keep up this act for you darling. And so she reached deeper into the dark pit he was in, extending her hand to help him. To prove she was there for him. Begging to be let in for real. She could fix him. Crawling further and further down. She didn't even notice how much he liked the dark.

He sat in his chair like a good little patient, wrapped up like a present. They'd had four weeks of private sessions again. They'd been in that droll interrogation chamber but at least the guards had been moved outside during the third or fourth session, he couldn't remember and it didn't matter. He'd wanted the privacy. She slipped up more and more these days. Showing her hand. Really, you never showed your hand, especially not to a known cheater. She was even going to help him pull the card out of his sleeve for the winning move though she didn't know it yet.

He played her like an expert musician, smiling when he had to, showing his disappointment to draw her further in. He'd call her Harley to soothe her and flit back to the impersonal Dr Quinzel when he wanted more from her than she was willing to give. The music was beautiful.

Today they'd been moved again. This wasn't her private office though her name was on the door. Somehow she'd convinced that idiot Jerry to give her a personal interrogation room. He wondered how strong her self-denial had to be to allow him to play the same games with her she played with her superior. She hadn't managed to get him to lose the straight jacket but at least he got to sit in a normal chair without straps. He guessed bondage wasn't her thing. Or maybe it was. Who knows?

There was the click clack of her heels, the singing of an iron door. That bright, innocent, naïve smile spread on her face as she sat across from him and checked that the guards remained outside. Good, he wanted privacy today. Today was the day. The day he found out just how devoted she had become. He had to start off with the bait.

"Doc-tor Quin-zel." Joker began playing with her name as always. There was some doubt on her face as she reached for something bulging in her medical pocket, a question of 'what have I done wrong, why not Harley?' faltering behind her smile. "I live for these moments with you." She laughed. It was a small one somewhere between cautious awareness that she was being flattered and the young schoolgirl who didn't care. The smile showing off those pearly whites told him which one was more triumphant as she went back to her pocket.

"What have you got?" Joker asked with a vague smile. It fell when one of her little toys emerged from her pocket.

"I got you a kitty." She confessed with that childlike smile. Waving its little paw at him, a hint of doubt in her eyes at his expression, quickly focusing on the cat as if to avoid his disappointment. He kept his face neutral while he leaned forward, inspecting the toy and then Harleen, extending her discomfort.

"So thoughtful." He complimented and her uneasiness dispersed. He hadn't even tried to sound sincere but she ate it up anyway. He sat back again. Her smile fell, the question of why was he moving away from her plain on her face. He struggled not to laugh. He hadn't even got to the good part yet and she was already insane.

Harleen managed to realise she needed to compose herself turning back to that wretched file. That would have to burn. Maybe he could do it in front of her.

"Mr J, you know how last week we talked about your stand up." She began clearly seguing into some sort of psychiatric introspection on how that influenced his 'character'. He didn't give her the time of day. He was ready for the final act.

"Have you ever been in love, Harley." Joker asked keeping his face neutral. She had been smiling, trying to look friendly but her face fell. She needed some tell, some sign to give away his intentions; was he about to confess? Did he want her to confess? Yes. The answer was yes, she loved him back. He leaned forward conspiratorially. "What am I saying, of course you have. A pretty thing like you." She laughed a little at the compliment, brushing her hair behind her ear and staring at her notes. She imagined leaning forward, confessing everything to him, kissing those beautiful red lips. Maybe she did lean forward. She needed her medication.

"I always thought that when you loved someone you'd do anything for them." Joker continued not waiting for her input. She let him lead the way, fixated on every word. A ghost of a story came back to her about a man doing something for love. She didn't know if it was real. She was fairly certain he didn't know if it was real. But he'd told her nonetheless, that meant something. That did.

"Is there something you would do for the person you love-I mean loved?" Harleen asked unable to help herself. What would he do for the cherished significant other? She needed to know. Every fibre of her being wanted to know. He sat back again, keen eyes assessing her.

"Oh, who knows? We'll never find out pretty Harley, I'm trapped in here. But the company ain't so bad." He teased causing her to laugh again. She looked down shyly and brushed her hair behind her ear; that stupid, annoying gesture. Neat and orderly. He hated it. Let the chaos grow! But he kept his mask passive. He couldn't risk slipping up again. Not over hair.

"There is something you can do for me, doctor." He whispered wiggling forward again like a hypnotising, venomous snake. He kept his eyes fixated on her. She needed to think she was his whole world. The subtle affirmation of love was just enough to tip her over the edge.

"Anything-I mean. Yeah." Jackpot. The slip up, the shake of her head, the use of 'anything'. She was his to control. He lost his playful swagger and looked at her straight making sure she understood he was dead serious and also not betraying his delighted triumph.

"I need a machine gun." She stared blankly back at him as he dropped the words like a bomb. When she tilted her head back as if to question she had heard right he bobbed his head down, pressing on the request.

"A machine gun?" She repeated with a nod. She didn't want to say no, she couldn't say no. He wasn't meant to give the game away but couldn't help breaking into a wide smile, a breathy laugh slipping out. But he played it into his act.

"You're just so…ugh. Adorable." He said with a squeak to his voice that implied he was overwhelmed by his infatuation. Really he was overwhelmed by his amusement. After all of Jerry's, the old boy, efforts to keep him away from any of his thugs he now had the best ally in the Asylum. Though it was also a teensy bit of disgust at how gullible she was.

"I wouldn't even know…" She began but one look of disappointment and she ate the rest of her words.

"No, of course not! A good little girl like you." He began trying not to show his true opinion on that in his smile. "But I have a friend who would help you. Now I'll admit. I'm not entirely sure how long my holiday has gone on for but knowing my good ol' pals out there, they would have been stealing my stuff and taking my turf the morning I broke my usual liberty routine." Joker didn't give her a chance to question her decision, for she really had made it though he still hadn't heard the word yes.

"So that means you're going to need to go to a bar. Beautiful place. We should have a drink there when I'm free." He nodded his head sincerely at this, thinking of all the roaches and the lack of patrons except his most loyal followers. A ramshackle building with all the charm Gotham had to offer. He made sure she repeated exactly where to go to get to it noticing that she began to nod her head with his. Oh, pretty little Harley. She'd fallen in the deep, dark pit and hadn't even noticed.

"When you get there some friendly men are going to approach you. Tell them you're looking for some treatment to some frost bite and they'll help you out with my request." Joker concluded. There was self doubt in Harleen's eyes but all he needed to do was flash a smile, lean forward again and let her imagination run wild. She was in. Soon, soon the act would be done.

The area was worse, if that was even possible, than the rest of Gotham. The kind of place people went missing and there was never a trace of them again. Her nerves were through the roof but she had to do this. She pretended she was on the streets with her father. They'd gone to similar places, especially when he was on the run. No one had stopped them. Little princess with the monster father.

There was the bar. She'd expected something grander but that was the point. If this was a safe house to fall back to when the shit hit the fan it had to be unassuming. She took a slow breath to brace herself and then Harleen was exiting the car and heading for the door with the fading paint. She was dressed in jeans, low heeled boots and a tee. No point in dolling herself up. There was only one man she wanted to do that for now and if he needed her charms, it wasn't for this. Some semblance of rational thought had decided she needed to be ready to fight.

There were five men when she entered but she noticed three more emerged as all eyes went to her. Various looks passed over them. Sneers, curiosity, amusement, some she didn't want to analyse. There was an older gentleman in black and white at the bar shotting something; he decided that he'd be the first to approach.

"You've wandered into the wrong place darling." He warned as if giving her a chance to flee. Her heart fluttered in fear but she couldn't let it win. She couldn't disappoint Mr J. Not again. Squaring her shoulders and trying to find her stubborn streak she looked him in the eye. Her confidence faltered. What was it she was meant to say? Freeze? Frost? Frost bite!

"I'm…I'm looking f-for frost bite." Shit, that wasn't it. Her heart beat hard against her chest and she heard a few chuckles but the man in front of her seemed to catch on to what she meant. He nodded his head to the left, a silent indication telling her to follow him. Against her better judgement she did.

The building was more an old saloon that had somehow survived modernisation. There were little hints that this was a place the Joker called occasional home. A set of chattering teeth, a red ball. Then she was taken out back. Guns and gold glittered around her like trophies. Sitting at a table with floor plans that she easily identified as Arkham Asylum was a middle aged man in a suit. He glanced up from his plotting to raise a curious eyebrow at the older gentleman that had brought her here.

"She came looking for some 'frost bite'. It's not his exact phrase but I think the little miss is a bit nervous." The thug explained. Surprise showed in the stranger's eyes and he looked back to Harleen. She swallowed not knowing where to start though she could gather from what they said that this was a contingency plan. How many options did the Joker leave himself?

"So you work at the Asylum." It wasn't a question, it was a statement. The man straightened, looking her over as if assessing how best to use her.

"I'm Mr J's therapist." She explained earning a few derisive laughs from the others. But the man in front of her just nodded his head. "He wants a machine gun. He said you'd be able to help me get one to him."

He didn't even question her why she wanted to help. He immediately picked her brain for all the information that his map didn't tell him, formulating a plan to fulfil the Joker's request. She learnt over the next hour or so as he explained the steps to her that his name was Jonny Frost. He was Joker's right hand man, the one he trusted to get things done for him. She also learnt they'd tried to discreetly get in to get their boss man out but had so far been unsuccessful. For the last month or so they'd been gathering munitions to just storm the place though they'd been cautious about it because without knowing where Joker was they'd have limited time before back up or worse, Batman came to deal with the Asylum on lockdown. But now they finally had their inside man or woman as it were.

Self-doubt needled at Harleen. But it was too late now. It was all in from the minute she'd stepped into that bar, maybe even before. She thought she'd feel guilt or regret. But she didn't. She just felt this endless craving to prove herself to Mr J.

She kept in touch with Frost over the following week until her next session with Joker came around. Harleen arrived at Arkham Asylum far earlier than usual; when the night shift workers were finishing up and dazed from their lack of sleep. With a quick check to make sure no one was watching she hopped out of her car with Frost in tow. He was dressed in the security uniform, a machine gun in his hand. They played it like she'd run into him patrolling the perimeter. Her chest constricted almost painfully when they entered the building expecting one of the guards to notice, to stop them. But they didn't.

Then running into no one else, she brought Frost to her office. He would hide in there until Joker was moved to the high security therapy room at ten thirty. Every now and then she thought someone could tell, someone had noticed her odd behaviour. But then things would turn to business as usual. She made sure to grab Frost with her folder when the anointed hour finally came around.

"Harleen, what's going on?" Leslie's voice piqued up when Harley stalked the halls with her armed escort. Frost glanced at her from the corner of his eye as they turned to face the brunette who was looking at him with a slight frown. Just walk away, please. Pretty, pretty, please.

"New precaution. Extra security for my session with Joker. He…he threatened me last week." Harley quickly excused pleading with her eyes for her sort of friend to believe her.

"…security with a machine gun?" The young woman asked incredulously. But it wasn't because of suspicion they came to learn. She was horrified at the extreme measures Arkham was taking for someone who had been so adamant that they were treating these poor, sick people. To avoid the type of brutality the police force was infamous for.

Harleen breathed a sigh of relief when they were able to move on. Frost was calm and silent beside her, focused. She tried to emulate that as they made their way towards high security. She thought she was ready.

But when they arrived and the two guards looked sceptically at the third armed member, reaching cautiously for radios she shrieked in alarm when Jonny shot them, flinching when blood splattered on her. Just red roses. Just red roses. She wiped away the petals.

Joker was already laughing when they came in. Was it his birthday? Oh, it had to be. There were fireworks, he'd heard them. He couldn't unwrap his presents though, his arms were tied. He laughed at his internal joke again as Frost came over and removed the extra jacket. It was so good to be free he leapt onto the table and almost did a jig.

"Oh Jonny boy! It's so good to see you! How are the kids?" He asked as he leapt back down. He hadn't even looked at Harleen yet but he could tell she was watching him in anticipation. He could hardly wait for the punchline.

"Unruly. A couple of them ran off." Frost replied. He was so damn good. It'd be a sad day the day he had to kill the man. He was the best at understanding what Joker meant.

"I'm sure you disciplined them properly in my place." He replied reaching into Frost's suit pocket and pulling out the zippo he knew was there. Then he turned to Harley. She stepped forward expectantly, a vague smile on her face and eager eyes.

"Dr Quinzel." He began. He didn't play with the name this time which added to the doubt, the hurt in her eyes, the endless questioning of what she had done. She didn't have a clue the little bitch. "That folder, please." It sounded like a request but anyone that knew him knew it was a demand. Slowly she brought it away from her chest, the treasured item that it was to her. She glanced at it cautiously but all he had to do was move to a sneer and then she fumbled trying to hand it over so quickly. It took longer to light than he would have liked but soon he relished in watching it burn, letting the flames lick at his fingers. He brought it up as it was nearly finished to watch Harley through the fire. Her dreams were burning with it; he could see the hurt in her eyes, restrained because she wanted to please him. It was disgusting.

There was a rumble from somewhere and he understood the rest of the gang had arrived. Soon there'd be the delightful sound of gunfire and screaming and he couldn't miss his own party. Not when they couldn't enjoy it for long. But there was one thing he had to do before they left.

As he dropped the last smouldering ruins he slowly stepped toward Harleen. Her head tilted up, her breath held. She was waiting for the kiss that affirmed she had done all this for the right man. That he loved her. He hovered unbearably close, just to tease her that little bit more. But right before their lips met he stepped to the side and grabbed the machine gun from Jonny's hands.

"Grab her. We've got a little task to complete on the way out." He growled to Frost heading out the door.

"What?" Harleen asked vaguely turning to watch him leave as whiplash scattered her brain. Then the other man had grabbed her painfully by the arm and began dragging her after the one she loved.

Her world fell to chaos with her mind. Explosions, gunfire. Co-workers screaming. She wasn't sure but she thought she saw Leslie's lifeless body, bruising around her neck from a patient that had been set free, revelling in the panic.

"Let go! Let go of me!" She shouted when she finally found enough composure to try and break out of Frost's grip. He wouldn't let go; she made it harder to drag her but then one of the other men came up and helped him as the masked soldiers fired on anyone and everyone. Someone had given Joker a bat and he'd lost his shirt, probably in offence at the straight-jacket. The security guard who had just stopped using his arm sling had his jaw broken as the madman cackled.

He led them to the medical wing. The patient that had been prepped for treatment ran to a corner and whimpered, a frightened doctor she didn't recognise in her own terror running to hide in the observation room. It was too late. Joker readied his bat, making some vague hand motion that signalled something to Frost.

Harleen felt herself being slammed down onto one of the chairs, laid flat like a bed and grunted in pain. Whatever he was planning she had to escape.

"Get off! Get off me!" She shrieked, kicking hard against Frost and the stranger not even hearing that long familiar sound. That meaty sound from the other room. Frost strapped her in.

"What do we have here?!" Joker declared more than asked in such a playful tone while his goons drew back away from his table. She saw him step into her line of sight but he was quickly obstructed by the light he pulled into her face. It wasn't as blindingly bright as usual. One of the explosions must have damaged something. Mr J leaned in next to it, mouth agape but it was the look in his eyes that scared her. There was something dead to that look. Something deep and dark. She'd barely scratched the surface hadn't she? Why hadn't he shown her more? Why was he keeping her out?

"I did everything you said." She bargained with her rational mind, her voice shaking in terror, breathy and soft. Begging for mercy. "I helped you." She reminded him. The smile, not the one she cherished, the one that put everyone on edge split his face in a snarling laugh.

"You helped me." He began almost sounding like he agreed with her. But waggling fingers with his next words betrayed this lie. "By erasing my mind, what. Few. Faded. Memories. I. Had." He began to pound the cushioning beside her head in frustration and emphasis of each word. Harleen closed her eyes to tears, to fear, her pleas for forgiveness. She knew she shouldn't have done it, she shouldn't. She was trying to help him. To fix him.

Joker ran a hand through his vibrant green hair like he was looking for patience. Leaning in close to her his next words were said like someone casually discussing world facts.

"No. You left me in a black hole of rage and confusion." He stared at her just a little bit longer than necessary before glancing towards his goons with a frown. Then flippantly he stepped back gesturing around the room for his performance. "Without the medicine you practice, Dr Quin-zel." Joker continued ripping at the single medical glove he'd pulled on at some point. But Harleen smiled. He'd played with her name again. Oh, he thought it was an act, he thought he'd played her. But he'd played himself. There was something there. She could see it. She'd prove herself to him as many times as she needed to until he let her in.

"What are you gonna do, you're gonna kill me Mr J?" She said it just as playfully shaking her head. Because she knew he wouldn't. He couldn't kill her.

"What?" He asked, glancing to his goons again, theatrics to pretend he hadn't heard. But she could see the disturbance in his gaze. There was an inane cackle. Maybe a flourish, some more theatrics. Then he held two familiar ends to a machine she recognised.

"Oh, I'm not gonna kill ya'." He promised but she watched him closely a look of admiration on her face. How crazy was this girl? "I'm just gonna hurt ya'. Really. Really. Bad." The perfect pauses to elevate his performance, the waving threat of the machine but she didn't care. He could see it in her eyes that watched only his face. Thoughts flushed through him, emotions. Annoyance, surprise, rage, disappointment, and something he might have even called respect. She'd impressed him.

"You think so? Well I can take it." She promised him. Joker sat back. Who was this little nutcase? What had he created? How much more could he push her? A part of him itched to find out. But no, he had to pay her back first. Then move onto bigger affairs. Deciding to reward her for coming out from behind that perfectly innocent little girl, letting a little of the monster out he reached for the leather strap. She wasn't getting muscle relaxants, no. She had a big debt to settle.

"I wouldn't want you to break those perfect, porcelain capped teeth when the juice hits your brain." He stroked her hair, kept up his performance hoping to scare her pressing his fingers to his own skull in a promise of pain. But still she smiled around the bit in her mouth.

Then electricity went through her mind. Up was down, left was right. The past ten minutes played themselves back to her but they jumped back and forth. There were more theatrics than she remembered, and bubblegum colours warped with the images. White noise backed by a laugh she adored. A memory of a kiss over a table. Her father helping her fly. Her father holding her mother's body, black and blue and red. He loved her. She loved Mr J. Daddy's little princess. Daddy's little princess. Daddy's little monster. She leaned in to kiss the man in the straight-jacket.

A final vision of the light. Now it was brighter. When did it get brighter? She couldn't see the room clearly anymore. It flared in pink. Joker stood behind it admiring his handy work, mouth agape. It curved into a smile. Her smile. The one he saved for her. Then the light went out.

Joker looked down at the now unconscious doctor in fascination. He chewed the idea; what was the best way to pay her back. Leave her here? Drag her around and torture her some more? End her miserable existence? He shrugged nonchalantly grabbing his bat on the way out. From the corner of his eye he saw Frost aim his gun at the pretty little doctor.

"Leave her. She has to live in her black pit." He warned shooting a dangerous look at his henchman. Frost stared back in surprise for only a split second. He'd learnt long ago you never questioned the Joker. You obediently followed every wanton order.

"I'll miss these moments, doc." Joker declared theatrically on his way out the door. But he frowned with the words. Something about them didn't feel as performed as he wanted it to. She deserved every ounce of resentment for what she'd done. This was a punishment, not mercy.

((A/N: Long delay is long.

I think I lost the flow a bit with this one but it was still fun to write. I really enjoy the change of Harley's...I guess 'inner voice' as she descends further and further. It only gets more fun from here. I like to think the Joker/Harley flashback scenes in Suicide Squad have fragments in their flickering that aren't actually real because they're a part of Harley's warped memories and I've tried to play into that here. I need to be careful writing out the scenes though; I think I bog it down too much trying to describe and tie in everything that's going on in the actual scenes to my fic. I'll try and work on that.

I'll try and update next time sooner though I am running out of prepared track. Anyway, thanks for reading and constructive criticism is cherished.))